Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

================================================== =========
Things you CAN say at Thanksgiving....

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
==============================

[Hotfingrs]

Subject: NOTICE FROM CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES:
Afghanistan Cruise

We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had
promised to leave the country if George W.Bush became President.
With that in mind, we have a Special Offer
for those who want to keep their promise!

Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell,
Cher, Phil Donahue,David Gephin, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and
anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and
report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which
has been commissioned
to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan.
You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq.
The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor
through Palm Beach,Broward,
and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.

Please pack for an extended stay...
at least four years and you should consider
the possibility of eight years.

Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any.

Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain,

Al Gore as cruise director,

Monica Lewinsky as recreation director,

Ted Kennedy as lifeguard
and emergency procedures director,

and
Congressman Gary Condit as intern coordinator.

If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes,friends
and loved ones, please direct your comments to
Senator Hillary Clinton.

Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch
over all your money and your furnishings until you return.

Bon Voyage!"

Is this a great country or what!

[CobraDan]

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the a$$ off his secretary."

[Hotfingrs]

Subject: FW: Guns V Doctors




Think About This:
A. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
B. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
C. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health & Human
Services)

Then think about this:
A. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
B. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
C. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than
gun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets out of hand. As a public health measure I have withheld
the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to
seek medical attention.

[Hotfingrs]

>
> >ENGLISH WELL SPEECHED HERE
> >The sign in a Norwegian lounge reads:
> >LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR
> >Tacked on the door of a Moscow hotel room:
> >IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE U.S.S.R., YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
> >
> >An airline ticket office in Copenhagen reminds you:
> >WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
> >In a certain African hotel you may choose between:
> >A ROOM WITH A VIEW ON THE SEA OR THE BACKSIDE OF THE COUNTRY
> >A sign on a clothing store in Brussels read:
> >COME INSIDE AND HAVE A FIT
> >A hotel notice in Madrid informs:
> >IF YOU WISH DISINFECTION ENACTED IN YOUR PRESENCE, PLEASE CRY OUT FOR THE
> >CHAMBERMAID
> >
> >This notice was posted on a Rumanian hotel elevator:
> >THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAYS. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT
> >YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
> >
> >The room service in a Lisbon hotel tells you:
> >IF YOU WISH FOR BREAKFAST, LIFT THE TELEPHONE AND ASK FOR ROOMSERVICE. THIS
> >WILL BE ENOUGH FOR YOU TO BRING YOUR FOOD UP
> >
> >This sign was posted in a Scottish harbor:
> >FOR SALE BOAT SINGLE OWNER GREEN IN COLOUR
> >
> >A sign at Budapest's zoo requests:
> >PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD GIVE IT TO
> >THE GUARD ON DUTY.
> >
> >A Polish hotel informs prospective visitors in a flyer:
> >AS FOR THE TROUT SERVED YOU AT THE HOTEL MONOPOL, YOU WILL BE SINGING ITS
> >PRAISE TO YOUR GRANDCHILDREN AS YOU LIE ON YOUR DEATHBED.
> >
> >A Seville tailor makes clear how he will handle commissions:
> >ORDER NOW YOUR SUMMER SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN
> >STRICT ROTATION
> >A dentist's doorway in Istanbul proclaims:
> >AMERICAN DENTIST, 2TH FLOOR. TEETH EXTRACTED BY LATEST METHODISTS.
> >
> >The concierge in a Sorrento hotel lets guests know he's on the job:
> >CONTACT THE CONCIERGE IMMEDIATELY FOR INFORMATIONS. PLEASE DON'T WAIT LAST
> >MINUTES THEN IT WILL BE TOO LATE TO ARRANGE ANY INCONVENIENCES.
> >
> >Some German hospitals now display the sign:
> >NO CHILDREN ALLOWED IN THE MATERNITY WARDS.
> >
> >The sign at the concierge's desk in an Athen's hotel reads"
> >IF YOU CONSIDER OUR HELP IMPOLITE, YOU SHOULD SEE THE MANAGER
> >A sign in a Kowloon hotel warns:
> >IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS. PLEASE IF YOU ARE NOT PERSON TO DO SUCH
> >IS
> >PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTICE.
> >
> >Visitors in Czechoslovakia are invited by the tourist agency to:
> >TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS - WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
> >A Rome laundry suggests:
> >LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
> >
> >A London eaterie advertised for help this way:
> >WANTED : MAN TO WASH DISHES AND TWO WAITRESSES
> >
> >A notice in a Vienna hotel urges:
> >IN CASE OF FIRE DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HALL PORTER.
> >
> >

