Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy
says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other
guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his
glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting
conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the
cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're
qualified
to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know ****?"
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What do you call a Paki with a dot in the middle of his forehead?
A push start!
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The Seven Ages of Man Are:
spills
drills
thrills
bills
ills
pills
& wills.
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One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother and
announced that she had learned where babies come from at school
that day. Amused, her mother replied "Really, sweetie? Why don't you
tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off
all of their clothes and the Daddy's thing sort of stands up,
and the Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes,
and that's where babies come from."

Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her daughter eye to eye
and said in a confidential tone, "Oh, honey, that's sweet,
but that's not where babies come from...

That's where jewelry comes from."
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EXCERCISES TO PREPARE FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE

1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you with
his applicator.

2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage
Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your
throat.

3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and
lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your
nose.

4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile
and repeating: "mild discomfort."

5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM,
at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a
Craftsman
(squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.

6. Remove all actual food from the house.

7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and
onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.

8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.
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A 24-year-old supermarket
shoplifter stuffed five lobsters in his pants and sprinted for the door,
but he never had a chance. The violated crustaceans brought the thief to
his knees in front of startled cashiers when they fastened their
powerful claws around his delicate parts.

Doctors were able to remove the animals with pliers. They say the thief
will fully recover -- except for one small detail. "It was a
do-it-yourself vasectomy." This man's daring supermarket exploits make
him one of the few Darwin Award winners to live to tell the tale. The
supermarket manager declined to press charges, saying the culprit has
already "gone through enough pain (to) learn his lesson."
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A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day
after the friend's wife has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no
answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right.

Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room
having sex with the maid.

"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!"

His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what
I'm doing?"
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World's Shortest Books


20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the World's Number One Shortest book...
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton & Jesse Jackson
********************************************
A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained
the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of
information:

Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the
first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be
quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!

So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes
later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure
she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone.

When he got close enough to see his wife she was arguing with another
man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting waving his
hands in the air: "Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if
I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?"
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"What did Father say when he learned you're pregnant?" asked Little
Mary's mother.

Little Mary answered, "Should I leave out the profanity?"

"Yes, of course!" Mary's mom replied.

"Nothing."
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