Joke of the Day...

[Jamo]

Cobra Dan

Thanks--now I have something to sing in the shower...

[CobraDan]

Jamo,
Your welcome, I thought you might want to include them with your signature.

Dan

[Roscoe]

What does it take to turn a pig into a fox?





About three drinks.......

Roscoe

[CobraDan]

Dear Taxpayers:
The only thing that the Internal Revenue Services has not taxed is your pecker.
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is employed but operates in the hole.
Furthermore, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Accordingly, after March 1, 2002 your pecker will be taxed based on size. Using the "Pecker Checker Scale" below determine your size and category and insert the additional tax under two other taxes page 4, part V, line 61 of your standard tax form.
PECKER CHECKER SCALES
10 to 12 inches
Luxury Tax $50.00

8 to 9 inches
Pole Tax $25.00

6 to 7 inches
Privilege Tax $ 15.00

4 to 5 inches
Nuisance tax $ 5.00

Anyone under four inches is eligible for a refund; please do not ask for an extension.
Males with a pecker in excess of 12 inches should be filed under Capital gains. If unsure of your correct category call us at our office and we will send you a Peter Meter Reader.
Yours truly,
Your Tax Woman

[Hotfingrs]

For calling in sick


I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who
fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to
her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.
One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is
completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told
me to clean all the guns today.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that
deadline to meet....

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw
restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

[CobraEd]

Why is a woman like KFC?



Because after that succulent breast and tender thighs all your left with is a greasy box to put your bone in!!!!!

[CobraDan]

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, then
alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter... and supply a new
definition!
The winners:

1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.

4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.

6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)

9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

10) Glibido: All talk and no action.

11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

And, the pick of the liter(ature):

12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

[CobraDan]

Careful not to laugh to loud when reading this.

CALLING IN SICK:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am
lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.
By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast, I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!
The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.
It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.
Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects
she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the
second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a
violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried
to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I
kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.

[Hotfingrs]

Imponderables



Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on
the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real
lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible
black box is?


--

[Hotfingrs]

Heard Over the Airwaves:

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses.

We are please to have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!

Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move
about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we
land... it's a bit cold outside!

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately.

Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments.

As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and
seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
4 ways out of this airplane...

[Dave Samson]

There were three prostitutes living together: a mother,
a daughter and a grandmother. One night the daughter
came home looking very down.

"How did you do tonight, dear?" asked her mother.

"Not too good." replied the daughter, "I only got 20 dollars
for a blow job."

"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day, we were glad to get 5 dollars
for a blow job!"

"Good God!" said the Grandmother, "In my day, we were glad
to just get something warm in our stomachs!"

[CobraDan]

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said ... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king' She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen.'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

4) Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the Hallway light on.

and the number 1 "He said...She said"..

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[ERA535]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I not come work.”
The boss says, “You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

[CobraDan]

Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies.
A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns
while they wait for the doctor.
A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins
to masturbate him.
Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you doing?"
To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have
a clean procedure."
Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she
completes her task.
The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him is
quite ready for his turn.
To his surprise, she drops to her knees,
opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job.
The first man says, "Hey, what is this?
Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?"
The nurse says, "That, sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue
Cross."

[CobraDan]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down,a man
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't
been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[ERA535]

A sailor has sex with a Hong Kong hooker and a week later he goes to a doctor because his penis has turned yellow, purple and green. The doctor takes a look and says, "Well, it's pretty bad. We'll have to amputate." "No way!", says the sailor. He runs out and thinks, "Hmm... Chinese girl - Chinese doctor."
So, he goes to Chinatown and finds a Chinese herbalist. The herbalist takes a look.

The sailor says, "Hey doc, the previous doctor said he'd have to amputate."

Chinese herbalist said, "Oh no. No need amputate. Two - three days - fall off all by itself!"

[Chad Johnson]

Irish

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints
of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pints
goes flat after I draw it, would taste better if you bought
one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in
Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink
this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink
one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves
it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and
always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks
them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other
regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but
I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light
dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just
fine," He explains. "It's just that me wife had us join
that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected me brothers though

[Dave Samson]

Everyone seems to be wondering why the Arab terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's see now:

No booze.
No bars.
No television.
No Internet.
No organized sports, stadiums, tailgate parties. (Actually, no
tailgates.) No Hooters. No meat from a pig. Sand everywhere and not a dune buggy insight. Ever try to fish at an oasis? Rags for clothes and hats. Eating only with your right hand cause you wipe your a$$ only with your left. (Like life isn't complicated enough already).
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and no doctors. No music, no radio, you can't shave.
You can't shower, Bar-B-Q donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else.

Oh, and then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! Who wouldn't go for it?

[CobraDan]

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair
with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the
same as putting it in. You're not to go near
that woman again. Now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor
box. He pauses for a moment and starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over and says, "I saw that!
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up
against it, and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

[mr0077]

There was this guy who wanted to get married to a naive, innocent virgin. He dated and dated, but could never find one, until one day he found a girl who seemed to know nothing about sex. He kept trying to get her to go to bed with him, but she always said "Oh, no, I could NEVER do that until we're married." He finally asked her the big question, she said yes. A few months later they got married. On their honeymoon she got ready first. She got into the bed and waited while he went to the bathroom to get ready. After a short while, he came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around himself. He walked over to the bed and dropped the towel. She saw him nude for the first time, pointed at his manhood and said "Eewww, a wee-wee!" The man thought "Oh, this is going to be just what I've been looking for, she doesn't know a thing about sex!"
He said to his new bride, "Honey, this isn't called a wee-wee, its called a cock", to which she replied, "No, I've seen LOTS of cocks, that's a WEE-WEE!"