Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Did you know:

That the words race car spelled backward says race car.

That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense ate.

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"F$%k off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking c$%ksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat f$%king, smelly rag head bastards with you."

How weird is that?
_____

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said, 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yep,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you got, did
Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes, he sure did,' chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'
_____

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the
summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing
a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said.
'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything
she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation
said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way
around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to Believe
all those dumb blonde jokes'.

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave
it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed
it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch,
it's a Lexus.'

[cobra de capell]

how to get to heaven from Ireland

I was testing the children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumbo sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile, with a sense of pride in their understanding.

' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'



With the biggest smile on his face, six year-old Shamus O'Brien shouted out " YOU'VE GOTTA BE F'en' DEAD..........!"


Bless his little heart!
_____

A man explained inflation to his wife: "When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much."
_____

A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low
on coal. The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a town,
let's stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the
name of the town on the depot sign?" The fireman replied, "It appears
to be Danzig in the dark." And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"
_____

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.
* * *
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
* * *
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
* * *
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
* * *
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
* * *
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
* * *
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
* * *
His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

[cobra de capell]

Tips for traveling in the South



--If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth eating.

-- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help, just stay out of their way -- this is what they live for.

-- Don't be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

-- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

-- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

-- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" -- stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

-- If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.



-- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of one's trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

-- As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

-- You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

______

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening. She was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh yeah? Prove it."He frowned for a moment and said, "OK," then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.About half an hour later he returned all tired and sweaty. "Well, the cow and the sheep definitely didn't have one. But the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell!"
_____

It is near the end of the school year? The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says,?" John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right? Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these *****es would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON? CAN I GO NOW?"

[cobra de capell]

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing.. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it.

Let your next action reveal your true self .
_____

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate,
graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for
Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference,
coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his
papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent
over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently
farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the
room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but
somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He
ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to
be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit
her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under
cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr.
Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and
received my education here, but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing
happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience,
one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me
isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident
too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
_____

Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

[twobjshelbys]

DEAR DIARY - DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.
DEAR DIARY - DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the
Captain today - seems a very nice man..
DEAR DIARY - DAY THREE
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off
the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt
honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY - DAY FOUR
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a
luxurious meal complete with caviar and
champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I
could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY - DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for
rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the
night.Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with
me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY - DAY SIX
Saved 1600 lives today - twice.

[cobra de capell]

The nursing student, on her first rotation in the ICU, had to give a patient a full bed bath. She had never given one before and was terribly nervous about it. To make matters worse, the patient was a gentleman in his late sixties who had been admitted after a heart attack. As se nervously set her equipment up, she confessed to the patient that she had never given a full bed bath before.

"I'll tell you what," he said, "how about if you wash as far down as possible, and as far up as possible, and then I'll wash possible?"
______

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62 percent of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex."

- Humorist Erma Bombeck -
_____

What is Old?

'OLD' IS WHEN.....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,'
and you answer, 'Pick one, I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN....
A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.


'OLD' IS WHEN....
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You are cautioned to slow down by... The doctor instead of by the police.


'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting a little action' means I don't need to take any fibre today.


'OLD' IS WHEN.....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.



'OLD' IS WHEN.....
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to pee
_____

[cobra de capell]

Did you know that if you take a hike around Mt Rushmore,
it looks totally different from the other side?




Relatives of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!