Jokes

[bliss]

Looks like self-employment is my only option...

At a job interview long ago;

Hiring manager;
"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

Me;
"Honesty."

Hiring manager;
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Me;
"I couldn't care less what you think."

[bliss]

Yesterday my daughter-in- law again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 76 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

[bliss]

Not good...(actually, not funny, either)

[bliss]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket, if he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job during the way?" "What?! Get Out out of my cab, you scum." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
_____

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said. 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.' 'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
_____

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way back I stopped at the gas station to get some gas, and this drop dead gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?"

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"well, just what kind of ammo you got to trade?"
_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

Married sex is doggie style at my place. I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

My wife like to talk a lot during sex.. why just last week she called me from the hotel.

After 24 years of marriage we mostly had hallway sex. We would pass each other in the hallway and say #$%$".

My ex-wife always closed her eyes during sex - she couldn't stand to see me having a good time.

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.

Excitedly, the Irishman begins..."Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the
confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

[bliss]

Foot launched Aircraft

Recently, a Southern California man was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and had (by rough estimate) 1 million rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also has a secret escape tunnel.

The television reporter said: "Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets!" and the headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache".

By California standards someone owning even 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable".

If he lived elsewhere, such as Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Oklahoma, he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Colorado he'd be called under-inventoried and needs further education since he needs at least that much stored in two separate "Remote mountain" locations plus that amount at home.

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food

In Montana, he'd be called "the neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".

And...
In Texas, he'd be called "a Hunting Buddy."
____

Advice for men...

If your wife asks you which of her friends you'd like to invite for a threesome, do not give two names.