Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Tips for traveling in the South



--If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth eating.

-- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help, just stay out of their way -- this is what they live for.

-- Don't be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

-- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

-- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

-- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" -- stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

-- If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.



-- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of one's trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

-- As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

-- You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

______

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening. She was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh yeah? Prove it."He frowned for a moment and said, "OK," then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.About half an hour later he returned all tired and sweaty. "Well, the cow and the sheep definitely didn't have one. But the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell!"
_____

It is near the end of the school year? The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says,?" John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right? Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these *****es would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON? CAN I GO NOW?"

[cobra de capell]

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing.. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it.

Let your next action reveal your true self .
_____

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate,
graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for
Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference,
coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his
papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent
over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently
farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the
room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but
somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He
ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to
be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit
her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under
cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr.
Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and
received my education here, but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing
happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience,
one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me
isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident
too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
_____

Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

[twobjshelbys]

DEAR DIARY - DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.
DEAR DIARY - DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the
Captain today - seems a very nice man..
DEAR DIARY - DAY THREE
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off
the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt
honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY - DAY FOUR
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a
luxurious meal complete with caviar and
champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I
could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY - DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for
rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the
night.Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with
me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY - DAY SIX
Saved 1600 lives today - twice.

[cobra de capell]

The nursing student, on her first rotation in the ICU, had to give a patient a full bed bath. She had never given one before and was terribly nervous about it. To make matters worse, the patient was a gentleman in his late sixties who had been admitted after a heart attack. As se nervously set her equipment up, she confessed to the patient that she had never given a full bed bath before.

"I'll tell you what," he said, "how about if you wash as far down as possible, and as far up as possible, and then I'll wash possible?"
______

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62 percent of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex."

- Humorist Erma Bombeck -
_____

What is Old?

'OLD' IS WHEN.....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,'
and you answer, 'Pick one, I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN....
A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.


'OLD' IS WHEN....
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You are cautioned to slow down by... The doctor instead of by the police.


'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting a little action' means I don't need to take any fibre today.


'OLD' IS WHEN.....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.



'OLD' IS WHEN.....
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to pee
_____

[cobra de capell]

Did you know that if you take a hike around Mt Rushmore,
it looks totally different from the other side?




Relatives of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!

[cobra de capell]

You're an EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3.. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care...

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16 You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk...

______

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole..'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said.. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
_____

The Squirrel and the Grasshopper

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION (cept Brittain - theyre worse)

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE AMERICAN VERSION


The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

An Obamacare social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

CNBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The Washington press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Democrats, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Housing Commission of United States demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

CNBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Woodstock with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".

Jesse Jackson rants in an interview on the Larry King that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Washington city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a Department of Housing house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilizes it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to America as they had to share their country of origin with mice.

On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Americans' apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.

The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards..

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the Department of Housing house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.

Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".

The cats seek recompense in the Federal Court for their treatment since arrival in America .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.

Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A Senate of enquiry, that will eventually cost $100 million and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers.

Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching America ’s multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.

The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison...

They call for the resignation of a Senator.

The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in America.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 75 because of a shortfall in government funds.



THE END

[cobra de capell]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her

on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found

shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my

wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs.Hudson

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.We

cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the

store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. J.Hudson are listed below and are

documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:

He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19:

Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get

on it right away?. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and

receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union

grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4:

Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.

6. August 14:

Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:

Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite

them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to

which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23:

When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't

you people just leave me alone?' Police were called.

9. September 4:

Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked

his nose.

10. September 10:

While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk

where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:

Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission

Impossible' theme.

12.. October 6:

In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of

funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,

yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:

When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and

screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:

15. October 23:

Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,

'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.

One of the clerks fainted!
_____

A wealthy woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ......Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"

The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."
_____