Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce. "He
makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, Mr. Jones," says the farmer's wife, "this morning I was looking
at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!"

"Chickens? Mrs. Smith, I didn't know you kept chickens."

"We don't, Mr. Jones, we were at the supermarket!"












A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer
lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city
boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range
and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't
know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill
to the farmer.

"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!"
said the boy.

"Oh, ****!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"











A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative."

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."














A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready
to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the
husband,

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods." replies his wife

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah. Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you
went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get
done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service
and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that. "

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do
it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love
with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes
over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She says.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room
service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes
love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired
and beat.

He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No, I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole.










For all of you who are feeling a little older and missing those great
old tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favourites have
re-released their great hits! Now with new lyrics to accommodate
their aging audience,,,,some examples are as follows:

<> Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
<> The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
<> Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
<> Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"
<> The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"
<> Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
<> Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"
<> The Temptations--"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
<> Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
<> ABBA--"Denture Queen"
<> Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
<> Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
<> Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"
<> The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
<> Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune a-Rising"
<> Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
<> The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

.

[CobraDan]

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"

[CobraDan]

Hey, something to think about...???

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one
year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original
$1,000.00.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the
beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the
cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to
drink heavily and recycle.

[DAVID GAGNARD]

True Story;

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[bonyhadi]

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too
smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm
smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The
teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what he situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher
agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him
and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal,
"Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry
replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry:"Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" The principal's eyes open
really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking
charge.
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before
he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yep."
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do." Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first." Principal was looking restless and
bit tense. Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good." Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver." Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.




wo gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas
and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any
longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.

The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six
hours nonstop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the
cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT?", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't
written."








Dear Diary,

A friend of mine called me up to tell me he was going to pop
the question.

"To who?" I asked.

"Gina," he replied.

"Gina?" I mused trying to recall her. "Is she the one with the
big tits who makes all that money?"

"Yeah."

"Don't do it," I said quickly. "She'll be the end of you!"

"Whaddya mean, TZ?" he was confused. "She makes a ton of cash,
more than I do, she's a looker with a great rack and she wants
to marry ME! I just don't think it gets any better."

"Look, George, money is great. Big tits are great, too. Trouble
comes when you combine the two in one wife. That's lethal."

Knowingly,

TZ

P.S. When we ran the plea for you to buy my book the other day,
we neglected to tell you you could order it and send us a check
later. So click this link and order now. You can send us the money
after you've read it. I know you're good for it.
http://laffaday.com/laff1.html <a href="http://laffaday.com/laff1.html">Laffaday Book</a>








------------------------------------------------------------
My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to
him about sex. To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski
trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape.

"Do you know about girls and babies?" I asked.

He nodded but cut me off.

The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to
have him look away in silence. On the third lift, already knowing
I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to
talk about sex?"

"Damn, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"

[bonyhadi]

FIRST COOKING EXPERIENCE

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find
his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the
matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has
happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you,
and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang.

When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again,
"I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll
get a new cat in the morning..."






Sex Study Results Published ....

It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual
position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
In the beginning, G-d created earth and rested.

Then G-d created man and rested.

Then G-d created woman.

Since then, neither G-d nor man has rested.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woman's Favorite Men

The Physician says "Take your clothes off."
The Dentist says "Open Wide"
The Interior Decorator says "I got it up now how do you like it?"
The Milkman says "You want it in the front or the rear?"
The Banker says "Don't pull it out you'll lose interest."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've learned- that it's not what you have in your life that counts,
but how much you have in your bank accounts.

I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are
more ****ed up than you think.

I've learned- that money is a great substitute for character.

I've learned- To say "**** them if they can't take a joke" !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UP or DOWN

[Jamo]

Subject: Politically Correct

> >How To Speak About Women And Be Politically Correct: (new 2002 version)

> >1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

> > 2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

> > 3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

> > 4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

> > 5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

> > 6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

> > 7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

> > 8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

> > 9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

> > 10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

> > 11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

> > 12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

> > >================================================= =========

> > How To Speak About Men And Be Politically Correct:

> > 1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

> > 2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

> > 3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

> > >4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

> > 5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

> >>6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

> >7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

> >8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

> > 9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

> > 10. He is not HORNY - he is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

[bonyhadi]

---------------------------------------------------------------------~->

An Alexander County deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of
the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was
speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he
was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver
would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn't give him a ticket. The
driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and
didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some flares
in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler
stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed
them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad
car. A drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, then went over to
the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him
doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the
drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, theres no way in
hell I can pass that test."











