Joke of the Day...

[SPF1116]

A man is convicted of a white-collar crime and is sent to a minimum security prison to serve out his sentence. He walks into his room and sits on the edge of the bed, completely dejected.

A few minutes go by and his new room mate walks in. The room says “Why are you so sad, this really isn’t such a bad place. Say, do you like to play tennis?”

The new inmate replies that, yes, he played every week until being sent to prison. The room mate says “Then you’re really going to like Mondays. Every Monday we have tennis tournaments that last all day. All the inmates play and it's followed by a delicious tennis banquet. Say, do you like golf?”

The new inmate replies that yes, he played golf twice a week until being sent to prison. The room mate says “Then you’re really going to like Tuesdays. Every Tuesday we have a golf tournament that lasts all day. All the inmates play and it's followed by a delicious golf banquet.”

The new room mate then asks “Are you a homosexual?” The new inmate says no, no, absolutely not. Straight as an arrow.

The room mate says “Oh. I see. Well, you’re not going to like Wednesdays at all.”

[ERA535]

So this meek little guy gets sent to prison for murdering his wife and is put in a cell with the biggest meanest looking ethnic guy he has ever seen.

The big guy looks at him and growls "Hey you!"

The little guy says "yes?"

Big guy "you want to be the husband or you want to be the wife?"

Little guy thinks about all the ramifications each answer will bring, and figures the best answer would be the "husband", so he answers "the husband".

The big guy says "hey husband, get over here and suck your wifes c-ck!"

[SPF1116]

A man goes to the doctor to complain that his genitalia have somehow turned orange. The doctor, having never heard of such a thing, asks the man to drop his pants and has a look.

Sure enough. The doctor is amazed. It’s as orange as a traffic cone.

The doctor, completely at a loss, assumes it must be some sort of reaction to stress in the man’s life. So the doctor asks about the man’s marriage. The man says he was married to the worst b*tch alive. But he divorced her 6 months ago and hasn’t been happier.

The doctor presses on and asks the man about his job. The man says he quit his job right after the divorce, and got a better one. Now he only works three days a week and is making twice the money.

The doctor, seeing that he’s running out of options, asks the man what he does with his time off. The man replies that he doesn’t really have any hobbies. He just sits around, watches porno movies and eats Cheetos.

[CobraDan]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and
every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that
airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride
costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said,
"Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might
never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and
50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say
one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
the pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but

not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still
not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out,
but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell
out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

[Chad Johnson]

Adult Questions and Answers


Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

[CobraDan]

A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

[Dave Samson]

A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while
stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a big
semi. Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws
his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back
to the truck and starts banging on the door.

The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing
there with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue
your ass, Buddy!"

The truck driver, laughs and says, "Suck my dick!"

The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes
get really big and his face lights up. He runs back
to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't
believe it, he wants to settle out of court!"

[CobraDan]

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10. They got Boobs!......

[ERA535]

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time
this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."

[CobraDan]

The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 words.
However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today.

There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions.

Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print.

The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year.

Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth.

Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.

American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.

The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI.

60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return.

Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family's income; that's more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.

Scary, isn't it?

WAY TO GO, DAN - - - THANKS A BUNCH - - - NOW I'M TOTALLY DEPRESSED.

IT'S 8:47 AM - - AFTER READING YOUR POST I'M GOING TO GET A BEER AND GO BACK TO BED. THE HECK WITH IT - IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT.

Y'ALL HAVE A REALLY GREAT DAY,

BLACKJACK

[CobraDan]

Sorry BLACKJACK when you wake here is the joke of the day

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed
north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they
could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm
recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great
weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Caught you smiling - Keep it up!

[Dave Samson]

A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.

"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."

"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.

"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"

"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.

"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.

The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"

So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"

"Because,... she won't have sex during mealtimes!"

[CobraDan]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a
craps table. A very attractive blonde woman
arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on
a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel
much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down,
rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs
new clothes!"

Then she hollered..YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each
of the dealers. She then picked up all the
money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other
dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know I thought
YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb,
but all men are men!

[CobraDan]

In case you needed further proof that the human
race is doomed through stupidity, here's more:

On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while
sleeping (Gee, that's the only time I have to
work on my hair)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be winner! No
purchase necessary. Details inside. (Evidently,
the shoplifter special)

On a bar of Dial soapirections: Use like
regular soap.(And that would be how...?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving
suggestions: Defrost.(But it's *just* a
suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of
box): Do not turn upside down (Oops, too late!)

On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will
be hot after heating (As sure as night
follows the day)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron
clothes on body (But wouldn't this save even more
time?)

On a children's cold medicine: Do not operate
machinery after taking this medication (We could
do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds
with head-colds off those forklifts)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness
(One would hope)

On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or
outdoor use only (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for
the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts
(NEWS FLASH)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.(Step 3: Fly
Delta)

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this
garment does not enable you to fly (I don't blame
the company. I do blame parents for this one)

On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop
chain with your hands or genitals (Was there a
chance of this happening somewhere?...Good grief!)

[CobraDan]

Truly one of the All-Time best quotes .....
In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was classic Schwartzkopf. He said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."

[CobraDan]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."

The priest sighs."Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, 'tis I."

"And who might be the woman you were with?"

"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.? Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her.

"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?"

"Five more good leads!

[CobraDan]

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball
into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a
little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for that, you won't have
any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't
have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter of
fact you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF!... she was gone.
After Harry got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred.
"Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, " I'm over here, in the
pu$$ywillow."
Harry yells back..."DON'T SWING FRED!!!"
"For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

[CobraDan]

A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married." Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my butt.
Day and night,that's all he'll do is bang me in my butt.
When I got married, my butthole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

[Stan Brown]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, "Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer? "Oh, Bill, you didn't."Yes, I did."My God, Bill, what happened? "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."