A lady is one who never shows her underwear ... unintentionally : )
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Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man,
who showed no fear when facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship. The
crew became frantic!
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing
the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated
the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's
triumph. One of them a asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red
shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would
not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such
a manly man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN
pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the
captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his
ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
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Man to wife: "Woman, you are getting old, look at all the
wrinkles you are getting!"
Wife: "They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!"
Man: "Nothing is that damn' funny!!!"
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Maria is a devoted religious girl. She gets married and has 17 children. Then
her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later and has 22 children by her
next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally
together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me, father, but do you mean her
first husband, or her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
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LETHAL DRINKS
American in Paris = Kentucky
bourbon and champagne
Blood Clot = vodka, tomato
juice, and Jell-O
Card table == When you drink
2 of them your legs fold up
under you.
Fuzzy Naval Base = peach
schnapps, orange juice, and
ammonia
HIV+ (for gay bars) = It's Hi C
orange juice, V8 vegetable
juice, and battery acid.
Honeydew the Dishes = Midori and Dawn
Linda Tripp = 3 oz. of Old Crow on
the rocks.
Martinizer = gin, vermouth, and
carbon tetrachloride
Mary Poppins = vodka, tomato
juice, and a spoonful of sugar,
decorated with a paper umbrella
Oil of Ole = Mazola and sangria
Ronald Reagan Cocktail: Two and
you start feeling senile, at
a total loss for words.
Rush Limbaugh Cocktail: two of
these and you're a loud-mouthed
know-it-all.
Sake-to-me = rice wine, punch,
and nitrous oxide
Shirley MacLaine = sugar, carbonated
water, ginger extract - syrup, and
pomegranate; or what ginger ale
and grenadine were in a previous life
Sinead O'Connor = Irish whiskey and
Nair
Sonic screwdriver = Vodka & orange
juice going Mach 2.
The Energy Crisis Cocktail: Two and
the lights go out on you.
The Fuel Shortage cocktail; Two and
you're only half-tanked.
The Mona Lisa Cocktail: Two of these
and people wonder what you're smiling
at.
The Standard Time Cocktail: This one
sets you back an hour.
The Communist Cocktail: two of these
and you start leaning to the left.
The Exorcists Cocktail: Two and it'll
bring out the devil in you.
The Wuthering Heights Cocktail: It's
all the rage in England for those who
always want just one moor.
Three Men and a Baby = Jim Beam,
Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniel's, and
Infamil
Three Mile Island Iced Tea = vodka,
gin, rum, tequila, and plutonium
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A woman gives birth to a baby,
and afterwards, the doctor comes
in, and he says, "I have to tell
you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says,
"What's wrong with my baby,
Doctor?...What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now,
nothing's wrong, exactly, but your
baby is a little bit different.
Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite....
what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means
your baby has the...er... ...
features...of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says,
"Oh, my goodness! You mean it has a
penis... AND a brain?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Q: What do you get when you cross Mexican crude fuel sources with
Arabian crude fuel sources?
A:
Oil of Ole'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A PREGNANT WOMAN
"I finished the Oreos."
"Not to imply anything, but I don't
think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never
guess that Pamela Lee had a baby.."
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna
stay that flabby forever!"
"Well, couldn't they induce labor?
The 25th is the Super Bowl!"
"Darned if you ain't about five pounds
away from a surprise visit from that
Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the
size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought
I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience
the joy of childbirth?"
"Are your ankles supposed to look like
that?"
"Get your *own* ice cream."
"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking
today."
"Got milk ?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my
secretary, Tawney."
"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is
the size of Madagascar!"
"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover
Dam retains water..."
"You don't have the guts to pull that
trigger..."
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Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
----------------------------------
My ex-wife was temperamental..... 90% temper and 10% mental.
----------------------------------
I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the
life of me, I can't remember why I got married.
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S i t u a t i o n a l O r g a s m s
Sex with a nerd ~ dork-gasms
Sex at the entrance to your house ~ door-gasms
Sex on carpet or linoleum ~ floor-gasms
Sex at the supermarket ~ store-gasms
Sex at a Steven King Movie ~ horror-gasms
Sex with a prostitute ~ whore-gasms
Sex while sleeping ~ snore-gasms
Sex while broke ~ poor-gasms
Sex for hours and hours on end ~ sore-gasms
Sex on a golf course ~ fore-gasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac ~ more-gasms
Sex with a dermatologist ~pore-gasms
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet ~ s'more -gasms
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can ~odor-gasms
Sex that wasn't very satisfying ~ 'There's the door'-gasms
Sex in an adult theater ~ hard-core-gasms
Sex with someone who's not paying attention ~ ignore-gasms
Sex with a competitive partner ~ score-gasms
Sex while flying ~ soar-gasms
Sex with a beloved partner ~ adore-gasms
Sex with three of your friends ~ four-gasms
Sex that isn't fun ~ Bored -gasms
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M' Lady
It's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within.
***
M' Lady
Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat by midnight.
Lower your drawbridge and let me cross.
***
M' Lady
Dost thou possess a looking glass in thine bodice?
For I may surely see myself within their folds.
***
M' Lady
Every second of every hour of every day is like a thousand knives of fire
stabbing me in the heart. I long for thee incessantly, so much that mine
sorrow seems without surcease. My alliteration is small comfort next to the
warm gaze of thine azure eyes. I crave the comfort of thine embrace like some
lost child cold and alone in the dark....
So, you wanna **** ???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Man ~ You're awfully flat chested, but you've got a tight *****.
Woman ~ Get off my back!
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