Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is
having a problem with his cumbersome instrument and has had more than one
complaint.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you Can do for
me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do
know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives
him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.

"Honorable Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything
be done to help me? You are my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I
think I may be able to help you with your problem.

Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond.In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic.
You say to frog, "will you marry me?' When
the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.

He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!

But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again.

"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5
inches shorter.

The man laughed, "This is fantastic."

He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment.

Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, How many times do I
have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!











Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more

than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over
100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%?

If...A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.

Then, H A R D W O R K Totals 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 (=98%)



K N O W L E D G E Totals: 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 (= 96%)

But, A T T I T U D E Totals: 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 (=100%)

And, B U L L S H I T Totals: 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 (=103%} So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put you over the top.


And look how far A S S K I S S I N G will take you:

1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 (=118%)














There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in
making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make
it go a wee bit further.


As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of
one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price
was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and
buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with
turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the

sky opened, the rain poured down,washing the thinned paint from all
over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the
lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the
thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he
got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(you're going to love this)






"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"

[bonyhadi]

Marriage......



You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead." W. W. Renwick
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends. You
order what you want, then when you see what the
other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I
married the wrong man."
~~~~~~~~~~~
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You
know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied,
"Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband
wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother
and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her
mother replied, "So what do you want from me,
sympathy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better
revenge than to let her keep him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The
rest cheat in Europe.

Jackie Mason
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I
don't know son, I'm still paying."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what
real happiness was until I got married; by then it
was too late."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my
husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you
married him?" asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence. A Second marriage is the triumph of
hope over experience.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you
start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights,
and so does she.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a heated spat over finances the husband said,
"Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to
clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife,
fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn
how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and
the gardener."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about
marriage is that as both husband and father, I can
say anything I want to around the house. Of course,
no one pays the least bit of attention.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to the latest surveys, when making love,
most married men fantasize that their wives aren't
fantasizing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I
got two girlfriends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive
way to get your laundry
done for free.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is
packing your parachute.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second
guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are beautiful.
================================================== ==
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
================================================== ===========
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
Lil' Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a
whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard,
so she made a point of calling Lil' Johnny's father that evening.
When she told him what Johnny had said, he told her,
"Actually, I'm an attorney, but how I'm I supposed to explain that to a
seven year old???"
================================================== ===========
Heard Around the Office. . . .

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end
of the month than you did before.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and
nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

If at first you don't succeed, don't try again: quit.
No use being a complete fool about it.

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say
you've done and what you're going to do.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your
car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are
never talking about themselves.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, "I can't talk, please help me!"
The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on the table here."
Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does
as he says.
The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris' penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony,
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Then the doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor: "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until
you get to the entrance of a damp cavern.""At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.
Address it and say, 'I'm a sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm the egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively.
The instructor impressed upon the sperm that he had to swim hard and reach the egg first, otherwise it would all be pointless. "You really have to swim for it!"
Two days later, the sperm is taking a kip when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He
knows he has to arrive first.
When he nears the entrance of the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm but he still swims his heart out, tail fin aching, just to
reach the egg first.
At last he approaches the red, sticky ball, still way ahead of all the other sperm.
When, at last, he reaches the red sticky ball, he smiles and says "Hi, I'm a sperm."
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

[bonyhadi]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
And G-d created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good.
Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand,"What can be done with this useless boob?"
And G-d created man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. "Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da past-a two weeks? No-aone-a seen-a you around."
