Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

One day a priest was doing the confessional, he looks at his watch
and noticed he had to leave. He asked one of the janitors to sneak in and do
confession for a while until he gets back.

The janitor says" I dont know what to do though!"

Then the priest replies "There is a list of sins and the prayers you
are supposed to give for each one."

So the janitor enters the confessional and the first person enters
and says, "I've cheated on my husband."

The janitor looks on the list and tells her to say three hail Mary's
each day.

Then a little boy comes in and tells the janitor that he stole a
chocolate bar.

The janitor looks at the list and the tells the child to say 2 hail
Mary's tonight.

Then a teenage girl enters and tells him that she gave her boyfriend
a blowjob.

The janitor looks at the list but he cant seem to find blowjob on the
list so he sneaks out and asks one of the alter servers; "What does the
priest give for a blowjob?"

The boy replies "A bag of chips and a can of cola

[bonyhadi]

en are like.....Floor Tiles. If you lay them right
the first time, you
can walk all over them for years.

Men are like.....Bank Accounts. Without a lot of
money, they don't
generate much interest.

Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're
not quite sure why.


Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, hot,
and can keep you
up all night.

Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word
they say.

Men are like.....Computers. Hard to figure out and
never have enough
memory.

Men are like.....Cool Boxes. Load them with beer and
you can take them
anywhere.

Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for
reproduction, but that's
about it.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take a long
time to mature.

Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what
to do and are
usually wrong.

Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not
all that bright.

Men are like.....Parking spots. The good ones are
already taken and the
ones that are left are either disabled or extremely
small.

Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only
for a little while.


Men are like.....Place mats. They only show up when
there's food on the
table.

Men are like.....Snow storms. You never know when
they're coming, how
many inches you'll get or how long they'll last.

Men are like.....Used Cars. Easy-to-get, cheap, and
unreliable.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the
first sign of emotion.

[CobraDan]

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning. Then the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

[bonyhadi]

You know you are from Arizona when...

1. You buy salsa by the gallon.

2. Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of sand and l00 paper
bags.

3. You think a red light is merely a suggestion.

4. All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear
out come the end of April.

5. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.

6. Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los".

7. You think 60 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.

8. You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't
remember the name of the incumbent.

9. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

10. Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.

11. You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny.

12. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

13. You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the
Salt River.

14. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

15. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.

16. Every other vehicle is a 4x4.

17. You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over l00
degrees.

18. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.

19. People break out coats when temperature drops below 70 degrees.

20. You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.

21. The pool can be warmer than you are.

22. You can make sun tea instantly.

23. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your
fireplace.

24. Most homes have more firearms than people.

25. Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?"

26. People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are
automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.

27. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.

28. The AC is on your list of best friends.

29. Monday Night Football starts at 7:00 instead of 6:00.

30. You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

31. You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.

32. The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one.

33. You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro," "Ocotillo,"
"Tempe,""Gila Bend," "San Xavier," "Canyon de Chelly," "Mogollon Rim,"
"Cholla," and "Ajo."

34. It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is
walking on the streets.

35. You experience third degree burns if you touch any metal part of your car.

36. You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're
wearing shorts.

37. Announcements for Fourth of July events never end with "in case of
rain......"

38. When someone asks how far you live from a location, it's always in terms
of minutes, not miles.

39. Everyone's smiling and talking about the great weather on rainy days.

40. If you haven't worked for Motorola at some time, you must be a newcomer.

41. You have to explain to out-of-starters why there is no daylight
savings time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BAR MEETING
A guy met a girl in a bar and asked,

"May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you
another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and
she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you
any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "
You are the most beautiful thing I have
ever seen. I want you for my wife."...

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ON CAMEL TIME
Some Americans were touring an Arab marketplace
and one of them saw a man sitting on the ground
brushing his camel.

"Excuse me, sir," the American said. "Do you
know the time?"

Ammar looked at the American. The he reached
over and held the camel's balls, moving them slightly.
"Ten after two," he said, at last.

"My word!" said the American. He caught up to his
tour group and insisted some of the others return with
him, "You've never seen anything like this!" he promised.

The group went back with him. Again he asked for
the time. Again Ammar reached for the camel's balls.
He seemed to be weighing them as he moved them to
and fro. Finally, he announced: "Twenty- one minutes
past two."

The others were amazed. They went on their way, but
the first American remained. He leaned over. "Listen,"
he confided to Ammar, "I'd give you anything to know
how you do that. I'll give you twenty American dollars
if you show me how you can tell the time by holding
your camel's balls."

Ammar thought for a moment, and then nodded.
Pocketing the twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the
American to kneel down beside him on the ground.
Then he took the camel's balls and gently moved them
to the side, out of the way. "Do you see that clock over
there?" he asked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of,
old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the
human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached
by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he
would look for it. The following week after the service, the preacher called
the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "...And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to
Bethlehem...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was
jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first. "They
said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."

"Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They
said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."

"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added
the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~i
**********************************************
My family, most of them are drunks. I remember when I was a kid, I was lost, they put my picture on a
bottle of scotch! - Rodney Dangerfield

[bonyhadi]

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A teabag.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PUSHING DOWN

An old man goes to the doctor to ask
him an important question.

"Doctor, when I was in my 20's, it
took both of my hands to push down
my hard-on."

"When I was in my 30's, it took one
hand to push down my hard-on."

"When I was in my 50's, it took three
fingers to push down my hard-on."
"Now that I'm in my 60's, it only
takes one finger to push down on my
hard-on!"

"So what I'm basically trying to ask
you is? How strong am I going to get?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dirty Old Man

An old man was on the beach and walked
up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to
feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" was
the reply..

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you
twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away
from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you
ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered

She paused to think about it, but then comes
to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me
feel your breasts," he claimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems
harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money...

"Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both
are standing there on the beach, he slid his
hands underneath and began to feel... then
he started saying, "OH MY GOD..OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you
keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered,
"OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five
hundred dollars?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool
began to cry.

The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Sweetie?"

She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me
because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"

Three men and a Lesbian were killed in the rush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Signs that You Might be Gay
- There's a dick up your ass.
- You blow every paycheck on gerbils.
- You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops."
- Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.
- Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of
your neighbors.
- Your nickname is "Homo."
- Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons, you'd rather
spank him.
- You know over 10 people named Bruce.
- There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth.
- You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are from Arizona when...

1. You buy salsa by the gallon.

2. Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of sand and l00 paper
bags.

3. You think a red light is merely a suggestion.

4. All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear
out come the end of April.

5. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.

6. Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los".

7. You think 60 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.

8. You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't
remember the name of the incumbent.

9. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

10. Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.

11. You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny.

12. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

13. You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the
Salt River.

14. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

15. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.

16. Every other vehicle is a 4x4.

17. You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over l00
degrees.

18. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.

19. People break out coats when temperature drops below 70 degrees.

20. You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.

21. The pool can be warmer than you are.

22. You can make sun tea instantly.

23. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your
fireplace.

24. Most homes have more firearms than people.

25. Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?"

26. People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are
automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.

27. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.

28. The AC is on your list of best friends.

29. Monday Night Football starts at 7:00 instead of 6:00.

30. You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

31. You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.

32. The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one.

33. You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro," "Ocotillo,"
"Tempe,""Gila Bend," "San Xavier," "Canyon de Chelly," "Mogollon Rim,"
"Cholla," and "Ajo."

34. It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is
walking on the streets.

35. You experience third degree burns if you touch any metal part of your car.

36. You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're
wearing shorts.

37. Announcements for Fourth of July events never end with "in case of
rain......"

38. When someone asks how far you live from a location, it's always in terms
of minutes, not miles.

39. Everyone's smiling and talking about the great weather on rainy days.

40. If you haven't worked for Motorola at some time, you must be a newcomer.

41. You have to explain to out-of-starters why there is no daylight
savings time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BAR MEETING
A guy met a girl in a bar and asked,

"May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you
another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and
she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you
any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "
You are the most beautiful thing I have
ever seen. I want you for my wife."...

