Jokes

[SMOKNAC]

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I got out of prison."

[bliss]

Can any one say the difference between complete and finished?
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.'

However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this.
Some say there is no difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.'
If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished.'
And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished.'

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

[bliss]

What happens when you become old,,,,,

1. Going to bed early
2. Not leaving my house.
3. Not going to a party.

My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.

[bliss]

At a job interview....

[bliss]

My wife goes shopping to see things she can't afford and imagine what it would be like to have them. Same reason I go to the topless bar.
_____

Me: "The problem is that obesity runs in our family."
Doctor: "No, the problem is that no one runs in your family."
_____

I askeed myi doctoar whaat miy probleam waas...
Hee toald mee I haave Irritable Vowiel Syndroam.
_____

Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys.
They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the car park.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion!
His theory was right. The car park was empty.
I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband's mobile.

"Hello My Love," I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a long period of silence.
I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice.

He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, please come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

This is what they call, "a senior moment."

[bliss]

Not a joke, just something very cool and amazing.....

Night-time dive near Hawaii, 2 divers were found by a bottle-nose dolphin and it started to swim around them over and over again. When looking closer, one of them discovered the reason for this strange behavior - the dolphin had a fishing line hooked around it, hindering its ability to swim.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/2gvgkHSyKFE

[bliss]

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why horror flick killers target teenagers.
_____

My wife wears a French maid's outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
_____

Lots of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
_____

After the eighty-seven-year-old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?
And there was a hush you could hear a pin drop. Bob answered impatiently,
"If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times....What we have is Blue Cross!"
_____

My wife just left me after saying I think about football more than her. I was devastated. I've been with her for the past 25 seasons.
_____

[bliss]

Ladies, if he tells you he's 6 feet & 3 inches…make sure those aren't two separate measurements.
_____

A clown sighting at the office this morning… but it turns out Karen put her makeup on in the car again.
_____

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting… but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
_____

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense?
_____

Q: How do you milk sheep?

A: Release a new iPhone.
_____

Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work. "Why should I?" he would invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there."

When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit. "Why should I?" said Einstein. "No one knows me there!"
_____

On my deathbed, I want to leave this world surrounded by a beautiful, loving family. So I've told my real one to stay away.
_____

Life lesson: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
_____

I asked my daughter's new boyfriend where he got his education.

"Yale", he said.

I was pretty impressed and told him so.

His reply was, "Thanks, I yust got out in Yanuary."

[SMOKNAC]

Testicle Therapy?

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

[bliss]

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there's plenty of blame to go around.

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

If I was Snow White you'd never be able to kill me with an apple...you'd have to poison an eclair or something.

What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn't have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.

Tell me I'm beautiful
"You're beautiful"
Tell me I'm a genius
"You're a genius"
Tell m-
"Just give me the toilet paper, please”

I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.

I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I'm in Canada.

I always get a "Yes" from women, but it's usually followed by "That's him, officer.”

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

"Sure, you could bury it but hear me out."
Taxidermy is invented.

FLOTUS is an unfortunate acronym, like something left in the toilet bowl.

I'm tired and want to sleep, but I can't stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down.

Sorry I reported your newborn's pic on Facebook, but nudity is nudity.

So we're on for next Friday? Perfect. I'll call you Thursday to reschedule.

Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?

"Do not iron" Like that was ever going to happen.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you're looking for a business manager.

[doing an identification at the coroner's office]
It's not her; my wife has a head.

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said "Care to make this interesting?”
And I said "Sure. For years I've been secretly in love with you."

I learned two important lessons today. I can't remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

I just answered two Jeopardy questions in a row. This must be what Einstein must have felt like.

Turns out my date had a lot of pizzazz, not pizzas. I've never been more disappointed.

Didn't know which glass of beer was mine so I drank both. I'm a problem solver.

[bliss]

Once upon a time a Submariner asked a beautiful princess: "Will you marry me?"

The princess said, "No!!!"

And the Submariner lived happily ever after and visited exotic ports all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted horny "ladies" and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan Rum and never heard b****ing and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at sea and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

- The End
_____

Now that I'm 'Older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered.

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter -- I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE posted this OR NOT!!!

20. Funny, I don't remember being ... absent-minded.

[bliss]

[bliss]

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat,
my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had
TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt.
I even had full medical and dental coverage."


I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"


"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, I just got out of prison."
_____

Plan G - Nursing Home Plan

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for “Medicare Plan G”.

The plan gives anyone 65 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!

[bliss]

Size Matters !


A recent Cosmopolitan magazine survey of women says:... Size matters

Women's response to:

2 inches - I can't even hold it.

3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.

4 inches - I've had bigger than it.

5 inches - Good, but I wish a bit bigger !

6 inches - perfect.

7 inches - Love it.

8 inches - Wow ! But can’t have it all.

9 inches - Painful but manageable.

10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach.

This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches!

But I love the way you think!
_____

Reflections

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...

I don't need any anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child, I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree... that makes it a plant which means... chocolate is Salad!!!
_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

This happened to an Englishman visiting in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and quite a few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alco-test (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows, that under French Law, why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humor: "No sir, I do not! But while you're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side?"
_____

Very few things upset my wife...................So I feel pretty special being one of them.
_____

[bliss]

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.
_____

[bliss]

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
_____

[cycleguy55]

You know you have too much horsepower when:
1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
4. You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.
15. You arrive somewhere before you left.
16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 zone but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
22. You need parachute braking.
23. Your 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
24. There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6:00 AM.
25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)
26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with life-sized posters of your car.
27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)
29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)
30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 MPH.

[bliss]

If you think things improve with age, attend a class reunion sometime.
_____

Who picks up a seeing eye dog's poop?
_____

A man brandishing a gun walks into a crowded bar and yells out, "Who's been sleeping with my wife?"

A few moments later, a man in the back yells back, "You don't have enough bullets!"
_____

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
_____

I'm getting slower in my old age.

My wife asked me to help her move some furniture and it took me twenty minutes to think of an excuse.
_____

My wife left after she caught me wearing her favorite dress. I said, "Please don't go, I can change."
_____

As soon as women see me, they want to get in shape to impress me. That's why they start running.
_____