Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Ever wonder why A,B,C,D,E and F are used to define Bra sizes?

Well now you do.
A Almost Boobs
B Barely There
C Can Do
D Damn Good
E ENORMOUS
F Fake





A man and his wife were talking and he says, You know, I was thinking
of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest.
Oh honey, she exclaims, I don't want you taking that out in public!
But sweet thing, he says, the prize is $100.
I don't care, she says I don't want you showing that thing to
everybody.

So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife
walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars.
Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told
you not to?

Please forgive me, sweetheart. He says.
You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see? she says, tears
welling up in her eyes.
The man looks at her fondly and says, Only enough to win.









Coop and Ms Jackson were talking one day when Coop says, "I went to see the
doctor the other day for that pain in my back."

"So what happened?" Ms Jackson asked.

"Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me
to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee.
Can you imagine that ... A grown man having to sit to pee?"

"Why would he want you to sit to piss?" asked Ms Jackson.

"Well", said Coop , "With my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up anything
too big."






*The Ideal Wife*
The Ideal Wife should be beautiful,
but not so beautiful that people think
you married her only for her beauty.

And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy,
but not so wealthy that people think
you married her only for her money.

And The Ideal Wife should be gentle,
but not so gentle that she can't
suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.









DO YOU??


A woman was shaking out a rug on
the balcony of her 17th floor condominium
when a sudden gust of wind blew her over
the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought
as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man
standing at his railing caught her in
his arms. While she looked at him in
disbelieving gratitude, he asked,
"Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her. As she passed the
12th floor, another man reached out
and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before
she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one
more chance. As luck would have it,
she was caught a third time, by a man
on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.














The Cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off
his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If
he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of
the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money
from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his
address, etc, but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't
have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to
hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial
success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself,
he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who
had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought
for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a
plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he
asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?!
Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the
same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly
past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.











The day I got married was really embarrassing. When the minister said, "If anyone present doesn't agree with
this marriage; speak now or forever hold your peace," I turned around and noticed her family had formed a
double line.

[CobraDan]

Little Mary was supposed to bring fifty cents to school for a workbook, so she went to ask her father for it. She found him in the bathroom, stark naked, and in the excitement she forgot all about the fifty cents and asked, "Daddy, What's THAT ?"
Her dad said "That's what I call 'a shame'."
Next day at school, when the teacher asked for the fifty cents, Little Mary said, "Daddy couldn't give me fifty cents because he wasn't wearing his pants."
The teacher replied, "Doesn't your father have any shame at all?"
Little Mary said, "Oh, yes, ma'am, he has one, but it's not as big as the one the principal gave you last Thursday."

[bonyhadi]

True But Strange Sex Facts
Largest erect penis: 13"
Smallest erect: 1.75"







The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight the end of their penises
to enlongate them sometimes to such a degree that the men literally have to
knot them up.

In 1609 a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with 2 penises. Since
then, there have been 80 documented cases of men w/ the same.

During foreplay, a woman's breast can increase in up to 25%.

The maximum depth at which vaginal stimulation occurs is only 2".

In the 1950s, it was found out that 75% of men cum within 2 minutes of
penetration, with the orgasm lasting no longer than a few seconds. The
longest documented for a women is one minute.

Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18 year old couples make love an average of
3 times a night, every night, until they're in their 30s, when the weekly
average drops to a mere 14.

The maximum speed at which the erotic sensations travel from the skin to the
brain has been clocked 156 MPH.

Women are 30% more sexually active during a full moon, and the most common
love making time in the US is 11:00pm.

Intercourse peaks in July.

Except for the 1/2 dozon men who've shown up in emergency rooms over the
years because they got too intimate with a vacuum cleaner, women are the more
creative auto-eroticists, and they masturbate most frequently when in a
stable relationship.

Women are also better self-starters. 60% claiming to have discovered orgasm
on their own, as opposed to only 25% of men.

Castrated men live an average of 13 years longer than those not castrated.
And nuns live longest of all.







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Is Sex Like Riding A Bicycle?
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar
territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a
lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are
really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best
to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin'Bikes.









SURVEY
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss Sportscenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out
about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last
month. You tell her that is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends,"
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep,"
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, Y-O-U."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope
with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
As always, the answers are at the bottom!

