Joke of the Day... - Page 56

CobraDan · #1 (**permalink**) 07-25-2002, 01:51 AM

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1 Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us *****ing about you
leaving it down.
1 Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1 Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1 Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1 Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short
hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women
always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1 Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1 Crying is black! mail.
1 Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1 We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.
Remind us frequently beforehand.
1 Most guys own three pairs of shoes/ tops. What makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?
1 Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1 Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we
do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1 A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1 Check your oil! Please.
1 Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1 If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera ! guys.
1 If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1 If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1 Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1 You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not
both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1 Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1 The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we
were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1 ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1 If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.!
1 We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1 If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1 If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1 When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1 Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as navel lint, muscle or monster trucks.
1 You have enough clothes.
1 You have too many shoes.
1 Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)
1 It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

bonyhadi · #2 (**permalink**) 07-25-2002, 05:26 AM

Remember those hits of yesteryear,,,,
Well folks, we are bringing out the same tunes that caused your hormones to surge in the
60's and 70's,,,,
======================

Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-
released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their
aging audience.
Some examples:
Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye-- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs--"Bald Thing"

Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations--"Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA--"Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends
_________________________________________________
The Cannibal Auditors
A very large private hospital hired a team of cannibal auditors to go over all of its
operations and procedures.

On the first day, the CEO called the team into a conference room for a little chat.

"In spite of your unusual culinary tastes, we have decided to use you based on your
outstanding record in these matters. However, we would like to see you confine your meals
to our cafeteria, which, I might add, serves excellent food."

The first week of the audit ran smoothly. However, on Monday of the second week, a nurse
was reported missing.

The CEO called a meeting with the cannibals and ask them if they knew anything about the
missing nurse. The cannibals all shook their heads.

After the CEO left the room, the leader of the cannibals demanded to know who ate the
nurse. One of the cannibals sheepishly raised his hand.

"You fool!" screamed the leader. "All week long we feasted on doctors, administrators and
members of the board, and no one noticed! Then you had to eat a nurse and ruin
everything!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking home with a hangover one Sunday morning, a man discovered he'd lost his hat. He
decided the easiest way to replace it was to go to church and steal one from the cloakroom.
Once inside,he heard a sermon on the Ten Commandments.
After the sermon, he said to the minister, "I want you to know that you saved me from
crime. I came here to steal a hat, but after hearing you, I decided not to."
"Wonderful," said the minister. "What did I say that changed your mind?"
"Well," said the man,"when you got to the part about committing adultery, I remembered
where I left my hat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DISCRETE AND PROUD OF IT

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows in your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12. You need to bring your tray table to the uprightand locked position.
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of"Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the
next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this can bring all of the family
together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him be
with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't
mention this aspect of his behavior.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per spoonful. It is
nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly,
men know this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is
extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him,
buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be
encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far
from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to
you is a relief for him. Just look at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to
his stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own
time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this,
and sell it. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
delicious meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much
as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area,
and make it up to him by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a
danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying
a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HEALTH ALERT
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

bonyhadi · #3 (**permalink**) 07-25-2002, 05:29 AM

Acting grown up

Three 7 year old girls were walking down the street
wearing their mothers' clothing; large hats, high
heels, and long dresses. They passed a bar and one
of the girls said, "Let's go in for a drink. "

They went in and crawled up to to the bar stools.
The bartender laughed and thought he would have some
fun. He went to the first little girl and said, "What
will you have young lady?"

The girl replied, "I'll Have a Martini."

The bartender could not give them any liquor so he
filled up a martini glass with 7-UP, placed an olive
in it and put it in front of her.

He said to the second girl, "What will you have today?"

She replied, "A Manhattan."

The bartender then filled a Manhattan glass with
Ginger-Ale, put in a cherry in it, and set it in
front of her.

Next he asked the third little girl, "What will you
have today?"

After a long pause she replied, "I'll have a douche.
Mother says they're so refreshing."

Actual Classified Ads In Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
---------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
-----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-----------------------------------
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
-------------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
--------------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
--------------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
-----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
-----------------------------------------
PARACHUTE FOR SALE NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
-------------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER
HOUR.
---------------------------------------------
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
-----------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER &; DRYER $300.
---------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
--------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE &; DONUTS
---------------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer
needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Cowboy Wisdom...

1.Never smack a man who's chewing tobacco.

2.Neve ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

3.If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop digging.

4.If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

5.Always drink upstream from the herd.

6.Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

7.If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

8.When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter, don't be surprised if it learns its lesson.

9.There are two theories about arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

10.Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it in.

What would you do ???

An old man and a young woman are stuck in an
elevator and the building is on fire.

The young woman asks: "Sir I am interested
what would you do if you thought you only
had twenty minutes to live?"

"Well, I think I would screw anything that
moved. Why what would you do?"

"Well, under the circumstances, I think I
would remain perfectly still."

"Yesterday is a cancelled check.
Tomorrow is a promisary note.
Today is cash....spend it wisely."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake
up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the
phone did not ring until well after 6:30.

"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is
your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the clod have it. "Listen buddy, you
were supposed to call me at 6 a.m. sharp! What if I
had a big multimillion-dollar deal to close this morning,
and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Oh get over it, dude!" the desk clerk quickly replied,
"If you had a big multimillion-dollar deal to close, you
sure wouldn't be staying in this fleabag motel!"

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

A dog's life...

A nursery school teacher was taking a minivan
full of kids home one day when a fire truck
roared past.

Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian. The children began discussing the
dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They
use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

CobraDan · #4 (**permalink**) 07-25-2002, 06:19 AM

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to
go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and
then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The
girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist" The guy, surprised, says
"Yes ... how did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy ... you keep
washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they
were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist." The guy, now with a
boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist.. How did you figure that
out?" The girl says, "Easy ... I didn't feel a thing!"

CobraDan · #5 (**permalink**) 07-25-2002, 09:38 AM

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things
people actually said in court, word for word, Taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
______________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
______________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
______________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
_______________________________________
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
________________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident?
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
_____________________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
______________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, He
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
______________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
______________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_____________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
______________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_____________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
______________________________________________
Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your
wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself

bonyhadi · #6 (**permalink**) 07-25-2002, 02:36 PM

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital,
and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker. Removing
his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION
she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it,
she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded
to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and
promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.
"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it.
Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"
"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's
dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you." And so the
first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by
this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she
was astonished to feel the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to
flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"
"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."
================================================== ===========
How do deaf gynecologists work?
They read lips.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Rednecks went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex
when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said.
"If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the rednecks, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a
number.
"Two!" said the redneck.
"Sorry, it's three," said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked back to their car one redneck said to the other, "I
think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week.
================================================== ====
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man
notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up
you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am
marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on
her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be
getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde Moments!

Did you hear about the blonde who:

1)had more on her body than on her mind?
2)was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
3)took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
4)got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
5)was an M.D.: Mentally Deficient?
6)had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
7)thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
8)was told she was a silly puss, but insisted that she didn't have a
crazy cat?
9)after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
10)went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
11)brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
12)thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease?
13)thought that a sanitary belt was a shot from a clean whiskey glass?
14)thought that intercourse was a state highway?
================================================== ===========
CONFUCIUS SAY:

"Woman who springs on innerspring this spring, gets offspring next
spring."

"Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter."

"Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water."

"Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock."

"Man who buy drowned cat, must pay for stinking wet *****."

"Girl who is wallflower at party, may be dandelion in bed."

"Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants!"

"Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman complained to her Doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave
her a bottle of Viagra pills, telling her to put
them in her husband's drink and her husband would be recharged.
The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee
that evening. That night they made love. The next night she put two viagra's in his coffee
and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next night she said "What the hell!" and dumped
the whole bottle in his coffee.
Sometime later the Doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's son
answered the phone. When the Doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied,
"Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked in
the yard yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty."
================================================== ==

