Jokes

[bliss]

Food for thought....

People who live in glass houses should
make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no
way you're going to like it.

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow
it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than
in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double
and feel single.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching
in every joint, you are probably dead.

The only two things we do with greater
frequency in middle age are urinate
and attend funerals.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll
have thousands of old ladies running around
with tattoos?
_____

[letsboogie351]

my memory is so bad it really sucks. So I changed my password to "incorrect"
Now when I log on with the wrong password the computer will tell me........."your password is incorrect"

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A guy asked a girl in a library: Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl answered with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and she told him: I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?

The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ear: I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"

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The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one
of her eleven year old students. Taking him aside after class
one day, she asked, "Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so
poor lately?"

"I can't concentrate," replied the boy. "I've fallen
in love."

"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge
to smile. "And with whom?"

"With you," he answered.

"But Johnny," exclaimed the secretly please young
lady, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like
a husband of my own someday; but I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," said Johnny reassuringly. "I'll be
careful."
_____

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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Border Collie: Just One. And then I'll replace ALL the wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach the stupid lamp.

Rottweiler: Make Me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh Me, me me, PLEEEEEEEEZE let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I, PLEEEEEEEEZE, PLEASE PLEASE?

German Shepard: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell: I'll just pop it in while I am bouncing off the walls.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo Quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there--RIGHT THERE

Greyhound: It isn't moving, who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear, and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Terrier: Let me bark at it for a while to see if it really needs changing.
_____

After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my hearing impaired friend.

He was busy painting his penis with a black marker.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

[letsboogie351]

Longest Nerve In The Body

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that

connects the eyeball to the anus?


It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving

people a sh*tty outlook on life.


If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your arse

and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

[bliss]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

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"Go and have a look at the size of the poop I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.

"No thanks," she replied.

"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it."

She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."

I said, "It's on the scales."
_____

Some inspiration....

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Ever considered sitting in the front few rows of a plane?

[letsboogie351]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"



"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"



"I ain't stickin my head in that hole! Pa yells back.

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."



So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"


Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"



To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"

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Driving in Russia

I spent some time at my wife's grave earlier. She's not dead - she thinks I'm digging a pond.

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Could someone explain - what's going on here?

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He said...Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey; I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said..."This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said...It's not my fault...I ran out of money

He said...Since I first laid eyes on you; I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
_____

[bliss]

Note from HR......

In the past employees were permitted to make trips to the toilet under informal guidelines.

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's toilet time, thereby ensuring equal toilet time for all employees.

Under the policy a "TOILET TRIP BANK" will be established for each employee. On the first day of each month, employees will be given twenty toilet trip credits. These credits may be accumulated!

Within two weeks, the entrance doors to all toilets are to be equipped with personnel Identification Electronic Stations (PIES) and computer linked with voice print recognition devices.

Before the end of the month each employee must provide two (2) copies of his/her voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the personnel department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the rest of the month. When installed, employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this commissioning period.
If and employee's toilet trip bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the toilet will not unlock for that employee until the first of the next month.

In addition, all toilet bowls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors.

If the toilet is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the toilet door will open.

If the toilet remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will be posted on the noticeboard. Anyone whose picture appears any more than three (3) times will have cause for instant dismissal.

If you have any questions regarding this policy, please discuss with your personnel officer

[letsboogie351]

The Hospital's Fault?


A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "the man was admitted to Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight" ...

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