Joke of the Day... - Page 74

bonyhadi · #1 (**permalink**) 10-10-2002, 06:28 AM

MULTIPLE CHOICE
A woman who is uncomfortable watching a guy masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can
cope with that sort of intimacy.
b) Is uptight and a waste of time.
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first plac

427 S/O · #2 (**permalink**) 10-10-2002, 06:59 AM

Finally!! found out what RELATIVE HUMIDITY is.............

It's the water that runs down the crack of your sister-in-laws a$$ while your making love to her.....

CobraDan · #3 (**permalink**) 10-10-2002, 10:55 AM

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he
stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to
remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her
leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance
and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
CORPORATE LESSON 3
A sales rep, a secretary and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, I usually only grant three
wishes, so I' ll give each of you just one.
Me first! Me first! says the secretary. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, Me next! Me next! says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life. Poof! He's gone.
OK, you're up, the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, I want
those two back in the office after lunch.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always let your boss have the first say

CobraDan · #4 (**permalink**) 10-11-2002, 06:54 AM

A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle.
While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that night's dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked it.
That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook.
He pulled one aside and asked, ..."Did I screw up the cooking"
"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

CobraDan · #5 (**permalink**) 10-11-2002, 09:05 AM

There was an Marine deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he

received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wants pictures of herself back. So the Marine does what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry but I can't remember which one you are but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back.

CobraDan · #6 (**permalink**) 10-12-2002, 10:22 AM

A girl brings an inexperienced guy home one night. They get into her
apartment, and immediately she suggests that they do "69."

"What the hell is that?" Asks the guy.

Realizing he's inexperienced, she trys to explain "I put my head in
between your legs, and you put your head in between mine."

Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the
moment, he agrees to try it. The second they get into position, she lets
out a rip-roaring fart!

"What was that for???" He asks.

"Ooops!..sorry, let's try it again" she says. So, they get into position
again, and..once more she lets a big one loose! The guy gets up and
starts to put his coat on.

"Wait, where are you going??" She asks.

The guy says "if you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those,
you're crazy!!"

Junket · #7 (**permalink**) 10-12-2002, 05:43 PM

In Melbourne,Florda one of the radio stations paid moneh ($100 to $500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. this one netted the winner $500.....I was due that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning a call from the doctor's office. I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and around 8:45 a.m. already. The trip to the doctor's office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have time to spare. As most women do, I am sure, I like take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed up stairs, threw off my robe, wet the wash cloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink,taking extra care to make sure I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the hamper, put on my clothes in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the wating room only a few minutes when the doctor called me in. knowing the procedure,as I am sure you do.I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little suprised when the doctor said "My.....We've taken a little extra effort this morning, havn't we?....but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, ect, at 8:30 that evening, my 14-year-old daughter was getting ready to go to school dance, when she call down from the bathroom, "Mom-where's my washcloth?' I called back for her to get one from the linen closet. She called back, "No- I need that one that was here by the sink- it had my glitter and sparkles in it for the dance tonight"

CobraDan · #8 (**permalink**) 10-13-2002, 02:19 AM

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's
going home for Rosh Hashanah.

The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday
when you light the candles?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Chanukah."

The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the
holiday when you eat the unleavened bread?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah
is the holiday when we blow the shofar."

"See," the Catholic Girl replies. "That's what I like about you
Jews...you're so good to your help."

CobraDan · #9 (**permalink**) 10-13-2002, 02:34 AM

Police office George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said "Damn, I was running late this morning and forgot to put on my panties!
We have to go back to the station to get them." George replied
"We don't have to go back, just give Fido, my trusty police dog, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day, and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.
After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.
The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth!

CobraDan · #10 (**permalink**) 10-17-2002, 05:28 AM

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."
"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill
on your penis?"
"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow...
"Number two, once in awhile, I like to play with my money...
"And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here
at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

CobraDan · #11 (**permalink**) 10-17-2002, 07:42 AM

Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were talking over a

picnic lunch.

Hercules says "You know, everyone says I am the strongest
mortal on the earth, but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers me
a lot."

Snow White said "You're right! Everyone says I am the fairest,
but how can I be sure?"

Quasimodo agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be
the ugliest!"

Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I've
got the answer. Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the
truth."

Hercules says "Great, Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."

Quasimodo gets up to leave and says "See you tomorrow. Boy, I'm going
to find out for certain that I'm the ugliest."