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ON CAMEL TIME
Some Americans were touring an Arab marketplace
and one of them saw a man sitting on the ground
brushing his camel.

"Excuse me, sir," the American said. "Do you
know the time?"

Ammar looked at the American. The he reached
over and held the camel's balls, moving them slightly.
"Ten after two," he said, at last.

"My word!" said the American. He caught up to his
tour group and insisted some of the others return with
him, "You've never seen anything like this!" he promised.

The group went back with him. Again he asked for
the time. Again Ammar reached for the camel's balls.
He seemed to be weighing them as he moved them to
and fro. Finally, he announced: "Twenty- one minutes
past two."

The others were amazed. They went on their way, but
the first American remained. He leaned over. "Listen,"
he confided to Ammar, "I'd give you anything to know
how you do that. I'll give you twenty American dollars
if you show me how you can tell the time by holding
your camel's balls."

Ammar thought for a moment, and then nodded.
Pocketing the twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the
American to kneel down beside him on the ground.
Then he took the camel's balls and gently moved them
to the side, out of the way. "Do you see that clock over
there?" he asked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of,
old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the
human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached
by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he
would look for it. The following week after the service, the preacher called
the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "...And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to
Bethlehem...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was
jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first. "They
said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."

"Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They
said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."

"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added
the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had
collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all
questions.

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but
there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a
being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's
absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will
share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded
in agreement. Finally, Lynn responded, "I think it's a great idea! Can I
help you choose which puppy to buy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Turk]

knock knock..


TURK

[CobraDan]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gyncologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[bonyhadi]

I got a sweater for my birthday. I wanted a screamer or a moaner.







Diary of a Smoker-Quitting


This Sucks

Day One: ****.

Day One again only the next day: Have tried to kill husband twice.
Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done.
Same for bathroom. Am suddenly thinking this has upside. Eating dried
fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished
roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind me of
cigarettes. Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully.
Eat leftover beans from last night - that'll show him. Walk by
computer and wave occasionally. Can't sit and write or surf as this
has been main smoking area. It's about four-o' clock now; I could
have just one, I could have just one, I could have just one. That's
Mr. Nicotine. He lives with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly,
right now, I don't frigging care. Decide to play fantasy game on
Playstation. Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero
can save world. World doomed in my opinion.

Day two, morning: Woke up two hours earlier than usual. Great; two
extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and
spawn. Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had
desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up
six times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of
water "to assist my system flush poison." Am feeling unusually testy
as result of lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies.
Decide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post
arrives. Probably both.

Day 2, afternoon: See husband off to airport for business trip. Clean
closets. Nothing new in mail. Did all laundry out of necessity - body
of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise. Put in extra
dryer sheets (Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.) Decide to take walk.
Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet. She is smoking a cigarette.
I tell her no out of spite.

Day 3, morning: Go through dead man's mail bag; keep catalogues for
joyous Christmas shopping. Feed rest down garbage disposal.

Day 3, Afternoon: Call garbage disposal repair.

Day 4: Receive visitor. Police looking for missing mail carrier -
received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person. Make
coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried
fruit to make smiley faces on plate. Police officer asks if I mind if
he smokes. Burst in to tears. Confess.

Day 472: Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. Federal
crime.

Day 478: Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no
cigarettes to trade. Able to sing better now; make up prison blues
songs.

Day 552: Receive divorce papers: husband marrying tobacco heiress.
Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked. Wants twelve cartons of
cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots. Decide husband will live as
price too steep.

Day 558: Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mate to
have defense attorney whacked. Feel better.

Day 691: Served last meal - minister asks if anything wanted at last
moments. Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be.
Request one last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal
building, but sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel
slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric. Warden enters cell excitedly;
Governor issues full pardon due to new Federal "It Takes a Village"
crimes statute: allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of
severe nicotine withdrawal.


Day 1: ****.


Rules For Life_______________ 1. You will receive a body. You may like it or
hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school
called life. Each day in this school, you will have the opportunity to learn
lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and
error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the
process as the experiment that ultimately "works."
4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to
you in various forms until you have learned it. Then you can go on to the
next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not
contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better than "here," When your "there" has become a "here,"
you will simply obtain another "there" that again, looks better than "here."
7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate some- thing
about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate
about yourself. 8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the
tools and resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice
is yours.
9. The answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside
you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for
her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from
sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I just spent ten days of quality time in a
compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife: I want to know if I have grounds for a divorce.
Lawyer: Are you married?

Wife: Yes, of course.

Lawyer: Then you have grounds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COUPLES NOT
After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between your eyes

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The prayer meeting was really jumping. The pastor
asked for those who wanted to witness to get up and
speak. A man stood and shouted, "I have lusted in my heart!"

The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother. Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have been slave to the demon alcohol!"

The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have been unfaithful to my dear wife!"

Again the pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have screwed a goat!"

The pastor said, "I wouldn't have told that, Brother!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
25 Inches

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is
having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one
complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you
can do for me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know
this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions
to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25
inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only
hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think
I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the
forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a
log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog
says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the
frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he
screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches,
so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?"
the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5
inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his
penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is
still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked
across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I
have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing
about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening
until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum.

He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

Here's something to consider...

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a nontraditional place
36% of the women favour nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the
forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it.

[petek]

(Turk)

Who's there?

[bonyhadi]

POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about six years old.

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop? "

"Yes, " I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
right? "

"Yes, that's right, " I told her.

"Well, then" she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please
tie my shoe? "

~~~~

POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there? " he
asked.

"It sure is, " I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van.

Finally he said, "What'd he do? "

~~~~~

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly
the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will
never believe this! "

~~~~~

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit. "

"And why not, darling? "

"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning. "

~~~~~

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his
playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be
performed, the children had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug
a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son
was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Faaaather. . . and unto the Soonnn . . . and into the
hole he gooooes. "

~~~~~~

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time, " she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they
won't let me talk! "

~~~~~

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found! " the boy called
out. What have you got there, dear? With astonishment in the young boy's
voice,

he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear! "




















SILLY LAWS



CALIFORNIA

~ It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.

~ Women may not drive in a housecoat.


FLORIDA

~ It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

~ Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.


OHIO

~ Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in
public.

~ It is illegal to get a fish drunk.


KANSAS

~ Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.

~ No one may catch fish with his bare hands.


OKLAHOMA

~ Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at
a dog.

~ State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's
hamburger.


ALABAMA

~ It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in
church.

~ Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. (Really)


NEW YORK

~ It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

~ The penalty for jumping off a building is death.


NEW JERSEY

~ You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full-service
only.

~ In Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a
restaurant.


WISCONSIN

~ In Racine, it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.

~ Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.


VIRGINIA

~ It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays.

~ Flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is
outlawed.


TEXAS

~ It is illegal to have more than three sips of beer at a time while
standing.

~ It is illegal for a person to go barefoot without first obtaining a
permit.


ILLINOIS

~ It is against the law to use a slingshot unless you are a police
officer.

~ Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.


IOWA

~ Public kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five
minutes.

~ One-armed piano players must perform for free.


WASHINGTON

~ It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.
(Realize....someone had to MAKE that law!)

~ People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.


ARIZONA

~ It is illegal to hunt camels within the state borders.

~ In Tucson, women may not wear pants.


MASSACHUSETTS

~ Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

~ It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.












A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold.

But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the
base of a tree, and begins to pray:

"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..." Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over
the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of
cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet!

"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the
cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No,"the husband says, "Jesus
sent this to me with a message...

As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yell, ' THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'










A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,
she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn
red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So
twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn
red?" "No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."





























A woman is very distressed because she has not been married for
very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So she goes to see her doctor, and tells him the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this
is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal
instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuts on
her husbands cereal every morning without telling him, and little
by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes
her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress
report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her
husband is.

"He's dead," she replies

"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"

The woman replied, "He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls,
and I backed over him with the car......

[bonyhadi]

A lady is one who never shows her underwear ... unintentionally : )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~









Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man,
who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship. The
crew became frantic!

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing
the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated
the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's
triumph. One of them a asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red
shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would
not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such
a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN
pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the
captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders.

Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his
ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man to wife: "Woman, you are getting old, look at all the
wrinkles you are getting!"
Wife: "They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!"
Man: "Nothing is that damn' funny!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maria is a devoted religious girl. She gets married and has 17 children. Then
her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later and has 22 children by her
next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally
together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me, father, but do you mean her
first husband, or her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LETHAL DRINKS
American in Paris = Kentucky
bourbon and champagne

Blood Clot = vodka, tomato
juice, and Jell-O

Card table == When you drink
2 of them your legs fold up
under you.

Fuzzy Naval Base = peach
schnapps, orange juice, and
ammonia

HIV+ (for gay bars) = It's Hi C
orange juice, V8 vegetable
juice, and battery acid.

Honeydew the Dishes = Midori and Dawn

Linda Tripp = 3 oz. of Old Crow on
the rocks.

Martinizer = gin, vermouth, and
carbon tetrachloride

Mary Poppins = vodka, tomato
juice, and a spoonful of sugar,
decorated with a paper umbrella

Oil of Ole = Mazola and sangria

Ronald Reagan Cocktail: Two and
you start feeling senile, at
a total loss for words.

Rush Limbaugh Cocktail: two of
these and you're a loud-mouthed
know-it-all.

Sake-to-me = rice wine, punch,
and nitrous oxide

Shirley MacLaine = sugar, carbonated
water, ginger extract - syrup, and
pomegranate; or what ginger ale
and grenadine were in a previous life

Sinead O'Connor = Irish whiskey and
Nair

Sonic screwdriver = Vodka & orange
juice going Mach 2.

The Energy Crisis Cocktail: Two and
the lights go out on you.

The Fuel Shortage cocktail; Two and
you're only half-tanked.

The Mona Lisa Cocktail: Two of these
and people wonder what you're smiling
at.

The Standard Time Cocktail: This one
sets you back an hour.

The Communist Cocktail: two of these
and you start leaning to the left.

The Exorcists Cocktail: Two and it'll
bring out the devil in you.

The Wuthering Heights Cocktail: It's
all the rage in England for those who
always want just one moor.

Three Men and a Baby = Jim Beam,
Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniel's, and
Infamil

Three Mile Island Iced Tea = vodka,
gin, rum, tequila, and plutonium
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
A woman gives birth to a baby,
and afterwards, the doctor comes
in, and he says, "I have to tell
you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says,
"What's wrong with my baby,
Doctor?...What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now,
nothing's wrong, exactly, but your
baby is a little bit different.
Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite....
what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means
your baby has the...er... ...
features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says,
"Oh, my goodness! You mean it has a
penis... AND a brain?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Q: What do you get when you cross Mexican crude fuel sources with
Arabian crude fuel sources?

A: Oil of Ole'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A PREGNANT WOMAN

"I finished the Oreos."

"Not to imply anything, but I don't
think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never
guess that Pamela Lee had a baby.."

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna
stay that flabby forever!"

"Well, couldn't they induce labor?
The 25th is the Super Bowl!"

"Darned if you ain't about five pounds
away from a surprise visit from that
Richard Simmons fella."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the
size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought
I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience
the joy of childbirth?"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like
that?"

"Get your *own* ice cream."

"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking
today."

"Got milk ?"

"Maybe we should name the baby after my
secretary, Tawney."

"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is
the size of Madagascar!"

"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover
Dam retains water..."

"You don't have the guts to pull that
trigger..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
----------------------------------
My ex-wife was temperamental..... 90% temper and 10% mental.
----------------------------------
I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the
life of me, I can't remember why I got married.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