How Different Personalities Cope in the Men's Room

Excitable-Shorts half twisted around and ripped; obviously can't find the hole
Sociable-Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not Cross-eyed-Looks into next
urinal to see how the other guy is fixed
Timid-Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later
Indifferent-If all urinals are being used, pisses in sink
Clever-No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor Worried-Not sure of
where he has been lately, makes quick inspection
Frivolous-Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit other urinals
Absent Minded-Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants Chlidish-Pisses directly in
bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble
Tough-Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it
Patient-Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry, reads with other
hand
Efficient-Waits until he has to crap, then does both
Drunk-Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants Disgruntled-Stands for a while,
gives up, walks away Conceited-Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat
Desperate-Waits in long line with teeth floating; ultimately pisses in pants
Sneak-Farts silently while pissing; acts very innocent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Penis Study
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Penis
was bigger than the rest of it.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was
larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After
$250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give
the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks
and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from
flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
=============================================

bonyhadi · #7 (**permalink**) 07-25-2002, 02:37 PM

PARENT'S GLOSSARY OF KIDS KITCHEN TERMS
_______________ Ðð _______________

APPETIZING:
Anything advertised on TV.

BOIL:
The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic
"Yuck" before a food is even tasted.

CASSEROLE:
Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten
because they are mixed together.

CHAIR:
Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.

COOKIE (LAST ONE):
Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.

CRUST:
Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children
of China, India, Africa, or Europe (check one).

DESSERTS:
The reason for eating a meal.

EVAPORATE:
Magic trick performed by children when it comes
time to clear the table or wash dishes.

FAT:
Microscopic substance detected visually by children
on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.

FLOOR:
Place for all food not found on lap or chair.

FORK:
Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.

FRIED
FOODS: Gourmet cooking

FROZEN:
Condition of children's jaws when Spinach is served.

FRUIT:
A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.

GERMS:
The only thing kids will share freely.

KITCHEN:
The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.

LEFTOVERS:
Commonly described as "gross."

LIVER:
A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.

LOLLIPOP:
A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.

MACARONI:
Material for a collage.

MEASURING CUP:
A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.

METRIC:
A system of measurement that will be accepted only
after forty years wandering in the desert.

NAPKIN:
Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.

NATURAL FOOD:
Food eaten with unwashed hands.

NUTRITION:
Secret war waged by parents using direct commands,
camouflage, and constant guard duty.

PLATE:
A breakable Frisbee.

REFRIGERATOR:
A very expensive and inefficient room air
conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.

SALIVA:
A medium for blowing bubbles.

SODA POP:
Shake'N Spray.

TABLE:
A place for storing gum.

TABLE LEG:
Percussion instrument

THIRSTY:
How your child feels after you've said your final
"good night."

VEGETABLE:
A basic food known to satisfy kid's hunger --
but only by sight.

WATER:
The cola of underdeveloped countries.
_______________ Ðð _______________

bonyhadi · #8 (**permalink**) 07-25-2002, 02:45 PM

worried voice on the doctor's telephone declared, "Sid, a
mouse just ran up my wife's honeypot!"

"I'll be over in 10 minutes, Larry," The doctor replied.
"In the meantime, try waving a piece of cheese between
her legs."

When the doctor arrived at the house, the young son
showed him upstairs to the bedroom. There on the bed
lay a frantic woman, legs spread wide, while her husband waved
an open can of tuna back and forth.

"Larry, you idiot!" the doctor cried. "I said to use cheese!"

"Dammit, Sid," Larry yelled back, "I know that! But I've got
to get the cat out, first!"

bonyhadi · #9 (**permalink**) 07-25-2002, 09:46 PM

An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps
hitting on this woman who is
waiting for her date. The drunk
just won't take no for an answer.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with
you if you can name one thing a
man can do for me that my vibrator
can't!" the woman smirks.

The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment.
"Okay, let's see your vibrator buy
the next round of drinks!"

Rejected Motel 6 Slogans .......

Because you deserve better than the back seat of some car.

As seen on COPS.

If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.

Not just for one nighters anymore.

We left off the 9, but you know it's there.

You rented the room, now buy the video.

We'll leave the Lysol out for ya.

Official lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.

We put the Ho in Hotel.

"Hey, Joe," I called out, "come here, I have a true story for
you. I was on my way home sitting at a stop light, and next to
me was a guy and a girl on a Harley. She was wearing a tank-top
and shorts from under which lacey lingerie was peeking. He was
wearing jeans and a T-shirt. Her outfit was strange, but there
was nothing I hadn't seen before. What was really weird,
however, was what she was doing with her middle fingers. She
had them under his shirt and was rubbing his nipples."

"What?" he was incredulous.

Yeah, and she would periodically pull out her hands, lick the
tips of her fingers then shove them back in there and go back
to nipple rubbing. It was freaky. I didn't know whether to
throw up or laugh. They had no shame... Just sitting in rush
hour traffic doing the nipple rubbing thing."

Joe was silent for a moment. "What was he doing while she did
that?"

"Smiling."

Disrespectfully,

A lady who had been married for several years was growing
more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest
in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to
their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase
some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and
he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower,
freshened up, and donned he crotchless undies and a slinky
negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the
television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair
arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your
underwear."

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was,
'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three
years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.

My kids love surfing the Web, and they keep track of their
passwords by writing them on sticky notes.

One day I noticed their password was "BatmanSupermanRobinJoker".
And so I asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least
four characters."

A tourist driving through Arkansas passes a young boy
walking along wearing only one shoe.

The tourist stops his car and asks the boy, "Hey sonny,
did you lose a shoe?"

"Nope," the boy replies. "Found one."

CobraDan · #10 (**permalink**) 07-26-2002, 05:32 AM

This is what we have to look forward to.................

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that is red and has thorns.
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

bonyhadi · #11 (**permalink**) 07-26-2002, 06:10 AM

Four old duffers are pounding their balls around the links
when a sudden thunderstorm pops up. >>ZAP<< A bolt of
lightning kills all four in one stroke. Soon, they find
themselves at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter is all upset, papers flying in the air, "You guys
aren't supposed to be here yet. It's not your time! I'll
tell ya what...I can put you all back on Earth to finish out
your days, but you have to decide how. That is, everyone
down there already knows you're all dead, so I can't send
you back as who you were. Figure it out amongst yourselves
and I'll check back with you later."

Some time goes by and St. Peter returns, "Well, have you
decided how you want to go back?"

One of the golfers steps forward, "St. Peter, we've decided
that we all want to go back to earth as lesbians."

"LESBIANS!" St. Peter shouts, "why lesbians?"

"Well, sir, we all love to eat ***** and we wanna hit from
the red tees."

There was once was this guy who developed a bad case of flatulence. The
smell was quite embarrassing, but what was worse was the sound which was a
loud "HONDA!" He went to a number of doctor (of course) and none of them
could help him (as is always the case in these tales). Finally out of
desperation he went to an old Chinese doctor and explained his problem.

Without any examination the doctor said, "You have an abscessed tooth, have
it fixed and your problem will be solved." So he went to a dentist, and
sure, enough he did have an abscessed tooth, which he had repaired, and his
"HONDA" farts went away as well. So he went back to the Chinese doctor and
said, "What's the punch line?" -- or was it, "How did you know that I had an
abscessed tooth?"

"Because", said the Chinese doctor, "everybody know that ...

... abcess make the fart go HONDA!"

bonyhadi · #12 (**permalink**) 07-26-2002, 11:08 PM

Five men end up stranded on a tropical island. The only female
around is a gorilla on the other end of the island. After one
whole month the guys are all sitting around and Garry stands up
and says, "I'm so horny, I can't take it anymore!" So he grabs a
bag and storms off to the other side of the island with his pals
right behind him.

They catch the gorilla, each guy grabs an arm or leg and Garry
puts the bag over the gorilla's head. He climbs on top of the
gorilla and begins to do the nasty.

The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free
and she wraps it around Garry's back. Then she gets both feet
free and wraps them around Garry's waist. She gets her other arm
free and grabs on to his hips and starts pulling him in harder
and harder.

Garry yells to his buddies...."Get it off!! Get it off!!

They said, "You're the one on top, we can't get her off of you."

"The bag, the bag dammit... I want to kiss the *****!"

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake
his wife
and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it
and that
it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and
he
was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare
parts
and a malicious thought came to her.She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling
back the
bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound
of
frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears
in her
eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She
bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right.
All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of
God, some
Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

The Whorehouse Doors!

