Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"Okay old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over
the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about
5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile,
is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters
running by. He grabs up his shotgun and boom, he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit, third gay rooster I
bought this month."

[CobraDan]

Poland's worst air disaster occurred
today when a small 2-seater plane
crashed into a cemetery this morning.
Polish search and rescue workers
have recovered 826 bodies so far,
and expect that the number will climb
as the digging continues into the night.

[bonyhadi]

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa
mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The
mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The
baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the
bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
MOLASSES!








Babysitting
-----------------------------------
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went
to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening.
"I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the
fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."












"What Do You Think?"
----------------------------------
A fellow took his talking dog to a show business talent agent, and the
dog told six or eight familiar old jokes, including a couple with French
and British accents.

"What do you think?" the dog's owner asked the agent. "We're gonna
make a fortune, right?"

"Well," the agent replied, "his delivery's all right, but his
material's weak."











What A Weigh To Guess
---------------------------------
Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital.
When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to
guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to
venture a number.

"Looks like 91/2 pounds," he offered confidently.

"This must not be your first," I said.

"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."

"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."











An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands
holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a
headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."












A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat
beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his
nails and moaning in fear.


"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.
"Omigod I've been transferred to Los Angeles, the second answered.
They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the
world, smugglers, aliens..."


"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in Los Angeles all my life, and
its not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your
own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as
anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said "Oh, thank
god. I was worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, I'll
take your word for it. What do you do for a living?
"Me?" said the first. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser Beer Truck."


















On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

- Two Italian men and one Italian woman - Two French men and one French woman - Two German men and one
German woman - Two
Greek men and one Greek woman - Two English men and one English woman - Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian
woman - Two
Japanese men and one Japanese woman - Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman - Two Irish men and one Irish
woman - Two
American men and one American woman


One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following
things have occurred:


* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman
pregnant in order to supply
employees for their store.

* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if
sex is in the picture because it
gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English
aren't having any fun.

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains
relentlessly about her
body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do,
the necessity of fulfillment, the
equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated
her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and
why didn't they bring a goddamn
cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the
middle of friggin' nowhere so she can
get her nails done and go shopping...










Three aspiring psychiatrists attended their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from the University of Texas, "What
is the opposite of Joy?

"Sadness," responded the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the student from Harvard.

"Elation" was her reply.

"And you, sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, that would be giddy-up."










In Pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name:
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on.

The US Federal Drug Administration has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and has announced that is
has settled on Mycoxafailin. Also considered were
Mycoxaflopin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, and Alimpdixafixit, and of course, Ibepokin!!

[bonyhadi]

Top Ten Things NEVER To Say To A Woman During An Argument:

10. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"

9. "Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off."

8. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread."

7. "Wait a minute...I get it -- what time of the month is it?"

6. "You sure you don't want to consult the Great Oprah on this one?"

5. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."

4. "Whoa, time out, honey. Football is on."

3. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of ***** Flakes this morning."

2. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"

AND THE #1 THING YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT....
"Who are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between the 1960's and the 2000's?
A: In the 2000's, a guy goes into a drug store and shouts,
"Give me a box of condoms," and then *whispers* to the clerk,
"and thrown in a pack of cigarettes, too."

Q: What do you get when you try to cross an elephant with a poodle?
A: A dead poodle with a fourteen-inch asshole.

Q: What does a Jewish child molester say?
A: "Pssst, hey kid, ya wanna buy some sweets?"

Q: Why can't Italians roller blades?
A: They're wop-sided.

Q: What do you call a Mexican after a vasectomy?
A: A dry Martinez.

Q: What's the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging?
A: A sewing machine only has one bobbin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Counter-terrorism experts are now saying that Osama
Bin Laden may be hiding secret messages in pornographic
websites. You know what that means?
Clinton could find

this guy before Bush does."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

The Top 15 Differences If Everybody Knew Kung Fu

15> Then: David Letterman's camera operator hit by occasional
flying pencil.
Now: David Letterman's camera operator hospitalized
with a throwing star lodged in his skull.

14> Nerdy grade-schoolers bulking up since they always have
plenty of lunch money.

13> Conversations are a ***** to follow with everyone's
lips always out of synch.

12> Handgun Control, Inc. changes name to Hand Control, Inc.

11> David Carradine? Still the same bald-headed old wuss.

10> Drastic increase in hospitalized "This Little Piggie"-playing
grandparents.

9> Forced to rely on his acting skills, Jackie Chan slips
rapidly into a career in Asian porn.

8> With the added fight scenes, "Sleepless in Seattle" isn't
just a chick flick anymore.

7> Martha Stewart demonstrates the importance of fresh meat
by tearing the still-beating heart from a buffalo.

6> Annoying Jehovah's Witnesses dispatched with a simple
roundhouse kick.

5> "The Bob Newhart Show" Drinking Game: Everyone does a shot
whenever Bob beheads someone with a roundhouse
thunder-kick.

4> "Coffee refills are not free? Then taste my fists of death!"

3> In 2000 election, George W. Bush's conventional attack soundly
defeated by Al Gore's "crane technique."

2> "And now, singing our national anthem, the man who wrote it --
Carl Douglas!"


and The Number 1 Difference If Everybody Knew Kung Fu...


1> When a Triad drug lord burns down his father's noodle shop,
Bruce Lee exacts revenge through his practice of the exotic
but deadly art of "Civil Litigation."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[CobraDan]

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down
next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" "No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver,
who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get
to have sex with her!" "Yeah?", says the hippie.

"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in robe with a hood, put some of that luminous
powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed
as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the
nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes,
he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries.
"I am the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver! "

[bonyhadi]

HER HONEYMOON IS OVER WHEN...

You let one rip in your sleep
and don't care if he hears.

Talking dirty in bed means
shouting obscenities when he
hogs the blanket.

Chivalry's as dead as the
door he lets slam in your face.

PMS lasts all month.

Your jumbo box of absorbent
maxi-pads is on open display.

"Honey, what are you thinking?"
is now, "Are you finished yet?!"

He yawns when you ***** about that
guy hitting on you at work.

Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties
have become way too uncomfortable.

Two weeks no orgasm.

Three weeks no orgasm ... and you
still don't miss it.

When he lends you five bucks, he
expects it back.

You'd rather spend quality time
with your vibrator.








A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator
so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch
yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for
the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman
standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot
alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a
great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more
of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde
flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"





The Bird Question"

A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.

Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one
lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right,
the next question is worth one million dollars.
If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000.
Are you ready?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not
build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow,
C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."

Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"

Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who
Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam
here who needs your help to answer the one
million dollar question. The next voice you hear
will be Pam's..."

Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not
build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C)
cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."

Pam: "Are you sure?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the
$500,000 or play for the million?"

Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."

Regis:" Is that your final answer?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."

Regis: "You said C) cuckoo... And you're right!
Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION
DOLLARS!"

To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That
night they go out on the town. As they're sipping
champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her,"
Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo
that does not build its own nest?"

"Pam, it was easy," replies her (blonde?) friend.
"Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."







Sex Quotes





Tom Clancy: "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural wholesome things that money can buy."

Steve Martin: "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."

Drew Carey: "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty
damned good."

Woody Allen: "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good
hand."

Rodney Dangerfield: "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."

Rodney Dangerfield: "My wife said she'd like to have sex in the back seat of the car... and she wanted me to
drive."

George Burns: "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Lynn Lavner: "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

Harvey Korman: "Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building."










Did you hear about the constipated Mexican Ghost?
He was full of sheet.

Why are Jehovah witness women flat chested?
Everybody pushes them off their porch.
================================================== ===========
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew
what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands
up if they knew the correct sounds.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"
"Very good," replied the teacher.
"What sound do sheep make?"
"Baaaa," answered Billy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does
a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response.

She chose Little Tyrone at the back of the class. He stood up, took a
deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-****a!"
================================================== ===========
Guy explains to his doctor, "Doc, when I got up this morning, I put
on a pair of white gloves and started calling my wife Minnie.
Then on the way to work I couldn't help singing 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's
off to work I go', and when I got there I started calling everyone
Happy, Grumpy, Dopey and so on.

What's the matter with me?"

"That's easy," replies the doctor. "You're having Disney spells."
================================================== ===========
Confucius say,
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money"
================================================== ===========
Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady
answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars."

She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you
sex instead."

Johnny says, "All right."

He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the
biggest dick she's ever seen...

Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge
washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.

She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."

He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."
================================================== ===========
As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school
and finish grade five.
This is Mike's Ebonics homework vocabulary assignment.
He must use each new word in a sentence.

1. Catacomb
I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man,
somebody get that cat a comb.

2. Foreclose
If I pay alimony today, I got no money fore close.

3. Rectum
I had two Cadillac's, but my ***** rectum both.

4. Disappointment
My parole officer tol' me if I miss dis appointment,
they gonna send me back to the joint.

5. Israel
Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake."
He say, "Bull****, that watch is rael".

6. Undermine
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

7. Acoustic
When I was little, my uncle bought me a coustic
and took me to the pool hall.

8. Iraq
When we got to the pool hall, I tol' my uncle "i raq, you break."

9. Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her,
"Do you plan on stain for dinner?"

10. Fortify
I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "forti fy."
================================================== ===========
After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results.
"Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad
news for you."
"The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor.
"The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your
last exam."
"Great!" the man said, "What is the bad news?"
"It's malignant," replied the doctor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The blonde goes into the store and does her shopping. When she
finishes and returns to her car she discovers that she has locked her
keys in the car.

Finding no one to help she returns to the store in search of a clothes
hanger. After locating a hanger she goes back out to the parking lot
and carefully opens it up and proceeds to work on her door to get it
unlocked.
After a few minutes, she succeeds in opening the door.

When she gets home, beaming with pride, she tells her story to her
husband. She also reassured him that she was going to make sure she
was prepared for the next time.

She says: "I kept that hanger; I put it in the trunk."

[bonyhadi]

@ RESCUED COAL MINER'S A BIG POLITICAL NO-NO!!!
> Date: Tue, 13 Aug 2002 06:53:43 -0700
>
>
>
> A Senate Committee, composed of Senators Tom Daschle
> (D-SD), Hillary Clinton (D-NY), and Diane Feinstein
(D-CA), has announced that the rescue of the
> Pennsylvania coal miners has been cancelled, and the
> miners will, by recommendation of the Committee, be
placed back in the mine.
>
> The Senators noted the following violations in the
> rescue process:
> 10. Heavy diesel equipment was moved to the rescue
> site without concern for possible air pollution.
> > 9. Water was pumped out of the mine without first
> determining if it was polluted, or providing an
environmentally safe catchment area for the water.
> > 8. Numerous holes were drilled in the ground
> during the rescue, without first performing an
Environmental Impact study.
> > 7. No effort was made to ensure racial, ethnic,
> and sexual diversity of the rescue workers.
> > 6. The Republican Governor of Pennsylvania was
> heard to "Thank God" during a live television
broadcast of the rescue, violating the separation
> of church and state.
> > 5. Several people at this public, government
> supported, rescue effort mentioned praying.
> > 4. The trapped miners did not represent a
> diversified cross section of American society.
> > 3. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Hillary
> Clinton were not given
> > sufficient time to make speeches at the site. Bill
> Clinton was in Australia and also could not be
contacted in time.
> > 2. The Senate was not given sufficient time to
> determine whether or not any Republican officeholder
owned stock in the coal company, thus being
> > responsible for the conspiracy that caused the
> mine to flood.
> >
> > And Number 1....
> > No one mentioned that Al Gore invented mine
> rescues.
> >
> > "Once a proper diversified group of miners has
> been chosen and placed back into the mine shaft, the
holes will be sealed, the water will be returned
> > to the mine, and the rescue will then be
> undertaken again, in an environmentally and
politically correct manner", the Committee
> noted.
> >
> > Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) also suggested that, as
> he had experience, perhaps a "bridge" could be
constructed as a cheaper method of rescue.
> >











Strange...Very Strange
-----------------------------------
>From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on
a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."















