Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

A Blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were
currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her
out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent
her on her way.

Who Said Blondes Can't Fly after she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view
is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her
from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I
was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A prominent Hollywood producer was being ministered to by a talented prostitute. She was giving him a total body tongue job, more
commonly
known as ' a trip
around the world '.
At the same time he was arguing on the telephone with a a film director over a plot twist on a new television movie on which they were
working jointly.
The argument got so heated that the prostitute looked up from her work and complained, "Damn it, man, argue on your own time!"
The producer bellowed into the phone, "We're going to do it my way!"
And then he turned to the girl. "And you *****...you keep a civil tongue in my ass!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down
the back?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work;
I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our jobto stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature
into something you'd like to
have dinner with."
Kathleen Mifsud

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." Ann Bancroft

"Any husband who says, 'My wife and I are completely equal partners,' is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge."
Bill Cosby

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
Rita Rudner

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut after."
Benjamin Franklin

"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
Henny Youngman

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." Rodney Dangerfield

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
Milton Berle

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
George Burns

"When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."
Elaine Boosler

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
Phyllis Diller

"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."
Rita Rudner

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
Henny Youngman

"At a party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ringon the wrong finger?'
The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
Anonymous

"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are
beautiful." Anonymous
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor,
Doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.
"Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a large revival meeting on the outskirtsof town, and at the appropriate corner there wasa large sign proclaiming...."If you are
weary ofsin and want to be
saved, turn here, go 100 yards,and come into the " Save The Sinners " revival tent."
Below the sign someone had hung another smallersign...."If NOT weary, call Sherry 555-3550."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are 2 kinds of people in this world.
Those that want to get ahead, and those that just want to get head
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own
pants.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy says to his girlfriend, "Do you know
the difference between a conversation and
making love?"

The girl says, "No."

"Then lie down," the guy says. "I wanna
talk to you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you call two skunks 69-ing?
A: Odor eaters.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhood bar and sits next to a local honey already having her first beverage. As he tries to strike
up a conversation she
keeps ignoring him. Finally he says, "you know me, why don't you talk to me?"

She replies, "Yes, I know you, you're Morgan - big M, small organ."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ `
The doctor was surprised to find old Mr. Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked
over to the nurse who was
taking his vitals.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?"

The nurse replied, "I told him that you were going to want to examine his sexual organs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

[Snacol]

A golfer on the PGA tour is playing in Japan...The first place prize is a million dollars....By the end of Sat. round he has a ten shot lead..He so excited that he asks his japanese caddy for a japanese hooker...The caddy say's No Problem ..So later that night a knock comes at the golfers door...The golfer lets the hooker in and pretty soon they start after it,but as soon as he's in she starts screaming E Ho E Ho........!!!!! The golfer is so excited he starts going harder and faster and she starts screaming even louder E Ho E Ho E Ho...........!!!!Finally she gets so loud with the E HOs that he puts a sock in her mouth ..Well this went on for all of 3 minutes and he finishes..The Hooker spits the sock out mumbling E Hoooo E Hoooo...Well the next day the golfer isn't doing so well and as he comes up to the 18th hole he looks up at the board and sees a 10 way tie for first ..He's bummed he sees his million being split 10 different ways...He rears back and makes the best shot of his life rips a hole in one and wins the tournament and the million...He's so excited that he won that he wants to say something in Japanese so he screams E HO E Ho..To which his caddy replies "No man that's not the wrong hole"

[CobraDan]

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver,
"Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"

[bonyhadi]

Facelift

A lady goes to the doctor to see about
getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor,
"I can do the facelift, and then you'll have
to come back in six months for a follow-up."

"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all
done in one shot. I don't want to have to come
back."

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers,
"There is a new procedure where we put a screw
in the top of your head. Then anytime you see
wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn,
which pulls the skin up and they disappear."

"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the
doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady
bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."

"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.

"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.

"Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren't bags, those
are your boobs, and if you don't leave that screw
alone, you're going to have a beard!"









A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help
him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their
journey to find the herd.
After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear
to the ground and says "Hmm, buffalo come."
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees
nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see
anything. How do you know buffalo come"?
The Indian replies, "Ear sticky."













When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect
longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis
had grown to nearly twenty inches in length. Ralph became quite concerned.

He was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to
see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician
explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be
corrected through corrective surgery.

How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs,
aren't you??!!"











Just when you thought that Irish jokes had gone away..........


PART ONE Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dats dem." The
clerk
comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a
peeper
bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are
high up in
the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "
Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off
the
cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straightdown for a few seconds followed by a SPLAT. As Paddy looks
over
the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin is too fockin dangerous for me."

PART TWO A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar peeper bag. He
pulls a
parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus
says and
launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head
off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT! As he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom Paddy shakes his head and says, "An
oim
never troyin dat parrotshooting noider."

PART THREE A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean (no relation here)
strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and has a peeper peeper bag. Instead of a parrot he pulls out a chicken, and launches
himself
off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping,
den
Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin hengliding."















One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:
"God, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?" asks God.
"God, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake,
but
I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution.
I shall create man for you...
But this man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.
He'll lie, cheat, and be vain glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But, on the plus side, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things.
He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your
physical
needs.
He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.
He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, God?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, God?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...
So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
Just remember, it's our little secret...
You know, woman to woman."

[bonyhadi]

This was an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental
Quality, State of Michigan...and his subsequent response.



Mr Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson,
MI 49339

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr DeVries

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
activity.

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the
start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files
shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has
determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature
are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department
therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this
location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by
removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.
All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31
2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
activity on the site may result in this case being referred for
elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.

Sincerely,

David L Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division




This is the actual response sent back

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond
to.

First of all, Mr Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or
Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner
and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project,
I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful
use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their
dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can
safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills,
their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of
dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to
said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of
all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301,
Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather
than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the
stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the
beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not
pay any attention to your dam letter they being unable to read
English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is
green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do
to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources
and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect
the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice
then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to
contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers
alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your
step! (The bears are not careful>where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response
to your dam office.

Sincerely,
Stephen L Tvedte

////////


It's easy to tell if a man is married or not.. Just watch him
drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands
are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them glances at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicoderm patch on it.He turns to the
other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."The other one replies,
"It's working just fine. I'm down to
2 butts a day."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Turn

Dick and Sandra were planning to go on a second honeymoon for
their 50th wedding anniversary. Sandra said, "We will
go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"Uh huh," said Dick

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon?"
asked Sandra .

"Uh huh," said Dick.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon?" asked
Sandra.

"That's right," said Richard, "except this time I get to sit
on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four convicts were eating in the chow hall one day.
One says, "You guys mind if I fart?"
"No."
"Pfffffffffffffff"
A second guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?"
"No."
"Pffffffffffffff"
A third guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?"
"No."
"Pffffffffffffff"
The fourth guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?"
"No."
"BRRRRRAAAAAPPP!!
The other three guys look astonished. "Wow!! A virgin!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AOL CAR
The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell
phones.
AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car
dealerships.
AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

[bonyhadi]

Mum is working in the farmhouse kitchen when dad enters with his
first erection in years.

"Mum, get into bed!" he says.

She takes off her apron, puts all the ingredients and utensils
away, washes her hands, gets into bed... but too late. Dad has
withered away.

"Ya know, we can't have this happen again," says dad, "next time
I get one of these I'll ring the fire bell so you can start
getting ready when you hear it. When I get to the house, we'll be
right."

A year goes by. Mum's in the kitchen. She hears the fire bell.
She goes through all the preparations. Dad comes pounding into
the house, through the kitchen, into the bedroom where mum lies
naked waiting for him. He looks her over and says,

"Get up, ya oversexed fool... the barn's on fire!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fishing Vs Women


1. A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.
2. You don't have to eat a fish while it's still flopping around.
3. You can go in the bush anytime you want.
4. Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.
5. Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay
expected of you.
6. Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.
7. A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.
8. 2 hours of complete silence.(ok, a 2 hour blowjob will achieve the
same thing... but then you will owe her a diamond the size of a small
rodent!)
9. You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.
10. If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.
11. A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut.
12. It's okay to cook a fish to make it taste good.
13. Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as they do for a guy of 20.
14. You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.
15. Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.
16. You generally can go home with a dozen fish before anyone says
anything.
17. The fish will usually nibble gently on your worm before they engulf
it entirely in their mouth.
18. If you pull out too quickly, all that happens is that you have a
happy fish.
19. A fish doesn't care how big your rod is.
20. Blowfish!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Statistical Findings:

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place
36% of the women favour nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion:

Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day.

Moral:

Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When
the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry,
sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the
manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and
marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few
moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no
success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy,
what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice, Sam replied,



"The balcony".










1. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading...
--(Henny Youngman)

2. I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--(Frank Sinatra )

3. An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools.
--(Ernest Hemingway)

4. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--(Stephen Wright )

5. When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- (Brian O'Rourke )

6. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--(Benjamin Franklin)

7. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be
out of workand their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It
is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
--(Jack Handy)



The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3!


You are under arrest and....

1. No, I don't care who you are.
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes... you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are________ (fill in).
8. No, I can't give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________(fill in).
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Thank you, have a nice day.
Your Arresting Officer __________(fill in)




Stockmarket Terms And Definitions


Stock split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets
equally between themselves.

Financial Planner: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he
runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears
down the toilet.

Call Option: Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient
times before e-mail.

Day Trader: Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.

P/E ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
Market keeps crashing.

Broker: Poorer than you were in 1999.

"Buy, Buy:" A flight attendant making market recommendations
as you step off the plane.

Standard and Poor: Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market: A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance;
the wife gets no jewelry.

Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.

Yahoo: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
for $240 per share.

Windows 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that
bought Yahoo for $240 per share.

Institutional Investor: Past year investor who's now locked up
in a nut house.

Profit: Religious guy who talks to God.

Alan Greenspan: God.

Bill Gates: Where God goes for a loan.





POTENTIAL TITLES FOR SADDAM HUSSEIN NOVELS:


"The Scuds of Wrath"
"A Tree Won't Grow in Bagdad"
"20,000 Leagues Under the Sand"
"A Tale of Two Smart Bombs"
"For Whom the Stealth Bomber Tolls"

And the final Saddam Hussein best selling title:

..."A Farewell to Arms...and Legs"






Points Worth Pondering

GUN 'REFRESHER' COURSE

A.. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a victim.
B.. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
C.. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
D.. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
E.. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
F.. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
G.. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
H.. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
I.. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
J.. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.
K.. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
L.. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
M.. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
N.. Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Politicians.
O.. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
P.. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
Q.. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
R.. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
S.. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.
T.. If Guns cause Crime, then Matches cause Arson.
U.. A government that's afraid of its citizens, tries to control them.
V.. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
W.. Enforce the "gun control laws" in place, don't make more.
X .. If you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
Y.. The American Revolution wouldn't have happened with Gun Control.
Z.. "...a government by the people, for the people..."

PLEASE PASS THIS 'REFRESHER' ON TO OTHER FREE CITIZENS BEFORE WE LOSE
ANY MORE FREEDOMS

[bonyhadi]

Attached: A clip of Robin Williams from his recent show,
Live On Broadway, discussing the invention of golf.
HYSTERICALLY funny; NOT for the easily offended!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
Difficult Words To Say When You're Drunk


Specificity
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
British Constitution

Impossible Words To Say When You're Drunk
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Impossible Words To Say When You're Drunk

Thanks, but I don't want sex.
No, I don't want another drink.
No kebab for me, thank you.
Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.
Good evening, officer.
I'm not interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did they call that herd of wild oxen that developed
vertigo after migrating from Tibet to Kenya?
A: Afro Dizzy Yaks.

Q: Why are redneck murder mysteries are so hard to solve?
A: The DNA is all the same and there are no dental records.

Q: What's the definition of a will?
A: It's a dead giveaway.

Q: What do you call a 300 pound woman from Texas?
A: Anorexic.

Q: What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an ass?
A: Bush's tie.

Q: How does the LAPD play poker?
A: Four clubs beat a king.

Q: What's the fourth biggest lie?
A: "It's only a cold sore."

Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard the referee was blowing fowls.

Q: Why is the contraceptive sponge such a great idea?
A: Because after you **** her, she can get up and wash dishes with it.

Q: How small was it?
A: Let's just say she didn't suck, she flossed.

Q: What do you call a farmer with a pig under one arm and
a sheep under the other?
A: Bisexual.

Q: Why are hotdogs America's favorite food?
A: Because they taste better than dildos.

Q: When you order a Bloody Mary, how can you tell if the waitress
is pissed at you?
A: She leaves the string in it.

Q: Why do farts smell?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them, too.

Q: What's the difference between spinach and boogers?
A: Not everyone likes the taste of spinach.

Q: How many evolutionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes him 200,000 years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whorizon Wireless
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/popt...commercial.asp
ROFLMAO!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
The newlywed couple come back from their honeymoon. The bride's mother
asks the groom: Did you enjoy "the whole thing"?
The groom answers: Yes, I enjoyed the "hole" and she enjoyed the
"thing"!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
Bubba's old uncle Herman goes into an ice cream parlour walking very
shakily with a cane. He sits down at the counter and orders a
chocolate sundae from the soda jerk. The soda jerk asks him, "Crushed
nuts?" Herman
replies, "No, arthritis."
================================================== ===========
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,"
she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the
customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious
success."
"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and
I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of
current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped
a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny.
"Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell
enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample.
They all said the same thing.
Hey, this tastes like ****!
Then I would say.............." It is ****."
Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
************************************************** ****

[bonyhadi]

************************************************** ****
The husband had finally had enough of being *****-whipped. He burst
through the door after work and yelled, " Here's the deal Woman. I
want my dinner on the table in 15 minutes. Afterwards, we're going
upstairs where you'll give me a great blowjob.

Then while I'm in the shower, you'll lay out some clean clothes for me.
Cause I'm going out on the town with the boys. And do you know who's
gonna tie my ****ing tie just the way I like it."

"Yes Dear," she replied. "The undertaker."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

What do you call a dwarf Eskimo with a hard on?
A Frigid Midget With A Ridged Digit!
================================================== ===========
Coming back from the ladies' room, the bimbo stormed up to her boyfriend at the bar.
"That man by the pool table just insulted me!" she fumed.
"He told me he wanted to tear off my shirt and suck my tits!"
"Yeah?", her boyfriend jumped from his stool.
"Then he said he was going to rip off my skirt and eat my *****."
"I'm gonna kick his ass," her boyfriend growled, pulling off his jacket.
"You better", the girl egged him on, "because he said he was going to turn me on my head, fill my ***** with whiskey, and drink it all down."
Her boyfriend sheepishly took his jacket back and resumed sitting on his bar stool.
"What's wrong?", the girlfriend whined.
He said, "I'm not messing with any son-of-a-***** who can drink THAT much whiskey!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said
she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised,
would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she
was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds. She
phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which
produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation,
however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
================================================== ====================
How do you know a blonde likes you?
She screws you two nights in a row.

Why is a blonde like Australia?
They're both down under, and no one cares.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a couple were getting ready for bed, the husband coming from the
bathroom and jumps in bed, his wife whines "I have a headache"
he replies "Perfect!! I just powdered my dick in aspirin, you can take
it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you "
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

A Rooster And A Cat"

One day a rooster and a cat were walking down the
street, they were good friends and liked to go on
walks together.

Suddenly it began to rain and the sidewalk became
very slick and full of puddles. The cat slipped and
fell into one of the puddles! At this sight, the
rooster
became hysterical, laughing long and loud!

Moral of the story: Whenever there is a wet *****,
there is sure to be a happy cock nearby!



WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOU.....
Acura Integra- I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars

Acura Legend- I'm too bland for German cars

Acura NSX- I am impotent

Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires

Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states

Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman

Cadillac Seville- I am a pimp

Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating up people

Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have
a 'Vette

Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis

Chevrolet El Camino- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Chrysler Cordoba- I dig the rich Corinthian leather

Datsun 280Z- I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well

Dodge Dart- I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower

Dodge Daytona- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car

Ford Fairmont- (See Dodge Dart)

Ford Mustang- I slow down to 85 in school zones

Ford Crown Victoria- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when
I pull up behind them

Geo Storm- I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.

Geo Tracker- I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.

Honda del Sol- I have always said, half a convertible is better than no
convertible at all

Honda Civic- I have just graduated and have no credit

Honda Accord- I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.

Infiniti Q45- I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse- I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6- I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280
days per year.

Kia Sephia- I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.

Lincoln Town Car- I live for bingo and covered dish suppers

Mercury Grand Marquis- (See above)

Mercedes 500SL- I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.

Mercedes 560SEL- I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.

Mazda Miata- I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler

MGB- I am dating a mechanic

Mitsubishi Diamante- I don't know what it means either

Nissan 300ZX- I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Oldsmobile Cutlass- I just stole this car and I'm going
to make a....

Peugeot 505 Diesel- I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted
List

Plymouth Neon- I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena

Pontiac Trans AM- I have a switchblade in my sock

Porsche 944- I am dating big haired women that otherwise
would be inaccessible to me

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow- I think Pat Buchannon is
a tad bit too liberal

Saturn SC2- (See Honda Civic)

Subaru Legacy- I have always wanted a Japanese car even
more

Toyota Camry- I am still in the closet

Volkswagon Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volkswagon Cabriolet- I am out of the closet

Volkswagon Microbus- I am tripping right now

Volvo 740 Wagon- I am frightened of my wife

[CobraDan]

Several cannibals were recently hired by a big
corporation. "You are all part of our team now,"
said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits, but please don't
eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all
working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However,
one of our secretaries has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss
had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Okay, which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been
eating Managers and no one noticed
anything, then you had to go and eat a secretary!"

[CobraDan]

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box
and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags
because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they! all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim . At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck. My Grandma
says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be
retarded one day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

[bonyhadi]

During the National Spelling Bee recently in the nation's capital,
Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering that the USA was
embedded in the middle of Jerusalem, Israel's holiest city. The
revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader at the Joseph
Lieberman Day School in Rockville Center, Md. When young Levin was
asked to spell the word Jerusalem, he replied, "J E R- USA - L E M."
An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who realized, for the
first time, a USA presence in the holy city. Muslim parents
immediately protested the spelling contest, citing American bias toward
Israel.

"It's a clear violation of church and state," said Mohammed Ahlee,
lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite. Bee officials quickly denied
any wrongdoing, asserting that the Muslims were merely disgruntled
because Rajeed Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High,
had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan as Afghanustan.
"There is no 'A-N-U-S' in the middle of Afghanistan," said one bee
official, "unless you believe bin Laden is still hiding there."

----------------------------

"I'm very lucky. If it wasn't for golf I don't know what I'd
be doing. If my IQ had been two points lower, I'd have been
a plant somewhere." -- Lee Trevino

--------------------------------

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship.
It's entitled, 'Women are From Venus, Men Are Wrong.'" --Unknown

--------------------------------

Did you hear about the new Jewish game show?
The Price Is Too Much.

[bonyhadi]

http://www.editionnine.deathrowbook....nf_sertest.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woah! Error! ****!
http://www.blogjam.com/ashe/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: "I don't know, I never had one."

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished
men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````````````````````````````````````````````````` ```````
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first
term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming;
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe
this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
************************************************** *************************
Thorn walks up to man in a pointed hat and the following conversation takes place.....

Thorn: You're Merlin The Magician, aren't you?
Merlin: Why yes .. it's nice to be recognized!
Thorn: Bit of a Wizard .. I hear?
Merlin: Well Yes .. I've been told I'm skilled
Thorn: Do tricks and things .. don't ya.. Magical stuff?
Merlin: Magical ... yes that's correct.
Thorn: Turn Kings into Frogs .. and that sort of thing..
Is that right?
Merlin: Well Yes .. I suppose I could Turn a King into a Frog!
Thorn: Ever ****ed up .. Ya know, made a mistake?
Merlin: Well Yes .. hasn't everyone?
Thorn: Can you reverse a curse???
Merlin: Yes I can ... with knowledge of who applied the curse and the actual words of enchantment, I could do
it .... Why ?
Thorn: I'm Cursed, Merlin.
Merlin: Really ... and how long have you been bewitched?
Thorn: For years ...
Merlin: Do you know the words spoken over you to lay this curse?
Thorn: Yeah .. I *can't* EVER forget them!
Merlin: What were they???
Thorn: Something like ...
"Do you take this woman to be your
lawfully wedded wife?"
===========================
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the
emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is
not the AOL Chat Room."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How do you cancel an appointment with a sperm bank?
A: Just tell 'em you can't come.

Q: What should you do if a pretty girl sits on your hand?
A: Try to get her off.


Q: Why do women like to be on top?
A: So they can accuse the guy of screwing up.

Q. Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
A. Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.

~~~~~~
Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her
dentist ... and she was going to propose to him.


Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why this dentist?"


"Because he is the First man that ever said to me .... SPIT, don't SWALLOW."
~~~~~~~~~~
A carpenter was doing work for Johnny's folks. Every time the carpenter got out another tool to work with, little Johnny would say,
"My pop has TWO of those."
The carpenter finally had to use the bathroom, and Johnny followed him in there. "I'll bet your pop doesn't have two of THESE," said
the carpenter.
Johnny replied, "No, but he has ONE that will make TWO of yours!"

