Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Disorder in the American Courts ..... These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm as these exchanges were actually taking place.
________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.

Q: What year?
A: Every year.
__________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
__________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
__________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
__________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do. Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.
_________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
__________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?
__________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?
A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?
__________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?
__________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
__________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
__________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
__________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
__________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Q: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


Aging with a smile:

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

[cobra de capell]

Good: You and your hubby agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds-and-bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK-47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: They've finally invented Viagra.
Bad: It requires a prescription and is expensive.
Ugly: Your wife's new boyfriend is a pharmacist.”

[cobra de capell]

A traveler's advisory issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Yankees:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's a DINER. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever-it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited Northern hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, shut up, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back into Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook Barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box - minus your ass.

[cobra de capell]

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead.

Well, now she's angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

"Shut up," she says. "You're next."

[Ron61]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and
said, "I would like to buy some cyanide"

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have
mercy! I can't give you cy anide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us
in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"


The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[cobra de capell]

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised their hand and asked "What "gender" is a computer"? The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[cobra de capell]

REVENGE GOES ONLY SO FAR

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they might get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

[cobra de capell]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

*Smart man + smart woman = romance
*Smart man + dumb woman = affair
*Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
*Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

*OFFICE ARITHMETIC

*Smart boss + smart employee = profit
*Smart boss + dumb employee = production
*Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
*Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

*SHOPPING MATH

*A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
*A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

*GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

*A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
*A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
*A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
*A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

*HAPPINESS

*To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him little.
*To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

*MEMORY

*Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

*APPEARANCE

*Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
*Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

*PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

*A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
*A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

*DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

*A woman has the last word in any argument.
*Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.”

[cobra de capell]

Q: Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?

A: Because they're pigs

Q: Why do they call it Mad Cow Disease?

A: Because PMS was already taken.

Q: What's the difference between Mad Cow Disease and PMS?

A: Nothing.
____

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and
**very** satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power. Tell me his name."

"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."”

[cobra de capell]

A golfer is looking for his ball in the woods when he comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him on the other side of the tree, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asks, "What the hell happened to you?"

So he tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just isn't gonna be your day."”

[Cobrabill]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do,"
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
Yep," was the calm reply.
And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[cobra de capell]

The Hillary Rodham Psalm

Hillary is my shepherd, I shall not want.

She makes me to bow down to big government.

She leads me beside the abortion clinic.

She restores gun control.

She leads me in the paths of socialism, for her name's sake.

Yea, though i walk through the valley of liberalism, I will fear no evil; for Hillary is with me.

Her benefits and handouts, they comfort me.

Hillary prepares a health care system before me, in the presence of my better judgement.

She fills my head with promises.

My welfare cup runneth over.

Surely, higher taxes and illegal immigration will follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Clintons' forever!
_____

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $758 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .

Senate Democrats still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent

Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[cobra de capell]

[EarlsflyinCobra]

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."

[cobra de capell]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.”

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.”

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either.



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A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he’s liable to break something, but the boy continues. ‘Johnny!’ Mom screams.’Knock it off.’ You’re going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she’s finished, she looks down and can’t believe what she’s seeing. She’s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!

She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he’ll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and hegets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere splashes on him, the walls, etc.

‘Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?’ she asks.

He says, ‘I’ve been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever actually seen a fart!’

[cobra de capell]

A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his
dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,

worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to

find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?”

The mother replies, “Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and

sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.”

“Your wasting your time,” said the boy.

“Why is that?” the mom asked puzzled.

“Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on

her knees and blows it right back up.”

[cobra de capell]

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington where she will become President, and then half the country will be out looking for work."

[cobra de capell]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “Liar! You’ve been playing golf!”

[cobra de capell]

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, and bull$xxx with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of The United States.

Act like one!

[cobra de capell]

Europe and Terrorism:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance".

The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".*

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
_____

These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do [censored]'s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.