Fidgeted, Whined, and Punched
----------------------------------
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier
41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched
with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young
children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled
parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the
father said. "Two round trip, three one way."










Checkout Redemption
---------------------------------
While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the clerk at the checkout
counter, I inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath
the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed, so I said to the her, "That's okay, it's
in coupon heaven now."

"Coupon heaven?", the checker said.

"Yes", I said, "That's where coupons go when they die."

"Only the redeemed ones, I'm sure!", said the checker.










Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

[CobraDan]

After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you."
"The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor.
"The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam."
"Great!" the man said, "What is the bad news?"
"It's malignant," replied the doctor.

[bonyhadi]

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows:
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Bad command or file name!
Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session.
Do you want to play another game?
Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch!
Shall I format your brain?"
This is a message from G-d: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
Keyboard not attached.
Press F1 to continue.
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
User Error: Replace user.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SHE'S GOT PMS IF...
1. She retains more water than Lake Superior.
2. She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
3. She buys me a new T-shirt with a "bulls eye" on the front.
4. She stops reading Cosmo and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
5. She's suddenly developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
6. She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semi-automatic and "chambers a round."
7. She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding her broom.
8. She buys $100 worth of chocolate and justifies it by saying "But honey, I just know it's one of the major food groups."
9. When I ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, "All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"
10. She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Caffeine-free Coke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THINGS PMS COULD STAND FOR...
Pass My Shotgun

Psychotic Mood Shift

Perpetual Munching Spree

Puffy Mid-Section

People Make me Sick

Provide Me with Sweets

Pardon My Sobbing

Pimples May Surface

Pass My Sweatpants

Pissy Mood Syndrome

Plainly; Men Suck

Pack My Stuff

Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

Potential Murder Suspect
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you
shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Survey Says... why men get out of bed in the middle of the night...
5% said to get a glass of water
12% said to go the toilet
And 83% said to get the hell out of there!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MOM'S BROWNIES
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.
Explain tokids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.
Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
FROSTING
Mix the following in saucepan:1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away-- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot.
Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GETTING OLDER
Are you lonesome tonight, does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?
Does your memory stray, to that bright sunny day
When you had all your teeth and your gums?





Is your hairline receding? Are your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her, and its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain... do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight ...
Is your blood pressure up, your good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit, metamucil to boot,
keeps you like a well oiled machine.







If it's football, or baseball...he sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at...but forgets what it's for.
So, your gall bladder's gone. But his gout lingers on.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

When you're hungry, he's not. when you're cold, then he's hot.
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light, he goes left, you go right.
Then you get his great symphonic snore.





He was once so romantic, and witty and smart.
How'd he turn out to be such a cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets, this is as good as it gets.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vacation is that time of year when you get away from the trials and tribulations of the office and enjoy some trials and tribulations with your own family.
Vacation is a time to get away and forget about everything. I know my kids always forget to go to the bathroom before we leave.
I find after most of my vacations that the boss is glad to have me back, almost as glad as the family is to send me back.
Vacation is two weeks where you get away from it all. Then you come back to find that "it all" just waiting patiently on your desk.
It's amazing how you can come back from a two week vacation and find six weeks worth of work on your desk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his
memoirs, and Hillary got $8 million
for hers.

That's $20 million for two people who for eight
years repeatedly testified they
couldn't remember anything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver
to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?," he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!," replied the lawyer.

He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."

But, sir, I have a wife and six children!," the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says:
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is
almost a foot tall."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money.
The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set
"C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the
following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the
number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees? There are no
wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2002:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit
margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es............
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
The Little Jewish Grandmother
A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus
and discovers that she doesn't have correct change for
the fare.The driver tries to be firm with her, but she
places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs,
"If you know what I had, you'd be nicer to me."
He caves in and lets her ride for free. She tries to push
her way down the crowded aisle,but people won't move
over for her.She finally places her hand delicately over
her chest and murmurs,"If you know what I had, you'd
be nicer to me."
The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down
the aisle.She gets to the back of the bus where there
are no seats and looks significantly at several people,
none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her
their seat.Once again she places her hand delicately
over her chest and murmurs,"If you know what I had,
you'd be nicer to me."
Several people jump up and insist that she sit down
and ride in comfort. A woman who had been watching
all this leaned over and said to her,"I know this is none
of my business,but just what is it that you've got?"
The little Jewish grandmother smiled and whispered,
"I've got chutzpah!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top 10 things to do to telemarketers!

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you
asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog
just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them
where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or
questions about their company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have
you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of
pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have
any friends ....would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask
if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry
you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just
give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them
if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them
back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their
HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering
you at home, right?"
The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
Say good bye -- and Hang up.

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
"Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

1. And first and foremost: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because
you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Well, this is not on the top ten list but I enjoy saying to them,
especially when they sound so "canned" and there's no
doubt in your mind that they are reading it, stumbling
right through it . . ."It's difficult to read it, isn't it?"

You don't dare ask them a question in the middle of
their spiel because they get lost and all messed up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN
CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN
SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his
breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN ITALY) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how
much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another
discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured
himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find
a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....

[CobraDan]

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?
"I brought a Walkman."
"And what is it for?"
"You can listen to music with it!"
"That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"
"I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
"Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!"
"Yes, I did. It's in the hall."
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
"It's a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."
"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"
"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"

[bonyhadi]

A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a
woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened
and he was informed that the woman had been bit by a bee and was having
a reaction.
"Where was she bit?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole," was
the reply.
He then replied, "Wow! She must have been standing right over the
hive."
================================================== ===========
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver.
The little kid starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow
I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continued with,
"If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a
little elephant."
The kid went on with several animals until the bus driver got angry and
yelled at the kid,
"What if your dad was a serial killer and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiled and said, "Then I would be a bus driver!"
================================================== ===========
An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on
his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to
know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of
course!"
"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the
theater."
The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his pants.

He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the
theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man
unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the
movie. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is
horrified. She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man
over here has just unzipped his pants!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh,
don't worry about it...you've seen one,
you've seen them all." Agnes says, "I KNOW...BUT THIS ONE IS EATING
MY POPCORN!!"
================================================== ===========
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted
all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the
doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my
husband."
================================================== ===========
One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the
head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry,
who?"

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as
'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the
'head hog at the trough'!"

To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to
the building fund...."

To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat
pig just walked in!"
================================================== ===========
Men are like ... soap operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like ... pillows
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
====================================
The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?
"I brought a Walkman."
"And what is it for?"
"You can listen to music with it!"
"That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"
"I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
"Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!"
"Yes, I did. It's in the hall."
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
"It's a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."
"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"
"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"
================================================== =====
A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago.
The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had
been found in the area.
The blonde exclaimed, "Wow I can't believe the dinosaurs would come
this close to the highway!"
================================================== ===========
Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.

What does a blonde do when someone says its chili outside?
She grabs a bowl.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

================================================== ===========
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they had found, the first little boy
called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said
the little boy. "Well, I can see that," the teacher said, "but what is
so exciting about a period?"

"Danged if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning, my sister
was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man
next door shot himself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Proposed New Florida State Mottos

~ If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

~ Home of electile dysfunction.

~ We count more than you do.

~ If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 out of here
and visit one of the other 56 states.

~ We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.

~ Relax, Retire, Re-vote.

~ Viagra voters do it again!

~ What comes after 17,311?

~ Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

~ This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

~ We don't just cheat in football.

~ We're number one! Wait! Recount!

~ So nice, we let you vote twice.

~ We put the *duh* in Florida.

~ This isn't good when Alabama counts faster than us!

~ Once is never enough!

~ We would do a recount but we've run out of fingers and toes!

~ Don't blame me, I voted for Gore. I think.

~ Don't blame me, my vote didn't count.

~ We're retired -- no wait -- we're retarded!

~ Don't count on us!

~ Home of the edible chad.

~ Bumbling better than ever!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Pornolize - porn for nerds http://www.pornolize.com/
============================================


SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...




1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross
================================================== =======


You're Not A Kid AnymoreWhen:
Your biggest concern about dancing is falling.Your back goes out more than you do.You no
longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.



You have a dream about prunes.You tell the barber to comb it over the best he can.Your Chihuahua weighs more than
25 pounds.You read the obituaries daily.Digestion is a consideration when reading a menu.

You are alarmed by how young your doctor is.You think about Walter Cronkite at least once a day.You wear knee high
stockings with everything.


Your idea of a perfect nightcap is Metamuscil.You find no humor in bladder control jokes.You can't climb a tree...even
with a ladder.You browse the bran cereal section in the grocery store.

You play golf with your wife.You don't like to drive after dark.Nobody ever tells you to slow down.

You recognize the song playing on this page,

you just can't remember the name of it.

=============================================

http://isfunsoft.myrice.com/swf/peeping.swf
http://isfunsoft.myrice.com/swf/peeping.swf
(Slide your mouse arrow over the people!)

TOO much information LOL
================================================== ========

[bonyhadi]

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer
approaches the car, he sees that the man is very anxious
about something.

"Good afternoon, Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"

"Yes, officer, I know I was speeding -- but it's a matter
of life or death."

"Oh, really? How's that?"

"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."

"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."

"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
=====================
Politics: A parrot that has swallowed a watch.
==========================================
The Top 13 Signs Your Motivational Speaker Is Depressed
(Part I)

13> He uses visualization techniques, but asks everyone to
visualize his funeral.

12> Tony Robbins: Ballroom at the Hilton
Your speaker: Men's room at the mall

11> His three-step motivational program consists of Valium,
Prozac and Zoloft.

10> His signature affirmation? "Ah, screw it."

9> "Everyone has the ability to make as much money as they want,
but first you have to get rid of that ***** of an ex-wife who
claims to need child support even though she now lives with a
power-stock broker in a house the size of Mount Rushmore."

8> Previous seminar topic: "10 Steps to a Better You"
Current seminar topic: "Who Gives a Rat's Ass?"

7> "Dammit, bartender, this glass is half empty again!"

6> During the break, she downs a dozen tequila shots and three
boxes of bon bons.

5> Spends half the seminar griping about how the zipper teeth
on his fanny pack have separated and his Fruit Roll-ups
keep falling out.

4> "These? These are tears of joy ... and ... and this is
a gun of happiness!"

3> Makes a noose out of the microphone cord while looking
upward for an exposed beam.

2> Invites participants to join him in licking hot coals.


and the Number 1 Sign Your Motivational Speaker Is Depressed...

1> "Okay, for our first exercise, you all will come up to the
podium and just KILL ME NOW!"

(Part II)

13> His seminar is titled, "Harnessing the Power of Self-Loathing."

12> Kicks things off by leading everyone in a group raspberry.

11> Keeps remarking how coffin-like the lectern is.

10> "Finishing last is okay -- as long as you don't make an utter
fool of yourself in the process. Trust me on this one, folks."

9> His wrists are bandaged and his suit has visible blood stains.

8> "The key to a happy and successful life? Don't marry a
soul-sucking, bank-account-draining minion of Satan."

7> "Think *inside* the box. The lined, wooden box. Or inside
the urn."

6> During the "fire walk," asks that you try not to disturb his
ex-wife's ashes.

5> Asks everyone in the audience to just stay in their seats
while he flips through his high school yearbook and sobs
softly.

4> Everybody gets a workshop kit consisting of a razor blade
and a fifth of Jack Daniel's.

3> After failing to catch you during a "trust fall," he replies,
"Welcome to the reality of life, pal."

2> Keeps reminding the audience that "can" is 50 percent of
"cancer."


and The Number 1 Sign Your Motivational Speaker Is Depressed...


1> "You can do it! You can make a difference! Well, good
for you, you smug bastards. I, on the other hand, am a
worthless loser."
==================
How You Undress Reveals Your Personality
(Psychiatrist Dr. Frank Caprio)

Haphazard Undresser: If you throw your clothes all over the house,
you are a friendly, life-of-the-party type. You are free with
your thoughts and opinions, not caring much about what others
think of you.

Meticulous Undresser: If you remove each piece of clothing and put
it away carefully, you are a serious person who likes life very
calm. You are comfortable with routine and you believe that
the best way to deal with life's problems is to prevent them
in the first place.

Socks and Shoes First Undresser: You are perfectionist, very shy,
observant, dependable, intense and think before making decisions.
You go about your tasks methodically, with concentration.
You know how to pay attention.

Slow Undresser: If you take off the shirt and ten minutes later,
get around to the pants, you are extremely self-confident,
intellectual, a deep thinker and don't like to be hassled.
Usually you like a lot of free time for yourself.

Fast Undresser: If you get out of your clothes as quickly as
possible, you are concerned about others and what they expect
from you but you're worried about your own needs. You are
family oriented and stay extremely busy.

Jewelry-Off-First Undresser: If you take off your rings, watch,
etc., before anything else, you are warm, thoughtful, sensitive
and romantic.

Never The Same Way Undresser: If you never do it the same way
twice, you are a very curious, interesting person and you enjoy
a broad range of activities. You take risks and enjoy fun and
adventure.
================================================== =========

[xlr8or]

Never under estimate the little old Lady....
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada
one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the
president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of
money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff
finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always
right!) The bank president ! then asked her how much she
would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out
of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how
she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're
carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of
bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid
bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to
take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000
that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since
there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with
me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a
mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no
way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the
president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:
"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and
the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The
little old lady peered closely at his balls and ! then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely
sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank
of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

[bonyhadi]

Black And White"

For older folks only - (Under 40? You won't understand.)

You could hardly see for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go. Pull a chair up to the TV
set, "Good night, David; Good night, Chet."

Dependin' on the channel you tuned You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June. It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train Superman,
Jimmy & Lois Lane.

Father Knows Best, Patty Duke Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too, Donna Reed on Thursday night-- Life looked better
in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white. Everything always turned out right. Simple people, simple lives Good
guys always won the fights.

Now nothing is the way it seems In living color on the TV screen. Too many murders, too much fight, I wanna
go back to black and white

In God they trusted, in bed they slept. A promise made was a promise kept. They never cussed or broke their
vows. They'd never make the network now.

But if I could, I'd rather be In a TV town in '53. It felt so good, felt so right Life looked better in
black and white.

I'd trade all the channels on the satellite If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody
knew wrong from right Life was better in black and white!










> HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
> Wine her,
> Dine her,
> Call her,
> Hug her,
> Support her,
> Hold her,
> Surprise her,
> Compliment her,
> Smile at her,
> Listen to her,
> Laugh with her,
> Cry with her,
> Romance her,
> Believe in her,
> Cuddle with her,
> Shop with her,
> Give her Jewelry,
> Buy her flowers,
> Hold her hand,
> Write love letters to her,
> Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
>
>HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
> Show up naked,
> Bring food.
_________________










"Black And White"

For older folks only - (Under 40? You won't understand.)

You could hardly see for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go. Pull a chair up to the TV
set, "Good night, David; Good night, Chet."

Dependin' on the channel you tuned You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June. It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train Superman,
Jimmy & Lois Lane.

Father Knows Best, Patty Duke Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too, Donna Reed on Thursday night-- Life looked better
in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white. Everything always turned out right. Simple people, simple lives Good
guys always won the fights.

Now nothing is the way it seems In living color on the TV screen. Too many murders, too much fight, I wanna
go back to black and white

In God they trusted, in bed they slept. A promise made was a promise kept. They never cussed or broke their
vows. They'd never make the network now.

But if I could, I'd rather be In a TV town in '53. It felt so good, felt so right Life looked better in
black and white.

I'd trade all the channels on the satellite If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody
knew wrong from right Life was better in black and white!









10 reasons to go to work nakeds:-

*

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep
them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your
blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human
Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on
your tan.

And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :

Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
ever again.

[bonyhadi]

> =============
>
> Updated accounting terms that they're teaching NOW in business schools:
>
> EBITDA: earnings before I tricked damn auditor.
>
> EBIT: earnings before irregularities and tampering.
>
> CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
>
> CFO: corporate fraud officer.
>
> NAV: normal Anderson valuation.
>
> FRS: fantasy reporting standards.
>
> P/E: parole entitlement.
>
> EPS: eventual prison sentence.
>
> BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
> himself for a financial genius.
>
> BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the
> wife gets no jewelery, and the husband gets no sex.
>
> MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
>
> VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
>
> P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market
> keeps crashing.
>
> BROKER - What my broker has made me.
>
> "BUY, BUY" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step
off
> the plane and the disappearance of your money.
>
> STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
>
> STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
>
> STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
> between themselves.
>
> FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs
to
> the 7-Eleven for toilet paper and cigarettes.
>
> MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
>
> CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.
>
> WINDOWS 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought
> Yahoo @ $240 per share.
>
> YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
> share.
>
> INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a
> nuthouse.
>
> PROFIT - Religious guy who talks to God
>

[bonyhadi]

> > Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on
food.
> > No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an old Jew
> > sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said "We're lost
and
> > running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food"?
> >
> > "Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down the other
> > side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
> >
> > "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
> >
> > "Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."
> >
> > The leader goes back and tell his people that if nothing else,
> > they might be able to find food on the other side on the next ridge.
> >
> > "So why did he say not to go there?" some of the pioneers asked.
> >
> > "Oh, you know those Jews - they don't eat bacon."
> >
> > So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.
> > Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader,
> > who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying
> > a "glassel tea."
> >
> > The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths!
> > We followed your instruction, but there was no bacon tree! There were
> > hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
> >
> > The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets
> out
> > an old English - Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
> >
> > "Gevalt,
> > I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree.
> > It vuz a ham bush."
> >

[bonyhadi]

Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers: Best one is last one

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE *****.
----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
-----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES:
PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT. BEEN OUT AWHILE.
BETTER BE A REWARD.
-----------------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE. ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED. ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
-------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
-------------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.
------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
-------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
-------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
---------------------------------------
(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last
weekend. Wife knows everything.

[bonyhadi]

Subject: Woodpeckers

A Pennsylvania woodpecker and a Virginia woodpecker were arguing
about which state had the toughest trees. The Pennsylvania woodpecker
said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Virginia
woodpecker challenged him and
promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Pennsylvania woodpecker was in awe. The Virginia woodpecker then
challenged the Pennsylvania woodpecker to peck a tree in Virginia
that was absolutely un-peckable.

The Pennsylvania woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it
and accepted the challenge. After flying to Virginia, the
Pennsylvania woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Virginia
woodpecker was able to peck the Pennsylvania tree and the
Pennsylvania woodpecker
was able to peck the Virginia tree when neither one was able to peck
the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.