Joke of the Day...

[poorboy]

A lonely old spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married, She decided to put an add in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person"



On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the dood to see a gray haried gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. hhe asked sardonically,"Your not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"


The old man smiled,"Therefore I cannot run around on you!"


She snorted,"You don't have any hands either!"


Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"


She raised an Eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you still good in bed!'



With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile,

"I rang the doorbell didn't I ??"

[CobraDan]

===========
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give
to Their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible
and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a
brown parrot that Can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty monks in a
monastery 12 years To teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a
year for twenty Years but it was worth it.
Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and The parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.
She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live
in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home
all the time, so I never used the Mercedes.....and the driver is SO rude."
She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have
the good sense to know what your mother likes.
"The chicken was delicious."

[mr0077]

There was a woman who was in a terrible car accident. She was in intensive care for a while, then moved to a private room, still in a coma, with no voluntary movement or reaction to any stimuli. One day, while a nurse was giving her a sponge bath, she noticed the woman's brain waves showed activity, and she reacted physically when the nurse washed her genital areas. The nurse told the doctor, who called in the woman's husband. After telling the husband about the responses, the doctor suggested that the husband might get his wife to respond and improve her chances of recovery if he would engage in oral sex with his wife. The husband said, "Are you sure we should do that?" After reassurance by the doctor, the husband said, "Well, okay...", and went into his wife's room and closed the door behind him. The doctor and the nurses were watching her monitors outside the room, for any sign of brain activity. Suddenly, she flatlined! As they went running into her room, her husband, zipping up his pants, said "I think she choked..."

[CobraDan]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

[CobraDan]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs
went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a
machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

[CobraDan]

"In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent
said their ass was too thin and the other five per cent said they didn't
care
-- they would have married him anyway

[ERA535]

Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q: Why does a man have a hole in his penis?
A: To get some air to his brain.
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it.

Q. What’s the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky’s mouth?
A: One US leader.
Q: How can you tell when a man’s had an orgasm?
A: From the snoring.
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy (Jamo)bends over?
A: Donuts.
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Q. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
A. Because Janet Reno is her real father.
Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: 100 people who don’t do dick.

[ERA535]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
“Breast fed,” she replied. “Well, strip down to your waist, “the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is hungry. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but .........
I’m glad I came.”

[ERA535]

Subject: Men: The Test


Provided as a public service without comment. Note: This is test for men only and all “real men” answer “C” to all of these questions. Women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B. “They’re in school already?”
C. “There are three of them?”

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, (but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear.

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

[Jamo]

Gasworks
Where were these jokes during our 12 hour drives?

"Don't you love me anymore?"

[ERA535]

Do you think I should tell it ? Would Turk mind?

The reason I couldn't is because we were already all laughing so damned hard it wasn't necessary!

Do you think ERA is going to send me a cease and desist for defiling the name?

[ERA535]

Subject: T shirt sayings

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
3) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
4) I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
5) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
6) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
7) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
8) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
9) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
10) CAT ~ The Other White Meat!
11) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Buttheads!
12) “That’s It! I’m Calling Nana!” - seen on an 8 year old
13) “Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew Up”
14) “Procrastinate Now”
15) “Rehab Is for Quitters”
16) “My Dog Can Lick Anyone”
17) “I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?
18) “Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I’ve Been Doing Since 15.
19) “West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names”
20) “I’M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I’VE GOT A GUN”
21) “A hangover is the wrath of grapes”
22) “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance”
23) “They call it “PMS” because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken”
24) “POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN??Cops have nothing to go on.”
25) “HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH”
26) “A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.”
27) “The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.”
28) “Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”
29) “HAM AND EGGS - A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.”
30) “The trouble with life is there’s no background music.”
31) “IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?”
32) “The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.”
33) “MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT”
34) “Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.”
35) “MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.”
36) “NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning-medicine.”
37) “Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.”
38) “ My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t!”

[Jamo]

Do it, do it, do it....... Just give credit to Turk so he gets the blame. Trust me, I'm a lawyer

[ERA535]

Here goes.....
So this guy goes to a whorehouse and asks the madam for the nastiest girl there. She directs him to the proper room and he goes in and asks the girl how much it would be if she would lie on the ground so he can s**t on her chest? She says $25. He says OK and thats just what they do.

A few weeks later same story. This time the guy squats down and can only fart. She looks up at him and says "What's the matter, don't you love me any more?"

[Jamo]

Bravo!!!!!!!!

[Hotfingrs]

> Fat Theology:
>
>
> And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
> spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and
> Woman would live long and healthy lives.
>
> And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the
> 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want
> fries with that?"
>
> And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
>
> And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her
> figure that man found so fair.
>
> And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
>
> And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
>
> And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
>
> And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and
> olive oil with which to cook them."
>
> And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed
> its own platter.
>
> And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the
> roof.
>
> And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose
> those extra pounds.
>
> And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man
> would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
>
> And Man gained pounds.
>
> And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
>
> And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in
> fat and brimming with nutrition.
>
> And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
> center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour
> cream dip also.
>
> And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips
> swaddled in cholesterol.
>
> And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
>
> And Man went into cardiac arrest.
>
> And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
>
> And Satan created HMOs

[CobraDan]

Mary had a little lamb, she tied it to the heater, everytime it turned around, it burnt it's little peter.

Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, she stepped in lamb sh!t.

[CobraDan]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles
around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As
Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most
stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto
the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat & said, "I
want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for
six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back
and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch,
watch the watch, watch the watch ..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds
of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until
suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Sh*t!" exclaimed the angry hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

[Hotfingrs]

She-Devil

Once upon a time, there was a man who came home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decided to teach him a lesson, so she dressed up like Satan and hid in the dark to scare him when he got home.
When he finally came stumbling across the lawn, his wife jumped out in front of him and howled like a demon. He just looked at her and slurred, "You don't scare me; I'm married to your sister!"

[CobraDan]

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator, "This is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning
and it was amazing."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a
lovely horse, I once rode her mother."

Murray Walker, "The lead car is absolutely unique,
except for the one behind it which is identical."

Greg Norman, "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father."

Alan Minter, "Sure there have been injuries and deaths
in boxing - but none of them serious."

Terry Venables, "If history repeats itself, I should
think we can expect the same thing again"

Ron Atkinson, "He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn't like it - you can see it all over their faces."

Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977, "Ah, isn't
that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is
kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio, "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes
Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and
showing his class."

US TV Commentator, "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold
Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-
shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them, oh
my God, what have I just said?"