If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.
If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're
still a little confused.
If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "YOU-DA-MAN!"










Some Less Commonly Known Phobias

Acrorectophobia: The fear of assholes in high places.
Amathophobia: The fear of dust.
Anananany: The inability to stop spelling 'banana' once you've started.

Anatidaephobia: The fear that wherever you are, a duck is watching!
Androphobia: The fear of men.
Angoraphobia: The fear of soft sweaters and rabbits.
Anthropophobia: The fear of human beings.
Archibutyrophobia: The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of
your mouth.
Eonaphobics: The fear of transvestites.
Friendorphobia: The fear of being asked "Who goes there?"
Friggaphobics: People who fear Fridays.
Genuphobia: The fear of knees.
Graphophobia: The fear of writing.
Heortophobia: The fear of holidays.
Iophobia: The fear of rust.
Katagelophobia: The fear of ridicule.
Lyssophobia: The fear of insanity.
Peniaphobia: The fear of poverty.
Phobaphobia: The fear of fear itself.
Phobia: What you have left over after you drink two out of a 6-pack.
Phronemophobia: The fear of thinking.
Pognophobia: The fear of beards.
Quadriphobia: The fear of 4-way stops and not knowing who goes next.










The invention of the Internet has provided man with a new,
powerful tool for world change and affectation,
but if there is one thing I've learned, it's that mankind's greatest
dream is not to solve world hunger or cure the common cold;
it is to search the Net for naked chicks!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

Jewish men are the most confident in the world. - They cut the ends off their
dicks before they know how long they will grow!








GOOD, BAD, NAUGHTY

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants
*
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack
*
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains
*
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a ****
*
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a "pearl necklace "
*
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos
*
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection
*
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels
*
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place
*
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra
*
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.
*
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then
go home with two of them.











DEGREES OF BLONDE

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The
wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman
wanting to know if the coast is clear."


SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and
says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her
the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's
me!"


THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door
she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend
yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're
next!"


FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's
the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."


FIFTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade
was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delawa














Obtainable Affirmations


1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt,
I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my
imagination into ever-soaring levels
of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my
actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive,
or compromise myself, unless I want to
stay employed.

5. In some cultures what I do would
be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost
as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my
lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for
without them I would have no
personality at all.

9. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental
as all those censorious, self-righteous people
around me.

10. I am willing to make the mistakes if
someone else is willing to learn from them.

Now there, don't we all feel better?
You may continue your day.

















What I've Learned From Watching Porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream
with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy ****s.

11. People in the 70s couldn't **** unless there was a wild guitar solo in
the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't
disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the
boyfriend won't bash seven shades of **** out of you if you shove your cock
in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by
giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll
only be momentarily pissed off before ****ing the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind
her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers
and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly
on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.









Lovemaking Tips For Older Persons

1. Put bi-focals on ... double check that you're with the right partner.

2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes... in case you doze off in the
middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting ... turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to
scream out at the end.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have heating pads, tylenol, splints and crutches ready in case you
actually complete the act.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[CobraDan]

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.
NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

[bonyhadi]

Q:What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of an ugly man?
A: A tattoo.

Q:Why is it a man's pee is yellow & his sperm white?
A:So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A: You call them up and tell them you can't cum

Q.What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.



*


The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your
Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were
willing
to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and
repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80
percent.. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and
repeated
his question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except
one elderly lady in the rear. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to
forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the
congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three,
and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy,
I just outlived the *****es."
















45 THINGS SHE WISHES
YOU KNEW
Universal truths that all men
should--but don't--understand

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't
count.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
3. I will leave if you lie.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48
hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
11. I expect you to call me.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
15. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly
above.)
16. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
17. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
18. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
19. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and
impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when
we're just going to the movies.
20. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
21. You should never tell me what to do.
22. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
23. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
24. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
25. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
26. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
27. I want to be Madonna.
28. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
29. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt
and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
30. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
31. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
32. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to
recognize this.
33. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
34. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
35. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know
yourself.
36. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns
major bonus points.
37. I love it when you're sweaty.
38. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
39. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
40. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
41. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
42. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you
wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
43. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
44. I remember everything about our relationship.
45. You should know all this and more without my telling you.

