Jokes

[bliss]

My wife said she is gonna leave me if i keep calling her fat. I said "what about our baby?" she asked "what baby?" I said "you mean you're not pregnant!"
_____

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children, dressed in their cute Easter outfits, to the front of the church and had them sit around him.

He said, "Today is Easter, and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor held the microphone in front of him and said, "Please, tell us what the resurrection is."

The little boy, proud of himself because he knew the answer, said in a clear, loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid five minutes before the pastor could speak again.
_____

A little girl asked her Mom, "How did the human race appear?"
The Mom answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children,
and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
The Dad answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered,"Well, Dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.."

[bliss]

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!
_____

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
_____

[bliss]

Dear Wife,

I am writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for
7 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell; your boss called to
tell me that you quit your job today and that was the
last straw.

Last week you came home and didn't even notice I had
a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and
even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in
2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching
all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want
anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either
you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more -
whatever the case, I'm gone.


Your EX-Husband

PS: Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia
together! Have a nice day.

************************************************** ****

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you and I have been married for 7 years,
although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice your haircut last week, but the first thing
that came to mind was, 'You look just like a girl!'

Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you
can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have
gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped
eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers - I turned away from you
because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I
pray it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed
$50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could
work it out. So when I hit the Lotto for $10 million,
I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica ,
but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens
for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you
won't get a dime from me. So take care


Signed,
Your Ex-Wife - Rich as hell and FREE!

PS: I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister
Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

On the night of July 27th, 2012, a huge prank was pulled in New York City and this is the video of what took place. Brett Cohen came up with a crazy idea to fool thousands of pedestrians walking the streets of Times Square into thinking he was a huge celebrity, and it worked! ...

Fake Celebrity Pranks New York City - YouTube

[bliss]

New style downspout...