Not Ranked
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When
the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry,
sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the
manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and
marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few
moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no
success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy,
what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice, Sam replied,
"The balcony".
1. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading...
--(Henny Youngman)
2. I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--(Frank Sinatra )
3. An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools.
--(Ernest Hemingway)
4. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--(Stephen Wright )
5. When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- (Brian O'Rourke )
6. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--(Benjamin Franklin)
7. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be
out of workand their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It
is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
--(Jack Handy)
The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3!
You are under arrest and....
1. No, I don't care who you are.
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes... you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are________ (fill in).
8. No, I can't give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________(fill in).
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Thank you, have a nice day.
Your Arresting Officer __________(fill in)
Stockmarket Terms And Definitions
Stock split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets
equally between themselves.
Financial Planner: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he
runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears
down the toilet.
Call Option: Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient
times before e-mail.
Day Trader: Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.
P/E ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
Market keeps crashing.
Broker: Poorer than you were in 1999.
"Buy, Buy:" A flight attendant making market recommendations
as you step off the plane.
Standard and Poor: Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market: A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance;
the wife gets no jewelry.
Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.
Yahoo: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
for $240 per share.
Windows 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that
bought Yahoo for $240 per share.
Institutional Investor: Past year investor who's now locked up
in a nut house.
Profit: Religious guy who talks to God.
Alan Greenspan: God.
Bill Gates: Where God goes for a loan.
POTENTIAL TITLES FOR SADDAM HUSSEIN NOVELS:
"The Scuds of Wrath"
"A Tree Won't Grow in Bagdad"
"20,000 Leagues Under the Sand"
"A Tale of Two Smart Bombs"
"For Whom the Stealth Bomber Tolls"
And the final Saddam Hussein best selling title:
..."A Farewell to Arms...and Legs"
Points Worth Pondering
GUN 'REFRESHER' COURSE
A.. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a victim.
B.. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
C.. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
D.. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
E.. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
F.. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
G.. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
H.. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
I.. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
J.. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.
K.. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
L.. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
M.. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
N.. Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Politicians.
O.. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
P.. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
Q.. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
R.. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
S.. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.
T.. If Guns cause Crime, then Matches cause Arson.
U.. A government that's afraid of its citizens, tries to control them.
V.. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
W.. Enforce the "gun control laws" in place, don't make more.
X .. If you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
Y.. The American Revolution wouldn't have happened with Gun Control.
Z.. "...a government by the people, for the people..."
PLEASE PASS THIS 'REFRESHER' ON TO OTHER FREE CITIZENS BEFORE WE LOSE
ANY MORE FREEDOMS
|
10Likes
Threaded Mode