[trctrdrvr]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?, Why did you have to die?
The first man approached him and said," Sir I don't wish to interfere with your private grief , but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before For whom do you mourn so
deeply ? A child ? A parent ? \
The mourner took a moment to collect himself , then replied ," My wifes first husband".

[bonyhadi]

PERSONAL ADS DECODER

MEN'S ADS
40-ish.............. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic............ Watches a lot of NASCAR
Good looking........ Arrogant
Very good looking... Dumb as a board
Honest.............. Pathological Liar
Likes to cuddle..... Insecure Mama's boy
Mature.............. Older than your father
Physically fit...... Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Very sensitive...... Gay
Thoughtful.......... Says "Excuse me" when he farts


WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish.............. 49
Adventurer.......... Slept with all your friends
Athletic............ No chest
Average looking..... Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful........... Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure.. Medicated
Fun................. Annoying
Gentle.............. Comatose
Outgoing............ Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.......... Sloppy drunk











Guy #1: "You'll never believe this. If you play an AOL 7.0
CD backwards you can hear all kinds of evil and satanic
messages!"

Guy #2: "That's nothing--if you play it forwards, it installs
AOL."



"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"
---Homer Simpson

[CobraDan]

The humor links that follow contain ADULT jokes. There is explicit language and some links to graphics that might be offensive. If you are bothered by that type of humor or graphics then please do not click on the link.
Dan & Daniel

[bonyhadi]

A PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED.....

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my
obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.















An Australian woman was having a shower and slipped over on the
bathroom
floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped
over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Jacko.
"Jacko! Jacko!" she yelled.
Jacko came running in.
"Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth!" Jacko said and tried to pull her up.
"You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey"
(his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan C"
"Plan C?" exclaimed Jacko. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles
under her"
"Spot on" Jacko said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and
play
with her tits"
"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Why the hell would you want to do
that"?
Jacko replied "Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can
slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"
















Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm. For years both
had an extreme fear of thunder storms and lightning.

One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbor, and while walking
home was caught in a severe thunder storm. Lightning was streaking
across the sky and thunder was booming all around. Being totally
terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay
like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder.

With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind
blew her dress up exposing the long unused part of her anatomy.

Along comes the local stud, and seeing the poor souls predicament, he
did the only thing a well endowed stud would do in such a situation.
After fully satisfying himself he zipped his pants and went on his merry
way.

Soon the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed home,
calling to her sister, "Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something! If you
ever get struck by lightning, you'll never be afraid again!!!!!!"
















A plumber, an electrician, a dentist and a programmer.

A plumber, an electrician, a dentist and a programmer are fast friends: buddies for life,
eternal bachelors.. until the programmer announces he is getting married.

Never ones to pass up a golden opportunity, the three compadres find out the name and
location of the hotel where the programmer will be honeymooning, and bribe the desk
clerk to let them in to rig a few 'welcome' surprises.

A week after returning from the honeymoon, the programmer meets his buddies in a bar
for drinks, and half-heartedly chuckles with them over the gags.

Pointing to the plumber, he comments "Yeah, the drippy faucet you couldn't turn off was a
neat trick."

And to the electrician: "And a flickering table lamp with no off switch was cute, too."

Then, shaking a fist at the dentist "But, you! YOU! Novocain in the Vaseline was one
cheap shot!"















Insult of the day:

The proctologist called, they found your head.

[bonyhadi]

A woman offered a brand-new car
for sale for a price of ten dollars.
A man answered the ad, but he was
slightly skeptical.

"What's the gimmick?" he inquired.

"No gimmick," the woman answered.
"My husband died, and in his will he
asked that the car be sold and the
money go to his secretary."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's some more new drugs that may soon be on the market..


St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low
I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music and WWF wrestling

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and
reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better
person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can
cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total
strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than
Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache,"
syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the
time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to
identify who to cross off the dating pool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love, Lust Or Marriage?

LOVE: When you write poems about your partner.
LUST: When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks.

LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE: When you lose your child in a crowded room.

LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE: When your wallet empties every time you see
them.

LOVE: When you have concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST: When you have concern for your partner's test
results.
MARRIAGE: When you have concern for what's on TV.

LOVE: When nobody else matters.
LUST: When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE: When everybody else matters and you don't
care who knows.

LOVE: When you share everything you own.
LUST: When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything.

