Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

Jay and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter morning while listening
to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going
to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even
numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We
are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get
through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...",
then the electric power goes out.
Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what
to do."
Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

A little winter joke for all you snowbirds that actually stay north for the winter, and another blonde joke.

[shelby (uk)]

A man was leaving a cafe after his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull dog on a leash. Behind him was queue of about 200 men or more walking in single file. The man couldnt stand the curiosity, so he respectfully approached the man walking the dog, I am so sorry for your loss, and i know now is a bad time to disturb you, but ive never seen a funeral like this, whos funeral is it? The man replied, "Well that first hearse is for my wife" What happened to her? The man replied " my dog attacked and killed her" he enquired further, "well, who is in the second hearse?" the man answered, "my mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her"
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"can i borrow the dog?"
"join the queue"

[mr0077]

A guy, his wife and daughter were driving down the road on vacation. They were in a great mood. Just then he saw a guy at the side of the road, with his car broken down. His wife said, "Honey, let's stop and help that guy." So, the guy stopped, got out and walked over to ask the fellow what was wrong. The guy said "This ain't yer lucky day", pulled out a gun and told the man to take off all his clothes. He then tied the man's wrists to his ankles, grabbed his wife and raped her, then raped his daughter, while the man watched! The guy then pulled all the man's stuff out of the trunk and threw it on the ground, pushed the man over onto his side, threw the wife and daughter into the car and drove off, with the wife and daughter getting all cozy with the guy!
Well, by this time, the man was really feeling down. He struggled to his feet, and was hopping down the road, trying to figure out what to do, when he heard an 18-wheeler pull up and stop. He hopped around, and saw the trucker coming over. The trucker asked him what happened, and the man told him the whole sad story. The trucker thinks for a second, then walks toward him, pulling down his zipper, and says, "This just ain't yer lucky day..."

[CobraDan]

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together.
The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan.
You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash.
Do you understand the plan?" "Perfectly," said Buffie.
Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

[ERA535]

Math

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence

and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with

the first gun shot"

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three

women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking

the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third

is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one

that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with

the wedding ring on, ... but I like your thinking."

[John McMahon]

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the
WINDOWS 98/BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally
bin shipped outsida Broooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may
need some help understandin' da commands.

Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin'
screen. It reads:

"WINDAS 98," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza. When you start da program, instead of da usual "harpy, stringy"
music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

Please also note:
* Recycle Bin is labeled "Staten Island."
* My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa."
* The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk."
* Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or "Rubbed Out."
* Dial up Networking is called "Da Bar."
* Control Panel is known as the "Da Bosses."
* Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin' the family business" and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.
* Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour."
* Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe dis!" pops up.
* The greeting sound is "HowYaDoin'"

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION:

OK...................Sure ting
Cancel...........Fugetaboutit
Reset.............Start Ova
Yes.................Yeah
No...................Nah
Find................Put a contract out on
Browse..........Get a looksee
Back...............U toin
Help................(Help ain't available - yous don't need
no stinkin'
help)
Stop.................Knock it off
Start.................Move it!
Settings..........Here's d' Rules

Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da
BROOKLYN EDITION platform don't recognize da letter "R."

Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS 98:

Typa................A word processin' program
Printa...............Printer
Calculata..........Calculator
Solitare.............Seven Card Stud

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Yous got a problem wit dat?

BILL ("4 eyes") GATES

[CobraDan]

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
THIRTEEN- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

[Dave Samson]

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.

They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.

The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replied....
You just happened to catch my eye!"


Get it !

[CobraDan]

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your A$$?

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an a$$hole

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Hang up and drive.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

And the #1 bumper sticker of the week....Honk If You Want To See My Finger

[CobraDan]

An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes.
"Hello toes!" he said, "how are you, toes? You know, you are 82 today.
Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello knees", he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you`re 82 today.
Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we`ve jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you were alive today, you`d be 82 years old!"

[Dave Samson]

Sven and Ole worked together at "Froot of da Loom" and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as
unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.

The Clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel
fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says, "Yah, diesel fitter."

[CobraDan]

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in their head.

People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when
you sneeze, your heart
stops for a mili-second.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80
years, no one reported a
single case where an ostrich buried its head in the
sand (or attempted to do
so - apart from Bones ).

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into
the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit

Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of
Alphabetti Spaghetti
especially for the German market that consisted solely
of little pasta
swastikas.

In average, a human being will have sex more than
3,000 times and spend two
weeks kissing in their lifetime.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never
made or received a
telephone call.

Rats and horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to
be the toughest
tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you
try to suppress a
sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or
neck and die.
if you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.


Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats
could have over million
descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the
bacteria in your ear
by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why
does Title 14,
Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations,
implemented on July
16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have
any contact with
extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman
somewhere.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads
for dating are
already married.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by
people sitting on them
and photocopying their buttocks.

In the course of an average lifetime you will, while
sleeping, eat
70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Cat's urine glows under a black-light.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is
different.

Over 75% of the people who read this will try to lick
their elbow.

[mr0077]

But wait!

A recent survey reported that 95% of all happily married people are women;

9 out of 10 men who switched to Camels switched back to women within a month;

and 4 out of 6 leaves 2...

But, there were two young nuns who went to see the Mother Superior. The Mother asked them what was the matter, and one of them said, "Well, Mother, you've got to do something about those construction workers near the chapel; they use REALLY foul language!"
The Mother Superior said, "Now, now, my dears, they're working men; they simply call a spade a spade."
The other nun then said, "No, Mother, they don't just call a spade a spade, they call it a f*cking shovel!"

And hey, if I sneeze and my eye DOES fly out of my head, will someone PLEEZE catch my eye?

[CobraDan]

Ken,

Did you lick your elbow? A lot of women want to know.
Dan

[mr0077]

Aww, shucks, I can just barely lick my eyebrows...
Man, those tongue weights hurt!

[CobraDan]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy.
I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.
I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy.
Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

[Dave Samson]

A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a
skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said its not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of
important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"

[Stan Mitchell]

Words to "survive" by, given to me by my wife:

Gentlemen, Please remember these and you will get along well in
life.....


Subject: Words Women Use


FINE - This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING - This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some
mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT - This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

Stan

[mrmustang]

As sent to me from a friend in Washington (yes, an attorney)


WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

************************************************** ********************

1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.

8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY

[ERA535]

Where do lawyers come from?

Bvtt fuc***g.