Jokes

[bliss]

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend
the rest of your day...

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses.

How should he express himself?


Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

Scroll Down
















He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses'.

If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer
and call it a day.

[bliss]

Q: What is the difference between the government and the Mafia?
A: One of them is organized.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Q: How are politicians like sperm?
A: One out of a million turns out to be a human being.

[bliss]

Redneck Towing..

[bliss]

Will Rogers......

Never squat with your spurs on!!!!!!


Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER....

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

[bliss]

A blond came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.

She said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”

He said, “Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!”

“I’m PREGNANT!” she yelled.

He kissed her and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!”

Then, she said, “Oh, honey, there’s more!”

He asked, “What do you mean, ‘more?’”

She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!”

[bliss]

Seems like this would work, but I can't find it...

[MRGEORGE077]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband�s temper.



The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?



The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."



The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."



Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.



The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"



The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

[bliss]

I understand that the NFL is planning to hold the next Super Bowl at a Motel 6.

Because at Motel 6, they keep the lights on for you.

[bliss]

For those that grew up in the 50's and 60's....yes, a Cobra is also featured.....


Just put this on and it will start the show itself turn up your speakers

Someone did an awesome job putting this together
and with sound to boot. At the very end of the video
you'll hear the song ' Thunder Road ' sung by the star
of the movie for which it was the theme!
Not uncommon except this is the one and only song
ever recorded, for publication, sung by Robert Mitchum!
Cars we drove in the 50's and 60's

click on line below
'50's and '60's - the cars we drove

[bliss]

A blonde was asked, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
_____



Something for the gearhead kitchen...

[392cobra]

A man goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving to
him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

She replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my children.'

His mind goes back to the only time that he had ever been unfaithful to his
wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[bliss]

Dog for sale....

Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

Most of them knew Jethro only by his Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.





Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
_____

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
_____

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!'

[kevins2]

[bliss]

My dentist visit...

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over me to start on my teeth, I startled him.

"Excuse me, Miss, those are my balls that you are holding."

"I know" I answered sweetly. "Let us be very careful not to hurt each other.......OK?"
_____

Spot the difference - ... between the Ravens and 49ers fans....

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An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
_____

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said. "That was when mommy came to work for us?"
_____

Games For When We Are Older:

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9 Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

10. Musical recliners.

[bliss]

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing.

So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to> the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

(I just love this!)

"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

[392cobra]

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began
to fill with warmth.


"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

[bliss]

[bliss]

Upcoming New Apple Products

1. The iSuck, a robotic web-enabled robotic vacuuum cleaner with the ability to accept verbal commands. This thing will make a Dyson look like 19th Century technology and within a year Apple will be the #1 supplier of vacuum cleaners to the world.

2. The iScream, a web-enabled, voice activated home ice cream maker. Tell Siri what flavor you want and it appears within 30 seconds giveing you the best ice cream ever made. Apple's advertising slogan will be "iScream, you scream, we all scream for iScream".

3. The iFlush - Web enabled, voice activated toilet and communication device. You can drop a deuce and be part of a web conference at the same time. Naturally, each iFlush will have its own iPeeaddress.

4. The iFetch - A robotic dog with all the advantages of a bio-dog and none of the disadvantages. iFetch will, at a verbal command or on its own, fetch the paper, fetch your slippers, play fetch, go absolutely bonkers with joy when you come home, lick you face (but not its balls), chase away Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons. iFetch will not take a dump or a pee on the rug, shred your furniture or need a bath or grooming.

5. The iMaxiPad - The most versatile iPad of all. Not only is it a tablet computer, but it is also extremely absorbent and can be used in those situations requiring the utmost in absorbency.