Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[dave from mesa]

Amish farmer

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from
his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Diekuhen haben dahin
gesheissen."

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish.
Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man says: "Use two hands,.You'll get more."

[cobra de capell]

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird." IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

[cobra de capell]

Latest polling shows:


43 percent of all Americans say that illegal immigration is a serious problem.






The other 57 percent said, "No hablo inglés"

[cobra de capell]

Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the "King James" into " Jackson County" language,.... no joke, read on...
The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro , TN. )

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

[cobra de capell]

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.

Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!" ...
_______

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3 The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. You're not as nice as you used to be and you used to be a real witch
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

[Joe Wicked]

One of my all time favorites. This was originally posted on one of my Mustang boards but I think all who work on cars can relate.



15 things I have learned about working on cars at night...

I had to get back under the car tonight at 11:45, right after I got the engine put back in. somehow in the haste of zipping the pan back on before dinner, I let the left side of the gasket fall into the pan, so 4 bolts went from pan to block. i had a cherry picker from work, which HAS TO BE BACK tomorrow. I didn’t feel like pulling the motor again, so I opted to do the "drop the starter and the pan and reinstall it" method. Well, here's what I learned:

1. you WILL end up under the car, on your back, just getting positioned when you realize you grabbed the wrong extension. the other is about 5 feet from you. After you shimmy out and back in, you realize you need a deep socket and not the shallow one on the end of the correct extension... because you pulled the right socket off of the right extension.

2. When you are on your back under a greasy SVO, you WILL be covered with the nastiest smelling, most vile crap you can imagine. Every fluid they have leaks when the pan comes off for some reason.

3. You will find yourself needing the 13mm deep socket that you conveniently placed on your right side, while your right arm is holding the pan and a starter.

4. When you THINK you got a pan bolt started, it WILL fall out and bean you directly between the eyes.

5. Don’t turn your head: there is a puddle conveniently placed wherever you decide to. There’s 120 square feet of space under an SVO, and that 4" by 4" puddle is DIRECTLY where you need your head to be.

6. If you drop a bolt, it will end up directly in the center of the car, almost like God is throwing darts at a bulls-eye.

7. You will find new meanings to the word pain: a 20 pound starter falling from its perch and landing on your forearm is a good starting point.

8. The neighbor's dogs will bark every goddamned time they hear your cordless impact.

9. You will zip the pan down to find out the VERY LAST bolt fell out and now the hole isn't lined up. Drop the pan again and start over.

10. The pan gasket will not stay on the back of the crank. Drop it AGAIN.

11. Remember where that last bolt you dropped went? Good, because I don’t. Spend 5 minutes hunting for it to find it in the cuff of your pants.

12. No matter how you turn your head (and into the puddle, attempting to avoid blindness), the droplight will find a way to shine DIRECTLY into your eyes. PS - it never hangs up where you want, only where you DONT want it to.

13. you will open, shut, and lock the door to your truck FOUR times, because every time you walk back to the SVO you find ONE MORE motherf***ing tool.

14. The box you use to carry your droplights and work lights will break in half as soon as you get into the house. your brand new halogen lights will hit the floor and one will explode. Spend 15 minutes cleaning up glass.

15. in the shower, the entire f**king shower rack will FALL OFF the wall and land squarely on your already f**ked up foot. Spend 5 minutes cleaning the bathroom after throwing a 95 MPH fastball. errr... fastshampoobottle into the tile floor.

Realizing you should have just pulled the ****er out again? PRICELESS.

Its 2:25 am, i should have been in bed hours ago.

[cobra de capell]

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."..
_____

Q: What do you call an intelligent, attractive, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
_____

ADVICE TO WOMEN


If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section, buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you, buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says it's not quite as good as his mother made it, buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want, buy a dog.

If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors, buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn about football and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies, buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores, buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, big breasts or small, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to and loves you unconditionally and perpetually, buy a dog.

But on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around at night, only comes home to eat and sleep and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness... then, my friend... buy a cat. Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental.

[cobra de capell]

ONE OF THE BEST RESIGNATION LETTER EVER!

Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA , to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel.

After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen.

I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options.

You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others.

You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.

In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never mess with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day, Cecelia

[cobra de capell]

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

[cobra de capell]

SOLVE THE MYSTERY

Carefully, now! They are so blatant you will be kicking yourself if you miss the clue!!!

Question 1
A man was found murdered on Sunday morning.

His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:

The Wife said she was sleeping.
The cook was fixing breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.

The police instantly arrested the murderer.
Who did it and how did the police know?