The next day, they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules says, "I
talked to God, and He says that I am truly the strongest."

Snow White says, "So did I, and I am
truly the fairest."

Quasimodo has his head down, leaning on the table
and says, "Who the hell is Janet Reno?

CobraDan · #12 (**permalink**) 10-17-2002, 12:53 PM

A woman from Ohio and another from the East coast were seated side by side
on an airplane. The woman from Ohio, being friendly and all, said: "So,
where are you from?"

The East coast woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use
a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The woman from Ohio sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So,
where are you from, b!tch?

CobraDan · #13 (**permalink**) 10-17-2002, 01:13 PM

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer.
Actually he's a golf fanatic.
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time.
He gets up very early and golf's all day long.
Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, Dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course.
It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel.
From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
She replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"

CobraDan · #14 (**permalink**) 10-18-2002, 03:30 AM

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, You know, we have a wonderful system at
the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets BELL 2 rings and we all
slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2,
I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she yelled, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE"

CobraDan · #15 (**permalink**) 10-18-2002, 06:55 AM

Behind closed doors. A husband and wife go off to bed.
As soon as they settle down, theman leans over and whispers softly
"Hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for
nite-nite yet."

The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned. "Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours.

Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way
she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts, "Clumsy b!tch".

CobraDan · #16 (**permalink**) 10-18-2002, 04:50 PM

You've got to know about Skoal to appreciate this one. For
you non-Texans.. the container for this 'snuff' is very
large, flat and round, and the cowboy carries it in his
back jeans pocket.

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) (she may
be a blonde too but it wasn't stated) confided to her
sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the
Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some

real Texas Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have
sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to
how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a
Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that
Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable!"

"And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! Those
guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full
gallop then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the
horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a
real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they
carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my
mind!"

CobraDan · #17 (**permalink**) 10-18-2002, 04:51 PM

During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's
mother-in-law died. With death certificates in hand, George went to the
American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back
to the states for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that
the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive.
It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, "In most cases
the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here.
This would only cost $150.00."

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost
to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law
very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of
a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from
the dead! I just can't take that chance."

CobraDan · #18 (**permalink**) 10-18-2002, 04:54 PM

One cold winter morning, during the Christmas
season, a mailman was doing his route. As he was
delivering all the Christmas cards, he came to a
house and realized that they had so much mail that
it wouldn't fit in the box, so he decided to knock
on the door.

As the door was answered, a beautiful blond woman
stood staring at him. The mailman said "I'm sorry
for bothering you, but I couldn't get all your
mail into your box, so here it is."

The woman looked at him and said, "Why don't you
come in and take a break - it's cold outside!" The
mailman agreed an stepped into the house.

A few minutes later, the woman says, "I have an
idea. Let's go upstairs and make love!" The
woman was quite beautiful, so the mailman followed
her.

After a while, the two came back down the stairs.
The mailman said, "Wow, that was great but I must
be getting back to my route."

The lady replied, "Oh, don't go yet, let's have
some breakfast!" She then opened the door to the
dining room and the table was covered with food.
After the meal, the mailman said, "Okay, I've
really got to go!"

The woman replied, "Well, thank you," and handed
him a one dollar bill.

The mailman was confused. "What's going on here?
You invite me in, make love to me, cook me a great
breakfast, then hand me a dollar!"

The woman replied, "Well, I asked my husband the
other day what he thought we should give the
mailman for Christmas. He said,'Oh, screw him!
Give'em a dollar!' But breakfast was my idea!"

CobraDan · #19 (**permalink**) 10-19-2002, 04:03 AM

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's
going to
be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long
before $5000
will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.. A quarter a
pack is
ridiculous.."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to
mail a
letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire
outside help
at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday
cost 29
cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the
garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it
impossible to
stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as
long as
the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let
Clark
Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every
new
movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a
man on
the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they
call
astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for
$75,000 a
year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
making
more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric.
They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married
women are
having to work to make ends meet.!"

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone
to
watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to
be
getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole
lot of
foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes
half our
income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people
to
congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously
doubt
they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend.
It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more. $35 a day in the hospital is
too rich
for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

CobraDan · #20 (**permalink**) 10-19-2002, 09:30 AM

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh,.....Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how
to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, "you
must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood.
He stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony, for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed,

"What did you do that
for?"

He replied, "Tarzan check for bees first."