Jokes

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Professional makeup - before and after...

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NEW Wine for Seniors, I kid you not.....

Clare Valley vintners in South Australia, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

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Male Logic

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
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HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS MOTHER

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent’s nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her
father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.

“Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ‘’Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.’’ A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ‘’Aren’t you going to return the other dress?

You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, ‘’Of course I do,dear.....I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.’’
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I know how lawyers' friends are always trying to get free legal advice from them and they hate that, so I try not to do the same.

The other night I asked a lawyer friend of mine if I could ask him a couple of questions if I paid him $50.

He said, "Sure! What's the second question?"
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Interesting Human Body Facts

- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.

- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).

- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

- Women blink twice as much as men.

- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!

- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?
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"At One" with your motorcycle....

STUNTER 13 - 1st PLACE XDL INDY USA 2012 FINAL RUN
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A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, 
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity 
read e-mails and/or posts with their hand on the mouse. 

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[Dominik]

*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?

No, the three times longer part ...