Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no
heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative,
has no brains.
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
==========================================
Lawyer One Liners
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
Good!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of ****?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Longer One...
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
===========================
Baby Boomers, The 1960s vs. the 2000s
Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair.
Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.
Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.
Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.
Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children/Grandchildren.
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.
Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.
Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.
Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.
Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.
Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.
Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.
Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system.
Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.
Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.
Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.
Then: "Whatever"
Now: "Depends"
===================================
Diploma (Give someone a diploma from Schmuck Universary)
http://www.schmucku.com/diploma.html
============================
AS YOU KNOW, THERE IS A CERTAIN GROUP, CASTE, OR RELIGION IN
INDIA WHERE THE WOMEN HAVE A RED SPOT ON THEIR FOREHEAD.
YOU HAVE PROBABLY WONDERED WHAT THIS IS FOR.
THE ANSWER IS VERY SIMPLE.
WHEN THEY GET MARRIED THEIR
HUSBAND GETS TO SCRATCH IT OFF TO SEE IF HE WON A
CONVENIENCE STORE, GAS STATION OR A MOTEL IN AMERICA!
===============================================
There were two gay guys living together.
One was more feminine and the other more masculine.
The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real
problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why
he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about it.
Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy,
and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth
was to smooth Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the
skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.
The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately
home and smothered his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and
jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked,
"What in the hell are you doing?"
The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment
from his partner.
Finally, his partner said,
"Don't you think if that was true that you would have a pony tail
coming out of your ass by now?"
==========================
Beer ~vs~ *****
A beer is always wet.
A ***** needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A ***** tastes better served hot.
Advantage: *****.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold ***** makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
***** does not.
Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming *****, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: *****
24 beers come in a box.
A ***** is a box you can come in.
Advantage: *****.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: *****.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like *****, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: *****
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much ***** and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a ***** in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: *****
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells ***** on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: *****
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.
***** can make you see G-d.
Beer can make you see the porcelain G-d.
Advantage: *****
If you think all day about the next ***** you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: *****
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of ***** is more fun.
Advantage: *****.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a ***** at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a *****, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best ***** you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: *****.
The worst ***** you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad *****: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good *****: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: *****.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: *****.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: *****.
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