Joke of the Day... - Page 22

ERA535 · #1 (**permalink**) 02-09-2002, 08:01 AM

Hey fellow jokester -some of these are duplicates. Gotta watch that!

Pete C · #2 (**permalink**) 02-09-2002, 08:09 AM

President "W" Bush gets an invite from the Queen to come and visit
her in England. One afternoon when drinking tea, he asks her what's
the secret of her success? She tells him that she relies on her people
a lot and therefore she must be certain that they are intelligent. She
decides to show him exactly what she means and phones Tony Blair. "Now
listen carefully, Mr. Bush. I'm going to ask Mr. Blair a question to
determine his intelligence."

On the phone she says, "Oh hello Mr. Blair, I have a question for
you. Your mother has a child, and your father has a child. This child
is not one of your brothers and is not one of your sisters. Who is he?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me."
"Correct. Thank you, Bye" said the Queen and she hangs up.
"Did you get that Mr. Bush?"
"Yes'm. Thanks a lot! I'll definitely be using that!"
Once back in the US he decides that he has doubts about some
Republicans and he's going to ask them the question. He arranges a
meeting with Jesse Helms, the Senator from North Carolina and asks him,
"Mr.. Helms, I know you're the Chair of the Foreign Relations Committee,
and I need to trust your judgment. I have a question for you. "

"Anything to stimulate the mind of this old Southerner," Helms
responds.

"Uhh, your mother has a child. And your father has a child. It is
not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" asks Bush.

Helms thinks. And he thinks. Then he responds, "Umm, Y'all must
gimme some time to think about it."

Bush decides to give him a day to come up with the correct
answer. That afternoon, Helms calls a meeting to discuss the question
and get an answer.

But NOBODY knows! They've drawn up a Jesse Helms family tree, to
no avail.

The next morning, he realizes that he has to give G Dub an answer
and as a last resort, he decides to phone Colin Powell.

"Colin, Your mother has a child, and your father has a child. It
is not your brother, and not your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "Hey, Jesse, it's me of course, you
dumb Cracker!"

Helms rushes to Bush's office, very impressed to know the answer
to such a difficult question! "Mr. Bush, I know! I know who it is! It is
Colin Powell!"

"No, you dumb ****. It's Tony Blair!"

poorboy · #3 (**permalink**) 02-09-2002, 11:00 AM

Just Helping Out......
The Value Of Undies: Hear's your weekly safety brief. Be careful of what you wear(or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a
Crestview couple who drove thier car to Walmart only to have thier car brake down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everthing back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head!!

CobraDan · #4 (**permalink**) 02-09-2002, 11:19 AM

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay and you're not.
But you only have the one ass.

FEEL BETTER NOW?

poorboy · #5 (**permalink**) 02-09-2002, 01:00 PM

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, " Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comford in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. On day, God calls Satan up on the phone and says with a sneer, " So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake---he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like haveing an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says. "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. and just where are YOU going to get a lawyer??"

CobraDan · #6 (**permalink**) 02-09-2002, 03:23 PM

Did you hear about the guy from Tennessee who passed away and left
his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk replies, "Go ahead."
How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? There is dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
What do they call rerun of "Hee Haw" in Alabama? Documentaries.
Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called teethbrush.
A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "'Bout wut?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Tennessee burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too. Both books -- poof! -- up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
A new law recently passed in Tennessee: When a couple gets divorced, they're STILL brother and sister.

Dave Samson · #7 (**permalink**) 02-10-2002, 12:03 AM

Married men live longer than single men,...
But married men are a lot more willing to die!

CobraDan · #8 (**permalink**) 02-10-2002, 03:04 AM

A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says, "This bull mated 120 times last
year." The wife hits her husband and says "That's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him." They walk further and a third pen has a bull with a sign saying, "This Bull mated 365 times last year." The wife gets really excited and says "That's once a day!" You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looks at her and says "Go up and ask him if it was with the same
cow."

JimsGems · #9 (**permalink**) 02-10-2002, 01:54 PM

Two 8 year boy's were attending a wedding, and they were having a wonderful time. One of the young boy's asked the other about how many wifes a man could have? The other boy thought for a minute and said... 16. The other boy then asked... "why do you say 16? The other boy replied... 4 Better, 4 Worse, 4 Sickness & 4 in Health. Yup, that's 16!

JimsGems · #10 (**permalink**) 02-10-2002, 01:57 PM

Did ya know the Teliban is into BINGO? Yup, they are standing around looking up, saying... B-52, B-1, C-124, U-2, F-18, F-16! Now that my kind of BINGO!!!!

CobraDan · #11 (**permalink**) 02-11-2002, 03:10 AM

Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to Arkansas where bought him a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey
the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "I'm Sorry, but I have some bad news... the donkey died last night."
"Well, den" said Boudreaux, "Jus' give my money back, yeah."
"I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already."
"OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey."
"What are you gonna do with him?"
"I'm gon-to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!"
"Well dats where you wrong.! You wait you an' you learn how smart we Cajuns are!"
A month later the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

CobraDan · #12 (**permalink**) 02-11-2002, 03:33 AM

If you answer "yes" to eight or more of these questions, you may want to consider restricting your future calorie intake:

* Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send for you with a limo?
* After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?
* Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?
* Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?
* Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?
* Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?
* Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?
* On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship?
* Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?
* Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?
* Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets

Dave Samson · #13 (**permalink**) 02-11-2002, 12:54 PM

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Union Station," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

SPF1116 · #14 (**permalink**) 02-11-2002, 01:29 PM

Two Eastern European nuns were visiting New York City for the first time. As they strolled through Central Park, lunchtime came upon them and the first nun reminded the other that the Mother Superior recommended they try hot dogs for lunch.

They approached a street vendor and and each ordered a dog. After receiving their lunch they sat down on a nearby park bench. The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, looked at it, wrapped it back up and pitched it into the nearest trash can. Then she came back to the bench and asked the second nun “What part of the dog did YOU get?”

Flyin_Freddie · #15 (**permalink**) 02-12-2002, 08:46 AM

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Sorry....this one was deleted as it was a duplicate submitted by ERA535!

With this many postings, there's bound to be some duplicates, but overall, this is the best thread I've ever started. I look forward to reading it each day, and several times throughout the day as I'm notified of new postings. You can't imagine what's going on in my life right now with caring for my father, my job, my twins, and everything else. This is a real 'tonic' for me each day.

Thank you, my friends! I appreciate the time each of you take to post your latest funny, and look forward to the next!

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CobraEd · #16 (**permalink**) 02-12-2002, 08:51 AM

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.

Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result, all the other
monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to
climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, Take away the cold water.

Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new
monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise
and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and
attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a
new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a
third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, and then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of
themonkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to
climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest
monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining
monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey
ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not.......... Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done.

And that is how company policy begins.

ERA535 · #17 (**permalink**) 02-12-2002, 09:02 AM

Flyin_Freddie - you repeated a joke that was ON THE SAME PAGE!

Flyin_Freddie · #18 (**permalink**) 02-12-2002, 09:10 AM

Say...wha...?

Show me where....I can't seem to find it.

I'll delete which ever one it is....I don't want to be redundant. I'll delete which ever one it is...I don't want to be redundant.

Redundant...

Redundant...

Redundant...

CobraEd · #19 (**permalink**) 02-12-2002, 09:15 AM

Who cares!

CobraDan · #20 (**permalink**) 02-12-2002, 10:07 AM

1. Candy cigarettes
2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
4. Coffee shops with table side juke boxes
5. Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers.
7. Party lines.
8. Newsreels before the movie.
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix ...(Drexel-5505)
12. Pea shooters.
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM Records
15. Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice cube trays-with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue Flash Bulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork pop guns
23. Drive ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
26. The Fuller Brush man
27. Reel-to-reel tape recorders
28. Tinker toys
29. The Erector Set
30. The Fort Apache Play set
31. Lincoln Logs
32. 15 cent McDonald hamburgers
33. 5 cent packs of baseball cards...with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
34. Penny candy
35. 35 cent-a-gallon gasoline
A TIME WHEN ...
* Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
* Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
* "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
* Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
* It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
* The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties".
* Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
* A foot of snow was a dream come true.
* Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
* "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
* Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles.
* The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
* War was a card game.
* Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
* Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
* Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
* If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!