Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Traffic Cops

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres!!

So I called him a horse f_**ker. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes!

Anyway, after giving up with all the arguing, I walked over to my car that was parked around the corner and
drove off......




Two old men sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat.
"How are you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied
Richard.
"I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me."
"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said
George.
Richard yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times
in one night"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Women - You Know the Honeymoon Is Over When ...

15. Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the
blanket.
14. Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.
13. PMS lasts all month.
12. Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.
11. "Honey, what are you thinking?" is now "Are you finished yet?!"
10. He yawns when you ***** about that guy hitting on you at work.
9. Dildos, S & M, menage ... anything to break the monotony.
8. You used to walk hand in hand, now you run to keep up.
7. Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.
6. Two weeks no orgasm.
5. Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't miss it.
4. When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.
3. You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator.
2. The way he breathes is getting on your nerves.
And the number one sign the honeymoon is over ...
1. You let one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears.
================================================== ===========
If a bra is an upper topper flopper stopper, and a jock strap is a
lower decker pecker checker, and roll of toilet tissue is a
super duper pooper scooper, what do you call a Japanese drummer boy
whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy Jappy, with a crap happy pappy!
================================================== ===========
How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
He stopped breathing.

Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground instead of the usual six
feet?
Because deep down, they are really good people.
================================================== ===========
A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good
Samaritan and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag
him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times.
When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls
down
four more times. They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your
husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"
==========================================
A Blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, and, sure
enough,
when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. She
becomes extremely angry. She opens her purse and pulls out the gun to
shoot him, but she's suddenly overcome with grief. She puts the gun up
to the side her head. Her boyfriend yells "Honey, don't do it." She
replies
"Shut up, you're next."
================================================== ===========
What's the definition of frenzy?
Two blind lesbians walking through a fish market.

Why don't blondes use vibraters?
It's too easy to chip their teeth.
================================================== ===========
A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20
years of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and
went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers.
She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a
short skirt to go with it.
She greeted her husband when he came home from
work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink. She slowly
spread her legs, and in a husky come **** me voice say's "Honey, would
you like some of this?"
The husband looks between his aging wife's legs and lets out his
breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what its
done to your ****in' underwear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




"It's got to be your ears!"
*
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to*
put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a
conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was
obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying
to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my
apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment;
she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off
completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and
solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone
coming? That was me."

[CobraDan]

A cute little blond girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says:

"Mummy, today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the
other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me:
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 !
That's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blond?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blond."

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says:

"Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other
girls only went as far as D, but listen to me:
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K!

"That's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blond."

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we
went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but
look at me!"

She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D at her mum. "Is
that because I'm blond, mummy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25."

[CobraDan]

What do you get when you cross a Donkey with an Onion ?
Most of the time you simply get an Onion with long ears..........
but every once in a while you may luck out ..............
and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes .....

[bonyhadi]

Stressed out today? Cheer up! Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier.

St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the
memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening
out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of
country western music.

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to
flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving
grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing
money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,
"You make me want to be a better person
... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of
spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant
buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the,
"Not now, dear, I have a headache,"
syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him
all weekend, saving the wife the time
and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the
dating pool.

















Martha Stewart VS. The Real Women!

Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
sugar cone to prevent
ice cream drips.

The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake,
you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet
up, eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in
the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in
the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking
pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there
won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's
still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt
for an instant fix me up.

The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad. Please
recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it
and you will eat it and I
don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the
refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites
over the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way:
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and
drink. You might still
have the headache, but who cares?

Martha's way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex
dishwashing gloves.They
give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip:

Martha's way #10:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into
ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way:
Leftover wine??????

[bonyhadi]

Well, not being terribly well-versed in what to do with
snake bites, I thought I'd at least present what not to
do, or what I think one shouldn't do.
1. Yell "BAD SNAKE!! BAD SNAKE!!" and attempt to stomp
on the snake in revenge
2. Apply a tourniquet and then cut off the leg
3. Set a signal fire in the middle of a dry prairie
4. Try to go after the babies in hopes of preventing
further propagation of the species
5. Run yelling and screaming towards the nearest
highway (if you can remember) "I've been bit!! I've
been bit!!" Discover 2 hours later that you've been
running in circles.
6. Lay down in a bed of flowers and take it like a (wo)
man.
7. Hold down the talk button on your 2 way radio--
someone's bound to hear your wailing at some point.
8. When you get out and you're laying in the hospital
bed, tell everyone that the little 6 inch baby rattler
was actually a 6 foot king cobra. Most people aren't
herpetologists, they'll never know the difference....











Good Questions?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going
to look up there anyway?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in
the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?








argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.
People know this, and steer clear of me at parties.
Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You, too, can win arguments. Simply follow
these rules:


Drink Liquor

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know
nothing about. If you're drinking some
health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the
hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large
martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information.
You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights
and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.


Make Things Up

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base
solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and
you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are
underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981
dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty
level."

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr.
Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford
Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say,
"You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."



Use Meaningless But Weighty-Sounding Words and Phrases

Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for
"I speak Latin, and you do not."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers
more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of
appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would
like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.


Use Snappy and Irrelevant Comebacks

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid
points. The best are:

You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters"
means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponent says: "Lincoln died in 1865."
You say: "You're begging the question."

OR

You say: "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponent says: "Liberia is in Africa."
You say: "You're being defensive."


Compare Your Opponent to Adolf Hitler

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring
Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like
something Adolph Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolph Hitler."

So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally
carry weapons.

[bonyhadi]

in two

A 50 year old man is playing golf one day. He gets to the fourth tee which is a 540 yard par 5. He hits an
incredible drive, 300 yards straight down the fairway. But,
the ball hits a sprinkler head and bounces into the woods.

Upset, the man walks down the fairway and into the woods where his ball has ended up.

Seeing he has about 240 yards left to the hole and pull out his 3 iron.

Attempting the muscle the shot the man swings as hard as he can. The ball hits a tree in front of him and
ricochets back and kills him.

He wakes up in heaven and Saint Peter stands there with a book. "I see your'e a golfer, any good?"

"Hey, I got here in two didn't I?"











This elderly couple is watching one of those television
preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends,
I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching
this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other
hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so
she places one hand on the television, and her other hand
on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television,
placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about
healing the sick, not raising the dead."












------------------------------------------------------------


My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you
procrastinate."

I said, "Just wait."
---Judy Tenuta



A tall, handsome Polish kid is helping a middle-aged
divorcee to her car with her groceries. As they get to the
parking lot, she smiles at him and says, "I've got an itchy *****."

He replies, "Well, you better point it out, lady. All them
Japanese cars look the same to me."











What do you call a drug ring in Dallas? A huddle.

Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving? The police.

Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field
anymore? It is a parole violation for him to associate
with known felons.

Doctors say because of Michael Irvin's broken clavicle,
it will be 6-8 weeks before he can videotape a teammate
having sex.

I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They
got rid of the refrigerator, so now they want a Coke machine.

The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium
is going to take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys
play better on "grass."

The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System" -"Yes
your Honor, No your Honor."

The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests,
5 convictions.

The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense,
so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran

How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring-
training? Studying the Miranda Rights.

[bonyhadi]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a
room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three
knots."

"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your
money back.

[kountzecobra]

1) It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
2) It is important to find a woman who makes good money.
3) It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex.
4) It is important that these three women never meet each other.

[bonyhadi]

ADVERTISEMENT



My Groups | Best-Adult-Humor2 Main Page



Here is a very simple little test comprised of four questions to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no
deliberating or wasting time. And no cheating.

OK... here we go... scroll down for the questions...





1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner in second place.

In which position are you now?










Answer:
If you answered that you're now first, then you're completely wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their place, therefore you're second. For the next
question try not to be so dim.




2: If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?










Answer:
If you answered second-last, once again you're completely wrong. Think about it...How can you over take the person coming last? If you're behind them then they
can't be last. The answer is impossible!! It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points. You would make a good weak link!!!





Anyway, here's another to try, don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember your replies must be instantaneous. Take heart! (that was the dictionary's
suggestion)

3 : Take 1000. Add 40.
Add another 1000.
Add 30.
1000 again.
Plus 20.
Plus 1000.
And plus 10.
What is the total ?











Answer:
5000??? Wrong again!
The correct answer is 4100. Try again with a good calculator. Today is clearly not your day! Although you should manage to get the last question right...







4 : Marie's father has five daughters:
1. Chache
2. Cheche
3. Chichi
4. Chocho
5. ????

Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?
Think quickly...you'll find the answer below...









Answer: Chuchu??? WRONG!!!!!
It's obviously Marie!!! Read the question properly!!!!!

