Joke of the Day...

[ERA535]

Yeah, those Turkish prison jokes can get pretty bad.

[Turk]

ERA535
What were you in for?For how long?

Maybe you CAN tell us about SOME of your experiences. I was only a young child when I lefty Turkey and have no stories I could share. I am willing to listen though.

TURK

[Hotfingrs]

A woman goes to her doctor and said she wanted an operation done because her vagina lips were much too large. She then asked the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she didn't want anyone to find out, so the doctor agreed. She woke up from her operation only to find three roses carefully placed beside her in bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor. She said to him, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The doctor told her he did not and not to worry. He then continued, "The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation and had the operation done herself." Just then the girl asked about the third rose. The doctor said, "Oh, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

[ERA535]

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, Doc Buck pulled out his stethoscope,placing the receptor on the dog's chest.

After a moment or two, the Doc shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry
but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell?
You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, Doc turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a
Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor
dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing,
the Retriever sadly shook his head and said "Bark."

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat,
who walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow."
He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The veterinarian said, "There's
nothing more I can do" and handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner
went nuts. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

Doc shook his head sadly and explained. ...



"If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50 . But with the Lab work and the cat scan..."

[Dave Samson]

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA(mykoxaphalentooldphyew) will soon be available in liquid form under the trade name of Mydixaflop. Mydixaflop will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under
the name, "Mount and Do”. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one

[CobraDan]

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is
shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the
shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says," Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Black Pepper."

[Dave Samson]

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she
decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her
to go and get undressed and wait for him in the
other room. When the doctor goes into the room he
tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror.

She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the
mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests
his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.
After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady
to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will
talk to her when she is dressed.

The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what
is wrong with her.

He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before
she goes to bed.

The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in
front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

[CobraDan]

1. Sag, You're It!

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear

4. Kick the Bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over

6. Doc, Doc Goose

7. Simon Says Something Incoherent

8. Hide and Go Pee

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

10. Musical Recliners

[Doug Axelrod]

Three Native American women are about to give birth in their teepees and, according to custom, choose an animal skin on which to deliver.

The first woman chooses a deer skin and delivers a 6 pound boy.
The second somen chooses a bear skin and delivers a 7 pound boy.
The third woman chooses a hippopotamus skin and delivers a thirteen pound son.

The moral of the story?
The son of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

[CobraDan]

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their Cobra.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year olds for six weeks.

[mr0077]

(best done with a heavy Chinese brogue for the doctor)
There was this woman who was having a terrible time getting a date, so she went to a doctor, who was Chinese.
"Doctor, I can't seem to get a man to go out on a date with me", she said.
The doctor told her to take off her clothes, which she did. He examined her, then told her to get down on all fours. He looked at her, then said, "Craw' acloss froor", which she did. Then the doctor said, "Craw' back acloss froor." When she had done this, the doctor said, "Rady, you have Ed Zachery disease."
"Ed Zachery disease? What's that?", she said.
The doctor replied, "Ah, so. That when you face look ed zachery like you a$$!"

[stush]

Few quick ones:
Q. What is a yankee?
A. Same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it is worth it.

Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Donuts

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it is no big deal unless you are not getting any.

Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick>

Stu

[CobraDan]

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads ...


WIN A BAGEL

[CobraDan]

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an
erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to
the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes
the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.
"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating,
and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.
"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available,
but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a
baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going
through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me.
What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the
operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant
to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a
stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches
the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the
pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the
tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do
that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can
fit another dinner roll up my a**!"

[CobraDan]

Buckwheat & Darla were at school, and the teacher asks Darla," How do you spell dumb?"
She says "d-u-m-b, dumb "
The teacher says "Very good Darla, now use it in a sentence."
She says, "Buckwheat is dumb"
Then the teacher says," How do you spell stupid?"
Darla says" s-t-u-p-I-d, stupid"
The teacher says "Very good Darla, now use it in a sentence"
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid"
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says "Buckwheat spell dictate"
Buckwheat says "d-I-c-t-a-t-e dictate "
The teacher says "Very good Buckwheat, now use it in a sentence"
Buckwheat replies "I may be dumb and I may be stupid but Darla says my dictate good"

[dkjos]

Can you believe Monica Lewinsky turned 28 years old this week? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.

[poorboy]

A busness man on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."


" And What," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"


The busnessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Interal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have eveything."

[CobraDan]

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what
he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The granddad replied, "Well, let me think a minute ...I was born, before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.
There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.
Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers,
and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.
Your grandmother and I got married first-and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother, and every boy over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and
respect. And they went hunting and fishing together.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, "Sir"-and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
Sundays were set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in need, and visiting with family or neighbors.
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar,
and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day, 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was something your mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store, and 'software' wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
...and how old do you think he is-???


...This man would be only 59 years old.

[ERA535]

This one is clever.

“All citizens of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be advised that since the Euro had been adopted as the official currency of the European Common Market, from henceforth the term: “spend a penny” is no longer valid. The correct terminology to be put into immediate use is “Euronate”.

[ERA535]

A group on nuns are travelling in a car when it has a flat tire. They get out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly do not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-*****," he yelled.

The eldest nun said to him,"That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-*****", he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'".

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car lifted up into the air by itself.

The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-*****!"