Joke of the Day...

[R U YELLA]

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2) Groan loudly in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other "non-player" must be in the bathroom at the time).

3) Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

4) Phone someone in the office whom you barely know, leave your name, and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"

7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."

8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9) While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.



THREE-POINT DARES

1) Say to your boss, "I like your style," and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.

2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that? I don't want to have to repeat it."

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a "non-player" within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.



FIVE-POINT DARES

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2) Walk into a very busy person's office, and while he watches you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on and off ten times.

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."

4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a 'number two'."

5) After every sentence, say "mon" in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "The report's on your desk, mon." Do this for one hour.

6) While an office mate is out, move his chair into the elevator.

7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up! All of you just shut up!"

8) At lunchtime, kneel down and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

9) In a colleague's diary, write in the 10am slot: "See how I look in tights."

10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?".

11) Repeat the following conversation ten times to the same person. "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he has won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

[CobraDan]

Dog Fight

George and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one big dog fight. They agreed that they would have five years to breed the best fighting dogs in the world and who's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama and his dog handler Mohammed found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world, then bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves they could find. From the litters, they selected the biggest and strongest puppy and trained it day and night to fight to the death.
After five years Osama and Mohammed came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, George and his dog handler, Boudreaux, showed up with a nine foot long Dachshund.
It was the strangest looking dog anyone had ever seen. Boudreaux said it was a Cajun Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for George and Boudreaux because they knew there was
no way that this poor excuse for a dog could possibly last 10 seconds with Osama's big, mean animal. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund slowly came out of its cage, wagged its tail, then waddled over towards Osama's dog.
The Doberman/Rottweiler/Wolf snarled and leaped out of its cage, then charged the poor Dachshund. But when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and ate Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the snarling beast. Osama came up to George and Boudreaux shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers, and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves in the world. How did you do this?" "DA's easy," said Boudreaux, the Cajun? "We 'ad our bess plastic surgins working' fo' five year for to make dat gator look like a weenie dog."

[MilwDoug]

There was a guy in a bar one night who got very very very drunk.
I mean really really really plastered. When the bar was getting
ready to close, he got up and stumbled out the door.

As he left, he noticed a nun walking down the street, so he
stumbled over to her, and punched her in the face.

The punch stunned her, and she fell to the ground. The drunkard
grabbed her by her rosary beads and started kicking her in the
face. Then in the ribs. Then in the face again.

After the beating, he leaned over her bruised body and said,
"You're not such a ****in' tough guy tonight,... are you Batman?"

[stush]

A fellow goes to see a doctor because of persistant headaches and after the doctor examines him he informs the patient that it is a rare case but the only cure for his headaches is castration. The fellow thinks it is kind of extreme and declines the surgery but over the next few weeks the headaches continue and so he finally agrees to castration.

After discharge from the hospital his headaches are gone and he has never felt as good. In fact he feels so good that while passing a mens store he decides to treat himself to new clothes. Might as well look good if I feel this good. He walks in the store and informs the salesman he would like a suit. The salesman looks at him and says"44 Long". the fellow "says how did you know". The salesman says"I'm a salesman this is what I do". The fellow puts the suit on and it fits like no suit he ever had on...perfect. He next asks the salesman that he will need a shirt. the salesman looks at him and says "16 1/2 35". The man very impressed asks the salesman "how did you know?". the salesman answered " I am a salesman this is what I do". Well needless to say the shirt fit like it had been custom made. the fellow feeling better with each clothing item decides he needs shoes. the salesman looks at the fellows feet and says "11 EEE". The fellow is amazed and says "how did you know". the salesman says, "I am a salesman this is what I do". The fellow next decides to complete everything he needs new underwear and asks the salesman for some. The salesman looks at him and says "36 waist". The fellow looks at the salesman and says "I'm not a 36 waist, I wear 34". The salesman however says "sure you are". the fellow insists that he is not a 36 but is a 34.

The salesman says to the guy, "you cant wear a 34 waist it will pinch your testicles against the base of your spine and cause a hell of a headache"

Stu

[MilwDoug]

There was a virgin that was going out on her first date and
she told her grandmother about it. The grandmother says "Sit
here and let me tell you about those young boys."

"He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that
but, don't let him do that."

"He is going to try to feel your breasts, you are going to
like that but, don't let him do that."

"He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you
are going to like that but, don't let him do that."

But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you
and have his way with you. You are going to like that but,
don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date
and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next
day she told her grandmother "My date went just like you said
it would, but I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he
tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his
family."

[Kim Pallister]

A guy comes into work at the garage one day and he's sporting a big shiner over his left eye.

His buddy asks "Where'd you get the black eye?"

"Church." he replies

"Church?!?" his buddy exclaims.

"Yep. Church. We're there yesterday, and we all stand up to sing hymns. There's a very shapely young lady in front of me in a nice flowered dress. However, the dress is kind of stuck in her crack. Not wanting her to look the fool, I kindly reached over the pew and pulled it out. She turns around and hits me!"

A week goes by and the shiner goes from blue to green to yellow and is fading. Monday, they come into work again, and this time the guy has a massive shiner over his right eye.

"Holy crap!" his buddy exclaims "How'd you get another black eye?"

"Church."

"Church!!!! AGAIN?!?"

"We there yesterday, and we all stood up to sing hymns. The same shapely young lady in front of me, wearing the same flowered dress..", he begins to say

"don't tell me her dress was stuck in her crack again?" his buddy interrupts.

