Joke of the Day...

WAY TO GO, DAN - - - THANKS A BUNCH - - - NOW I'M TOTALLY DEPRESSED.

IT'S 8:47 AM - - AFTER READING YOUR POST I'M GOING TO GET A BEER AND GO BACK TO BED. THE HECK WITH IT - IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT.

Y'ALL HAVE A REALLY GREAT DAY,

BLACKJACK

[CobraDan]

Sorry BLACKJACK when you wake here is the joke of the day

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed
north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they
could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm
recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great
weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Caught you smiling - Keep it up!

[Dave Samson]

A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.

"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."

"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.

"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"

"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.

"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.

The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"

So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"

"Because,... she won't have sex during mealtimes!"

[CobraDan]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a
craps table. A very attractive blonde woman
arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on
a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel
much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down,
rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs
new clothes!"

Then she hollered..YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each
of the dealers. She then picked up all the
money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other
dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know I thought
YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb,
but all men are men!

[CobraDan]

In case you needed further proof that the human
race is doomed through stupidity, here's more:

On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while
sleeping (Gee, that's the only time I have to
work on my hair)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be winner! No
purchase necessary. Details inside. (Evidently,
the shoplifter special)

On a bar of Dial soapirections: Use like
regular soap.(And that would be how...?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving
suggestions: Defrost.(But it's *just* a
suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of
box): Do not turn upside down (Oops, too late!)

On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will
be hot after heating (As sure as night
follows the day)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron
clothes on body (But wouldn't this save even more
time?)

On a children's cold medicine: Do not operate
machinery after taking this medication (We could
do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds
with head-colds off those forklifts)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness
(One would hope)

On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or
outdoor use only (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for
the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts
(NEWS FLASH)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.(Step 3: Fly
Delta)

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this
garment does not enable you to fly (I don't blame
the company. I do blame parents for this one)

On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop
chain with your hands or genitals (Was there a
chance of this happening somewhere?...Good grief!)

[CobraDan]

Truly one of the All-Time best quotes .....
In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was classic Schwartzkopf. He said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."

[CobraDan]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."

The priest sighs."Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, 'tis I."

"And who might be the woman you were with?"

"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.? Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her.

"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?"

"Five more good leads!

[CobraDan]

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball
into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a
little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for that, you won't have
any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't
have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter of
fact you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF!... she was gone.
After Harry got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred.
"Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, " I'm over here, in the
pu$$ywillow."
Harry yells back..."DON'T SWING FRED!!!"
"For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

[CobraDan]

A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married." Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my butt.
Day and night,that's all he'll do is bang me in my butt.
When I got married, my butthole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

[Stan Brown]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, "Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer? "Oh, Bill, you didn't."Yes, I did."My God, Bill, what happened? "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."

[CobraDan]

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.
Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1) I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2) My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3) I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4) Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5) Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6) What were we talking about?
7) It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8) Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9) I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10) Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11) Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12) It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13) The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.
14) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15) When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide
to play chess?
16) It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere!
17) The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18) These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go
somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
19) If all is not lost, then where is it?
20) Did I post this to you already?

[Stan Brown]

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, 'This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Jewish men have the biggest diameter penises. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"Tonto Greenburg, nice to meet you."

[Dave Samson]

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor
asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest
cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you
think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder
and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a
woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when
you have your period?" the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about
seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess!"

[CobraDan]

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his Volvo to an Irish gas station.An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is. Top o' the morning, etc. As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So, what are those, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" enquires the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Volvo think of everything

[CobraDan]

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the
closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again"

[Dave Samson]

.

[CobraDan]

HUSBAND'S NOTE ON REFRIGERATOR TO HIS WIFE:

Someone from the Guyna College's office called.
They said Pabst Beer is normal.

[CobraDan]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name MaryLou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, MaryLou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied "Your horse called."

[CobraDan]

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Sandra told her sister Cindy.
Cindy suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But what if my husband finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Sandra. Go ahead and tell him about it!" said Cindy.
So Sandra went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said her husband. "I've tried that it didn't work."

[CobraDan]

For his birthday Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father
said, "Son, we'd love to give you a bicycle, but the mortgage on this house
is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a
suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard
you tell Mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she
was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself
with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation."