Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot answers the guy's question: "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this : how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology.

You ought to buy me. I am a great companion." The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer."

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

"What?" says the guy. "What?" "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over,"reports the parrot.
"My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..."
The parrot pauses for a long time.
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the parrot, "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch."

[Steve R]

Dan,
Thanks for keeping this torch burning. Keep 'em coming buddy!
Steven

[CobraDan]

Two rather drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time. "I've got an idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then go and find us some girls."
"No," replied the other one, "I've got more than I can handle at home."
"Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one more drink and go up to your place."

[CobraDan]

A guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of
your penis?".
The guy says "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me
the name of your penis. Mine for example is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just
do it.' That guy at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really
satisfies!"
The customer looked dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over.
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer,
"Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks "Why TIMEX?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin, and keeps on tickin."
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly says, "FORD, because 'Quality is job
one."
Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes
up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,
"The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why Secret?"
The customer says, "Because 'IT'S STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!'"

[CobraDan]

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a
bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to
just under a hundred ... then she floored me.

She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that
happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and
walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where
the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew
exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the
front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to
be.

He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a
good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and
he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancée's what her parents did, and that I
thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or, should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

[CobraDan]

CONFESSIONAL

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest : Are you sorry for your sins?
Man : What sins?
Priest : What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man : I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man : I'm telling everybody.

BROTHEL TRIP
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says."90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

CALLER QUESTION
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

SENILITY
An old man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile.
Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." "That's not senility,"
replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

OLD FRED
Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies.
The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket. At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

BEAUTIFUL
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute."She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"

[CobraDan]

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cobra Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup!!!
I'm a man, but it scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the
steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into
the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned "Big Jim and the Twins," ruined the phone, put out my cigarette, and
disconnected an important call!!!
D____ WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!

[CobraDan]

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9.You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

[CobraDan]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know
anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married.
They went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. While they were lying by the pool one morning, he got up off of
his towel, climbed the ten- meter board, and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in the jackknife position. When he straightened
out, he cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and laid down on her towel, hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice
and I worked both sides of the canal.

[CobraDan]

It was a very hot, steamy July day in Minnesota. Helga, a hard working Swedish woman, had just hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot" she mused as she walked down main street. She passed by a tavern. As the cool air rushed out thru the open doorway, Helga thought, "Vy nodt?" She walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it's so hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer. "The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks! Und how's yer pecker?"

[CobraDan]

Dear ABBY,
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but has cheated
entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and
supporters.

They know he's a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a
hard worker, but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets
caught, he just denies it all. Then he admits he was wrong, and begs
me toforgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town
knows he's a cheat. What should I do?

Dear Frustrated,
You should dump him. Now that you are a New York
Senator, you don't need him anymore.

[wadesdad]

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle
Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the
phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and
now she's all dead."

"Oh my God ... And what about uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no
clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into
the swimming pool, but he must have forgot
that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the
bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

[Mr.Fixit]

First-year students at Medical School were receiving
their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all
gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In
medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
human body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck
itin his mouth."Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of
the dead body and sucking on it.When everyone finished, the professor looked
at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to
pay attention."

[CobraDan]

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "Breasts."

[CobraDan]

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.
One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7- Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.
Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.
The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."
The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

[CobraDan]

There was a guy who walked into a bar to get a cold one. Inside he met a pirate.
The guy sat down next to the pirate and noticed he had a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.
The guy turned to the pirate and said "Do you know that there's a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate turned to the guy and said "Aye, It Drives Me Nuts"

[CobraDan]

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, I wish you'd come to me sooner.

[CobraDan]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

[CobraDan]

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ.- They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?" Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I... I think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"

[CobraDan]

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish
sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly
offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had
asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I
had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if
I
asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had

asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would
ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no." With deep self-righteous indignation, the
guy says,

"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just
because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."