"Don'na talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been-a inna da jail."
"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been-a in jail?"
"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, anna da cops come,arresta me and atrow me inna jail!"
"But dey donna trow you in jail-a just for lying onna da beach!"
Luigi countered."Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and a yellin'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FACTS FROM THE 1500's

Next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like it,
think about how things used to be....

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still
smelled pretty good by June.

However they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
body odor.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of
the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the sons and other men, then
the women and finally the children--last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty
you could actually lose someone in it---hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the
bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs--thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was
the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice
rats, and bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the
animals would slip and fall off the roof--hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really
mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how
canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying
"dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they
spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept
adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A
piece of wood was placed in entry way--hence, a "thresh hold."

They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung
over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly
vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving
leftovers in the pot to
get cold overnight and then add to these to start over the next day.
Sometimes the stew had food in that had been there for quite a while--hence the
rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

At rare times they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that
a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and
would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high
acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes
were considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers,
a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trencher were made from
stale paysan bread which was so old and hard that they could use them for quite some time.
Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old
bread. After eating of wormy moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the
family got the middle, and guests got
the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock
them out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table
for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat
and drink and wait and see if they would wake up-hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and they started out running out of places to bury people. So
they would dig up coffins and would
take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When
reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up
through the
ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the
"grave yard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was
considered a "dead ringer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his
room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he
sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he
looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser." To test
her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood... sure enough he drops the other bar of soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then
twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives one last, despairing tug then yells, ... "Mary, Mother of G-d - Hand Lotion!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is
having a problem with his cumbersome instrument and has had more than one
complaint.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you Can do for
me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do
know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives
him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.

"Honorable Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything
be done to help me? You are my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I
think I may be able to help you with your problem.

Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond.In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic.
You say to frog, "will you marry me?' When
the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.

He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!

But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again.

"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5
inches shorter.

The man laughed, "This is fantastic."

He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment.

Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, How many times do I
have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!

















A man drove his secretary home from a late
afternoon get-together of coworkers because
she was drunk and unable to drive.

Since nothing happened along the way between the
two, the man decided not to mention the secretary
to his wife.

Later that evening while the man was taking the
wife to a movie, he noticed a high-heeled shoe
under the passenger seat. So, he asked her to watch
out her window for a parking spot close to the theater.

While she was busy looking, he picked up the shoe
and tossed it out of his window.

When they arrived at the theater and were about
ready to get out of the car, his wife asked,

"Sweetie, have you seen my other shoe?

[bonyhadi]

Subject: The "Stella" Award

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $2.9 million U.S. in damages to
81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs,
groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself
that she was holding between her legs while driving her car.

This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award-- for the most
frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates.
All these cases verge on the ridiculous!
___________

January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by
jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms.
Robertson's son.

June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car,
when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a
house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to
get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He
couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr.
Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on
a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the
homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental
anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500
and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in
yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might
have been
just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it
repeatedly with a pellet gun.

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her
boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the
owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the
bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This
occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the
ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000
and dental expenses.

And the winner is:
Mr Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Mr Grazinski purchased
a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having
entered the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left
the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not
surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he
couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie.
Winniebago actually changed their
handbooks on the back of this court case, just incase there are any other
complete morons buying their vehicles.








There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money
and was a real miser. He loved money more than just about anything, and
just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I
want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because
I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when
he died, she'd put all his money in the casket with him. Well he
finally died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting
there dressed all in black, and her best friend sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers were going
to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!' She had a box with
her. She took the box and put it down in the casket. Then the
undertakers locked the casket lid down, and rolled it away.

Her friend looked at her hard, and said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool
enough to put all that money in there with that man."

The wife responded, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised
him I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with that
man?"

"I sure did," said the wife with a smile. "I wrote him a check."














A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices
a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign
on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar."
Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks
the clerk if it was correct.
He said "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She said "That can't be right !"
The clerk says "Oh yes, it's right !! 5 boxes for a dollar,
no strings attached."






















> A pastor's church was getting too large for him to
cover
> all of the duties so he had a clone made of himself.
All
> was going well, he could be in two hospitals at once
> praying for the sick, attend two meetings at the same
> time, this was his answer for his busy life.
>
> Suddenly, the genes went crazy and the cloned
preacher's
> personality changed. He started making passes towards
> women, yelling at drivers who cut him off, and making
> obscene gestors. This concerned the pastor so he and
the
> clone took a day off and went to the Sears Tower, ate
> lunch, and enjoyed the view from the top.
>
> While the clone was looking at the skyline through the
> telescope, the pastor pushed him over the side and
that
> was the end of the clone. When the pastor left the
> building and walked past the crowd that had gathered,
the
> police stopped him and placed him under arrest. "Under
> arrest"?? What's the charge?
>
> Making an obscene clone fall.

[bonyhadi]

Well Endowed Leprechaun

A large man walked into a public restroom where a small
man was peeing.

The big guy said to the little one, "Excuse me for noticing,
but you have a very large dick. How did it get that
way?"

The little guy said, "Well, I'm a leprechaun, I wished
it upon myself."

The big guy said, "Wow, could you wish it upon me?"

The little guy said, "Sure, but only if you let me butt
**** you for 5 minutes.

The big guy agreed.

After it was all over the big guy said, "I can't believe
I let you do that."

The little guy said, "I can't believe you thought I
was a leprechaun.













THREE MEN ARE SITTIN' ON A BENCH. ONE'S A TEXAN
WEARING A STETSON, ONE'S A MUSLIM WEARING A
TURBAN, AND THE LAST AN APACHE WITH AN EAGLE
FEATHER WOVEN IN HIS HAIR.

THE INDIAN IS RATHER GLUM AND SAYS "ONCE MY
PEOPLE WERE MANY, BUT NOW WE ARE FEW. THE MUSLIM
PUFFS UP AND SAYS "ONCE MY PEOPLE WERE FEW, BUT
NOW WE ARE MANY MILLIONS."

THE TEXAN ADJUSTS HIS HAT, FINISHES ROLLING A
SMOKE, LEANS BACK IN HIS CHAIR AND DRAWLS,
"THAT'S
CAUSE WE AIN'T PLAYED COWBOYS AND MUSLIMS YET





















A guy is strolling down the street in London when he comes across an old lamp.

He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies, I've
always
wanted to be lucky."

The genie grants his wish. So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the
footpath. Not a
bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the road.
He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10
quid on
the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 quid on
"Lucky
seven."
Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.

Now he's really flying... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing.
He knocks
and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.

The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome sir!
We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures
on
offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."

The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl...

so he's ushered into one of the rooms. In strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes
before
clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.

At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't
believe how
lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your
forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to
see it gone,
then please scratch off my caste mark."

So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong,
what's wrong?"
asks the Indian girl.


To which the bloke replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"























American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe
Lincoln.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.



You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

Your bologna has no first name.

You give blood every day ... just for the orange juice.

Sally Struther's sends you food.

McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

At communion you go back for seconds.

and last but not least...

You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

[bonyhadi]

Hawaiian Jewish greeting...

ALOHA OY:
Love; greetings; farewell;
and from such a pain you should never know
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his
new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome
you into the family," said the man. "To show you how
much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner
in my business. All you have to do is go to the
factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't
stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll
work in the office and take charge of some of the
operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't
stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made
you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you
don't like factories and won't work in a office. What
am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
During the last holiday season, many individuals
expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the
synagogue.

In order for us to place you in a seat which will best
suit you, we ask you to complete the following
questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as
soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one
___ Talking section
___ No talking section

2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate
order of interest
___ Stock market
___ Sports
___ Medicine
___ Congregants' secret medical tragedies
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose
___ The rabbi
___ The rabbi's wife
___ The cantor
___ The cantor's wife
___ The gabbi
___ The gabbi's wife
___ The gabbi's "secretary"
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ Your neighbors
___ Your relatives
___ Your neighbors' relatives
___ President Clinton

___ President Clinton and Monica
___ Sex (Preference________________)
___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
___ Other: ____________________________

3. Which of the following would you like to be near
for free professional advice?
___ Doctor
___ Dentist
___ Nutritionist
___ Psychiatrist
___ Child psychiatrist
___ Mother in law
___ Podiatrist
___ Chiropractor
___ Stockbroker
___ Accountant
___ Lawyer
___ Criminal
___ Civil
___ Real estate agent
___ Architect
___ Plumber
___ Buyer (Specify store:_____________________ )
___ Sexologist
___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one]
___ Other: ____________________________

4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority

___ On the aisle
___ Near the exit
___ Near the window
___ In Aruba
___ Near the bathroom
___ Near my in-laws
___ As far away from my in-laws as possible
___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
___ Near the pulpit
___ Near the Kiddush table
___ Near single men
___ Near available women
___ Near anyone who's available-I'm bisexual or just not particular
___ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]

5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following
people: (Limit of six; if you require more space, you
may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
_________________________ __________________________
_________________________ _________________________
_________________________ __________________________


Your name: _________________________________
Building fund pledge: _________________________
= = = = = =
Addendum to the Synagogue Seating Form

___Check here if you'd like the office to tell your
in-laws that there are no more seats available.
(Please note there is an extra charge of $100 for this
service.)


A Note From the High Holiday Seating Committee: A
special heartfelt thank you to the 3 families (you
know who you are) who submitted their reservation
forms without editorial comment, without special
seating requests, without drawing seating diagrams and
without citing Supreme Court precedent. As for all
the rest of you, we found your submissions highly
entertaining and we look forward to seating each
and every one of you in the Shul's 900 aisle seats.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Jewish Curses

May all your teeth fall out - except one, so you can
have a toothache.
May your blood turn to whiskey, so that a hundred
bedbugs get drunk on it and dance the mazurka in your
belly button.
May all your hair should fall out except for one - and
it should have dandruff.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Out to lunch one day, a couple immigrants were
having a fine time until Hymie began to gag.

"I---I think I svallowed a bone," Hymie gasped.
"Hymie," said Morris, "are you choking?"
"No, demmit, I'm serious!"
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The story is told of two men visiting New York City
for the first time who come across two Jews wearing
long black coats, wide-brimmed hats, with long
beards and payos (earlocks). One man turns to the
other and says, "What's that?"
The second man replies, "Hassidim."
The first man responds, "I see them, too -- but, what
are they?"
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Sam and Morris were partners in a clothing factory.
Sam decided to take a trip to Rome. Morris had a lot
of catholic friends and surprised Sam with an audience
with the Pope. On his first day back to work after his
trip to Rome he and Morris started talking and Morris
said to Sam, so, what kind of a man is the Pope? Sam
replied, I would say he is a 44 regular
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
"There probably aren't many Jewish girls dancing at
Radio City Music Hall, but it doesn't take a Rockette
Zionist to figure that one out." --Gary Hallock
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The Israeli police were looking for a man named
Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa.
The suspect was described as the son of a Barcelona
ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist,
and he worked occasionally as a farmer In short, he was "A Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from
Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife
Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had
hired had stolen two towels.

"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on
the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."

"You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they
were the two best towels we had... the ones we got
from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
In the middle of lunch, Mrs. Slotnick is interrupted
by a committee of workmen who report that her husband
has just been badly wounded on the job and is in
critical condition at the hospital. She does not say
a word and continues eating.

They say again, "Do you hear what we are telling you,
Mrs. Slotnick? Your husband was hurt and he is in
critical condition!"

"Gentlemen," she says, "I heard absolutely every word.
And as soon as I finish this soup, you are going to
hear such a scream!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

[bonyhadi]

Vacation to Africa
A couple from the United States took a vacation to Africa and, while there,
heard about a tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
Well, the couple could not believe this, so they engaged a guide to take
them to find this tribe in a remote part of Africa.

When the couple arrived at the tribe's camp, they were permitted to inspect
the male natives' genitalia and, sure enough, each native had one 24 inches
long!

The couple asked the chief how this all came about and they were told that,
when each male child became a certain age, a string was tied around his
penis and on the other end of the string was a weight.
After a while, the weight had the effect of lengthening the penis to
24 inches.

After the couple returned home, the husband was getting out of the shower
one day and his wife looked at him and said, "What would you think about
your trying the African native string-and-weight procedure so that you can
have one like those natives?" The husband agreed and he attached the string
and weight.

A few weeks later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our tribal procedure
coming?"

He replied, "Well, we're half way there."

She asked, "You mean it's getting longer?"

He said, "No, but it's turned black.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing
seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry."
So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned
into??????
>
>
>
>
>
come on, guess.........????????
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
The first motel she could find. (She's old, not dead!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary: I saw an interesting TV ad for a stop-snoring product. It said, "Nothing ruins a romantic mood like snoring."
Jill: Mary, if he's snoring, the romantic mood is already over!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Ever wonder why divorce is so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've really been working out lately. Soon I'll be able to touch my toes. Well, as soon as my fingernails grow another 24 inches or so.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in India has set a new world record for having the most cement blocks smashed on his groin."
"The old record was none."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral. Every day after the
funeral, the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.
About two months later, a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man. "Hello, there. You know, we see you come out here
every day to visit your wife's grave, and we just think that's so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always
bring it out here with you."
"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More Bumper Snickers: (on the car of a young, very cute blonde) OGOPHUKYURCELPH.
Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-****.
If we are what we eat... I could be you by morning.
A hard man is good to find.
"Ax me about Ebonics."
IN-AND-OUT BURGER HOUSE trimmed to read: IN-AND-OUT URGE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the morning after the consummation of the marriage of two senior citizens. The new bride awoke purring. Hearing her husband running water in the bathroom,
she said, "Did you just brush your teeth?"
The husband answered, "Yes, Dear. And while I was at it, I brushed yours too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Counter-terrorism experts are now saying that Osama Bin Laden may be hiding secret messages in pornographic websites."
"You know what that means?
Clinton could find this guy before Bush does."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge to convict: "The prisons are all full, so I'm sentencing you to five years in the waiting room at the department of motor vehicles."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
LOVE AND MARRIAGE
Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant. Marriage is a Chinese take-out.
Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early. Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is losing your appetite. Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear. Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Love is a flickering flame. Marriage is a flickering television.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three women were having a drink on the patio of their country club when the door to the men's locker room blew open, exposing a man who was wearing nothing
but a towel over his head.
"Well, it's not my husband," said the first woman after looking.
"He isn't mine either," said the second.
After a long look, the third woman said, "Why, he isn't even a member!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

Subject: HIGH TECH WOMEN
Three women are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there is a beeping sound.
The first lady presses her forearm and the
beeping stops. The others look at her curiously.
"That's my pager," she says, "I have a microchip
under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second
woman lifts her palm to her ear. When she
finishes she explains, "That's my mobile phone. I
have a microchip in my hand."
The third woman, feeling decidedly low-tech,
steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes she
returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from
the crack of her butt. The others raise their
eyebrows.
"Oh, excuse me. I'm getting a Fax."

[CobraDan]

Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith says, "What do you mean?"

The receptionist replies, "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."

Mr Smith exclaims, "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"

The receptionist calmly replies, "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't go to bed with her."

[bonyhadi]

Q: What is the definition of blood, sweat and tears?
A: A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.

Q: Why don't Irish men ever exercise?
A: They figure if God had wanted them to bend over,
He would have put booze on the floor.

Q: What's the difference between your wife and your washing machine?
A: You don't have to hug your washing machine for twenty minutes
after you dump your load in it.

Q: You know the worst thing about oral sex?
A: The view.

Q: What do you call a sheep that runs around with forty thieves?
A: Ali Baa Baa.

Q: What is fo-fi-fo, fo-fi-fi-fo?
A: A black girl giving out her phone number.

Q: What did Bruce Willis find on the top of Mt. Everest?
A: Icy dead people.

Q: Why is turtle wax so expensive?
A: Turtles have such tiny ears.

Q: What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A: ****s Funny.

Q: Did you hear about the new Jewish game show?
A: It's called "The Price Is Too Much."

Q: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
A: Naked and screaming, just like the rest of us.

Q: How does a girl vampire flirt?
A: She bats her eyes.

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.

Q: If a swamp frog goes "rib-bit ... rib-bit ... rib-bit" and a
Budweiser frog goes "bud ... wis ... er," what does a
Microsoft Windows frog sound like?
A: "Re-boot ... re- boot ... re-boot."

Q: Why do blonde nurses carry a red Magic Marker?
A: In case they have to draw blood.

Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas,
and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

Alabama Special Forces
> > >
> > >
The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and Al Queda out of the mountains of
Afghanistan is to send in a team of Alabama Special Forces.

Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent in with the following info about the Taliban:

1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.
5. Some are queer.
6. They don't like barbeque.
7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

Should be over in just about a week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

New Human Resource Policies

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a* raise.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of a sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all of your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows: January 1, July 4 & December 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement
is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be
glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour
early, provided your share of the work is done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However we require at
least two week's notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all*
employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00AM to 8:20AM. All employees
whose name begins with "B" will go from 8:20AM to 8:40AM and so on.* If you are
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day
when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time
with a coworker. Both employees supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition there is not a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll with retract, and the
stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch
because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, insinuations, allegations, accusations contemplations,
consternation's or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week. The Management














Talented?
-----------------------------------
Do you think you can read? Try this tongue-twister!

Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends. See owned a saw and Soar
owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw
See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See saw
Soar's seesaw, then See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw.
But See saw Soar and Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See's saw, so
See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. It was a shame to let See see Soar so
sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.




Mirror, Mirror
----------------------------------
The little girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned."

"What is it, my child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day
I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I
have good news. That isn’t a sin - it’s only a mistake."











Takeoff
---------------------------------
An airplane filled to capacity is sitting on the tarmack awaiting
take-off, when the pilot and co-pilot come aboard.
The pilot is wearing sunglasses, and hitting the sides of the aisle with
a white cane. The co-pilot is following behind him being led by a
seeing-eye dog.
As both pilots continue toward the cockpit, the passengers start
to murmur amongst themselves..."Are they kidding..?, what's going on..?"

When the plane's engines start, the passengers get louder. As the
plane begins to pick up speed down the runway the passengers are really
getting loud.
Finally when the plane is at full throttle with only 20 feet of
runway left, the passengers begin screaming at the top of their lungs.
The plane suddenly pulls up and is airborne.
The pilot says to the co-pilot, "You know, one of these days they're not
going to scream in time, and we're all gonna die!"














As I was browsing through an old newspaper, I read aloud to my wife a
news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do. "I
must be true," she said. "This is the second time you've read that
article to me."

[bonyhadi]

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

"I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and
my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."

"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was
in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life."

His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women,
and you didn't call me?"

"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd
gone fishing."



>
> > >New Defenitions
> > >>>>
> > >>>>ADULT:
> > >>>>A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is
> > >>>>now growing in the middle.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>BEAUTY PARLOR:
> > >>>>A place where women curl up and dye.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>CANNIBAL:
> > >>>>Someone who is fed up with people.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>CHICKENS:
> > >>>>The only animals you eat before they are born and
> > >>>>after they are dead.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>COMMITTEE:
> > >>>>A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>DUST:
> > >>>>Mud with the juice squeezed out.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>EGOTIST:
> > >>>>Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>GOSSIP:
> > >>>>A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will
> > >>>>do more damage.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>HANDKERCHIEF:
> > >>>>Cold Storage.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>INFLATION:
> > >>>>Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>MYTH:
> > >>>>A female moth.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>MOSQUITO:
> > >>>>An insect that makes you like flies better.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>RAISIN:
> > >>>>Grape with a sunburn.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>SECRET:
> > >>>>Something you tell to one person at a time.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>SKELETON:
> > >>>>A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>TOOTHACHE:
> > >>>>The pain that drives you to extraction.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>TOMORROW:
> > >>>>One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>YAWN:
> > >>>>An honest opinion openly expressed.
> > >>>>
> > >>>>WRINKLES:
> > >>>>Something other people have. You have character
> > >>>>lines.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >
> >





Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into
an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed
for the purpose." -- Winston Churchill

-----------------------------------

"Woman who springs on innerspring this spring, gets offspring next
spring."

-----------------------------------

Q: What do you get when you try to cross an elephant with a poodle?
A: A dead poodle with a fourteen inch asshole.

[CobraDan]

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

[bonyhadi]

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.
================================================== ===========
One day a little girl went to the playground. While she was there a
little boy told her to climb up the jungle gym. "No," she said. "I'll
pay you 10 cents," he said. "OK" and she did. When she got home she
told her mother all about it. Her mother said," Don't do that he just
want's to see your underwear."

The next day the little girl went to the playground again. The
same little boy told her to climb up the jungle gym again. She told
him, "My mother said not to"He replied, "This time I'll give you
50 cents"
And so she did. When she got home she told her mother all about it.
Her mother just shrugged; "Didn't I tell you not to do that, he just
wants to see your under wear?"

The next day the little girl went to the playground again and the
same little boy asked her the same question. "No" she said. "This time
I'll give you a dollar," he said, So she did.
When she got home she told her mother and when she said, "He
just wants to look at your underwear"
She replied, " Well I guess I sure fooled him, because I didn't
wear any!"
================================================== ==========
Have y'all heard about the new Texas bra to be on the market soon?
According to the manufacturer, it "rounds 'em up and heads 'em out."
================================================== ==========
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything
there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works
hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your
saxophone last night!"
================================================== ===========
What does PMS stand for?
Penis Must Suffer!
================================================== ===========
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

Used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

[bonyhadi]

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE NEXT PLANNED "SURVIVOR" SHOW ??????


6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car
and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks
Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or
dance classes.
There is no access to fast food.
Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his
assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete
science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
The men only have access to television when the kids
are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one
TV between them and there is no remote.
The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily,
which they must apply themselves, either while driving
or while making four lunches.
They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after
their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut
model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker;
and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off the island, based on
performance.
The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be
intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over
and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually
earning the right to be called "Mother"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There's no game like golf you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's That Time Of The Year Again
Fruitcake Recipe
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn
off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or
something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The
next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
E-mail Blessings
~*~ Peace be unto you, your computer and the e-mail you receive this day.
~*~ May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or return it within a limited time frame.
~*~ May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.
~*~ May the mail you receive not start with Fw Fw Fw, not contain strangely named attachments and contain a "<" for every ">".
~*~ May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children you are to be searching for. ~*~
May the mail you receive not cause you to change your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating of parts of things that you can't buy at Wal-Mart.
~*~ May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.
~*~ May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC.
~*~ May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the death of monks, missionaries, mothers, or the misguided.
~*~ And above all may peace and harmony be yours until Tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, a man walked into the dentist's office for some dental work. The dentist said, "Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, what type of pain killer would you like?"
The man looked at the dentist and said, "None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life."
The dentist said, "Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller"
The man looked back at the dentist and said, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare."
The dentist said, "Sir, I'm telling you, use a painkiller."
The man again said to the dentist, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth."
The dentist then said, "Okay, You asked for it, but first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?"
The man said, "Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I
headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, it set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls.
That was the second greatest pain in my life"
The dentist then said, "Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?"
The man replied, "When I reached the end of the chain."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

[bonyhadi]

Having sex is yet another great past time for burning up those unwanted fatproducing calories...
REMOVING CLOTHES

With partner's consent... 12 calories
Without partner's consent... 187 calories
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands... 7 calories
Using one trembling hand... 36 calories

GETTING INTO BED

Lifting partner... 1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor... 16 calories
Using skateboard... 3 calories

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS

For normal healthy man... 2.5 calories
Losing erection... 14 calories
Searching for it... 115 calories

PUTTING ON CONDOM

With erection... 1.5 calories
Without erection... 300 calories

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM

If the woman who does it is:Experienced... 6 calories
Inexperienced... 73 calories
If a man does it... 650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.

POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS

Bouncing... 7 calories
Sliding around... 9 calories
Serious skidding... 12 calories
Whiplash... 27 calories

ORGASM

Real... 27 calories
Faked... 160 calories

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE

Shoes flew off... 35 calories
Expression didn't change... 0.5 calories
Orchestra swelled... 6 calories
Birds sang: Large birds... 7 calories
Small birds... 3 calories
Earth moved... 30 calories

PULLING OUT

After orgasm... 0.5 calories
A few moments before orgasm... 500 calories

PENIS ENVY

For woman... 3 calories
For men... 72 calories

GUILT

Banging your boss for a promotion... 30 calories
Sex during a 'sickie'... 10 calories
Bonking each other with parents in other room... 7 calories
Putting it on your expense account... 9 calories

AGGRAVATION

Partner keeps showing plant... 5 calories
Partner insists on dog cuddling during foreplay... 14 calories
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time... 10 calories
Partner is taking phone calls... 7 calories
Partner is making phone calls... 40 calories

GETTING CAUGHT

By partner's spouse... 60 calories
By your spouse... 100 calories
Trying to explain... 55 calories
Trying to remain calm... 100 calories
Leaping out of bed... 75 calories
Getting dressed in one motion... 500 calories
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it."
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face and said "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Dog Peeves
1. Blaming your gas on me.. Not Funny.
2. Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog you idiot.
3. Taking me for a walk then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick balancing food on my nose.. Stop it.
5. Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?
6. Getting upset when I sniff crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet, idiot.
7. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not home.
8. Taking me to the vet for "The big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
9. Dog Sweaters
10. The sleight of hand... fake-fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things Never to Say to a Man With a Small Penis
It's more fun to look at.
Make it dance.
You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
Can I paint a smiley face on that?
It looks like a nightcrawler.
Wow, and your feet are so big.
My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
It's OK, we'll work around it.

What a Difference 2 Inches Makes
Guy, naked in front of the mirror:
'Two inches more, and I would be a king.'
Wife: 'Two inches less, and you'd be a queen


The 37-Stitch Circumcision
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the
day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.
The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short
intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give
back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club
when they all heard that my circumcision required thirty-seven stitches."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties!
We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog.
Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner
with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory.
Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years,
decided they needed to visit a cathouse for some tail..... When they
arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to
waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blowup" dolls
instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their
business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got
to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She
never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?" The second
man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's
that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast..... she
farted and flew out the window!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IF "AOL" OWNED YOUR CITY...

You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.

You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door
would be stuck.

The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really
are important to us."

You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff
everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun up.

Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your
back.

Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY,
THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY
UNAVAILABLE.":-)

[bonyhadi]

Controlling Husbands

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over
their wives, while the
third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you,
what sort of control do you
have over your wife?"

The third fellow said, "I'll tell you -- just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The
first two guys were amazed.
"Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and
fight like a man.'









The grossest thing for me to see
is my bathroom floor all full of pee

Why can't they make it in the bowl?
Don't they see-there is a hole?

Out in the woods they think it's cute
to see how far a guy can "shoot."

But in the house, it's plain to see...
there is a bowl in which to pee
(It's usually white and kinda round
you hit the water, not the ground.)

Why can't they make it in the bowl?
Is it a problem with control?
If not control, then tell me why...
they make the bathroom such a sty?

Come on guys, get a clue!

You know what you have to do

Be a human not a pig
and don't forget to lift the lid.

When your done, make it flush
don't always be in such a rush.

Then take the lid and push it down
(don't make us women feel like clowns)

Falling in, it is not fun-
getting water on your bums

Zip up your pants and you're all done
now wasn't that alot of fun??

Keep this little poem in mind~
your woman will find you very kind.











>
>
>HOW TO GET RESULTS
>George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his
>wife
>told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could
>see
>from the bedroom window.
>George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
>were
>people in the shed stealing things.
>He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
>no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
>lock his
>door and an officer would be along when available.
>George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
>again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
>people in my
>shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot
>them
>all." Then he hung up.
>Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
>ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
>Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
>One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
>
>them!"
>George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"











The New Dress

by Ron Selby

A lady walked into the room to show hubby her new dress,
She was a rather large lady - around forty two in the chest.
The dress was cut really low - showed off her feminine shape,
Her husband's eyes almost popped - all he could do was gape!

"Where did you get that dress, my dear?" said hubby with a grin.
"There seems to be more of you out of it - than there is within.
You really look desirable, dear! It's the greatest dress by far!
You really look sexy, especially as your not wearing a bra!"

"How did you know that I had no bra?" she asked her loving spouse.
"Now don't you get me wrong my dear! That dress, it looks real grouse!
I can tell you have no bra on, dear, behind all that frill and lace,
I can tell real easy - 'cause all the wrinkles have gone from your face!"






Here's a great piece of historical trivia - just what you always wanted
to know


Ever wonder where the word "****" comes from.....well here it is

Certain types of manure used to be transported by ship (as everything was
back then). Well, in dry form manure weighed a lot less, but once water
(at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began
again, and a by-product of fermentation is methane gas. And, as this stuff was
stored below decks in bundles, you can see what could - and did - happen.
Methane gas began to build up below decks and the first time someone came
below decks at night with a lantern . . . . BOOOM!!!!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered what
was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped
with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to "SHIP HIGH IN
TRANSIT" . . . in other words high enough off the lower decks so that any
water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and begin
the production of methane.

Bet you didn't know that one.

[bonyhadi]

You know you are an e-mail addict when...

1) You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2) You get a tattoo that reads "This body best
viewed with Internet Explorer 2.0 or higher."

3) You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.

4) You turn off your modem and get this awful
empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

5) You spend half the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap and your child in the overhead compartment.

6) You decide to stay in college for an additional
year or two, just for the free Internet access.

7) You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.

8) You start using smilies in snail mail.

9) Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged
in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up
the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number.
You try to hum to communicate with the modem .... and you succeed.

10) You find yourself typing "com" after every period
when using a word processor.com

11) You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading."

12) You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."

13) Your cat has its own home page.

14) All of your friends have an @ in their names.

15) You can't call your mother .... she doesn't have a modem.

16) You check your e-mail. It says "No new messages."
So you check it again.

17) Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

18) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
landscape.

19) You tell the cab driver you live at
http://1000.Madison.ridge/house/brick.html"

20) You get up at 4:45 am and login so you can use the computer
before your husband gets up and hogs it for the rest of the day!











Dear God,
**** Grant me the strength to last until Back to School
Night.
* Give me the energy to drive the swim team carpool,
take knots out of wet shoelaces with my teeth and untangle
the dog from the sprinkler hose.
* Grant me the wisdom to remember the name of the
redheaded kid from down the street who hasn't left our
house since July.
**** Walk with me through the backyard over piles of wet
bathing suits and empty ice cream cups, to rescue my good
lipstick from the bottom of the wading pool.
**** Give me the courage to accept that everything in the
refrigerator either has a bite out of it, had a finger
stuck in it or is reproducing in the vegetable crisper
underneath the expensive cheese.
**** Guide me down the hallway to the laundry room, where I
can experience five minutes of peace and quiet by turning
the lights out and climbing on the dryer so the kids can't
see my feet underneath the door.
**** Help me accept that fact that even if I take the kids
to the circus, install a pool in the backyard, go on a
safari, and carve a redwood tree into a canoe and sail down
the Congo, my children will end each day with "I'm bored."
**** Grant me the serenity to smile when my husband insists
on tossing the Hamburger Helper on the gas grill because
"everything tastes better barbecued."
**** In your infinite wisdom, show me how to disconnect the
video game console that hasn't been turned off since June
22.
**** Comfort me when I realize the color of my earth-tone
carpet has changed into a mixture of melted blue Popsicle
and the remains of somebody's purple slushie.
**** And if I ask too much, God, just give me the foresight
to know that one day - not too many years from now - the
barbecue, television and sprinkler hose will be off; the
refrigerator, front door and garage will be closed, and I
will wonder where my children - and the little redheaded
boy with the glasses - went.












YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN.....

1.* The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2.* You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3.* You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4.** You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5.* Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

6.* You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7.* Someone in your family died right after saying: "Hey watch this."

8.* You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9.* Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10.* Your junior prom had a daycare.

11.* You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

12.* You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13.* The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14.* You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15.* One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16.* You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17.* You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18.* You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.

19.* Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20.* Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
*

[bonyhadi]

Actual comments heard from US travel agents)

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so their hair wouldn't get messed up from
being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all
the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then
take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain
the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me
with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in
Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly
explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her
response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong
with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I
tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the
state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a
very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled
up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked
him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport,
and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to
explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not
understand. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought
that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your
bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my
luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After
putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it" (I was actually
laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that
the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to
get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told
my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in
order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded
him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never
had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay
required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,I've been to China four
times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do
you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back
with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and
can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted,* "Oh don't be
silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map
of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do
you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"










I was getting ready for a garage sale one summer day. Since
it was so hot and humid out, I decided to stay inside my
air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had
bought for the sale.

I would stick several of them on my blouse, run outside,
stick them on the appropriate items and rush back inside.
I did this until every item was labeled.

Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery.
I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he was
looking at me strangely.

It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker
still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an
offer."