Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.

10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea.

11. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox, asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

14. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

17. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

19. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

20. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

21. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

23. You're reading this.

[ERA535]

So this lady has her Lab retriever in to the vet and she's complaining that he's always humping her.......

well the vet interrupts her and says no problem, we'll simply neuter him and that will solve your problem!

The lady says 'No, no - I want your to trim his dew claws, they're scratching the hell out of me!




Thanks to Jamo for the inspiration for this one.....

[ERA535]

Three guys are at the pearly gates explaining to St. Peter how they died and why they should be let into heaven.

The first guy says "I am a travelling salesman and I got home early from a trip and went into my apartment and there was my wife lying naked and sweaty on the bed - I saw the window was open and I'm no fool so I ran to the window and looked down and saw this guy lying on a fire escape landing a few floors down naked! I was so angry that I pushed our refrigerator out the window onto the guy hoping to kill him, but unfortunately I tripped and fell out the window with the refrigerator-- and that's how I died! St. Peter told him he could go into heaven.

The second guy says ' I usually lie on the fire escape landing to get a tan, well I was lying there and some idiot throws a refrigerator out of his window onto me and thats how I died.
St. Peter tells him he can go on to heaven and then turns to the third guy and asks him how he died.

The third guy says ' I dunno, I was just sitting in this refrigerator minding my own business!!........

[Jamo]

ERA 543

So my wife comes up behind me while I'm reading your post on the Buddy thread--says let's see what his joke is. So as I'm moving over here I'm explaining how you're on the trip to SLC--then we read the Lab joke...

[ERA535]

[CobraDan]

10. Overweight? Get up off your knees and come see us.

9. Stop looking like fat white trash! Start looking like thin white trash!

8. Who cares about morality when you look good?

7. Our meals aren't hard to swallow.

6. Our choice of spokesperson is as tasteless as our food.

5. You'll look so good, all the married men you know will want to commit adultery.

4. We solemnly swear you'll lose weight...but it depends on your definition of "lose."

3. Monica says, "Mmm mmm," but that's usually all she can say.

2. Desiree Brown wanted too much money, so we had to hire Monica.

1. We got Monica to lose weight, and you all know that she'll eat anything.

[ERA535]

Three guys are fishing when Bob gets up to get a
beer, loses his balance and falls out of the
boat. Pete says " What should we do?"


Andy says, "You better jump in after him, he's
been under water for a while, he might need
some help."


So Pete jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces.
He says, "Help me get him in the boat."


They wrestle Bob back into the boat.
Pete says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like
he's breathing."


Andy says, "Give him mouth to mouth."


Pete starts to blow air into Bob's mouth and says,
"Whoa, I don't remember Bob having such bad
breath."


Andy says, "Come to think of it, I didn't think
he was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."

[Dave Samson]

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gate Saint
Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records
Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said,
opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell
on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the
keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't
resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.

Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll
go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again,
the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more
furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy
one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his
keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy,
having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed
up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for
his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong,
it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he
finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing
his ass off.

"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks.

"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The
devil replied.

[CobraDan]

So you want the day off.
Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 251 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours a day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 81 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, that accounts for 23 days a year leaving 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available.

You normally spend 2 days sick per year, this now only leaves you 20 days available.

You get 5 days public holidays a year, so your working time is now down to 15 days a year.

We generously give you a 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work.

So if you think you are going to that day off, You out of your mind!!!

[Dave Samson]

Son: "Daddy, what does a vagina look like?"

Father: "Well son, it's like a very pretty, delicate flower that
must be plucked very gently."

Son: "Well what does it look like after you pluck it?"

Father: "Like a bulldog with a mouthful of mayonnaise."

[Jamo]

Oh sh!t--that's it! We found the absolute bottom.

[Dave Samson]

Nah, I'm sure you can go lower than that Jamo.

[CobraDan]

1. The check is in the mail.
2. I'll respect you in the morning.
3. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
4. It's only a cold sore.
5. You get this one, I'll pay next time.
6. My wife doesn't understand me.
7. Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
8. Of course I love you.
9. I am getting a divorce.
10. Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
11. I never inhaled.
12. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
13. I never watch television except for PBS.
14. ...but we can still be good friends.
15. She means nothing to me.
16. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
17. I gave at the office.
18. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
19. I'll call you later.
20. We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
21. Read my lips: no new taxes.
22. I've never done anything like this before.
23. Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.
24. It's supposed to make that noise.
25. I *love* your new _____!
26. ...then take a left. You can't miss it.
27. Yes, I did.
28. Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.

[ERA535]

Taste or something prevailed.

[CobraDan]

Gary Condit, while relaxing at his tropical hideaway, found a bottle on the beach. When he picked it up Chandra Levy rose from the
bottle in a purple haze.
"Master, may I grant you a wish?" the beautiful purple genie asked with a smile.
"Don't you know who I am? I don't need you to help me now!" barked Condit.
Chandra pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."
Gary thought for a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, said, "Okay, okay, I want to wake up with three women in
my bed in the morning, now go away and leave me alone!!"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle.
The next morning, Condit woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no health insurance.

[CobraDan]

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance-level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

[Jamo]

ERA 2.4

That's it--we're strapping your a$$ to the roof rack!

[BT SNAKE]

Well what do you know !!!, they are the size of golf balls !
But a corporite ociffer...I don't think so...

Hersh

[BT SNAKE]

A madame who managed to keep he good looks at forty and run
her business decided to sell, now that she was extremely
wealthy. She had one dream and that was to find a forty yr old
male virgin to fall in love with and marry. She Hired people
across the globe to find such a person. After several months
with no luck she recieved a call from Her hired PI in Australia.
He explained to her that he had found the perfect match. The
gentleman was a truck driver and he had never made love to a woman. So she flies over to Australia and meets the truck driver.
They fall madly in love and decided to get married and spend their honeymoon in the most luxurious hotel in Sydney. Once in the suite, she told him to wait here and she was going into the
bathroom and get ready for him. After an hour she returned
into the room and found her new husband standing in the
middle of the room with no clothes on and all the furniture
was piled up in the corner. She was totally shocked at this and
asked "What the heck is going on?"
The husband looked at her and says " It's true that I have never
made love to a woman but if it's anything like making love to a
kangaroo you need all the room you can get !

Hersh

[Hotfingrs]

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. Sits down and orders a drink.

A few minutes later the monkey walks over to the hard boiled egg jar and takes one out and eats it.

The bartender protests to the patron, " did you see what your monkey did?" The owner says he's always putting things in his mouth and eating them.

A little while passes and the monkey goes over to the pickle jar, pulls out a pickle and eats it.

Again the bartender protests to the owner.

After a little while the monkey goes over to the pool table, picks up the cue ball and eats it. Now the bartender is really upset.

So the patron and the monkey leave.

About a week later then man goes back into the bar with the monkey. The man orders a drink.

After a few minutes the monkey goes over to the marichino cherry jar, takes one out and sticks it up his ass. He then pulls it out of his ass and eats it.

The bartender tells the patron that is the most disgusting thing he has seen

The patron tells the bartender, that ever since he ate the cue ball, he checks the size on everything now