Joke of the Day...

[Jamo]

AIRPLANES
>
>
> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
> make the in-flight
> "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit
> more entertaining.
> Here are some real examples that have been heard or
> reported:
>
> ******
>
> On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
> attendant crew,
> the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
> cruising altitude
> and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
> your comfort and
> to
> Enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>
> ******
>
> On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
> take all your
> belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
> make sure
> it's something we'd like to have."
>
> ******
>
> "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
> are only 4 ways
> out of this airplane."
>
> ******
>
> "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
> hope you enjoyed
> giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
> for a ride."
>
> ******
>
> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
> Washington National,
> a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
> fella. WHOA!"
>
> ******
>
> After a particularly rough landing during
> thunderstorms in Memphis,
> a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
> announced, "Please take care
> when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
> landing like
> that,
> sure as hell everything has shifted."
>
> ******
>
> From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
> Southwest Flight
> XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
> tab into the
> buckle,
> And pull tight. It works just like every other seat
> belt; and, if you
> don't
> Know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out
> in public
> unsupervised."
>
> ******
>
> In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
> masks will descend
> from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
> pull it over your
> face. If
> You have a small child traveling with you, secure your
> mask before
> assisting
> With theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
> small child pick
> your
> favorite.
>
> ******
>
> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
> broken clouds,
> but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
> Thank you, and
> remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
> Southwest
> Airlines."
>
> ******
>
> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,
> in the event of
> an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and
> take them with
> our compliments."
>
> ******
>
> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks the
> overhead area.
> Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
> before assisting
> children... Or other adults acting like children."
>
> ******
>
> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
> your belongings.
> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
> the flight
> attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
> ******
>
> And from the pilot during his welcome
> message: "Delta airlines is
> pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in
> the industry.
> Unfortunately,
> None of them are on this flight!"
>
> ******
>
> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
> landing in Salt
> Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom
> and said, "That was
>
> quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm
> here to tell you
> it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
> fault, it wasn't
> the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
>
> ******
>
> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
> Amarillo, Texas, on a
> particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
> approach, the
> Captain was really having to fight it. After an
> extremely hard landing,
> the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
> welcome to Amarillo.
> Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
> fastened while the
> Captain
> taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
>
> ******
>
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
> perfect landing:
> "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
> bounces us to
> the terminal."
>
> ******
>
> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
> flight he had
> hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
> airline had a policy
> which required the first officer to stand at the door
> while the
> Passengers
> exited, smile, And give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ
> airline." He said
> that,
> in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
> the passengers
> in
> the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
> comment. Finally
> everyone
> had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
> with a cane. She
> said,
> "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"
> said the pilot.
> "What is
> it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we
> shot down?"
>
> ******