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing
there but an
empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."
He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading,
"Once a
night"
and "Over
4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night"
and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is:

"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

bonyhadi · #13 (**permalink**) 07-26-2002, 11:13 PM

List of Top 10 Caddy Comments:

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time.
It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

. . And the #1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

35 Facts you were perfectly happy not knowing
(Comments are my own).

1. Rubberbands last longer when refrigerated.
(cold rubbers, what a concept)

2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
(not including stealing it, see IRS)

4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
(worse when you masturbate?)

5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
(gets ya confused and takes ya anyways?, heh heh, wink wink, bite)

6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
(does this include the human chickens or was it human sheep?)

7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
(talk about toxic waste?)

8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."

9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament building is an American flag.
(it was in the US consitution original that if Canada wanted to join the
union, it could automatically without the normal concent of the people).

10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck
on 4:20. (fahrenhei 451, or is it to do with 420 a way to say
Pot/marijuana or hemp)?

11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver or purple.
(poirrage?)

12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
"mt".

13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln
Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
(big head? or just large ego)

14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
(aint that peachy)

15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
(explains his love of cigars, and booze)

16. Maine is the only US state whose name is just one syllable.
(atleast one dipthong though)

17. There are only four words in the English language which end
in "dous" - tremendous, horrendous, stupendous and hazardous.
(and that a good dous?)

18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la
Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(grin, explains alot)

21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10

23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

24. The Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A
Wonderful Life." (wasn't it a porn or R rated movie?)

25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
(so does most of their owners)

27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
(mute justice?)

31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a
radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Hot Chocolate? Atleast it was not his brain).

32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
(explains how is talks)

33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
(and we wonder why commericial breaks normally only last 5 minutes)

34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only
the left hand.
(explains all the stains in the bathroom?)

CobraDan · #14 (**permalink**) 07-27-2002, 08:00 AM

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die." She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

bonyhadi · #15 (**permalink**) 07-27-2002, 09:09 AM

FOR EVERYONE WHO LOVES THE RURAL MIDWEST

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians
cross states such as Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, Indiana, or
Missouri, those states Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help
outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following 19 item list will be
handed to each person as they enter the Midwestern States.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at
the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on
your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the
way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah we saw Bambi. We
got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped. . . by
our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off
at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for. . . bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot!

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will
shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the
airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can
order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet
tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a
million dollar combine that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may
even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks -- because they want to. So, you're a feminist!

14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's
available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70 and
80 go two ways--Interstate 35 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the
concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot. . . his
name is "Sir". . . no matter how old he is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No Mystery Here...
Everyone seems to be wondering why the Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:
No Beer
No booze.
No bars.
No television.
No Internet.
No Baseball
No Football
No Basketball
No Hockey
No Golf
Soccer only and all the time
No tailgate parties.
No tailgates on camels
No Hooters.
No Pork BBQ.
No hot dogs.
No Burgers
No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks. Ever try to fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Eating only with your right hand cause you wipe only with your left. (Like life isn't
complicated enough already).
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
No music.
No radio.
You can't shave.
Your wife can't shave
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
No mystery here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An obituary....

We mourn the passing of an old friend, Common Sense. Common Sense lived a long life but
died in the United States from heart failure on the brink of the new millennium. No one
really knows how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape.
He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories helping
folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws,
and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating
such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the
worm, and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn),
reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come
in second.
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological
Revolution, Common Sense survived trends including body piercing, whole language, and
"new math." But his health declined when he became infected with the
"If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus.

In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well
intentioned but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became ruled
by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly
implemented zero-tolerance policies.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a
teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin
to a student but could not inform the parent when a female student was pregnant or wanted
an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband,
churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and
federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports.
Finally, when a woman, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, was
awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.
As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of
developments regarding questionable regulations such as those for low flow toilets, rocking
chairs, and stepladders.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife,
Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two
stepbrothers: My Rights, and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Obituary author unknown.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New HR Policies
Dear Employees:
Here is our new policies. Try to follow it.
Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your
organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something
removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the
funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the
work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Your Own Death: This will be accepted as an approved excuse. However, we do require at
least 2 weeks advance notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.
Rest Room Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. Therefore, in the
future all employees will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance,
those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin
with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be
necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies,
employees may swap their time with another coworker. However, both employee
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3
minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment
experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or
input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Thank you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jamo · #16 (**permalink**) 07-27-2002, 02:05 PM