Question 2
A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets. He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere. And no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other caped crusader.

How did he do this?

Question 3
Old Mr. Tidy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend.

Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police. "I was walking by Mr. Tidy's house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I
had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward."
The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Tidy.

How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

Question 4
If you touch me, you will die; but you can only live without me. I am a big part of your life, and will eventually be the only thing left. You will learn to embrace me finally and rest.
Who or what am I?

[Joe Wicked]

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

SOLVE THE MYSTERY

Carefully, now! They are so blatant you will be kicking yourself if you miss the clue!!!

Question 1
A man was found murdered on Sunday morning.

His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:

The Wife said she was sleeping.
The cook was fixing breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.

The police instantly arrested the murderer.
Who did it and how did the police know?

I got them all except this one. I think I know the answer, but I am not sure.

[cobra de capell]

Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His
broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with
numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing.
He had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive. He had
missed the 5100 bus that morning, when he noticed an elegant
piece of liveware inspecting the daisy wheels in his garden.
"She looks user-friendly," he thought. "I'll see if she'd
like an update tonight."

Mini was her name and she was delightfully engineered with
eyes like cobol and a prime mainframe architecture that set
Micro's peripherals networking all over the place.

He shifted over to her casually, admiring the power of her
twin 32-bit floating point processors, and inquired, "How
are you, Honeywell?"

"Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optic fibers
engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear
functions.

Micro thought about a recursive approach but settled for a
straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he
said. "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll
output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then dumped
the results. "I've been put on a queue myself recently and a
rendezvous is just what I need to activate my tasks. I'll
park my machine cycle and meet you inside." She walked off,
leaving Micro admiring the way her dynamic resources were
allocated and thinking, "Wow, what a cache! I wonder if she's
available for prime time maintenance."

They sat down at the process table to a platter of fiche and
chips and a basket of baudot. Mini was in conversational mode
and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave continuous
acknowledgments, although, in background, he was analyzing the
shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally
decided on the old 'Would you like to see some of my benchmark
programs', but Mini anticipated his flow.

Without a prompt, she was up and stripping off her parity bits
to reveal the full functionality of her operating system
software.

"Let's get BASIC, you RAM," she commanded. Micro was executing
firmware by this stage, but his hardware policing module had
an accelerated processor and was in danger of overflowing its
output buffer - a bug that Micro had been consulting his analyst
about. "Core dump!" he complained.

Micro auto-recovered, however, when Mini went down on DEC and
opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready. He
accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to
enter her kernal when she attempted an escape sequence.

"Abort!" she cried. "You're not shielded."

"Reset, baby," he said. "I've been debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop disabled and I can't support
child processes," she protested.

"Don't run away," he begged. "I'll generate an interrupt."

"No, that's too error prone - and I can't abort because of my
design philosophy."

Micro was in phase locked oscillations by this stage and
could not be terminated. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing
by inducing a voltage spike in his main supply, whereupon he
fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers!" she thought as she compiled herself. "All they
ever think about is hex!"

[cobra de capell]

Did you hear about the dislexic, agnostic insomniac?
He lays awake at night thinking is there really a dog....

[cobra de capell]

Have you ever wondered where the guy in the lane next to you was from?? Here is how you can tell...


DOES HE HAVE:

One hand on wheel,
One hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel,
One hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel,
One hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California*
*with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel,
One hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel,
One hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair,
One hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand a waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates.

[392cobra]

The Funeral Stone.

Sam died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Sarah . "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whisky, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

[392cobra]

The Maid.

No mail on Sunday.

[Joe Wicked]

Originally Posted by 392cobra

The Maid.

No mail on Sunday.

I was right on the maid, but wrong on why. I have never seen mail come while breakfast was still being fixed.

[cobra de capell]

Top Ten Country Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I
Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.

7. I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’.

6. Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared
She’d Win.

5. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still
Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It’s Hard To Kiss the Lips at Night That Chewed My
Ass Out All Day Long
_____

Sum grammur tiz for teh newbs:

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

[cobra de capell]

Don't Touch My Willie by Kevin Fowler
She showed up at my house at half past nine

In a low-cut dress with a bottle of wine

She said this will be a night you won't forget

She poured us some drinks to get us into the mood

I reached for the lights, she reached for my tunes

She pulled out that Red Headed Stranger, I stood up and said

Don't touch my Willie

I don't know you that well

Help yourself to some Haggard or some Jones

Hell, or anybody else

I don't know what you heard

I ain't that kind of guy

Yeah so don't touch my Willie,

We'll get a long just fine