You are clearly the weakest link!

GOODBYE!!!

[bonyhadi]

Blonde Moments!

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the
blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state
capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a
dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've
had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that
this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you

could do ...I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you.
What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N", she answered.

As the tour bus passed through a small Australian town a passenger noticed a sheep tied to
a lamp post.
He asked the driver what that was all about. 'Oh', the driver replied, 'that's the
recreation center.'





Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The
wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few
minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said,
"Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a
few days and out number them?"









One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who
among them was the most powerful.

"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down
swiftly at my prey."

"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only
fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."

"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with
a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."

Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest
and settled the debate by eating them all...
hawk, lion, and stinker.

[bonyhadi]

Three drunks are in a bar. First one says, "I'm the bravest in here."
His friends say, "Prove it."
He puts his hand on the bar and tells the bartender cut it off. Whack!
Off comes the hand.
The second man walks to bar. Yells out cut off my arm. Whack! Off comes
the arm.
The third man walks to bar, stands on a stool, pulls out his penis. The
bartender asks, "Do you want me to cut it off?"
"NO!" yells the man. "Just rub it it'll come off itself."
================================================== ===========
Your future depends on your dreams
So go to sleep !
*****
ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY
So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
*****
Work fascinates me
I can look at it for hours !
*****
G-d made relatives;
Thank G-d we can choose our friends
================================================== ===========
In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were
asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents
said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While
this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that
most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and
the other is cleaning.
================================================== ===========
These three guys walk up to a bar and are greated by a woman. The woman
says that in order for them to be able to get into the bar the lengths
of their dicks must add up to a foot. The first guy whips his out and
she measures it at 6 in. The next guy wips his out and she measures it at 5
inches. The last guy takes his out and she measures it at 1 in.
After they come out of the bar the first guy states how lucky they are
that he had such a long dick. The second guy says the same thing. The
third guy says that the other two should be especially grateful that he
had a boner.
================================================== ===========
A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party
in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside
and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly,
the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked,
"Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her
grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and
she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
And she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down
the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he
got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out
and suck them dry."
================================================== ===========
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
================================================== ===========
My blonde cousin was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she
saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT." After thinking for a
minute, she said to herself, "Oh, well!" and turned around and drove
home.
================================================== ===========
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes
off his clothes and starts wandering around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an
erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning
sweetly and says:
"Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies "No, what do you mean"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that
if I give you a erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she
then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel by the side
of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with
her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man
with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what
do you mean"
The Huge Man says: "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you
fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob
around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. The smiling naked receptionist
greets him: "May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500
joining fee."
Receptionist:"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you
only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a
month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other five per cent said
they didn't care - they would have married him anyway!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples:
Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a LovelyWalker"
Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs: "Bald Thing"
Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"
Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot YourFace"
Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
ABBA: "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harum: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles: "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
~!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Secrets to a happy marriage:
1. It is important to find a woman who cooks andcleans.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes goodmoney.
3. It is important to find a woman who likes to havesex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion. He said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," the doctor said. "How could your
wife's family give you highblood pressure?"He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Competition is sometimes hot and heavy between Barbershops.
One place put up a sign: "Why pay $20 for a haircut? We only charge $7.00."
Another store fought back: "$7 Haircuts Repaired Here"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Printed on my next T-Shirt -"Inside me, there's a thin woman trying to get out. But I can usually shut the ***** up with a Hot Fudge Sundae!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Diet time...
You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
You could sell shade.
You dance and it makes the band skip.
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
Your blood type is Ragu.
Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.
"In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a health food restaurant after a day at the office, sits down and orders a
nice big dish of brown rice and stir-fry veggies. He grabs a handful of peanuts from the
bowl on the counter by the cash register while he's waiting for his order, and as he starts
to chew he hears a voice say,
"That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"
Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see
anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more
peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears a voice, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They
look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at
his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little weirded out, he grabs
another handful of peanuts.
This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very
nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me
how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that? Am I GOING
CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies, "those are just the peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, ". . . they're complimentary !!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. A man answered the ad, but he was slightly skeptical. "What's the gimmick?" he inquired. "No
gimmick," the woman answered. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuff Meat...

A man and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat on the car.
Getting out, the boyfriend was about to start changing it when he spotted a cowboy sitting
on his horse, rolling a smoke. He told his girlfriend that he would make the cowboy change
the tire and for her to just wait there.
"Hey asshole, get down off of that horse and come over here and change this tire" he said.
The cowboy continued to roll the smoke and ignored him.
"Hey ****head, I told you to get over here and change this tire or I'm going to kick your
ass"
The cowboy looked at him and then said" I'll tell you what, fella". "I'm going to finish my
smoke. Then I'm going to get down off my horse, kick your ass, make you change that tire
while I screw your girlfriend and, I'm gonna make you hold my balls up out of the hot sand
while I do it".
As they were driving on across the desert, the girlfriend says "that cowboy was pretty
tough, wasn't he baby"?
"Naw, he wasn't so tough", said the guy. "Did you see him flinch every time I dropped his
balls in the hot sand?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This letter is being sent to you for we know that you are critically interested in your lawn. The spring season is now upon us. This is a fertilizer club and it will not cost
you a cent to join. Upon receipt of this letter, go to the top of the list and **** on the front lawn. You will not be the only one there so do not be embarrassed. Then
make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate good lawns.You will not get any money or checks, but within one week, if this
chain is not broken, there will be 9,216 people ****ting on your front lawn. Your reward will come later this summer, when you will have the greenest lawn in the
neighborhood.
Miss G. Fartilizer Fizzik
744 Running Loose Lane

Mrs. Harry Butt
235 Corn Cob Alley

Mr. A. Bigger Movement
89 Rectum Road

Mrs. Lucy Bowels
29 Bed Pan Court

Mr. & Mrs. Howie Fartz
276 Blow Road

Mrs. Opal Crap
1462 Enema Drive

Mr. Charles Syringe
2 Suppository Lane

Mr. Smelley B. Hind
476 Diarrhea Way

If you are constipated, please pass this along to your neighbor. Do not break this chain. One man did not give a **** and lost his entire lawn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
World's Thinnest Books

Politically Correct Jokes On The Internet

A Female's Guide To Logical Thinking
A Guide To Australian Etiquette
A Millenium Of German Humor
Anagrams Of The Word "A"
Bedouin Olympic Swimmers'
Behave Yourself' by David Letterman
Blind Dates That Worked Out Burger King
Items That Start With "Mc"
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Countries Where Socialism Is Successful
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Different Ways To Spell "Bob"
Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance
Everything Men Know About Women Favorite
Foreign Emigration Destinations Of The French
Feminists Worth Marrying
French Hospitality
French, 16 Year Old, Non-Smoking Virgins
Fun With Unix
George Bush: 'The Wild Years'
Good English Cooking
Good Norwegian Jokes
Household Uses For Plutonium'
How To Be A Successful Politician' by Jesse JacksonI
talian War Heroes
Jewish Sports Legends
'Life As An Air Traffic Controller' by Ray CharlesMarcel
Marceau's Greatest Speeches
Mike Tyson On Dating Etiquette
Mother Teresa's Guide To Erotic Pottery
'My Favorite Barbers' by Yassir Arafat
'My Life As A Woman' by Martina Navratilova
'My Life Without Michael' by LaToya Jackson
'My Thoughts' by Ronald Reagan
National Directory Of Irish AA Members
Olympic Athletes Who Think Sports Are Really Stupid
One-Legged Folk Dances
'On Human Rights' by Fidel Castro
Party Tricks With Boiling Lead
Proud Parents Of Rock Musicians
Public Political Activities during Franco's Government In Spain
Romantic Words Beginning With "X"
Scottish World Cup Successes
Sign Language For The Blind
Successful Applications Of Artificial Intelligence
Sylverster Stallone's Dramatic Acting Tips
The Genius Of Barry Manilow
'The Road To Lasting Economic Succes' by Boris Yeltsin
The Total Vocabulary Of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Things That Look Like An Apple, Taste Like An Apple, But Are Not An Apple
Things That Taste Better With Arsenic
Things You Could Buy At The World Artichoke Festival
Venezuelans Who Know Spelling
Vice Presidents With Really Good Ideas'
Why People Are More Important Than Animals' by Greenpeace
Young, single Males Speak Out Against Masturbation
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend Sue-Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set
chopsticks at our places.Sue-Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her
own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo
forests for throwaway utensils."
The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~


Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes
safe sex?

They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date,
and then stick her with the bill.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, a class of third graders from the city
was taking a field trip to the country to visit a
small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the
different kinds of animals on the farm.

So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the
difference between a rooster and a hen?"
"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl.
"Very good!" said the farmer.

Then the farmer asked another little girl,
"What's the difference between a duck and a
turkey?" "Well," replied the little girl, "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have
on Thanksgiving Day."



"Very good!" exclaimed the

farmer.

Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the
difference between a bull and a cow?"
"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city.
"Bulls smile when you milk them."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lied about the frequency of their encounters, so
he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone has had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled an auditorium with people, and went down the line, asking each
person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately
until he came to the last man in line, an elderly gentleman, who was grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed. But the therapist was surprised when the man says no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no.
"Twice a week?" "No."
"Twice a month?" "No."
The man finally said yes when the doctor got to "once a year."
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the elderly gentleman, "What the
heck are you so happy about?"
The gent answered, "Tonight's the night!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
They can't keep their calves together!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions...


1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, it's all that ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes
you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

10. Eat it??? It took me ten beers to get up the courage to screw it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kevin pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no cow in the
world worth five thousand dollars."

The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!" He lifted the
cow's tail, and Kevin saw that the cow had a snatch just like
a woman.

Kevin got back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to cry,
"It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a
snatch like a woman and it's worth $5000. And here I am, with
you, with a snatch like a cow, and you ain't worth ****!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[CobraDan]

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his
profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a
Set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is
worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set
"M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than
set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the
following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
Logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did
the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine
that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La
cuesta de producción es...

[Dream Master]

This really happened, 'cause my cousins next door neighbors' brother-in-laws' friend was there and witnessed it. And he swore it was true! I think. I could be mistaken. I guess


The Audubon Zoo in New Orleans had acquired a very rare species of gorilla, and her name was Priscilla.

Within a few weeks, she became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat.
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed their best employee, Boudreaux, working near her cage. Boudreaux, like most Cajuns, often bragged about how he could satisfy any female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.
Boudreaux was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Boudreaux scratched his head, looked at Priscilla and said he would have to think about it.
The following day, Boudreaux said that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"Firse," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her, no."

"Second... you must never told 'bout dis."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well da tird ting," said Boudreaux, "You gotta give me anutter week to come up with the $500."

[Dream Master]

I know this priest and he wouldn't lie. This really Happened, too, I think.

A new priest at his first mass was so
nervous he could hardly speak.
after mass he asked the monsignor how he
had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried
about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a
glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's
advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got
nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass,
he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet
his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the
late J. C

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are
not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick
the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was
knocked off his Donkey, don't say he was stoned
off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the
Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for
it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary
with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal
is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub,
yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy
pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a
Peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

[CobraDan]

1. Where did headlight dimmer switches used to be located?
a . On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor, left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle has holes in it. For what was
it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs.
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and would not produce
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside doors and milk would freeze, expanding
and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps
5. What method did women adapt to look as if they were wearing stockings
when none was available due to rationing during W.W.II?
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you could not
tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate-licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen hair cut into a flattop so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to
your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of string or twine
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11. What was the worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex?
a. A cold
b. VD
c. Cooties
12. I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey?"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A bomb
drill
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were
handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupils name on the top, to avoid failure
17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief licking the backs, which tasted like bubble
gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household
items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick on tattoos
18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the group who made the song Cab driver a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Zavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin

ANSWERS
1. b) On the floor, left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe,
took till the 60s to catch on.
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle
top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum.
5. b) Special makeup was applied followed by drawing a seam down the back of
the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring
around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Cooties.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an
A-bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get high.
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items
at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition
19. a) The all male, all black group, The Inkspots.
20. a) Tony Bennett and he sounds just as good today.

SCORING
17- 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted
with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.
12 - 16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.
0 - 11 correct: You are a sad excuse of a geezer.

[CobraDan]

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred
and Wilma Flintstone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coca-Cola was originally green.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks
like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested? A. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most
ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snoop
in your medicine cabinet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer
to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as
the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own
pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's
and Q's"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used
the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired
by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies
Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this
will try to lick their elbow.

[bonyhadi]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of
the background checks, interviews, and testing were
done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents
took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a
gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what
the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting
in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill
my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow,
and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rules for Stray Cats
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with, picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up or cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name, will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except on days ending in "y".
11. Stray cats allowed inside, will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to, jump up on or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture, but must sharpen claws on new .99 sisal rope cat scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan, with a three panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty Komfort Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers, except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk, near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk, when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyy-kmm4hb USING IT.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~`
The limousine was taking the beautiful, raven-haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat.
The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?"
The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off.
The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?"
He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day.
They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies.
That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second
daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter,"Why were you screaming last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true."
She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four old duffers are pounding their balls around the links
when a sudden thunderstorm pops up.
<ZAP>
A bolt of lightning kills all four in one stroke. Soon, they find
themselves at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter is all upset, papers flying in the air, "You guys
aren't supposed to be here yet. It's not your time! I'll
tell ya what...I can put you all back on Earth to finish out
your days, but you have to decide how. That is, everyone
down there already knows you're all dead, so I can't send
you back as who you were. Figure it out amongst yourselves
and I'll check back with you later."

Some time goes by and St. Peter returns, "Well, have you
decided how you want to go back?"

One of the golfers steps forward, "St. Peter, we've decided
that we all want to go back to earth as lesbians."

"LESBIANS!" St. Peter shouts, "why lesbians?"

"Well, sir, we all love to eat ***** and we wanna hit from
the red tees."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a ram is a ram, and an ass is an ass, how come a ram in the ass is a goose?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A distraught man goes to see a psychologist.
How may I help you? the doctor asks.
Doc, every night, I have the same dream. I'm lying in bed and a dozen women walk in and try to rip my clothes off and have wild sex with me.
And then what do you do? the shrink asks.
I push them away, the man says.
Then what do you want me to do? the shrink asks.
Break my arms!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A shapely female coworker walked into the lunchroom the other day sporting a tight white T-shirt with the word "GUESS" boldly emblazoned across the front.

I simply couldn't resist... I walked right up and said, "36C ?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?
A. A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man picks up a fat girl in a bar. He's been there all night drinking and now he just wants to get laid.

An hour later, they're busy shagging when he says, "Can we switch the light off?"

"Why dear?" she asks, "Are you shy?"

"No," he replies, "it's just that it's burning my ass!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Arab terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr.
Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
...There's a pause...
The second terrorist says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While traveling, Brett and I saved some money by staying in a cheap hotel.
Just as we were falling asleep, we heard the sounds of mattress springs and a banging headboard from the next room.
At first we were amused by the amorous couple.
After five minutes it had lost its charm.
After ten minutes we were a little annoyed.
After fifteen minutes, we were ticked off, as it was keeping us awake.
After half an hour we were incensed!
After an hour we were pretty damned impressed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to a new survey, 76 percent of men said what they look for most in a woman is a sense of humor and a good personality.
This was a survey published in 'Full Of **** Magazine.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From A Man's Point Of View:



If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys

I remember when I got married.
I remember where I got married.
But for the life of me, I can't remember why
I got married.

Women!
You can't live with them,
you can't do most positions without them.

There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
I never believed in Hell until I met you."


Q ~ Why are men so concerned about the size of their penises?
A ~ Because they should be

Known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's
lives almost better than they do. Why is this?

In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than
men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly
unconnectable pieces.

That, and they go through your **** while you're in the shower.

Did you know that the word ALIMONY is really a contraction?

It's short for "all my money"

The definition of irreconcilable differences?
When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.

Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3*" floppy


Anniversary

A couple had been married for thirty years.
On their anniversary they decided to
go back to the same hotel where they
had spent their blissful wedding night.

The husband was lying on the bed when
the wife came out of the bathroom
totally nude, just as she had done
thirty years ago. Standing seductively
before him, she asked, "Tell me, darling,
what were you thinking thirty years ago
when I came out of the bathroom like this?"

"I took one look at you and thought I'd
like to screw your brains out and
suck your boobs dry!"

"And what are you thinking now, baby?"
she asked huskily.

"I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it."



A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot
of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must
look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems
somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about
your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a
hermaphrodite."

The woman is confused. "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

"Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my G-d! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"

Jill went to the bank and applied for a loan.
"I want a loan, I'm going to divorce my husband."
"Oh, we don't give loans for divorces" the manager
says "We make loans for appliances, automobiles,
businesses, home improvements...."

Jill interrupts and says "Well, this is certainly a
'Home Improvement.'

[CobraDan]

It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door. When he opened it, he found a jackass standing outside, which immediately fell
over dead. Not exactly knowing what to do about the situation, he called the local Sheriff and told him about what was laying before him.
The sheriff couldn't resist jabbing at the Minister and said, "Pastor, I thought the first duty of the Minister was to bury the dead."
Without hesitation, the Pastor said, "No the first duty of the Minister is to notify the next of kin.