Jokes

[BigGuy]

Subject: You guys will love this

An elderly, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one
Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his inventory and brought out a $5,000 ring
and
showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very
special."

After hearing the older gentlemen's statement, the jeweler went into
his
special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at
only
$40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.

The old man seeing her reaction said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
"I'll be
paying with a personal check. I know you need to make sure my check is
good,
so, I'll write it out now and you can call the bank on Monday morning to
verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man and said,
"There's no money in your count."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Don't mess with Old People!

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[VRM]

Motorcycle Patrolman

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in is crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery they had to do, and doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.....
"Get well quick.....From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

[VRM]

Paul McCartney Divorce

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.


News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney.

Mrs. Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"!

She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped."

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like it's easy to walk out on a relationship like this."

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumors abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "He would get home at night and find her legless."

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm ruined, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney."

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
I lay upon a grassy bank My hands were all a quiver I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.

These jokes are funny but let's spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

[VRM]

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."



This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."