Jokes

[EarlsflyinCobra]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was
>>wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He
>>was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
>>
>>
>>
>>As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a
>>large, silverback gorilla.
>>
>>
>>
>>Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
>>
>>
>>
>>He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he
>>grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
>>
>>
>>
>>He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
>>
>>
>>
>>The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
>>
>>
>>
>>He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by
>>puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and
>>the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake
>>the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps
>>fall to show a little more skin.
>>
>>
>>
>>She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
>>
>>
>>
>>"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he
>>said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing
>>flips.
>>
>>
>>
>>Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the
>>cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
>>
>>
>>
>>"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
>>
>>

[392cobra]

BIBLE SALESMAN


A pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious
financial troubles.

While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles.

He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Eager to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 inhere! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could"

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Paul interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied , "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it
t-to y-y-you??"

[cobra de capell]

(2006-10-26) — President George Bush, at a White House news conference yesterday, assured Americans that “Republicans will pull out of Congress as soon as Democrats are ready to govern and protect our nation, and not one day sooner.”

“We’ll stand down as Democrats stand up,” the president said, “We’ve been doing all we can to train them, teach them the value of liberty, and show them the importance of fighting the enemy before he shows up in your neighborhood.”

However, Mr. Bush acknowledged disappointment with the pace of that training.

“By this time, we had hoped they would be self-governing and ready to defend the nation,” he said, “but we’re committed to the goal, and we won’t pull out of Congress until we know they can handle it.”

While rejecting calls for a timeline, such as a November 7 redeployment, Mr. Bush talked about establishing “benchmarks of progress” for Democrats.

“Republicans will pull out of Congress allowing the Democrats to govern,” he said, “when the following benchmarks are met: – when Democrats value life and liberty for our citizens more than they prize civil rights for our enemies, – when Democrats understand that the answer to people who blow up and behead civilians can’t be found in the court room, – when Democrats stop their abuse of women, millions of whom are mercilessly tortured and killed every year before they emerge from the womb, – when Democrats see the harm to society in same-sex marriage and the benefit in same-sex education, – when Democrats realize what the “il” in illegal alien stands for, – when Democrats figure out that a “government of the people” must include people who don’t wear black robes at work, and – when Democrats finally see a tax increase they don’t like, and a tax cut they do.”