Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

An older couple are playing in the annual golf club
championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and
the championship comes down to a 6-inch putt which
the wife has to make.

The woman is trembling as she takes her stance. Then,
she putts and... misses. They lose the match.

On the way home in the car, the woman's husband is
fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That
putt was no longer than my dick!"

The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies,
"Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

[CobraDan]

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a military hospital-door to endoscopy:
"To expedite your visit, please back in"

On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new
one at no charge, close the store and have the
manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet
- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary.
"We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry.
Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait "

At a propane filling station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak"

[ERA535]

Subject: Reverend Jackson!

Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley, on his way home from work at City Hall, came
to a dead halt in traffic on the Dan Ryan Expressway and thought to himself,
"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving at all."

He noticed a State Trooper walking back and forth between the lines of cars,
so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, I'm Mayor Richard M.
Daley, what's the problem; what's holding everything up."

The trooper replied, "It's the Reverend Jackson. He's so depressed about
the thought of everyone knowing about his extra-martial affair, his
illegitimate child, and his misappropriation of funds that he stopped his
car in the middle of the expressway and is threatening to douse himself with
gasoline and set himself on fire. He says the country and his congregation
are blaming him for his infidelity and doesn't know if he can live with the
shame and embarrassment.

The people in the halted cars along the expressway are taking up a
collection for him."

"Oh really," replied Mayor Daley. "How much have they collected for the
Reverend so far?"

"About 300 gallons," said the trooper, "but they are still siphoning." >>

[ERA535]

Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was
>making for dinner. "Hello?" said a little girl's voice.
>"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"
>
>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."
>After a brief pause, Bob said, "But you don't have an
>Uncle Frank, honey!"
>
>"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
>
>"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the
>phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout
>in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled
>up outside the house."
>
>"Okay, Daddy!"
>A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the
>phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
>
>"And what happened?"
>
>"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on
>and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the
>rug and went out the front window and now she's laying
>in the front yard."
>
>"Oh my god! And what about Uncle Frank?"
>
>"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was
>all scared and he jumped out the back window into the
>swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took
>out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom
>of the swimming pool."
>
>There was a long pause, then Bob
>said, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"

[CobraDan]

Two priests were talking. The older one said to the younger, "When you came to our church I wondered how your new ideas were going to work.
"When you replaced the front pews with bucket seats, I had my doubts. But now at every mass, the front seats are filled with young people.
"When you 'jazzed up' the choir by singing new and peppy songs, I was afraid it might offend the older folks, but we have more people in church now than ever.
"When you wanted to put in the drive-through confessional, I have to admit I thought you'd lost it. But more people are coming to confession than ever.
"However, the neon sign out front that reads:
'Toot 'n tell or go to Hell' has to go!

[Flyin_Freddie]

Dating vs Marriage .....

When you are dating ... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ...You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating ... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ...He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating ... A Single bed for 2 isn't all THAT bad.
When you are married ...A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating ... You are turned on at the sightt of him naked.
When you are married ...You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy??"

When you are dating ... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ...He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating ... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ...You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating ... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ...When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating ... He knows what the "hamper" is, and what it's used for.
When you are married ...The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating ... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ...He says "It's your job."

When you are dating ... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ...He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating ... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ...He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating ... He calls you by name.
When you are married ...He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She"

[CobraDan]

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior. "You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now."
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!

[Dave Samson]

A Kentucky Fried Chicken
in New York has a special
on what they are calling
the "Bucket of Hillary."

It has two small breasts,
two large thighs, and
a bunch of left wings.

[CobraDan]

Now I understand why radical Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit
suicide. Just look at their lifestyle:
* No premarital sex.
* No booze. None. Never.
* No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV.
* No Spice channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN.
* No Hooters!!.
* No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
* No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- NO sports!!!.
* Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs. No Victoria's Secret Stuff.
* Very, very, very few cars. Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.
And sand everywhere!
* More sand.
* Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.
* Sandstorms. More sand everywhere!
* Rags for clothes and hats.
* Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel dung chips
* Constant wailing from the guy next door ...............no, wait,.....that's music!
* And when you die it's supposed to all get better...... No wonder they volunteer!!

[CobraDan]

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the
offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped
up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin
asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know
that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like
the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to
his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's
okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy,
"I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun
to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash
against us."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know
what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep
crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him
the money now, will he let us go?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed
all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three
times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted
us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible
stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The
flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and
Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's
Pontius - the Pilot.

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to.
My Mom is a good cook."

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on
a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would
then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge
through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became
ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new
actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and
the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of
tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony
jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist
Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy
told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway
through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet,
Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon
all over again!' It worked."

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime
story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek,
then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she
paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God
made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she
observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

[M & M]

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their heads and women with their hearts. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed.

The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store...I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.

And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK to buy it.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw.

[CobraDan]

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady
recognizes him as a basketball player. They start
to talk, and eventually, go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his
shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says
REEBOK. "What's that?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I wear this so that when I'm on TV,
people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg,
he has a tattoo that says NIKE. "What's that?"
the lady questions again. "Just like the Reebok
tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS. "You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.
"No, no! Calm down," the man replies. "This will
say ADIDAS in a minute.

[Dave Samson]

Joe was very depressed, and he expalined to his friend that
"I just can't get over having three balls."

"Three Balls?!?!?!? Pal, we can make a FORTUNE together!!!"

"How?" Joe asked, as a smile returned to his face.

"We'll go to a bar and bet everyone that between you and the
bartender, you have five balls. We can miss!"

"Let's do it!" Joe said.

So they went to the nearest bar and ordered a few beers.
They quickly got friendly with the crowd. Then they offered
to bet $50 with each person that between Joe and the bartender,
they had five balls."

Nearly everyone rushed over to take the bet.

But the bartender was shaking his head.

"You don't mind being part of this bet, do you?" Joe asked.

"Not at all," said the bartender. "I'm very impressed!
Up until now, I've never met anyone with four balls.
I've only got one!"

[CobraDan]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on
top of their car which read: "TWO PROSTITUTES---$50.00
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES "
One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop
them?
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to
religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and
drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he
noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign
on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up
with them when he noticed the new sign read:
"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00

[CobraDan]

Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.
Interviewer: Name?
Tarzan: Me Tarzan
Interviewer: Married?
Tarzan: Wife Jane
Interviewer: Children?
Tarzan: Son boy
Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?
Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle
Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name
Tarzan: Jane's Hole named p*ssy

[Chad Johnson]

POLITICALLY CORRECT

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK --- She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY --- She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB --- She is A DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND --- She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY --- She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS --- She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU --- She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT --- She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS --- She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER --- She is A LOW-COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
13. She does not HAVE A MOUSTACHE --- She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
14. She is not a BAD COOK --- She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

OK, now the guys get it...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT--- He has A GRAIN BYPRODUCT STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER --- He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME --- He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not a SLAP HEAD --- He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER --- He SEEKS GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

[CobraDan]

IN GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the fillin' station bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Unless you are the groom, kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

[MilwDoug]

LITTLE GOLDEN BOOKS THAT NEVER MADE IT

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-
Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids'Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go To Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's It! I'm Putting You Up For Adoption!
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were An Accident

[CobraDan]

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the
chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish
rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that
was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village
he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
-- all the men stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen
a cock?" -- all the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen
a cock that doesn't belong to them." -- half the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen
my cock?" -- all the nuns stood up.

[ERA535]

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual. low-maintenance, down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky tastes, knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. If she’s interested, she’ll send you a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated, yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drinks: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with the frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed.
Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
Personality: No explanation required...everyone just knows what happens here.


THEN, there is the MALE addendum --- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut!
Drink: Domestic beer
Personality: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
Drink: Imported beer
Personality: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel) Personality: He’s hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Drink: Whiskey
Personality: He doesn’t give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Drink: Tequila
Personality: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: He’s gay!