S i t u a t i o n a l O r g a s m s

Sex with a nerd ~ dork-gasms

Sex at the entrance to your house ~ door-gasms

Sex on carpet or linoleum ~ floor-gasms

Sex at the supermarket ~ store-gasms

Sex at a Steven King Movie ~ horror-gasms

Sex with a prostitute ~ whore-gasms

Sex while sleeping ~ snore-gasms

Sex while broke ~ poor-gasms

Sex for hours and hours on end ~ sore-gasms

Sex on a golf course ~ fore-gasms

Sex with a nymphomaniac ~ more-gasms

Sex with a dermatologist ~pore-gasms

Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet ~ s'more -gasms

Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can ~odor-gasms

Sex that wasn't very satisfying ~ 'There's the door'-gasms

Sex in an adult theater ~ hard-core-gasms

Sex with someone who's not paying attention ~ ignore-gasms

Sex with a competitive partner ~ score-gasms

Sex while flying ~ soar-gasms

Sex with a beloved partner ~ adore-gasms

Sex with three of your friends ~ four-gasms

Sex that isn't fun ~ Bored -gasms
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Unable to display image]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
M' Lady
It's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within.
***
M' Lady
Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat by midnight.
Lower your drawbridge and let me cross.
***
M' Lady
Dost thou possess a looking glass in thine bodice?
For I may surely see myself within their folds.
***
M' Lady
Every second of every hour of every day is like a thousand knives of fire
stabbing me in the heart. I long for thee incessantly, so much that mine
sorrow seems without surcease. My alliteration is small comfort next to the
warm gaze of thine azure eyes. I crave the comfort of thine embrace like some
lost child cold and alone in the dark....
So, you wanna **** ???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Man ~ You're awfully flat chested, but you've got a tight *****.

Woman ~ Get off my back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[CobraDan]

Once a young boy was watching his mother take a bath. As she got out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks
"Momma what are those?" She replies
"Son those are my breasts," as she turns her back to him he asks "Momma what is that?" she replies
"Son that is my derriere." As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether region and asks
"Momma what is that?" She replies
"That son is none of your business!"
Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door, and the father comes in from work hungry.
The father hollers toward the kitchen to the mom, "Hey honey, what's for dinner?" She replies
"None of your business."
The son shaking his head says "YUCK!"

[SFfiredog]

Question:
How do you get an ex-stock broker off your front porch?

Answer:
Pay for the pizza

--Mike

[bonyhadi]

If Men Arranged Marriages.....

There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until
the cops
showed up.

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean
cut-offs and halter
tops.

They would have NO tan lines and more skin
showing than
not.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the
Nike shoes
would have matching team colors.

June weddings would be scheduled around
basketball play-
offs Vows would mention cooking and sex
specifically, but omit
that "forsaking all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a
souped-up '73 Charger
or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame
designs on the
side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless
they were
really old) would get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role
of "Best
Man."

There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting
events at
half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be
long.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive
compared to the
cost of the bachelor party. The cost of
strippers and liquor
really does add up.

Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear?
The
burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd
just grab extras
from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better
yet, free drink
passes at the local lounge.

The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel,
and be
form-fitted to her ass.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there
would be
a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza, and
plenty of
bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that veil routine. But
they
would insist that the garter be as high up on her
leg as
it could go.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a
previous
funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or
something.

Invitations would read as follow: Tom (Dick or
Harry) is
getting the old ball and chain. He's getting
married.
He either: A) Knocked her up, B) Couldn't get a
different
roommate, or C) Caved in to her ultimatum.
Please meet
the woman who will cook and clean for him For the
rest of his
life at Soldier Field Stadium On the 50-Yard Line
at Half-time
during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the
Moonlight Lounge
after the game For Beer, Nachos and
Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B.








There were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus
was Black
1) He called everyone "Brother"
2) He liked Gospel
3) He couldn't get a fair trial


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Jewish
1) He went into his Fathers business
2) He lived at home until he was 33
3) He was sure his mother was a virgin and
his mother was sure he was
God


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Italian
1) He talked with his hands
2) He had wine with every meal
3) He used olive oil


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was a Californian
1) He never cut his hair
2) He walked around barefoot all the time
3) He started a new religion


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Irish
1) He never got married
2) He was always telling stories
3) He loved green pastures


But the most compelling evidence of all - 3
proofs that Jesus was a woman
1) He had to feed a crowd at a moment's
notice when there was no food
2) He kept trying to get a message across
to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it
3) Even when he was dead, He had to get up
because there was more
work to do.

Amen !!!!!









A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs
to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"

Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, I've been
telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!

<><><><><><>

"My daughter and I took what proved to be 134 pounds of cardboard
boxes to the recycling center and earned $1.34. Counting gas and ice
cream, we turned a profit of -$7.85. We're going to use generally
accepted accounting principles and apply this amount to our taxable
income."

<><><><><><>

According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and think he's
really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if
he's married?

Rose Marie: No, you should wait until morning.

<><><><><><>

Jewish Mothers don't differ from any other in the world when it comes
to bragging about their sons. One Mother, trying to out-do another
when it came to opportunities available to their just
graduated-from-college sons said, "My Irving has had so many fine
interviews, his resume is now in its fifth printing."

<><><><><><>

Mary: And then he told me his name was John Smith.

Jill: Oh, that sounds fake! Weren't you suspicious?

Mary: Oh, yes! I was even more so when he asked me, "How much for the
whole night?"

<><><><><><>

What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?

George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

<><><><><><>

If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?

Charley Weaver: Hey, three days of steady drinking ought to do it.

<><><><><><>

A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations at his
high-school alma mater.

Last fall, a member of the Class of 1986 returned the standard alumni
questionnaire with this response:

Marital Status - Not good
Wife's Name - Plaintiff

<><><><><><>

Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance
company to inquire about my short-term disability policy.

"I just had a baby," I proudly announced to the representative who
picked up the phone.

"Congratulations! I'll get all of your information and activate your
policy," she assured me. After taking down basic facts like my name
and address, she asked, "Was this a work-related incident?"

<><><><><><>

In keeping with the spirit of the times, there's a new exercise class
for all Mothers-in-Law. It's called aerobic nagging.

<><><><><><>

"In Florida, a woman who's a special-needs teacher by day, has been
arrested for working as a prostitute at night. When asked about it,
the woman said her clients at night also have "special needs." -
Conan O'Brien

<><><><><><>

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor.
The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My
husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"

The husband replies "Not exactly. I mean, she's the one that suffers, not me."

<><><><><><>

You Know You're Living In The Year 2002 When:

A. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they
do not have an e-mail address.

B. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

C. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn
so she can create a screen saver.

D. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.

E. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the
bottom of the screen.

F. You buy a computer and 3 months later it is out of date and now
sells for half the price you paid.

G. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go get it.

H. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase
would be a hassle and take planning.

I. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

J. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

k. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

L. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

M. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

N. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if
youjust pulled the plug on a loved one.

O. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

P. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on
your way back to bed.




<><><><><><>

[Lumberman]

New Pledge
I Pledge (if I am emotionally so inclined, but otherwise make no commitment whatsoever) Allegiance (or if not, at least a passing interest in) to the Cloth Symbol (known by most but not necessarily myself as "The Flag") of the loosely associated group of governmental regulatory bodies known as The United States of America (which may also be referred to as a group of ethnically diversified persons living in the same place at the same time) and to the Republic (please refer to the aforementioned disclaimer regarding the USA) for which it stands, one nation (please refer to the aforementioned disclaimer regarding the USA), under (or maybe even over) an unspecified deity (or not if you so choose so as not to possibly offend any member of the ethnically diversified group herein assembled to recite or not to recite this statement of allegiance or interest depending on the mood of the moment) indivisible (or invisible or visible or whatever) with Liberty (because you have to have liberty even if there is no commitment or responsibility whatsoever) and Justice (whatever you may define that to be) for All (and by "all" we may mean just one lousy individual who wants to, with the help of his A.C.L.U. court appointed attorney, ruin everything for everybody else).

[DAVID GAGNARD]

How Could I Ever Repay You?

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So
the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor
felt was suitable would have to come from his
buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would
tell no one about where the skin came from, and
requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more
beautiful than she ever had before! One day,she was
alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want
to thank you for everything you did for me. There is
no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get
all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek."

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591

Dear Sirs;
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings,
and at the same time getting our airline industry back on
its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look
at naked women we should replace all of our female
flight attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear
of seeing a naked woman, and of course, everyone in this
country would start flying again in hope of seeing a
naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the
airline industry would have record sales.