[bonyhadi]

On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and
civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the
middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking,
"What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If you're a United
Airlines Flight, it's 3 o'clock. If you're an Air Force flight, it's
1500.
If you're a Navy flight, it's 6 bells. If you're an Army flight, the
big
hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If you're a Marine Corps flight, it's Thursday afternoon.
and if you are Airforce One...tell President Bush...
....to call Dick Cheney for the right time.
==================================
Divorce laws can make you crazy. One state says you can't get a divorce

unless you can prove adultery.
That's weird. The Ten Commandments say you shouldn't, and the state
says you have to.
==============================
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a
nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and
ailing. The man and nun started talking and she asked about his life.

He talked about his wife and 13 children. "My, my," said the nun,
"13 children....you're a good, proper Catholic family. The Lord is
very proud of you!"

"I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!?" she replies. "Hmmm....you're a sex maniac, aren't you?"
==================================================
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her
husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to
storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear
how all this came about..."

I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking
tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the
roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had
discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your
birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were
perfectly good, but too small for you now.

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything
else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"
=============================================
It is tough being a man...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race, you''re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self-defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a
pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're
sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO !!!!!.
=========================================

[bonyhadi]

"Things You Do Not Want To Hear In Surgery..."

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor we're going to need a mop

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie..

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration
off.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make her leg twitch?!
===============================
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."
=======================================
It is tough being a man...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race, you''re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self-defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a
pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're
sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO !!!!!.
=========================================
"Things You Do Not Want To Hear In Surgery..."

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor we're going to need a mop

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie..

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration
off.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make her leg twitch?!
=================================
A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't
appreciate what I do for him." "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am
sure it was all just a misunderstanding." "No, mother," the young woman
laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the
price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "those turkey rolls
are only a few dollars." The girl continued, "No, mother it wasn't the
price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket." The mother
asked, "Airplane ticket? What in the world did you need an airplane
ticket for?"
"Well mom," she said, "when I went to fix it, I looked at the
directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I
flew to Alaska."
=====================
Never argue with a woman when she is tired...or rested.
================================================== ====================
Did you know the average male is 6 inches long, and the average
female is 8 inches deep?
So in New York City alone there is over 2 miles of unused *****!
================================================== ====================
Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him
and says, "Come on, Willie, we're going upstairs!"

Willie replies, "OK. That's one of my favorite things!"

As soon as they get upstairs, Ethel grabs Willie,
throws him down on the bed and jumps aboard.
Willie protests, "Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!"

Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie, I like it that way, and so do
you."

Willie replies, "You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my
favorite things. But if we do it that way any more I'll lose my job."

Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie? That doesn't make any sense!"

Willie explains, "The boss called me in the office today and told me,
'Willie, You screw up one more time, and you're fired!'"
========================

[bonyhadi]

What did the doctor say to the nervous patient who was about to have a
circumcision done?
"It won't be long now!"

Why do women wear red lipstick?
WARNING! Wrong hole!
========================
TRIVIA:

1. There was a report of a ten-year study written in a British
medical journal that showed that men, ages 45-59, who had sex less
than once a month had twice the death rate of those who had sex twice
weekly. Guess that's a good excuse for plenty of sex!

