Subject: The Difference Between Men & Women
Lets say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks
her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.
A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while
neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
”Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for
exactly six months?”
And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:
”Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that.
Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m
trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or
isn’t sure of.”
And Roger is thinking: “Gosh. Six months.”
And Elaine is thinking: “But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we
are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading
toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready
for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?”
And Roger is thinking: “So, that means it was...let’s see...September when
we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s,
which means...let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an
oil change here.”
And Elaine is thinking: “He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed
it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s
why
he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of
being rejected.”
And Roger is thinking: “And I’m going to have them look at the transmission
again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What
cold
weather? It’s 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck,
and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.”
And Elaine is thinking: “He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry,
too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way
I
feel. I’m just not sure.”
And Roger is thinking: “They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day
warranty...scum balls.”
And Elaine is thinking: “Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to
a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do
care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in
pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.”
And Roger is thinking: “Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a
warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their...”
”Roger,” Elaine says aloud.
”What?” says Roger, startled.
”Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to
brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... “
She breaks down, sobbing.
”What?” says Roger.
”I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I
really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”
”There’s no horse?” says Roger.
”You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.
”No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
”It’s just that...it’s that I...I need some time,” Elaine says.There is a
15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up
with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might
work. “Yes,” he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. “Oh, Roger, do you really feel that
way?” she says.
”What way?” says Roger.
”That way about time,” says Elaine.
”Oh,” says Roger. “Yes.”
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves
a horse. At last she speaks. “Thank you, Roger,” she says.
”Thank you,” says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn.
When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the
TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match
between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far
recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there
in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand
what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them,
and they will talk about this situation for several hours. In painstaking
detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said,
exploring every word and expression for nuances of meaning, considering
every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject,
off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of
his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, “Norm,
did
Elaine ever own a horse?”
And that’s the difference between men and women.
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