Now why didn't Congress think of this?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[bonyhadi]

. Proper Care
-----------------------------------
A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding
ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond
band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked
the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have
to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the
salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding
ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."



"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk
comes out of my nose."
- Woody Allen


Orders?
----------------------------------
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't
you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention?
What's your excuse?

Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.

Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you
no such order.

Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.









The Law
---------------------------------
Aubrey Meek was brought before the court on the charge of refusing to
obey a police officer. "Why did you refuse to move on when asked to do
so by the officer?" the judge inquired, obviously wondering what
unexplained force could have given such a man strength to buck a strong
minion of the law.

"It's like this, your honor," explained Meek. "My wife said I was to
meet her at exactly twelve noon at that spot - and I was forced to
choose between man's law and wife's law."








I'm in personnel with the government in Washington, D.C., reviewing
applications for federal employment. The standard form includes the
question, "Why did you leave your previous employment?" One applicant,
a former U.S. Cngressman, responded, "The express wish of 116,000
voters."--Readers Digest

[bonyhadi]

The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him
where he is going; fifty years of having his wife ask the same question; and
at the end, the mourners wondering too!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 meant that all cars will now be
of German origin.
To this end the following list of German motoring phrases:

1) Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken = Signal Indicators

2) Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen = Auto Hood (Bonnet)

3) Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust

4) Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken = Clutch

5) Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken = Puncture

6) Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner driver

7) Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin = Estate car

8) Der Flippenflappenschitspreader = Windshield wipers

9) Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seat belt

10) Das Buch fur Aresewipen = Highway code

11) Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights

12) Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist

13) Der Fukkengratentrucken = Truck

14) Der Bananwaltzen = Skid

15) Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near accident
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked
very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot. At the
end of the day she was nucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and the
other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible uckers and had
fetty sweet.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball but the cotton runts wouldn't
let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother
appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six
dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told
Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking
falamity.

At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly
the clock struck twelve...."For suck's fake!" yelled Rindercella as she ran
out, tripping barse over ollocks and dropping her slass glipper.

Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly
ister let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig
bart.

"Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there," said Mary Hinge. When the brinking stown
cloud had lifted the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the
sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking fank. Betty Swollocks was
ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers. This
was not difficult has he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard-on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

They were married. The hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and Rindercella
lived hers with a follen swanny.

And they lived happily ever after...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young American girl, on her very first trip to Paris, decided to test the
French male's fabled expertise in the art of love-making.

On her first date, she asked him what exactly he intended to do with her.

"First," he replied, "I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will carry you to ze
bed. And zen," he added triumphantly, "I will kiss ze navel."

"Big deal !!!" she said. "I've had my navel kissed before hundreds of times."

"Ahhhhh, but of course!" shrugged the Frenchman. "But... from ze inside?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Army Sergeant Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and
says, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!"

The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call
girl they have for him.

Sergeant Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on
his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed.

He then says, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years,
and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!!"

Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect.

The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that.

The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm
a master of my mind and body. DICK, AT EASE!!"

His penis goes immediately limp.

The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for
another demonstration.

The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!!"
(A raging hard-on once again).

He follows this display of prowess with the command of "DICK, AT EASE!!"
(His penis goes limp once again).

The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration
one more time.

The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you darling, I've been in the Army
thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!!"

His penis becomes immediately erect. He then gives the following command,
"DICK, AT EASE!!"

The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his absolute horror, his penis is still
rock hard. He says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier: DICK, AT EASE!!"

Once again his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and
says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!!"

No luck, his penis is still rock hard. He yells, "Goddammit!!" and moves to
the side of the bed and starts to vigorously play with himself.

The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?"

The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order--and I'm
giving him a dishonourable discharge!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Girl & her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy a round,
she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two
glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.

Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it
in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it
a go. First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.

Then he takes the lime juice.

T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.

T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the colour of fresh lime juice.

T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.

T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear, "Blowjob revenge!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is a KISS?

It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to further
PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build next GENERATION.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~