The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and
his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened
the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the
drive across town.

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me
became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering
him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man,"
he said, "but I think it's too late!"








A priest is hearing confession at his church in County Cork

"Forgive me father" says the penitent, "for I have sinned. I am a single man
and I have had sexfour times in the last week with Fanny Green"

He is blessed by the priest who tells him to say five Hail Marys and go in
peace.

The next penitent arrives. "Forgive me Father" he prays, "I have sinned. It has
been a month since my last confession and in that time I have had sex twenty
times with Fanny Green"

The priest tells him to say five Our Fathers and ten Hail Marys and go in peace

But the next parishioner comes to confess

"Forgive me Father, I am a married man. It has been two months since my last
confession and in thattime I have had sex every day with Fanny Green"

The priest by this time is very much perturbed but blesses the man and sends
him on his way. However he cannot but wonder about Fanny Green. It is, after
all, only a small parish in which the priest knows every soul. But he has
never, before today, heard of this Fanny Green.

Nonetheless, it's time for mass and the priest heads off to lead the service.

Just as he is about to offer the host, the doors of the chuch burst open, and a
statuesque vision of loveliness the likes of which he has never seen, walk into
the church. She is dressed in green. Green shoes, green dress, green coat and a
green hat, topped off with a green feather.

This apparition confidently walks down the centre aisle to the front pew where
she takes a seat an fixes the priest with a seductive smile....all the time her
legs slightly just like that sinful hussy Sharon Stone....and he can
see...almost.....he thinks....her *****.

The priest is completely flustered and in the middle of mass too

He turns to the alter boy, wondering if this is the woman of whom he has heard
in confession.

"Tell me, lad" he asks, "is tat Fanny Green?"

"Noooooo Father, I tink 'tis just t' reflection from her shoes"

[CobraDan]

An Iraqi diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and
dined by the State Department.
The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American food (french fries,
cheese, etc.) and was constantly sending his man-servant, Abdul, to fetch
him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper into another room and return with
a glass of water. But finally he returned
empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?"
demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,
"but a man is sitting on the well."

[CobraDan]

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or
a death in your immediate family - but that's it. No other excuses
whatsoever."

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter
and snickering.

When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."

[bonyhadi]

Why do Men resemble Computers?
Because they have plenty of Ram, But not enough Memory
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy went to a drug store to buy condoms for the first time, and
was waited on by a beautiful, sexy young woman. "What size do you
want?"
"I'm not sure......" "How big are you?" she asked
"The guy blushed and said, "Compared to what?"
She held up one finger and asked "Are you this big?"
"No, I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up two fingers and asked "Are you this big?
"No, I'm bigger than that"
Then she held up three fingers and asked "Are you this big?
I said, "Yeah, I'm about that big."
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said,
"You're a medium, top shelf on your left!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The trick to successful dating is learning how to
interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway
gestures that can tell you so much about a person.

Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."

1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
- No foreplay.

2. Can't hail a cab.
- Impotent.

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
- Prefers virgins.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the
way.
- He is a virgin.

5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
- Will swallow.

6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
- Has trouble reaching orgasm.

7. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The
lady will have..."
- Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

8. Asks for "the usual"
- Insists on missionary position only.

9. Asks what the specials are.
- Will want you to use handcuffs.

10. Fills up on bread and crackers.
- Premature ejaculator.

11. Drinks decaf.
- Fakes orgasms.

12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
- Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

13. Credit card is refused.
- Low sperm count.

14. Under tips waiter.
- Small penis.

15. Uses toothpick.
- Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bumper Stickers - The Proverbs of Life

* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
* A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life
* A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The
Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House
* A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen... And This Kitchen Is
Delirious
* Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat OUT
* Housework Done Properly Can Kill You
* If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap.
* My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
* No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes
* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE ASTROLOGICAL LIGHT BULB CHANGER

How many members of each astrological sign does it take to change a
lightbulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just TRY to convince them that the
burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing
about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years
to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will
get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought,
make that two. Ummm,is that OK with you?

Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared with the
Enlightened
Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out
lightbulb?

Capricorn: I won't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.....

Pisces: Lightbulb? There's a lightbulb? What lightbulb?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




--

The people who make a difference in your life
are not the ones with the most credentials,
the most money,
or the most awards.
They are the ones who care.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

Mom's Laundry Rules


1. Pajamas - Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes after
only one wear. It is scientific fact that you do not get dirty while
sleep. Pajamas can be worn many times before they smell bad
enough to warrant being thrown in the dirty clothes. Exception:
You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw up on them
or something else that may be deemed disgusting, but only if they
stink.

2. Socks - Unroll your socks before putting them in the dirty
clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and drying them in their
original rolled up little balls. Special note: Unroll socks before
throwing them down the laundry chute. If you don't, the law of
physics causes them to bounce off the washer and land behind
the washer or drying, and Mom is getting too old to crawl back
there and fish them out.

3. Clothes Hung Up - Clean clothes can be easily removed from
the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the hanger and pulling towards
you. The clean item can now be removed from the hanger for
wearing. The wrong way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on
one corner of the garment. This causes the hanger to go flying
around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and becoming impossibly
entangled with the neighboring hangers. Special note: This makes
Mom want to choke children. So far, she has been able to refrain
from this action.

4. Dirty Clothes Rule - If you have made the decision to put
something in the dirty clothes, do not later decide that you, for
some reason, now need to retrieve it by digging through the
clothes baskets, leaving behind a mess that looks like a small
tornado whipped through the laundry room, leaving a scene of
devastation in its wake. Special note: The only thing
worse than having to put stinking clothes in the laundry baskets is
having to do it over and over and over.

5. Pockets - Check your own pockets before you put dirty items
(again, make sure they are dirty first) in the laundry room. Have
you ever tried to pick tiny pieces of white paper off an entire load
of dark clothes? No? I thought not! But the next time this occurs,
you will have the pleasure of this experience. Special note: In the
future, all money found in pockets becomes the property of the
laundry-doer, and that most assuredly will be Mom, who hopes
to be able to save up for a Caribbean cruise, which she will
go on alone. She has heard that you don't have to do laundry while
you are on a cruise!

6. Folded Clothes Rule - When those clean clothes miraculously
appear on your bed or chair, graciously thank the saintly person
who lovingly placed them there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special
note: Failure to do this in the future will result in a generous
contribution to the Goodwill.

7. General Dirty Clothes Rule - If they aren't dirty, why the heck
are they in the laundry room? Put them back in your closet or drawers.
When you decide to try something on and decide that it will not make
the fashion statement you were looking for that particular day, think
twice before you make that conscious decision that it is easier to
throw
the item in the dirty clothes rather than hanging it back up. Again,
the
Goodwill would love to have these items, as their fashion standards
must not be as high as yours.

8. Laundry Sharing - In the future, each of you will be required to
do one load of laundry a week. Instructions will be provided. Mom
feels that the joy of this household chore should be shared, and she
has been very selfish about this in the past. She also feels that this
is a necessary life skill, and without it, you may not ever want to
leave
home. This would not be in the best interest of your parents.

Note - Rules may be added or modified at any time by Mom.

I, (sign your name) ____________________________________
agree to abide by the above rules, as I actually have no choice in
the matter and do not wish to further anger my mother.
Date:______________














The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards, EXCEPT the
individuals don't kill themselves.

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to
81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs,
groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.
This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most
frivolous lawsuit in the U.S.

The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on
the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right
attorney you could win anything!

1. January 2000:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little b*stard was
Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998:

A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses
when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when
he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

3. October 1998:

A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.
He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr.
Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on
a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the
homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental
anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. October 1999:

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's
beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard. The
award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been
just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it
repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000:

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her
boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997:

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night
club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the
floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton
was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

And the winner is........

Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Mr. Grazinski
purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip
home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and
calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of
coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and
overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the
handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus
a new Winnie.

(Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court
case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their
vehicles.)






SOTALLY TOBER

Starkle starkle little twink

who the hell you are I think

I'm not under what you call

the alcofluence of incohol

I'm just a little slort of sheep

I'm not drunk like tinkle peep

I don't know who is me yet

but the drunker I stand here

the longer I get

Just give me one more drink

to fill me cup

'cuz I got all day sober

to Sunday up.

:-)

[bonyhadi]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know the honeymoon is over when you start going out with the
boys on Wednesday nights... and so does your wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Lady Golfer

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m.
on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they
were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near
the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?"

They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it, and they
would see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be
there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a
7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse
congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The
guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be
here at 6:30
or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played
left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week.
By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the
group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How
do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the
covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his 'you-know-what' is
pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I
golf
left-handed." One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She
said,
"That's when I get here at 6:45".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the
register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he
asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the
register.

She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't
know.

She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the
counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One
box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of
us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told
the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if
she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She
asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel,
picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms,
Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen
was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with
a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to
the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him
to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave
him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said....

"Cleanup, register 5."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LAWYERS
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

It was so cold last winter.
How cold was it?
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
Skeet

The Lawyer's Creed:
A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the worst part about seeing 5 lawyers in Cadillac go over a cliff?
A Cadillac seats six

Sadam Housain and a lawyer are buried neck deep in sand, who do you kick in
the teeth first??
Housain, Business before pleasure

Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

What's the difference between a female attorney and a pit bull?
Lipstick

What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A Doberman

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A tick drops off you when you die.

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when
plumbers
are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong sewer.

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
1) The vulture eventually lets go.
2) Vultures don't get Frequent Flyer Miles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught.
I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take
one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this
ability, we try to burn it into our
memory by staring as much as we can.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CRAZY
A man on his way to work passed a house of crazy people, where there was a
high
wall so they would not get out. Every day as he walked by, he heard the crazy
people shout a number that they repeated over and over.

As the days went by, the man started to get curious. He kept hearing the
crazy people shout, "33, 33, 33."

So he decided to look through a little peephole in the wall, and one of the
crazy peopled poked his eyes with a stick and started to shout: "34, 34,
34..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a penis and a prick?

A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying...
A prick is the guy who owns it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PARADOX

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but
shorter
tempers,
Wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints;
We spend more, but have less; We buy more, but enjoy it less.
We have bigger houses, but smaller families;
More conveniences, but less time;
We have more degrees, but less sense;
More knowledge, but less judgement;
More experts, but more problems;
More medicine, but less wellness.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values;
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life;
We've added years to life, but not life to years.
We've been to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet
the new neighbour.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul;
We've split the atom, but hold onto our prejudice.
We have higher incomes, but lower morals;
We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.
These are the times of tall men and short character;
Steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;
More leisure, but less fun;
More kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce;
Of fancier houses, but broken homes.
It is the time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the
stockroom........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
VODKA
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in
the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned
and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you
want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally
the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss
vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out
of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks
like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste
and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes
running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard
and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant
but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The
two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two
glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The
result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun
comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife,
"Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife
gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks
him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"
Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from
the bottle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

[bonyhadi]

Lesbonics

01. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet
02. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.
03. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.
04. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
05. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have
10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.
06. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.
07. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.
08. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.
09. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
Fingerpaint.
10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.
11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month.
12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down
in Ricki Lake.
13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't
have balls.
14. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a lesbian
won't.
15. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.
16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator
and rolls her own tampons.
17. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish
market.
18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a
snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!










First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
Rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung over the shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas all made for man, just to make his heart sing.
Then God added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing.













