Jokes

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Donald's wife was missing and everyone including his brother-in-law accused him of murder. The case went to court. The body could not be found and the case was getting complicated.

There were several witnesses who were called to testify. Almost everyone spoke about the constant fights between the couple and the deadly threats that Donald had made.Seeing the case getting weaker & weaker for his client, Donald's lawyer, Simmons declared in the court, "I have an announcement to make. Please draw your attention to the door on the right. The woman who is presumed dead will walk in through that door."

There were whispers in the court and everybody looked towards the door.

After a couple of seconds, lawyer Simmons said again to the Jury, "To tell you the truth, no one will be walking in through the door.However, I observed that all of you turned your eyes towards the door, which proves that you are not completely convinced about my client's guilt."

Despite the stunt, the jury declared Donald guilty.

Lawyer Simmons tried one last time by saying, "How could you pronounce him guilty? You all turned towards the door, didn't you? I proved it to you, didn't I?"

An old guy replied, "There was one person who did not turn towards the door."

Lawyer Simmons asked, "And who is that?"

The old guy said, "Your client!"
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A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers,
"Thank you honey. What would you like me to bring back for you?"
The husband laughs and says,
"An English girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later, he picks her up in the airport and asks,
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for. The English girl."
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait 9 months to
see if it is a girl."
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There was a terrible mix-up at the hospital. A man who had been scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex-change operation. When told of the mistake, he was understandably distraught.
I'll never be able to experience an erection again," he wailed.
The surgeon tried to console him. "Of course you'll be able to experience an erection - it's just that it will have to be someone else's."
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A doctor addressing a large audience in Oxford:

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by germs in our drinking water. But,there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.Can anyone here tell me, what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?


After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

"Wedding Cake"
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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in
Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is
centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.

Not ever."


The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years......you will NEVER

go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!

I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he
left the agent's office.



FIVE YEARS LATER. The agent opens an envelope sent to his
office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...


Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood; you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You
told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office; I thought about what you said. I decided you were right.

I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the
enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke