Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

WARSAW (AP) -- In an apparent copycat terrorist act, Polish terrorists Stosh
and Yonko Binladenski have hijacked a Goodyear Blimp. So far, they have
bounced off 5 buildings.

[mr0077]

This guy runs into the patent office, throws a box up on the counter, and says "I want to take out a patent on this!"
The patent officer looks in the box and says, "Why, this is just a box of peaches. You can't get a patent on peaches!"
The guy says, "Yeah, they look like peaches, but they taste different. Try one." Unconvinced, the patent officer picks one out, takes a bite, and says, "WOW, this tastes just like an apple!"
The guy says, "Turn it around." The patent officer turns it around and takes another bite, and says, "Man, now it tastes like an orange!" The guy has him try another, the patent officer says, "This one tastes like a grape!" The guy says, "Turn it around." The patent officer does, and says, "Well I'll be damned, now it tastes like a pineapple!"
The patent officer says, "I think you got something here. I think we can give you a patent on this. That's amazing!" He thinks a little bit, gets a sly grin on his face, leans over to the guy and says, "Say, you got one of them things that tastes like a woman's, well, you know, "thing"?"
The guy says , "Sure." He rummages through the box and hands the patent officer a fruit and says, "Try this."
The patent officer takes a bite out of it and says, "Aw, man, this tastes like SH!T!"
The guy smiles at him and says, "Turn it around!"

[chopper]

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama makes his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How
dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama in the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on
Osama's knee.

Osama is then caned by John Randolph of Roanoke and soundly thrashed by James Monroe, Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and 65 other men who love
liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up and hurls him back toward the gates, where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits the ferry to take him to his final, very hot destination, he screams, "Aieee! This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

[CobraDan]

Date rape drug targeting males Police warn all clubbers, party-goers and
unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink
from any woman. A new
date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target
unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now
available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at
parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with
them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of
"beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual
acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never
normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy
memories of exactly what happened to them the night
before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently, men are
much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is
offered by the predatory female.
However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women
administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town
where you can discuss the details of your shocking
encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded
guys. For the support group nearest you,
just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

[ERA535]

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home. A

local man was murdered in his home over the weekend.

Detectives found him face down in the bathtub. The

tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and a

banana was sticking out of his ass.


Police suspect a cereal killer.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[mr0077]

Three guys were sitting on a park bench.
First guy says, "Man, my sex life is terrible! I can only get my wife to put out once a month!"
Second guy says, "Yeah, that's pretty bad, but I have it worse than you...my wife only lets me have some once every THREE months!"
They turn to the third guy, who's just sitting there smiling, looking off into the distance. "Well", one of them says, "what about you? How often do you get some, every day?"
"Nope", the third guy says, "My wife only lets me have some once a year."
"Once a year! That's terrible!", they exclaim, "Well, if you only get it once a year, why are you smiling?"
Third guy says, "Tonight's the night."

[CobraDan]

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a
wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her
fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I
reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat
your
fingers!"... pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers
with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's
wrong honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
=====

[CobraDan]

In Florida and Arizona, the personal ads for "older
folks" have become rather long-in-the-tooth. These ads
will be typical ten years from now, but they are already
in vogue in Florida and Arizona. Here is a sampling:

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,
5'-4" (used to be
5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing
companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking
for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean,
yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a
dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob
and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro
on Saturday nights and still like to play the air
guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy
hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection
of eight-track tapes.

MATCH MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you
can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our
two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. No
leaks. Doesn't run but walks well.

[CobraDan]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices
a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is
wearing a
fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner, " the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a
siren."

[CobraDan]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch
and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too.... you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and
out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his
briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate!
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um ... equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
we can get to work"

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!

[CobraDan]

An older couple are playing in the annual golf club
championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and
the championship comes down to a 6-inch putt which
the wife has to make.

The woman is trembling as she takes her stance. Then,
she putts and... misses. They lose the match.

On the way home in the car, the woman's husband is
fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That
putt was no longer than my dick!"

The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies,
"Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

[CobraDan]

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a military hospital-door to endoscopy:
"To expedite your visit, please back in"

On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new
one at no charge, close the store and have the
manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet
- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary.
"We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry.
Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait "

At a propane filling station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak"

[ERA535]

Subject: Reverend Jackson!

Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley, on his way home from work at City Hall, came
to a dead halt in traffic on the Dan Ryan Expressway and thought to himself,
"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving at all."

He noticed a State Trooper walking back and forth between the lines of cars,
so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, I'm Mayor Richard M.
Daley, what's the problem; what's holding everything up."

The trooper replied, "It's the Reverend Jackson. He's so depressed about
the thought of everyone knowing about his extra-martial affair, his
illegitimate child, and his misappropriation of funds that he stopped his
car in the middle of the expressway and is threatening to douse himself with
gasoline and set himself on fire. He says the country and his congregation
are blaming him for his infidelity and doesn't know if he can live with the
shame and embarrassment.

The people in the halted cars along the expressway are taking up a
collection for him."

"Oh really," replied Mayor Daley. "How much have they collected for the
Reverend so far?"

"About 300 gallons," said the trooper, "but they are still siphoning." >>

[ERA535]

Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was
>making for dinner. "Hello?" said a little girl's voice.
>"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"
>
>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."
>After a brief pause, Bob said, "But you don't have an
>Uncle Frank, honey!"
>
>"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
>
>"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the
>phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout
>in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled
>up outside the house."
>
>"Okay, Daddy!"
>A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the
>phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
>
>"And what happened?"
>
>"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on
>and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the
>rug and went out the front window and now she's laying
>in the front yard."
>
>"Oh my god! And what about Uncle Frank?"
>
>"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was
>all scared and he jumped out the back window into the
>swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took
>out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom
>of the swimming pool."
>
>There was a long pause, then Bob
>said, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"

[CobraDan]

Two priests were talking. The older one said to the younger, "When you came to our church I wondered how your new ideas were going to work.
"When you replaced the front pews with bucket seats, I had my doubts. But now at every mass, the front seats are filled with young people.
"When you 'jazzed up' the choir by singing new and peppy songs, I was afraid it might offend the older folks, but we have more people in church now than ever.
"When you wanted to put in the drive-through confessional, I have to admit I thought you'd lost it. But more people are coming to confession than ever.
"However, the neon sign out front that reads:
'Toot 'n tell or go to Hell' has to go!

[Flyin_Freddie]

Dating vs Marriage .....

When you are dating ... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ...You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating ... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ...He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating ... A Single bed for 2 isn't all THAT bad.
When you are married ...A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating ... You are turned on at the sightt of him naked.
When you are married ...You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy??"

When you are dating ... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ...He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating ... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ...You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating ... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ...When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating ... He knows what the "hamper" is, and what it's used for.
When you are married ...The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating ... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ...He says "It's your job."

When you are dating ... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ...He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating ... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ...He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating ... He calls you by name.
When you are married ...He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She"

[CobraDan]

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior. "You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now."
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!

[Dave Samson]

A Kentucky Fried Chicken
in New York has a special
on what they are calling
the "Bucket of Hillary."

It has two small breasts,
two large thighs, and
a bunch of left wings.

[CobraDan]

Now I understand why radical Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit
suicide. Just look at their lifestyle:
* No premarital sex.
* No booze. None. Never.
* No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV.
* No Spice channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN.
* No Hooters!!.
* No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
* No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- NO sports!!!.
* Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs. No Victoria's Secret Stuff.
* Very, very, very few cars. Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.
And sand everywhere!
* More sand.
* Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.
* Sandstorms. More sand everywhere!
* Rags for clothes and hats.
* Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel dung chips
* Constant wailing from the guy next door ...............no, wait,.....that's music!
* And when you die it's supposed to all get better...... No wonder they volunteer!!

[CobraDan]

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the
offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped
up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin
asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know
that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like
the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to
his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's
okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy,
"I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun
to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash
against us."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know
what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep
crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him
the money now, will he let us go?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed
all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three
times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted
us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible
stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The
flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and
Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's
Pontius - the Pilot.

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to.
My Mom is a good cook."

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on
a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would
then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge
through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became
ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new
actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and
the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of
tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony
jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist
Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy
told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway
through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet,
Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon
all over again!' It worked."

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime
story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek,
then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she
paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God
made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she
observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"