Signs you might be a cop (right Crilly?)
1. You have the bladder capacity of three people.
2. You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm.
3. Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
4. You've asked Santa for an automatic weapon.
5. You request a criminal history on anyone who seems friendly towards you.
6. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal.
7. You own Kevlar underwear.
8. You find humor in other's stupidity.
9. You believe in Areal spraying of PROZAC.
10. You buy black leather for reasons other than home entertainment.
11. You know "GOING POSTAL" doesn't mean mailing a letter.
12. You believe that "ugly in public" should be grounds for arrest.
13. You believe that some people should have to get a permit to reproduce.
14. You fear the outcome if someone comments, "Boy it sure is quiet."
15. You believe that coffee and donuts are two of the four food groups.
16. You own at least five pairs of mirrored glasses.
17. You've ever wanted to fence off part of your city and turn it into a
prison.
18. You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict.
19. You have ever had to put the caller on hold before you started laughing.
20. You wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide, get it right the first
time."
21. You have ever heard a Sergeant say, "Who's in charge of this mess,
anyway."
22. You paid more for your sidearm than you did for your car.
23. It occurs to you that you are policing "The Twilight Zone."
24. You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
25. You refer to your work as "collecting garbage."
26. You think of politicians, lawyers and disease causing bacteria as the
same lifeform.
27. You think that if you weren't meant to drive fast, they wouldn't have
given you a car with lights and sirens.
28. You believe it's not a good death unless it courses overtime.
29. You haven't seen it all - just all the sick parts.
30. You have trouble differentiating between counsel and client.
31. You believe that everyone's IQ drops by 50% when they get behind the
wheel of a car.
32. You know that Miranda wasn't a dancer.
33. You don't see daylight from November to May.
34. People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room, because they
think it's funny and original.
35. You believe strongly in involuntary sterilization.
36. You believe in a "public stupidity" law, for those cases where nothing
else fits.
37. You are beginning to like the smell of pepper spray in the evening air.
38. Happy Trails till we meet again...................;p

[CobraDan]

A blonde's car breaks down on Interstate 5 one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk
to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming
traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their
nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in the history of
this Interstate occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of
the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going
on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well,
what are these perverts doing here by the road?"
asks the cop.


And she said...






"Those are my emergency flashers!"

[CobraDan]

A Jewish father, Moisha, was paid a visit by his eldest son Yitzak...
"Father, I am going to marry!"
His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila...
"Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?"
"O'Brien," replies the son... "She's Catholic..."
"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"
"I'm very, very happy," says the son..
OK...as long as you're happy ... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha.

But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.
Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening. "Father... I too will be married soon!"
Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises...
"What is her name?," implores the father.
"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."
"Oy," says Moisha. "But are you happy?"
"I'm happy, Father."
"OK ... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha.

Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray.
"Please God... let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE," he cries out.
The next week, Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims,
"Father!!, I am to wed in the spring!"
"HER NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?", his father immediately demands.
"Goldberg!", says Chutzpah! Moisha is beside himself with joy!
"Praise God! Praise the Prophets!"
Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?"
"No," says Chutzpah.
"Hmmm," says Moisha... "Must be attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Beverly Hills?"
"Ah... no, Father," says Chutzpah...
"What is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful son?"
"Whoopi

[CobraDan]

Dennis Miller said recently, regarding the judges who declared the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:
"So, Your Honour, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says 'Under God'. Guess that means when you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible, and at the end of your oath repeated, 'So Help Me God' that makes your job unconstitutional, therefore you have no job, which means your ruling doesn't mean ****."

[CobraDan]

Two guys in a car drive right through a red light.
"Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger.
"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver.
They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light.
"You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger.
"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver.
Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop.
"Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger.
The driver turned and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"

[bonyhadi]

Two whales swimming around in the ocean come upon a ship that is
hauling potatoes. The first whale swims underneath it, tips it
over and eats everything, ship and all.

A little while later, they come up to another ship hauling
potatoes. The whale capsizes that one, too, and eats everything
onboard.

The third ship they spot is also hauling potatoes, and the whale
upends it and eats everything.

"Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and
eating everything on board?" the other whale asks.

"I wish I hadn't done it," the first whale says, "but I just
can't help myself once I start. You know how it is--you can't eat
just one potato ship."







Why are American masturbators so patriotic?
When they yank their doodle, they feel dandy

---------------------------

What do you get when you mix Viagra with Rogaine?
Don King.

---------------------------

What do you get when you mix prune juice with holy water?
A religious movement!!!










Doctor: "Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just
before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water."

Man: "Exactly what's my problem, doc?"

Doctor: "You're not drinking enough water."

[bonyhadi]

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry
answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher
agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought
a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells
her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The
teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree. Teacher: "What does a
cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do
sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of
questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down
to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when
you're bored. The best man always has me first."
(Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I
drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come
with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions
wrong myself."