LOVE: When your farewell is "I love you, darling."
LUST: When your farewell is "Same time next week?"
MARRIAGE: When your farewell is "Pick up some toilet
paper."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

How To Become A Better Liar

It's Easy! Just follow these 12 steps.

1) First of all, minimize your lies. If you lie all the
time, people will never believe you.

2) Try to cry while you're lying. Everyone believes
someone who's crying.

3) Always swear to god (not God with a capital "G"... you'll be
punished severely!) Little "g" god can mean Zeus or Poseidon.

4) Emphasize each word (e.g. I...SWEAR...!!!!)

5) Break something (a dish or a vase). If you detect
that the listener is even remotely doubting you.

6) Always say: "Ask so-and-so. They'll back me up on
this." Be sure to name your best friend, though. Best
friends always side with you whether you're lying or
not.

7) Plan out your lie ahead of time. Never ad lib,
you'll stutter.

8) Never stutter!

9) Never stay in the same city for more than a few
months. People catch on to your line of crap in 2 to
3 months on the average.

10) Don't take chances on lies that can be easily
researched. For instance, don't say you own Don
Quixote's original sword. Your listener might find out
that Don Quixote was a fictional character.

11) Stick to your lie NO MATTER WHAT!!!

12) Try going to law school. You can make good money,
too!

[CobraDan]

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife."

[bonyhadi]

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?

A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?

A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?

A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How can you tell the porno star at the gas station?

A. Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays the gas all over the car.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?

A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

A. They're right! We do taste like chicken!

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A. What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME!

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?

A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?

A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A: The swallow.

Q. What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?

A: Cos no man would pull those faces on purpose.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for

A. Its Braille for" suck here".

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds ?

A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women have tits ?

A. So men will talk to them.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A. They don't have balls to scratch.

[bonyhadi]

You know you're living in 2002 when....


1. You have 5 passwords, but can only remember one.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a"0"to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

10. Your Curriculum Vitae is on a floppy disk in your pocket.

11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.

13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

14. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience,terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch
while yours boots up.

19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four
full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.

21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE..

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.

24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward
it anyway.

25. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore,except to send you jokes from the net.

[bonyhadi]

Did you hear about the new combination of Viagra and Doan's pills?
It's so the back won't peter out and the peter won't back out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do not have PMS, but do suffer from the male counterpart which is SRH.....
you know... SPERM RETENTION HEADACHE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How did the gynecologist know his patient was horny?
He read her lips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Definition: "Forehead"
In favor of oral sex.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the
cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an
affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed
to be a witness.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put his gun to
the man's head, and the wife shouted

"Don't do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for
the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for
our new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country
club dues you believe I budget for? He does!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked "What would you
do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a
cold."





A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop
and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks,
"if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I
have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The
lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me
today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The
butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for
a consultation










A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the
Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman.

"I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him
in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for
the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

"This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at
crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for
assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse
me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in
'u-n-t'?"

Only one word leapt to mind... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I
can't tell the Pope that. There must be another." The gentleman thought
for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman
said, "I think you're looking for the word 'Aunt'."

"Oh of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

















Reasons why a handgun is better than a woman:

You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

You can trade a .44 for two .22's.

You can have a handgun at home and another for
the road.

If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him
so, he will be impressed and let you try a few
rounds with it.

Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have
a backup.

Your handgun will stay with you even if you are
out of ammo.

A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

Handguns function normally every day of the month.

A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look
fat?"

A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after
you're done using it.

You can have more than one handgun living in the
same house without having problems.

A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger
is.

A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are
a "little fast on the trigger"...














The latest strategy to drive the Taliban out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Redneck Special Forces.

Billy Bob, Bubba Dean, and Cooter are being sent in and told five things:

1. The limit is two.

2. The season ended last weekend.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, or country music.

5. Some are queer.

That should just about do it.

[bonyhadi]

GRANNY’S CONDOM

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off
the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The
guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is,
after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she

prefers.

Lady 1: "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.













Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me,
complaining of severe abdominal pains.

We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the
source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we new what was
wrong.

When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our
suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral
home now?"

With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not
that sick!"














I hope you have had your morning coffee.

1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't
even get into my own pants

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was
my blood alcohol content.

3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in
bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with
"Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get
the same effect just standing up fast.

6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get
one flea..."

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they
know me here.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes
misery easier to live with.

9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really
wanted a screamer or a moaner.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the
airport the terminal?

11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've
seen too many of them get elected.

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet
it has absolutely no trade-in value.

13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours
and ****head's.

14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if
it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it
deals you a truckload of
hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!

15. I love being married. It's so great to find
that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of
your life.

16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents
at the bowling alley.

17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect;
therefore I am perfect.

18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the
ones she's been giving me lately.

19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for
number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

20. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so
quickly by just one busted condom.

21. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come
I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

22. Welcome to **** Creek-Sorry, We're Out of
Paddles!

23. How come we choose from just two people to
run for president and 50 for Miss America?

24. Isn't having a smoking section in a
restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

25. Why is it that most nudists are people you
don't want to see naked?

26. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

27. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can
hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't
know where it's been!"

















Two guys were walking down the street one day
when
they
came across a small pair of gym shorts on the
ground.

They decided to put a sign up on the church
bulletin
board so the rightful owner could claim them.

The first one starts to write out the sign,
"FOUND:
one pair of boys gym shorts..."

"Hold on," says the second, "Those are girls gym
shorts."

"No they're not," says the first, "They're boys
shorts!"

The second grabs them from him and takes a closer
look, "No, no ... Definitely girls gym shorts!"

The two of them are inspecting the shorts in
turns and
arguing.

"Boys shorts!", "No, girls shorts!", "Definitely
boys
shorts!" .... and so on.

The local priest is walking past as the two men
argue
and can't help but ask them what the commotion is
all
about.

The first guy tells the priest, and asks him if
he
could sort out the argument.

The priest takes the shorts, has a good long
sniff,
and after pondering for a few moments he looks at
the
two men and says:

"Definitely boys shorts! ......... but not from
my
parish!"

















POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about six years old.

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop? "

"Yes, " I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
right? "

"Yes, that's right, " I told her.

"Well, then" she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please
tie my shoe? "

~~~~

POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there? " he
asked.

"It sure is, " I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van.

Finally he said, "What'd he do? "

~~~~~

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly
the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will
never believe this! "

~~~~~

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit. "

"And why not, darling? "

"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning. "

~~~~~

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his
playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be
performed, the children had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug
a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son
was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Faaaather. . . and unto the Soonnn . . . and into the
hole he gooooes. "

~~~~~~

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time, " she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they
won't let me talk! "

~~~~~

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found! " the boy called
out. What have you got there, dear? With astonishment in the young boy's
voice,

he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear! "

[bonyhadi]

Question: How to define globalization

Answer: Princess Diana's death


Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian
boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch
engine, driven by a
Belgian who was bombed on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by an
Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American
doctor, using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by an Israeli, using Bill
Gates' technology
which He stole from the Taiwanese.














Slogans

Miss Figpot was giving a lecture on company
slogans, advertising and marketing in her fifth
grade class.

"Joey," he asked, "which company has the slogan,
'Come fly the friendly skies'?"

"United." Joey answered.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the
slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company
with no difficulty.

"Now Johnny, Tell me which company uses the
slogan, 'Just do it'?"

Little Johnny answered, "Mom."










>
>There was this construction worker on
>the 3rd floor of this unfinished building.
>He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy
>to go down and get it himself, so he
>tried to call his fellow worker on the
>ground to get it for him, but this guy
>could not hear a word he said. So he
>started to give a sign so the guy on
>the ground could understand him.
>
>So first he pointed at his eyes
>(meaning "I") then pointed at his
>knees (meaning "need",) and moved
>his hand back and forth describing
>the movement of a hand saw.
>
>Finally the guy on the ground started
>nodding his head like he understood
>and dropped his pants and started to
>jack off.
>
>The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed
>and ran down to the ground and started
>yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was
>trying to say, I need a hand saw". The
>other guy replied: "I know, I was trying
>to tell you that "I am coming...".
>











>You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
>
>You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
>
>Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
>
>Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
>
>The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
>
>Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare
>a loved one.
>
>You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
>
>You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
>
>You come back from the dump with more than you took.
>
>You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
>
>Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
>
>Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
>
>You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
>
>You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
>
>You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
>
>You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
>
>Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
>
>You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
>
>You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
>
>You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
>
>You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
>
>You have a rag for a gas cap.
>
>Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
>
>Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
>
>You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean .
>
>You can spit without opening your mouth.
>
>You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
>
>Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
>
>You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
>
>You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the
>side.
>
>You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
>
>A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
>
>You've used a toilet brush as a back scratchier.
>
>You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
>
>You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
>
>Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you takethem
>out to see what it is.