********************
Facelift

A lady goes to the doctor to see about
getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor,
"I can do the facelift, and then you'll have
to come back in six months for a follow-up."

"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all
done in one shot. I don't want to have to come
back."

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers,
"There is a new procedure where we put a screw
in the top of your head. Then anytime you see
wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn,
which pulls the skin up and they disappear."

"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor
asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."

"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.

"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.

"Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren't bags, those
are your boobs, and if you don't leave that screw
alone, you're going to have a beard!"
==============================
STOCK MARKET WARNING
Normally I avoid discussing any advice received from our broker, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn
you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in
the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company. Due to
uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.
You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean. It's a
tough market out there. Be careful.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ```````````````````````````````````````

[bonyhadi]

EXACTLY LIKE HER
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up her
skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
"That's funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."
################################################## ####
UNZIPPED
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to
get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.Slightly embarrassed and with a quick
smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the
step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted thestep, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more
and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and
turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
************************************************** **********************************
Bill and Hilary Clinton were the guests of honor at the World Marching Girl and Drum Majorette Championships in New York.Hilary noticed that Bill had a smile on his
face, so she said, " Well honey, what are you smiling at?"
Bill replied, "Honey, if I had another inch, I'd be pretty popular amongst them Marching Girls."
A big smile came across Hilary's face.
Bill said, "What are you smiling about?"
Hilary replied, "Bill, if you had one inch less, you'd be out there marching with them." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a big bag of cat food beside it.Uninterested in the bag, he looks over to the other side and
sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes his mouth water.
Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily eyeing the cat food on his side. The two look at each other and wonder what to do.
The rooster says, "I know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to make it to the other side."
The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try"
The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to the bag and starts
devouring the chicken feed.
The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in the middle of the river.
The Moral of the Story: For every satisfied cock, there's a wet *****!
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``````
BETS AT THE BANK OF CANADA
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings
account because, it's a lot of money.
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, $165,000 and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came into all of this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where
did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets".
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure", said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent along time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning
from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win
the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 AM, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and
repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay", said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
NO FRILLS AIRLINES
With airlines strapped for cash, you might end up seeing a couple of changes the next time you decide to fly.YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON A"NO FRILLS" AIRLINE
WHEN...
13. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
12. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
11. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
10. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
9. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
8. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
6. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
4. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once!"
3. No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes!
2. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane!
1. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
##############################################
ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation. - - -
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Aft er just one year of marriage, Jill filed for divorce. A
friend, trying to console her, said that you never know what a man's like until you live with him.
"I should have left him right after the honeymoon. Not only did he not take me to Niagara Falls as he had promised, all we did was drive through a car wash a
couple of times, really slowly."
- - - - ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - -
When the census-taker came to this house, the woman was really bragging about having quadruplets, noting how that happens only once in 300,000 times.
The census-taker (not that impressed probably) noted: "It's a wonder you had time for cooking or the laundry."
===============================================
"Is there a woman here in need of assistance?" asked the medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door.
"Yes." replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife. She has an electric vibrator lodged in her."
"Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital." the medic replied."Those things can be tricky to remove."
"Never mind." said the husband. "We have an HMO which doesn't allow emergency room visits except for life-threatening incidents. But for now, could you at least
turn it off? It's interfering with the TV."
b

[bonyhadi]

t may be no accident that the word "menopause" invites the association "pause from men." Prior to that, some women may experience a sort of preview: "Men, get
your paws off of me!"
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````````````````````````````````````````````````` ```````
"Honey," the wife said, "I think I'm going to the doctor to see if he can find out why I'm so dull and listless."
"Great idea!" the husband replied. "And once he gets your sex drive all straightened out, see if he can figure out why you've been moping around lately."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
MORE FAVORITE BUMPER SNICKERS:
I May Be Slow, But I'm Ahead Of You.
Seen on a pickup truck: The more I learn about women, the more I like my truck! Seen on the back of a large SUV: If you can't stop, at least smile as you go under.
************************************************** *****************************************
CLASSES FOR MEN NOTE:
Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 18 participants each.

TOPIC 1 - HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS.
Step by step, with slide presentation.

TOPIC 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion.

TOPIC 3 - IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Group practice.

TOPIC 4 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
Examples on video.

TOPIC 6 - LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
Helpline support and support groups.

TOPIC 7 - LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THERIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE
SCREAMING.
Open forum.

TOPIC 8 - HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Graphics and audio tape.

TOPIC 9 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonials.

TOPIC 10 - IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11 - LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE.
Online class and role playing.

TOPIC 12 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation.Exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE
GOING TO BE LATE.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

**UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
THREE WAY DEBATE
Three animals in a bar was having a huge argument over who was the best.
The first animal, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had hardly a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. No one in the jungle dared to challenge him, King of the Jungle.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature with his unique arsenal.
As the three debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman took an inexperienced man
home one night. When they got to
her apartment, she suggested that
they try a 69. "What do you mean?"
he asked. Not knowing quite how to
explain, she said "you put your head
between my legs and I'll put my head
between your legs" Still unsure but
willing, he agreed. As soon as he got
his head between her legs, she let
out a rip-roaring fart.

"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.

"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try
again" she said.

On the second attempt the very same
thing happened. The man immediately
got up and started getting dressed.
"Where are you going?" she asked,
to which he replied: "If you think
I'm sticking around for 67 more of
those, you're crazy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up and asked him
what he was doing?
Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world."
The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant
woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"
Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiots Guide To Sex
* If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and
learn the language.

* "Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics.

* A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.

* Membership of the Mile*High Club is void if you apply by yourself.

* A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.

* Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease.

* If it doesn't make you smile: you AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT!

* When she comes down wearing her most expensive body stocking and asks you to come to
bed, don't say you first want to check your e-mail.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````````````````````````````````````````````````` ```````````````````
THE NEW DRESS

The New Dress

by Ron Selby

A lady walked into the room to show hubby her new dress,
She was a rather large lady - around forty two in the chest.
The dress was cut really low - showed off her feminine shape,
Her husband's eyes almost popped - all he could do was gape!

"Where did you get that dress, my dear?" said hubby with a grin.
"There seems to be more of you out of it - than there is within.
You really look desirable, dear! It's the greatest dress by far!
You really look sexy, especially as your not wearing a bra!"

"How did you know that I had no bra?" she asked her loving spouse.
"Now don't you get me wrong my dear! That dress, it looks real grouse!
I can tell you have no bra on, dear, behind all that frill and lace,
I can tell real easy - 'cause all the wrinkles have gone from your face!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
************************************************** *

[bonyhadi]

"Ace Pilot"



Zack volunteered for military service during WWII.
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he
was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp.



The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is
the best flier on the base.



All they could do was give him his gold wings and
assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the
Pacific.



On his first day aboard he took off and single-
handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeros. Then
climbing up to 20,000 feet he found 10 more
Japanese plans and shot them all down, too.



Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended,
circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing
on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed
out and jogged over to the Captain.



Saluting smartly, he said, "Well, Sir, how did I do
on my very first day?"



The Captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant
mistake!!"










====================








TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not
satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,
I think you have things a little confused.

Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, Would you
prefer me on my back or kneeling?
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breath

[bonyhadi]

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she
has a terrible secret.
The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of
the confessional. She says,
"Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and
says, That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Mary's,
five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
================================================== ===========
A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In
fact he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all
the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a
good venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local
TV station to speak with the advertising manager.
The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the
Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful
crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red
beans..."
The sales manager said, "Ok, Ok, I get the message. And what would you
be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?"
The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly,
"I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks."
"$300?" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind!!!
The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the
Super Bowl!
For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the
audience!"
The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those
people are out for blood. I'm just farting around."
================================================== ===========
A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred
home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman
replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No,
sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for
cotton again?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died
yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a
week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was
poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
================================================== ===========
A lawyer who was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness,
stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."
The Judge replied: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."
================================================== ===========
Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's
spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."

The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like
W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"

The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's
spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!"

The one man turns to her and says, "Madam, it's obvious that you've
never heard an elephant fart."
================================================== ===========
HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:

1. You wake up face down on the pavement.

2. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

4. You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting in your office.

5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and
there aren't any.

7. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the
city.

8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

9. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that
you don't have a waterbed.

10.Your car horn goes off accidentally & remains stuck as you follow a
group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

11.Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

12.Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

13.The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

14.You wake up and your braces are locked together.

15.You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your
pantyhose.

16.You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your
business.

17.Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

18.Your income check bounces.

19.You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

20.Your pet rock snaps at you.

21.Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
================================================== ===========
What is the loose skin around the ***** called?
The woman.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

================================================== ===========
One summer, a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine.
While soaking up some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual desires.
He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex with her and then sent the young lady on
her way. She immediately reported this to the police and Jacques was arrested.
On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of the crime he committed against the young lady. Jacques looked at the judge with a
bewildered look and said "Non!! Hi don't understand! Hin my country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room, BOOM-BOOM, give hit to her den let
her go! Hit's O.K.!!!"
"Sir", the judge said, in THIS country if you are to have sex with a lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered rape.You must have her
consent!"
After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at the judge and exclaimed, "CUNSCENT!!! Hi got her cunscent!!! Hi got her cunscent on
my fingers, cunscent on my mustache, hi got her cunscent everywhere!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon.
The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.
The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey,I
have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the
top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house.
When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what are you doing here?
You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
The son says, "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a
virgin." "Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving.
If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good
enough for ours!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


ARE YOU NORMAL



Facts about Americans. Did you know that...

Remember when you are reading this
90% of people say that they sometimes lie.
AROUND THE HOUSE* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their
husbands to do it correctly.
* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
* 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. (Is there a correlation????)
HABITS* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order
with singles leading up to higher denominations.
* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to
avoid the high prices of snack foods.
* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
* 17% have been caught by the host.
* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
* 29% of us ignore RSVP.
* 35% give to charity at least once a month.
* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
FOOD* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
* Snickers is the most popular candy.
* 22% of us skip lunch daily.
* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
* 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
HYGIENE* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
* Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
* 33% of women lie about their weight.
* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
(I thought that was preferred Trident gum)
* The average girl starts her period at age 12.
* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
* 23.5% admit they don't always flush.
* 45.2% pee in the shower.
* 44.9% pee in the ocean.
* 28.1% pee in the pool.
* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after
they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
DRIVING* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
(and probably 4 out of 5 can't sing for beans either)
* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
* 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
(This is hard to believe - Get on a highway and go the exact
speed limit. Are 45% of the people not passing you - I doubt it)
* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
* 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
(Hint from Jokemaster: When this happens, accelerate while
simultaneously touching your brake - just enough so the break
light goes on - scaring the crap out of the guy behing you)
WHAT WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
RELIGION* 90% believe in divine retribution.
* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
(That's one Commandment per person on average)
* 82% believe in an afterlife.
* 45% believe in ghosts.
* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. (Not Counting Casper)
* 49% believe in ESP.
DAILY LIVING* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
* 59% of us say we're average-looking.
* Less than 10% are trilingual.
* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
* 44% reuse tinfoil.
* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
* 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
LOVE & SEX* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
* Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
* 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
(How many claim they are?)
* The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
* Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4".
* 56% of men have had sex at work.
* 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.
* Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.
* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
* 6% propose over the phone. (Guys get a clue)
(And what percent said yes?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Restroom Policy

TO: All Employees
From: Management
Re: Restroom PolicyIn the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines.
Effective Feb. 25, 2000 a Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and
ensuring equal treatment of all employees.
Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee.
The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20 points.
RTC can be accumulated from month to month.
Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition.
During the next two (2) weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to management.
The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of Feb.
Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this period. It will be restrictive starting March 1, 2000.
If an employee's RTB balances at zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice print until the first of the month.
In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time paper roll retractor.
If the restroom is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound throughout the entire building.
A computer simulated voice will be activated and announce over the public announcing system the name of the delinquent employee.
Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the restroom door will automatically open.
If at that time, the employee still remains seated inside the stall, the restroom cameras (which will be linked to the payroll and security console) will turn
on.Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated.
If you have any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask your supervisor.

Thank You!
Management

[ssirlin]

The police respond to a neighbor's call late at nite about screaming coming fromthe house next door. After breaking down the door, the detectives observe a man with a bloody golf club in his hands, standing over a dead woman. He has blood all over his clothes.
The detective, jotting down notes in a notebook, asks the bloody man with the club, " That your wife ?"
Man with the club answers "yep"
Detective : "Get into a fight ?"
Man : "yep"
Detective : "How many times did you hit her , 9 or 10 ? "
Man : " Yep, but put me down for a 5 !"

[xlr8or]

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is
advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, rescue dog handlers,
and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert
for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and
Clark National Forests. They advise people to wear
noise-producing devices such as little bells on their
clothing to alert, but not startle the bears
unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray
in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good
idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should
be able to recognize the difference between black bear
and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are
smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like
pepper spray.