2. Statistics estimate that each day, over one million condoms are
purchased in the United States. Nearly half of them are being
purchased by women.

3. While twenty-five percent of males planned their first sexual
encounter, only seventeen percent of women do.
============================
"You know what life really is?
You're born, you suck your mother's tits. You get a little older, you
suck your girlfriend's tits. You get married, you suck your wife's
tits.
That's what life is. Life sucks."
==============================================
Why are American masturbators so patriotic?
When they yank their doodle, they feel dandy.

What do you get when you mix prune juice with holy water?
A religious movement!!!
=======================================
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he
has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest
shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I
swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does!"
===========================
Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.
Abstain from wine, women, and song. Mostly song.
Never argue with a woman when she is tired....... or rested.
It's better to be looked over than overlooked.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
not important.
Anal sex can have positive results.
Go up and you will find heaven. Go down and you'll get applause.
Take two at bedtime. If you only have one, take one.
Original Sin is hard to find, but the digitally enhanced version is
readily available.
Looking for ' true love' is like buying a book on how to read.
Don't discuss your hemorrhoids on your first date
=========================================
Benefits of sex!

Q: Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is
sexually active or not?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes
hair shine & skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering
dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the
pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that
romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and
tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than
swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins
into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you
with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called
pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva
to wash food from the teeth & lowers the level of the acid that causes
decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release
the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.


This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original
is in a room in Palaiseau. It has been sent around the world nine
times. Now sex has been sent to you.
The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this
message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't, then you will
never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will
eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off.
================================================== =
A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were
settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one
night, the landlady met the man in the hallway. She said, "I
have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I
wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?"

"I'll ask her," the young man responded. He opened his door and
called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist'
tonight?"

"Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with
that thing, I'm going home to mother."
=========================================
A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an
I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation". The nurse gives him a sealed
cup and directs him to a provate room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't
come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I
poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the
jar!"
=======================================
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he
asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "we take off all
our clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!"
So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.
As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read,
"Beware of Gays."
A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing
"Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a
bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it
said, "Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"
============================
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors,
and half the time they don't work.
===========================================
The Italian had never played golf before and so he asked for some tips
before starting the game. The American decided to teach the Italian the
properway to putt a golf ball.
The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they
roll into the hole." The American putted away and sank the ball from 20
feet in a single stroke. The Italian replied,
"In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in
dahole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our
balls out!"
===============================================
A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar. After sitting down,
ordering, and some chit chat the priest said,
"Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?" He then realized the
truth, "I think we're in a gay bar."
A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest
was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do. The rabbi
leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear.
The man nodded and walked off. The relieved priest said,
"Thanks. What did you tell him?" The rabbi replied,
"I just told him we're on our honeymoon."
=============================================
Truism of the day:

There are two kinds of sex - the kind you pay for and the kind you
get for free. The kind you pay for will always be cheaper than the
kind you get for free.
=========================

[bonyhadi]

Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.
"Hmmm... I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey
style?" replied his mate.
"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is
turkey style?"
"Gobble, gobble, gobble!"
========================

Six stages of married life:

1 ~ Tri-weekly

2 ~ Try weekly

3 ~ Try weakly

4 ~ Try oysters

5 ~ Try anything

6 ~ Try to remember
====================
A guy came home early and found his wife in bed with another man.
"What the hell are you doing?" shouted the irate husband.
"See," the wife said to the man lying beside her,

"Didn't I tell you he doesn't know a thing about sex?"
====================================
**** ~ The Word
http://www.****.addr.com/news/word/larry.html
=========================
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================================================

It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin.
I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it.
I was turning it on.
It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet.
Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.
.
.
.
.
.
Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes ...

