Joke of the Day...

[xlr8or]

>
>You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or
>get married and wish you were dead."
>
>Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
>You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you
>wish you had ordered that.
>
>At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
>your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am,
I
>married the wrong man."
>
>After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool
>when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't
>notice."
>
>A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day
>she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
>mine."
>
>The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've
>found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want
>from me,
>sympathy?"
>
>When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let
>her keep him.
>
>
>
>Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
>
>A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
>married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
>
>Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't
>know his wife until he marries her?
>Dad: That happens in every country, son.
>
>Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
>until I got married; by then it was too late."
>
>A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a
>millionaire."
>"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman
>replied, "A billionaire."
>
>Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A Second
>marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
>
>If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
>you say, talk in your sleep.
>
>Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
>thinking they had no faults at all.
>
>You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with
>the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
>
>Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as
>both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house.
>Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
>
>According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men
>fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
>
>Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
>
>My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two
>girlfriends.
>
>How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
>laundry done for free.
>
>The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
>once.
>
>Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
>parachute.
>
>First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
>Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
>
>Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
>with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
>

[CobraDan]

Facelift
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday.
She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper.
Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32", the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight
is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and
feel your breasts. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead". The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After about 20 seconds she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47." Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know?".
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds.

[CobraDan]

Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling very comfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked.
"Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.
"Well, yes, but" stammered the woman.
"Well lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor.
"Were out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap."

[renaissance man]

A five year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the five year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The four year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell," and you say"ass," okay?"
The four year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the five year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."..
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up,and runs upstairs bawling.
The mom looks at the four year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I'm not sure," he says, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

[CobraDan]

LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own bucking business!!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5
birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
LITTLE BILLY ON ... MATH:
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the bucking difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called
on little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just bucking beautiful!"

[xlr8or]

Kentucky hillbilly Herman James was drafted by the Army and on the first
day as an enlisted man he was given a comb. The following day the Army
barber sheared all of his hair off.

On the third day the Army gave him a tooth brush. On the next day the
Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out.

On the fifth day he was given a jock strap...that afternoon
Herman went AWOL.

[xlr8or]

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are walking through the park and they see a little boy on a swing.
the priest says "Hey lets go see if we can screw that little boy"
The rabbi replies "Out of what?"

[Dave Samson]

switch on your speakers for this one:


http://users.bigpond.net.au/cobracar...rs_SINATRA.mp3

[Ibr8k4vetts]

The address above dose not work for me
Mike
________
extreme vaporizer

[Toivo]

Today's joke:

WASHINGTON -- Six months to the day after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, a Florida flight school where two of the suicide hijackers trained received letters from the Immigration and Naturalization Service indicating that the men had been approved for student visas.

Rudi Dekkers, president of Huffman Aviation in Venice, Fla., said the INS documents certifying the visa status of hijackers Mohamed Atta and Marwan Al-Shehhi arrived in Monday's mail. The documents came nearly eight months after the federal government approved the pair's request to stay in the USA to take flight courses at Huffman.

The student visas had been approved several weeks before Atta and Al-Shehhi piloted two hijacked jets into the World Trade Center towers and killed nearly 3,000 people. When the visas were approved last summer, neither Atta nor Al-Shehhi was on terrorist watch lists maintained by U.S. intelligence agencies.

But for the INS, the delay in notifying Huffman about the visa approvals was an embarrassing reminder of the inefficiency that has long plagued U.S. immigration offices. Critics say such problems made it particularly easy for foreign terrorists to enter the USA.

''I was surprised to see the letters,'' says Dekkers, whose school was under no legal obligation to verify the immigration status of the students. ''I didn't know when they walked in the door (that Atta and Al-Shehhi) were the animals and beasts they proved to be.''

INS officials say the letters sent to the flight school should have been stopped once authorities realized that Atta and Al-Shehhi were among the suicide terrorists. They acknowledge that such glaring mismanagement of documents underscores the need for the U.S. government to improve its tracking of immigrants.

''Perhaps this embarrassing situation will emphasize the importance of getting a computerized (document) system on line,'' INS spokesman Russ Bergeron said Tuesday, referring to a $34 million system scheduled to be in place soon.

The journey of the hijackers' INS paperwork began in August 2000, when the two men applied to change their visa status from tourists to students in preparation for classes at Huffman. INS records indicate that Atta, a 33-year-old Egyptian, was approved for a student visa on July 17, 2001. Al-Shehhi, 23, of the United Arab Emirates, was approved on Aug. 9, 2001.

Letters of approval were mailed to both men at addresses in Florida. But according to INS procedure, copies of student visa papers are issued to schools only after the INS updates its computer records from the information contained on the original documents -- in this case, the visitors' visas that had been held by Atta and Al-Shehhi.

The papers sent to Huffman last week had been at a document processing facility in London, Ky., where contractors for the INS have been updating the agency's records and reducing a backlog of tens of thousands of visa applications.

Bergeron says the contractors in Kentucky were never told to cancel delivery of Atta's and Al-Shehhi's papers. He said the records do not indicate any attempt by the hijackers to circumvent the immigration system. Rather, the men's attention to detail reflects what authorities view as their effort not to attract attention as they prepared to attack.

Dekkers said the INS papers brought a strange sense of relief. ''It's important that people know that we didn't do anything wrong here,'' he said. ''We couldn't know who these people were. The government didn't appear to know, either.''

[Gordon Claunch]

Friends,
>
>
>
>
> This past weekend, I was rushing around in Houston,Texas trying to do
> some Valentine's Day shopping done. I was stressed out and not
> thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold,
> and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up. I noticed that
> I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my
> breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching
> the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The
> crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He
> was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged
> flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly
> enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking
> that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.
> He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family.
> He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he
> was nine years old. His Mother was poorly educated and worked two
> full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.
> Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars
> to buy her children some Valentine's Day presents (since she didn't
> manage to get them anything on Christmas).
>
> The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her
> second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his
> siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even
> entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar
> bills and disappeared into the night.
> "Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did."
> "And nobody came to help you?" I queried. The boy stared at the
> sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I
> inquired.
>
> The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
>
> I realized! that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy
> cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
>
> Happy Valentine's Day everyone!
>
> Signed,
>
> Kenneth Lay
> Enron CEO
>

[CobraDan]

Throw out non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
If you really need a grouch, there are probably a few dozen of your
relatives to do the job.
Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening ...whatever.
Just never let the brain idle.
Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young...
that is all that you can afford. When they are in college...
that is all that you can afford. When they are grown and you are on
retirement...
that is all that you can afford!
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive
laughter.
The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life is ... ourselves.
Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes,
music, plants, hobbies ... whatever. Your home is your refuge.
Cherish your health. If it is good ... preserve it.
If it is unstable ... improve it. If it is beyond what you can
improve ... get help.
Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign
country... but not guilt.
Tell the people you love, that you love them ... at every opportunity.
Remember ...
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.

[Dave Samson]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor."

"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

[CobraDan]

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, ATF, etc...
Now Congress is considering a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."
Can't you see it now? The new agents in their black uniforms with the initials in large white letters across their backs?
FATASS

[chopper]

A blonde is hiking up through the woods when she comes to a stream. It's not too widebut she doesn't want to get her new hiking boots wet, so she walks upstream, hoping to find a bridge across the water. After a short walk, she spies another blonde standing on the far bank. She calls across the stream and asks "How do I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up and down the stream and answers "You already ARE on the other side."

[Trans-Am Jim]

A couple had been married for 20 years, but every time they had sex the husband insisted on turning out the lights. Eventually the wife decides this is stupid. So, one night while they were in the middle of the act, she turned on the table lamp. She looked down at her husband and was horrified to see he was doing her with a large dildo.

‘You impotent son of a b---h,’ she screamed, ‘how the f--k could you lie to me all these years? Explain yourself and it better be good.’

He looked her straight in the eyes and said, ‘I’ll explain the dildo if you explain the kids.’

[Dave Samson]

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had
nothing to play with.


2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.


3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.


4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."


5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.


6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.


7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.


8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.


9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.


10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."


11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.


12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.


13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said," I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."


14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.


15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.


16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."


17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.


18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.


19.Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.


20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.


21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

[Hotfingrs]

Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a
> lighter so he asked Ole for a light.
>
> "Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his
tackle
> box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
>
> Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??
>
> "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."
>
> "You haff a genie?" Sven asked.
>
> "Ya, sure, he's right here in my tackle box," said Ole.
>
> "Could I see him?"
>
> Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. His friend says "Hey
dere!
> I'm a good friend of your master.Vill you grant me vun vish?"
>
> "Yes I will," the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks and the
> genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there waiting
> for his million bucks.
>
> Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying
> overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not
> Ducks!"
>
> Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do
yew
> really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?
>

[Hotfingrs]

Students at a Med School were receiving their first
> > > > anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are
> > > > all gathered around the surgery table with the body
> > > > covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started
> > > > the class by telling them:
> > > >
> > > > "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important
> > > > qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is
> > > > necessary that you don't get disgusted."
> > > >
> > > > The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger
> > > > in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then
> > > > stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.
> > > >
> > > > "Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his
> > > > students. The students freaked out, hesitated and
> > > > subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the
> > > > butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing
> > > > it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at
> > > > them and told them:
> > > >
> > > > "The second important quality is observation. I
> > > > inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay
> > > > attention people.

[CobraDan]

Original List (age 22):

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

Revised List (age 32):

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

Revised List (age 42):

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

Revised List (age 52):

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

Revised List (age 62):

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

Revised List (age 72):

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet