Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT!!!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup
of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an
atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home......maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by
ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)







The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about
twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually
take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he said,
"Okay, you can ask for something but it has to be for someone other than
yourself. What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother," said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled
Santa. "What do you want me to bring her?"

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"











Here's the latest plan out of Washington to
eliminate al Qaeda:

Send a unit of Texas Special Forces into
Afghanistan.
The team shall consist of Billy Bob, Bubba,
Dewayne, Jimmy, and Earl.

The team will only be given the following
instructions:

1. The limit is 3.
2. The season ended last weekend.
3. They taste like pork.
4. They don't like beer, women, pickup trucks, or
country music.
5. Some are queer.
6. You can only shoot from sunrise to sunset.

This shouldn't take long.




This one is about Flying Freddie:_
Only A True Southerner Knows

Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them but "PITCH"
them.

Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in, "Going to town, be back directly."

Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a
pretty little bowl on the middle of
the table.

All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot
fried chicken and a big bowl of cold
potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a
real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down
the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger", or
something that jumps out at you in the
dark and scares you senseless.

Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines", and when we're "in line", we
talk to everybody!

True Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."

True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are a perfectly wonderful breakfast menu; that redeye
gravy is also a breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' ... ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like
our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk"
means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,
"Bless her heart" and go your own
way!
ººººººººººººººººººººººººººº






> GOOD:
> > > > A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders but wasn't
> > getting
> > > > many. Then he discovered the problem: a 10-year-old boy was standing
>by
> > >the
> > > > road with a hand-painted sign which read, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The
> > officer
> > > > then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading
>"TIPS"
> > and
> > >a
> > > > bucket full of c hange. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
> > > >
> > > > BETTER:
> > > > A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
> > automated
> > > > radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the
> > police
> > > > department a picture of $40. The police responded with another
>mailed
> > >photo
> > > > of handcuffs.
> > > >
> > > > BEST:
> > > > A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle
>officer
> > > > walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
>"I
> > bet
> > > > you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
>He
> > > > replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of
> > >silence
> > > > while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then
>closed
> > his
> > > > book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was still laughing