Subject: Dear Abby

>
>Dear Abby admitted she was at a total loss to answer these.
>
>
>Dear Abby,
>A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged
>gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-20's. These two
>women go everywhere together, and I've never see a man go into their
>apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
>
>
>
>Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and
>violence on my VCR?
>
>
>Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not
>even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
>
>
>Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on
>the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my
>boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to
>discuss money with him.
>
>
>Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when
>I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
>never happen again. Should I believe him?
>
>
>Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who
>was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
>
>
>Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do
>I get out?
>
>
>Dear Abby, My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour
>every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
>
>
>Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a
>little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, but he
>finally did it.
>
>
>Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is
>going through her mental pause?
>
>
>Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
>sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex
>years ago and he IS a doctor. What now?

bonyhadi · #17 (**permalink**) 07-27-2002, 10:19 PM

The Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's
house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see
her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music
was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He
can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a
romantic CD and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw
her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said.

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the
>Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian
>accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the
>end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.
>Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay
>her $200 for the deed. Jill is traveling the world and because she
>is short of funds she agrees.
>The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty
>of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him
>again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it
>was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.. This goes on for 5
>nights.
>On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar, but this night he
>orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is
>disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more
>attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he
>is from and he tells her Melbourne.
>"So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne."
>"Glen Iris" he says.
>"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"
>"Cameo street" he says."
>"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"
>He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.
>"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22
>and my parents still live there!"
>"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give you!"
>
>He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!
>

A blonde, tired of being made fun of and
determined to end it all,
grabs a rope and heads out to the park, where
there are lots of trees.

A couple of hours later a man is walking by and
sees the blonde,
hanging from a tree by the waist.

"Can I help you with something, miss?" asks the
man.

"No thanks. I've just had it with the world and
with everyone making
fun of me, so I'm hanging myself." replies the
blonde.

"Well, you've got to put the rope around your
neck if you want to do
that," offers the man helpfully.

"Well, I tried that," says the blonde, "but I
couldn't breathe."

ATTENTION ALL EMPLOYEES:-

SICKDAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's sicknote as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able
to come into work.

SURGERY Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having
anything removed. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

HOLIDAYS Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are to be called Saturday and Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort
should be made to have
non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled for the late afternoon. We
will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work
is done.

ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty
to train your own
replacement.

TOILET USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in
alphabetical order. For instance:

All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to
8.40 and so on. If you are unable to
go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies
employees may swap their time with a
co-worker. Both workers supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.

In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper will retract, and the door will open.

LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30
minutes for lunch to maintain
their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet
pill.

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing fancy trainers or
clothing we will assume that you are
doing well financially and therefore do not need a payrise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions,
comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be
directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day

The Management

bonyhadi · #18 (**permalink**) 07-27-2002, 10:25 PM

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT!!!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup
of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an
atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home......maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by
ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about
twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually
take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he said,
"Okay, you can ask for something but it has to be for someone other than
yourself. What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother," said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled
Santa. "What do you want me to bring her?"

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

Here's the latest plan out of Washington to
eliminate al Qaeda:

Send a unit of Texas Special Forces into
Afghanistan.
The team shall consist of Billy Bob, Bubba,
Dewayne, Jimmy, and Earl.

The team will only be given the following
instructions:

1. The limit is 3.
2. The season ended last weekend.
3. They taste like pork.
4. They don't like beer, women, pickup trucks, or
country music.
5. Some are queer.
6. You can only shoot from sunrise to sunset.

This shouldn't take long.

This one is about Flying Freddie:_
Only A True Southerner Knows

Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them but "PITCH"
them.

Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in, "Going to town, be back directly."

Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a
pretty little bowl on the middle of
the table.

All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot
fried chicken and a big bowl of cold
potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a
real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down
the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger", or
something that jumps out at you in the
dark and scares you senseless.

Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines", and when we're "in line", we
talk to everybody!

True Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."

