Joke of the Day...

[concobra]

Yeah I know. And what is really bad is it's true. I hope you were not offended. But being the naturally demented individual I am. I could not resist. Sorry.

[Flyin_Freddie]

Ewwww...

[CobraEd]

An Irishman, a German, and a Chinese guy go to the coal mine to get a job. They see the forman and he says "OK, you three can start right away". He takes them into the coal mine where he tells the Irishman, "you dig the coal out of the sides of the tunnel and into the bucket". He tells the German, "you hold the bucket under where the Irishman is digging and catch the coal as he digs it out". He tells the Chinese guy, "we go thru a lot of shovels and buckets here, so you are in charge of supplies"

The forman leaves and comes back hours later. He see's the Irishman digging away. He see's the German catching all the coal. But the Chinese guy is nowhere to be found. The forman asks the two guys if they know where he is. They tell him that they have not seen the Chinese guy for hours. So all pissed off, the forman starts to leave the tunnel when he see's something move in the corner. As he goes over to see what it is, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind some rocks with his arms in the air and yells "SUPPLIES!!!".



. . . . . . I guess you had to be there.

Ed

[Flyin_Freddie]

...maybe I should change the name of this thread to the GOOD Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

When Santa runs out of prozac

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas.
Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a
career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send
you a book so you can learn to read
and write? I'm giving your older brother the
space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only
thing I ask for is Peace and Joy in the world for
everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you,
didn't they? Santa
************************************************** *****
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a
fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck
this year! Love, Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm
gonna torch your house. You'll have more
fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
************************************************** ******
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy + daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having
with the babysitter? He's banging her like a
screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get
you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
************************************************** *****
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my
friends have more Pokemon cards than I do.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my mind. Kids are forcing their
parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these
stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats
are even learning to play the game. Let me get
you something more your speed, like
"Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
************************************************** *****
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some
G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
************************************************** *****
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and
I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the sh!ts and carrots make the deer
fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-a$$?
Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some
Toblerone. Santa
************************************************** *****
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Las
Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing
cocktail waitresses a$$es, and losing all my cash
at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
************************************************** *****
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really
know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house.......... Santa
**************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year.
Please, please, please, PLEASE.

Timmy,
That whiney begging sh!t may work with your
folks, but that crap doesn't work up here.
You're getting a sweater again. Santa
************************************************** *****
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house,
how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

MARK,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why
you're getting your a$$ whipped at school.
Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent apartment complex you're living in.
Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the
burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams! Santa

[CobraEd]

A man goes to the doctor about his constipation. The doctor examines him and prescribes some suppositories. The doctor says "Take this prescription twice a day for a week and you should be OK". The man leaves but returns in about a week and a half. The man says to the doctor, "Doc I still have the constipation". The doctor somewhat surprised doubles the prescription and tells the man "OK, here is a renewal for you prescription, take these four times a day for the next week, and you should be fine". About a week and a half later the man is back again. "Doc, my constipation is worse than ever is there anything you can do"? Now the doctor is really surprised because these suppositories are known for really curing constipation. He tells the man "OK, here is another renewal for even more medicine, take these 6 times a day and I guarantee your constipation will be cured". Sure enough, a week and a half later the man is back still complaining, "Doc, my constipation is worse than ever". The doctor now quite amazed exclaims "Damn, those things are really supposed to work, what are you doing, eating them??!!" The man now completely annoyed replies sarcastically, "NO, . . . . I SHOVE THEM UP MY ASS!!!"

[Flyin_Freddie]

Dear Boys and Girls, and Parents, too:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moonpie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yeeeeee Haaaaw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters, and the other one is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put the presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and Cletus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."

Sincerely yours,
Santa

[CobraEd]

Two guys are driving around doing nothing, when one guy says to the other, "Hey, I almost forgot, I'm supposed to stop by my grandmothers to visit with her for a while. Do want to come with me?" The other guy says "sure, lets go".

So they get to the grandmothers house, and she invites them to come in and sit in the living room to visit. So the guys and the grandmother are sitting there talking, and the second guy notices a small bowl of peanuts on the coffe table. So while they are talking, he is eating the peanuts. After a while he finishes them all, and soon after they finish visiting, and they are getting ready to go. So as they are going out the door, they say goodbye to the grandmother, and the second guy tells her it was nice to meet her and says, "thank you for the peanuts". The grandmother says, "oh . . you're perfectly welcome young man. I'm glad you enjoyed them, . . Since I lost all my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them"




No??? . . . . . . . . Anyone?, . . . Buehler?

[CobraEd]

A tip from Bernie, while sitting at the airport.

Subject: How to impress a client

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting nearby enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me, but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business, and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Bernie" at me when I was with my client. He smiled conspiratorially and agreed.

Ten minutes later, while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hello Bernie, what's happening?"

To which I replied, "F__k off Gates, I'm in a meeting."

[Flyin_Freddie]

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. His doctor is completing the medical work up and finally asks the old man how he's feeling.

"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, Sir, that reminds me of a true story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun as he climbs out of his truck. He takes off and pretty soon he's walking in the woods near a stream bed when suddenly he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle and BAM! the beaver falls over dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "the man had an umbrella, not a gun. Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"Exactly my point" the doctor replied.

[CobraEd]

KEEPING LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE

At age 4 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 . . . success is . . . having friends

At age 16 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license.,

At age 20 . . . success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 . . . success is . . . having money.

At age 50 . . . success is . . . having money.

At age 60 . . . success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 . . . success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants

[CobraEd]

The Dreaded Pretzel Hold:


Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"So!" the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off did it?"

"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

[CobraEd]

Haircut

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."

"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thingy"...

Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

[CobraDan]

A new young MD doing his residency in o.b. was quite embarrased performing female exams and had unconsiously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrasement.
The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarassed him.
He snarled "just what is so funny madam?"
She replied, "I'm sorry doctor,but the song you were whistling was
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner'!"

[CobraDan]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma.
Next day the grandmother died.
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at The end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

[Chad Johnson]

Hersh,

l thought litle Johnny's sister could only "fascinate" because the blouse had ten buttons

[CobraDan]

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she
welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat
facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl
sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all
things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! When she returned with tea and
cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about
the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of
him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (Pointing
to the bowl).
"Oh, yes", she replied. "I was walking downtown last fall and I found this
little package on the ground. The directions said to
put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you
know...I haven't had a cold all winter."

[BT SNAKE]

A beautiful waitress worked in a very nice chinese
restuarant. The owner of the restuarant became fond of
her and they dated. After a long relationship they were married.
They decided to spend their Honeymoon at the most luxurious
hotel in the city. As they were laying in bed the owner looked
at his new bride and said, " tonight I will give you anything you want".
She thought about this for a minute and said, " I have always wanted to try a sixty nine"!
He looked at her very puzzled and said, You want Muloung beef
with snow peas"?

Hersh

[CobraDan]

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," she replied.

[CobraEd]

Amazing Golf Ball

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, ``Hey, why don't you try this ball.'' He draws a green golfball out of his bag. ``You can't lose it.''

His friend replies, ``What do you mean you can't lose it?!!''

The first man replies, ``I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.''

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.

The friend says, ``Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!''

The man replies, ``I found it.''