Jokes

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Q: How can you tell when a woman has had an orgasm during sex?

A: Who cares?
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The 11th Husband.....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.



"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it. --- God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!

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What's a man to do?

Sooner or later every man comes to a crossroad in his life, and he faces a difficult choice.

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia , from Ohio . The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000. per year!

When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio !

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!'
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AMA Health Care Plan

Apparently the American Medical Association has weighed in on the new health care plan...


The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the @holes in Washington.

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Old, but.....

The balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
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"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"
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A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be named Ole, now
living in Duluth, MN) were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never
lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're
finished. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times,
looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,
grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of
disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his
hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach
raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the
pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out
of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got

me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of
testicles right in front of my face. I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last
ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard
as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own
nuts!"
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How is marriage like a tornado?


It starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing... then you lose your house.
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A husband ask his wife how come she never tells him when she has an orgasam to which she replied "your always at work."
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What's the difference between a slut and a *****?

A slut screws everybody, a ***** screws everybody but you.

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A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,

"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied,

"Yes, you'll be fine.

It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
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Probably been posted before but here it is again....

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America; Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore::

TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED"

She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PICTORIALLY
SUPERIOR."

She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER"


TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a "BEER GUT"... He has developed a "LIQUID-GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."

He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
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The doctor that had been seeing an 75-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through
these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old-granddaughter drinks. And, believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

You "GOTTA" love Grandmas!
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GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open
to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, a woman becomes Tibet ... Wildly beautiful, with a
mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.




THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.


THE END.
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A far more accurate account in the Bears' house of the events on that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

"It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cats' litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

"I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO MAKE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!!!".
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