True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are a perfectly wonderful breakfast menu; that redeye
gravy is also a breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' ... ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like
our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk"
means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,
"Bless her heart" and go your own
way!
ººººººººººººººººººººººººººº

> GOOD:
> > > > A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders but wasn't
> > getting
> > > > many. Then he discovered the problem: a 10-year-old boy was standing
>by
> > >the
> > > > road with a hand-painted sign which read, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The
> > officer
> > > > then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading
>"TIPS"
> > and
> > >a
> > > > bucket full of c hange. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
> > > >
> > > > BETTER:
> > > > A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
> > automated
> > > > radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the
> > police
> > > > department a picture of $40. The police responded with another
>mailed
> > >photo
> > > > of handcuffs.
> > > >
> > > > BEST:
> > > > A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle
>officer
> > > > walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
>"I
> > bet
> > > > you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
>He
> > > > replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of
> > >silence
> > > > while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then
>closed
> > his
> > > > book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was still laughing

bonyhadi · #19 (**permalink**) 07-27-2002, 10:51 PM

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Arthur's youthful happiness.

So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult
question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex
even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an
impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the
monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke
with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she
would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous
throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept
her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of
the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had
only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...

He had never run across such a repugnant creature He refused to force his
friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning
of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of
a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's
question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her
own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth
and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went.
The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and
anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous.

The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands,
belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for horrific night,
entered the bedroom.

What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before
him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied
that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the
time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she
would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament:

During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend , but at night,
in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having
by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many
intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own
choice.
(scroll down)

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, smart
or dumb, underneath it all, she's still a witch.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

STOCK MARKET EXPLAINED

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
Market keeps crashing.

Broker - Poorer than you were last year.

"Buy, Buy" - What you said to your money last year.

Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets
equally between themselves.

Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he
runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
Toilet.

Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in
ancient times before e-mail.

Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.

Cisco - Sidekick of Pancho.

Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240
per share.

Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that
bought Yahoo for $240 per share.

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a
nut house.

Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.

Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.

Everything Southern has its Yankee counterpart....

Here's how to tell which is which: The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes The South has 'mater samiches

The North has coffeehouses The South has Waffle Houses

The North has Mom The South has Mama

The North has switchblade knives The South has Lee Press-on Nails

The North has saving the whales The South has getting saved

The North has double last names The South has double first names

The North has sensational tabloids The South has neighbors

The North has the Mafia, The South has NASCAR

The North has Indy car races The South has Swamp Buggy races

The North has multiple branched family trees The South has family trees with trunks and no branches

The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal The South has grits

The North has green salads The South has collard greens and chitlins

The North has lobsters The South has crawdads

The North has flower gardens, bird baths, and flagpoles in front yards The South has cars on blocks, pink flamingos, and washtubs
in front yards.

Life Explained.

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the
farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the
other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks
past. I will give you a life span
of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty
year life span." Monkey said, "How
boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you
twenty years." Man said, "What? Only
twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten
monkey gave back. That makes
eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave
in the sun to support our family; for the
next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and
bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained

CobraDan · #20 (**permalink**) 07-28-2002, 08:42 AM

It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class, as the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written on the board. The chalkboard read "T T T 1A."

She looked at the children and said, " who wrote this?" Little Johnny raises his hand and says, " I did, teacher."
The teacher says, "Well, what does that mean, Johnny?" Johnny answers, "It means, To The Teacher 1 Apple," and gives the teacher an apple.
"Very good," says the teacher, "Thank You,"
The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom, and notices something written on the board. The chalkboard read "T T T 1O." She asked the children, "Who wrote this?"
Then little Bobby answers, "I did, teacher." The teacher says, "Well Bobby, what does that mean?"
Bobby says, "It means, To The Teacher 1 Orange," and gives the teacher an orange. "Very good, Bobby, thank you."
The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she noticed the board read, " F- U- C- K- I T".
The teacher, disappointed, said, "WHO WROTE THIS!!"
Then little Juanito, raises his hand and says, " I did, teacher".
The teacher says, " Well, what does this mean, Juanito?"
Juanito answers, " It means, From Us Chicano Kids 1 Tamale".