===================================

Woman faces felony for having 17 dildos
Longview News-Journal | Submitted by: alahzad
Police in White Oak, Texas pulled over Kathy Grubbs for her erratic driving.
After she failed the breathalyzer (0.22%), the officers placed her under arrest
and began searching the pickup. Which is where they found the 17
"obscene materials and obscene devices" that were taken into evidence.
According to the chief of police, the confiscated items were primarily lotions and dildos.
Unfortunately for Grubbs, she now faces a felony charge (and two years in jail)
just for possessing the dildos. Why? Because it's illegal in Texas to
peddle sex toys, and if you have six or more you're assumed to be a pusher.
===========================















Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.
"Hmmm... I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey
style?" replied his mate.
"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is
turkey style?"
"Gobble, gobble, gobble!"
========================

[Hotfingrs]

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each

other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns
to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of
your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our
beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion
I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The
priest nodded in understanding and went on with his
reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the
priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your
church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much
a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever
fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I
was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent
for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the
hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

[Hotfingrs]

An elderly couple are vacationing in the west. BOB always wanted a Pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys Them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks in to their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"
Helen looks him over, "Nope."
BOB says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a look. Notice anything different about me?" Helen looks again, "Nope"

Frustrated, BOB storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked, except for his boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time,"Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Helen looks up and says, "BOB, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down tomorrow."

Furious, BOB yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, BOB. Shoulda bought a hat."

[CobraDan]

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.
Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."
Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.
"That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist.
"Holy ****, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replies the drunk

[Hotfingrs]

>A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just
> >going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.
> >"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."
> >"Who?" asked the man. "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did
> >everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along
> >when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that
> >to Bill every time."
> >"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few
> >clouds over everybody."
> >"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He
> >could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with
> >the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like
> >a Broadway star."
> >"Bill was really something, huh?"
> >"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a
> >trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about
> >wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not
> >like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood
> >blacks out."
> >"No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never
> >actually met Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world
> >do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow,"
> >replied the cabby.
> >
> >

[Hotfingrs]

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the
> >confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street
> >and asked him to cover for him.
> >The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him
> >to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what
> >to do.
> >The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few
> >minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
> >The priest asks, 'What did you do?'
> >The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'
> >The priest says, 'How many times?'
> >And the woman replies, 'Three.'
> >Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'
> >
> >A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father
> >forgive me for I have sinned.'
> >
> >'What did you do?'
> >
> >'I committed adultery.'
> >
> >'How many times?'
> >
> >'Three times.'
> >
> >The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no
> >more.'
> >
> >The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.
> >
> >A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for
> >I have sinned.'
> >
> >The rabbi says, 'What did you do?'
> >
> >The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.'
> >
> >The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?'
> >
> >The woman replies, 'Once.'
> >
> >The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week,
> >three for $5.'
> >
> >

[bonyhadi]

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy
says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other
guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his
glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting
conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the
cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're
qualified
to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know ****?"
===========================================
What do you call a Paki with a dot in the middle of his forehead?
A push start!
===========================================
The Seven Ages of Man Are:
spills
drills
thrills
bills
ills
pills
& wills.
===========================================
One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother and
announced that she had learned where babies come from at school
that day. Amused, her mother replied "Really, sweetie? Why don't you
tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off
all of their clothes and the Daddy's thing sort of stands up,
and the Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes,
and that's where babies come from."

Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her daughter eye to eye
and said in a confidential tone, "Oh, honey, that's sweet,
but that's not where babies come from...

That's where jewelry comes from."
===============================
EXCERCISES TO PREPARE FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE

1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you with
his applicator.

2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage
Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your
throat.

3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and
lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your
nose.

4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile
and repeating: "mild discomfort."

5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM,
at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a
Craftsman
(squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.

6. Remove all actual food from the house.

7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and
onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.

8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.
===================================
A 24-year-old supermarket
shoplifter stuffed five lobsters in his pants and sprinted for the door,
but he never had a chance. The violated crustaceans brought the thief to
his knees in front of startled cashiers when they fastened their
powerful claws around his delicate parts.

Doctors were able to remove the animals with pliers. They say the thief
will fully recover -- except for one small detail. "It was a
do-it-yourself vasectomy." This man's daring supermarket exploits make
him one of the few Darwin Award winners to live to tell the tale. The
supermarket manager declined to press charges, saying the culprit has
already "gone through enough pain (to) learn his lesson."
========================================
A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day
after the friend's wife has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no
answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right.

Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room
having sex with the maid.

"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!"

His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what
I'm doing?"
==============================================
World's Shortest Books


20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the World's Number One Shortest book...
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton & Jesse Jackson
********************************************
A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained
the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of
information:

Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the
first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be
quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!

So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes
later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure
she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone.

When he got close enough to see his wife she was arguing with another
man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting waving his
hands in the air: "Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if
I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?"
===============================
"What did Father say when he learned you're pregnant?" asked Little
Mary's mother.

Little Mary answered, "Should I leave out the profanity?"

"Yes, of course!" Mary's mom replied.

"Nothing."
=====================================

[bonyhadi]

********************************************
The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the
assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting
to Manny about his sexual endurance.

"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly.

"How'd you do it?"

"It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and
then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I
made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put
it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like
a bull, I'll tell you."

"I gotta try it," said Manny.

So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love
to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third
time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a
million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he
found his boss waiting outside for him.

"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years
and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes
against me now, are you?"

"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the hell were you on
Tuesday and Wednesday?
********************************************
Top 10 Signs That Your Son Has Out Grown Breast Feeding

10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
===================================
Men are like..Laxatives: They irritate the **** out of you.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Bananas: The older they get, the less firm they
are.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Vacations: They never seem to be long enough.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Weather: Nothing can be done to change them.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Blenders: You need one, but you're not sure
quite why.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Coffee: The best ones are rich, warm and can
keep you up all night long.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Commercials: You can't believe a word they say.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Government bonds: They take sooooooo long to
mature.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Horoscopes: They always tell you what to do and
are usually wrong.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Mascara: They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Popcorn: They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Snowstorms: You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Lava Lamps: Fun to look at, but not very bright.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Parking spots: All the good ones are taken, the
rest are handicapped
================================================== ===
VIRUS ALERT
Paul Revere Virus - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack:
Once, if by LAN; twice if by C

Texas Virus - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Airline Luggage Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Star Trek Virus - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care Virus - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus - Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

Ollie North Virus - Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files

Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct Virus - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits on you.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Government Economist Virus - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says that everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important
part of your computer.

Adam and Eve Virus - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

PBS Virus - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Your programs can never be found again.

[CobraDan]

What makes 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is

Represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%


K N O W L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%


But,

A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%


And,

B U L L S H ! T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%


So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put you over the top.

And look how far ass kissing will take you.

A $$S K I S S I N G

1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%


NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT LIKE THAT BEFORE, HUH?

[CobraDan]

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?
I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.
"No I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy
women?"
"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80??"

[Hotfingrs]

>
> >It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny
> >stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home,
> >they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were
> >for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his older
> >brother explained. "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one
> >Sunday I don't go, He showed up!"
> >
> >~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
> >
> >One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's
> >sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He
> >pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
> >"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"
> >~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
> >
> >The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a
> >family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just
> >planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for
> >yourselves."
> >
> >~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
> >
> >Little Johnny asked his grandpa how old he was. Grandpa answered, "39 and
> >holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would
> >you be if you let go?"
> >
> >A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed
> >around the offering plates.When they came near his pew, the boy said
> >loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."
> >
> >~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
> >
> >During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying until
> >she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my
> >grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it
> >took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over
> >to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her
> >outburst. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied,
> >"but I was just checking to see if he was still alive."
> >~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
> >The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers
> >before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good
> >cook!"
> >~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
> >
> >"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother
> >on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been
> >promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she
> >asked. "I heard him tell Mommy," the little boy answered, "that he would
> >climb the walls if you came to visit."
> >

[Hotfingrs]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
--