> > Two cowboys are out on the range, talking about their favorite sex
> > > positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I
> >don't
> > > think I have ever heard of thatone," says the other cowboy. "What is it?"
> > > "Well," the first cowboy replied, "it's where you get your girl friend
> >down
> > > on all fours and you mount her from behind, and then you reach around and
> > > cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her
> >ear,
> > > 'Boy, these feel just like your sisters' '...and then you try to hold on
> >for
> > > 8 seconds!"














SEX IS A TEMPTATION
CAUSED BY A SENSATION
WHEN A MAN PUTS HIS DICTATION
IN A WOMANS VENTILATION
DO YOU GET MY CONVERSATION?
OR DO YOU NEED A DEMONSTRATION?



SKY IS BLUE
WATER IS WET
I'LL MAKE YOU COME
I'LL MAKE YOU SWEAT
PRESSED AGAINST MY BODY
MOVIN UP AND DOWN
SLOWLY BUT FIRMLY
WE WILL MOVE THE GROUND




SEX IS EVIL
SEX IS A GAME
ONE NIGHT OF PASSION
NINE MONTHS OF PAIN
BABYS A BASTARD
FATHERS A GIT
ALL BECAUSE
THE ****ING CONDOM SPLIT!




SEX IS LIKE MATH
YOU SUBTRACT THE CLOTHES
ADD THE BED
DIVIDE THE LEGS
THEN MULTIPLY!!!!!!!




ROSES ARE RED
GRASS IS GREEN
OPEN YOUR LEGS
AND I'LL FILL YOU WITH CREAM



HICKERY DICERY DOCK
DIS ***** WAS SUCKING ME COCK
THE CLOCK STRUCK TWO
ME DUMPED ME GOO
AND DUMPED HER AT
DA END OF THE BLOCK




SEX IS GOOD
SEX IS FINE
DOGGY STYLE
OR 69
JUST FOR FUN
OR GETTING PAID
EVERYONE LIKES
GETTING LAYED















There are several men sitting around in the locker
>>>room of a golf club after a round, showering and
>>>getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly, a cell
>>>phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men
>>>picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
>>>(H - Husband, W - Wife)
>>>
>>>H - "Hello?"
>>>
>>>W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
>>>
>>>H - "Yes."
>>>
>>>W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where
>>>you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's
>>>absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
>>>
>>>H - "What's the price?"
>>>
>>>W - "Only $1,000."
>>>
>>>H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
>>>
>>>W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
>>>and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked.
>>>I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since
>>>we need to exchange the BMW that we
>>>bought last year..."
>>>
>>>H - "What price did he quote you?"
>>>
>>>W - "Only $60,000..."
>>>
>>>H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>>>
>>>W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
>>>
>>>H - "What?"
>>>
>>>W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your
>>>bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this
>>>morning and saw the house we had looked at last year.
>>>It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,
>>>English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property."
>>>
>>>H - "How much are they asking?"
>>>
>>>W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see
>>>that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
>>>
>>>H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"
>>>
>>>W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!!
>>>I love you!!!"
>>>
>>>H - "Bye...I love you too..."
>>>
>>>The man hangs. The other men are staring at him with astonishment and
>>>envy. The husband raises his hand
>>>while holding the phone and asks, "Does anyone
>>>know who this phone belongs to?











Baby Sister

I've got a baby sister
As cute as she can be,
Except she's only got one eye,
And that one eye can't see.

Her nose has got no nostrils,
She looks like a giraffe,
And when she tries to kick her stumps
She always makes me laugh.

Last week they took her far away-
I always knew they would,
And Mommy still is on the pill
That keeps her feeling good.

[CobraDan]

"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says.
"What seems to be the problem?" the Doctor answered back.
"My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?"
"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?"
"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!"
"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?"
"I have! I still don't get enough."
"Take another lover."
"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!"
"Gosh, that's an anomaly."
"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm just a dirty whore!"