"No, it wasn't. And I know she doesn't like it that way, so I pushed it in!"

[CobraDan]

IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN

Your a** is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real.
Your last name stays put.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
The garage is all yours and so is the Cobra.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's a** if someone notices your new haircut.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
You can open all your own jars.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky.
Same work...more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can leave the motel bed undone.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocket knife.
You have the freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, December 24th, in 45 minutes.
The world is your urinal.

[CobraDan]

Only in America.....



1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering

[Jamo]

CobraDan,

I can't tell if you're more Cosby or more Carlin--either way, you've obviously got powers of observation...

Jamo

[poorboy]

A minister decided to do somethig a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. What ever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross". Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross".

The Pastor hollered out "Grace". The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound!"

The Pastor said "Power," The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood"

The Pastor said "Sex" The congregation fell in total silence. Everone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afrid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from way in the back of the church a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing .................................................. ..
.................................................. ...............................................
.................................................. ...............................................
.................................................. ........."Precious Memories"

[CobraDan]

" 'Twas the Night before Payback....."


'Twas the night before Payback and all through the Land,

They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan,

Osama's been praying, he's down on his Knees,

He's hoping that Allah will hear all his Pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and Shatter,

But all that he has done is just make us Madder.

We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,

And we'll kick your butt with a our big heavy Boot.

And yes, we remember the USS Cole,

And the lives of our sailors that you bastards Stole.

You think you can rule us and cause us to Fear,

You'll soon get the answer if you live to Hear.

And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,

And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs.

You think that those mountains are somewhere to Hide.

They'll go down in history as the place where you Died.

Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death?

He came very close to his final Breath.

So come out and prove it if you are a Man,

Cause our boys are coming and they have a Plan.

They are our fathers and they are our Sons,

And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.

They would've stayed home with children and Wives,

'til you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama, I wrote this especially for You,

For air mail delivery by B-52.

You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,

Old Glory is coming, attached to a Missile.

I will not be sorry to see your ass Go.

It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this Show.

[Dave Samson]

Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband,.....
"I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas,
and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises.
White ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised,
big and small. And on the top of the tree was the
*perfect* penis."

Mr. Bandlow says, "I bet that one was mine."

She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't."

He says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same
dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies...shaven and
unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented... and
the one on the top was the *perfect* *****."

She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?"

He says, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!"

[acecob]

A CATTLE DOG STORY


Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said "Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters".

"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia.

"Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick on an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".

"Right" said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer".

"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes"

[Nantucket427]

A lady runs into the Police Station (out of breath). Officer, officer I have been raped by an idiot.
Well now calm down. How do you know he was an idiot?
I had to tell him what to do.

[Ron61]

1. Two Guys

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and family
values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married; did you?"
Ralph replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

2. In Court

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," said the Divorce Court
Judge, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," said the husband. "And every now and then I'll
try to send her a few buck myself."

[CobraDan]

A new job!!

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo
factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.
The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole
line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed
up all over the place.
At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several
minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[CobraDan]

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking
encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy
new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the
ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing
across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the Cobra car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing,
I would have given you all of my business!"

[Dave Samson]

A strikingly handsome young man walked into

the office

of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in

hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume

and small portfolio with the care that was deserving

of his fine young specimen.



"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent

demeanor of an actor. "Tell me, have you had any

roles that I might be aware of."



"Other than the requisite high school and college

plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.



"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like

yours," said the agent.



"Sir?"

"Your name. Penus Van Lesbian. That's not a name

that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent

you, but you'll have to change your name."



"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van

Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his

father's name. We have carried this name for

generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or

any other reason."



"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you

young man."



"Then I bid you farewell-my name will not change."

With that, Penus Van Lesbian left the agents office

never to return.



Five Years Later...The Hollywood agent returned to his

office after lunch with some producers and shuffled

through his mail.



Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There

was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed

the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a

check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He

looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars! He

read the letter:



Dear Sir:

Several years ago, I entered your office determined to

become an actor.



You refused to represent me unless I changed my name.

I objected, saying the Penus Van Lesbian name had been

carried for generations and left your office.



However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my

hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided

to heed your advise and endeavored to change my name.





Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to

millions worldwide.



Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often

that I think back to my meeting with you and your

insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt

of gratitude, so please accept this check with my

humble thanks.



Very Sincerely Yours,



Dick Van Dyke

[chopper]

Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when the neighbor peers over the fence. Interested in what the little darling is doing, he asks "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died" Nancy replied tearfully, "and I'm burying him."

The neighbor observes "But that's an awfully big hole for your goldfish."

As she pats the last bit of dirt into the hole, Nancy replies "That's because your damn cat ate him."

[Wayne Presley]

A man is visiting Chicago for the first time on business. He decides to go have a drink at the bar at the top of the Sears Tower. He sits down next to another guy who is slamming down shots. So the man starts some small talk about how tall the building is and it's the first time he's been to Chicago and the guy's eyes light up. The guy says, "You know Chicago is the windy city and the wind blows so hard up the side of this building, you can jump out the window and the wind will hold you up 5ft off the ground at the bottom".The man said no way so the guy slams another shot and jumps out the window. He falls until he is about 5ft off the ground and just hovers. He stands up and goes inside the building, rides the elevator to the bar and orders another shot. The man decides he has to try this so he slams a shot and jumps out the window. He falls and falls until he hits the concrete splattering everywhere. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "You sure are an asshole when you drink, Superman".