The POOL ROOM

[letsboogie351]

A chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant

"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.

"You f----kn idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives"

"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too f---kn scared to cough"

[Rog246]

These are apparently actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."


6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."


13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.

[Rog246]

Politically IN Correct



# I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – Is that spooky or what?



# I'm about to take part in the Great Bankstown Run. It's not an official race - you just stand in the middle of the shopping centre & shout "Allah is a ****wit" & then off we go….!



# A government survey has shown that 75% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can get back to seeing their own doctor.




# I got sacked from my job as a Bingo Caller.
Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view." is not the way to call number 69.

# I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom……it makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex.

# Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning Lotto..!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror - we had six matching balls...!

# Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).

# Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker…!

# Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. Geeze, I love my new taser!

# Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Lakemba.

# If you get an email telling you that you can catch 'swine flu' from tins of ham then delete it - it's spam.

# They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this 'beer gut'.